I blindly felt around until fingertips came across the soft, stiff edges of a box. I tucked the phone against my shoulder, freeing both hands to clasp on the box, "Yeah, I guess I am quitting, Tito. Fancy gigs like that just aren't for me anymore."
I carried the box out to the living room, dropping it on the coffee table before moving to the kitchen for a spotlessly clean glass. I trailed back to the couch, half listening to Tito on the phone, sitting down in front of the table and the black box, "Look, I have to go Tito. The keys will be in the gnome's hat by the front door." I waited until he acknowledge, "I owe you Tito."
I hung up and turned the phone off, setting it underneath the Lincoln keys, staring at the box for a second I sucked in a breath. I took my time in slowly removing the lid before lifting the surprisingly heavy bottle free from its velvet lined home.
Twisting the ornate cap off I took a deep breath of the oaky, buttery scent the deep amber liquid carried. The pure intensity of the scent that billowed out of the bottle told me this was the best of the best and I took immense care in filling the glass over half full before setting the bottle down gently next to it.
I closed my eyes, my hand wrapping around the glass and lifting it to my mouth.
The edge of the glass sat centimeters away from my lips, the intense smell of the scotch making my mouth water in an all too familiar way. I kept my eyes shut and took in one more slow purposeful breath of the scotch in front of me. I swallowed a few times to clear my throat for the burn I knew was to come.
I had nothing left to lose, I'd run from it all again. I'd run from her and threw away all of the chances of her ever letting me look back.
Heartbreak, heartbroken.
Two things I had never quite experienced or understood in my life. Not from love or want of anything or anyone, then again I had never allowed my heart to go anywhere with anyone, it just resided in my chest performing its life giving functions for the last three decades of my life. Maybe once or twice it provided me with an idea of love through my family or friends, but never an all-encompassing and sweeping love of the movies or the stories Rebecca read at night.
The aching pain I felt in my chest was strange and new to me. It was so unusual, I held my hand over my heart in the moments after Kit sped away from the house.
Even though it beat normally, it hurt and it ached, making me finally understand heartbreak. Kit had broken my heart in the matter of minutes I tried desperately to get her to stop and talk to me. I fought with her unlike anyone I had ever fought in my life as I looked into her eyes and saw the sea storm of memories in thick tears.
I stood outside on the gravel driveway for an undetermined amount of time, tears silently tracking down my face, hair sticking to the wet patches as the wind blew through my loose hair. I stood, secretly hoping she would call me out on my half assed line about my patience. I couldn't even speak the words without my voice cracking and tears welling up. I wanted her to come back and yell at me, let out everything she bottled in herself for the last couple of years. I wanted her to scream at me so I could scream back the words I really wanted to say, but choked on when her anger spiked rapidly and overwhelmed me.
When the sun shifted to the top of the roof, I finally went back into the house.
Kit wasn't coming back and all I had was a group of seagulls clucking at me hoping I had food in my pockets for them. I immediately went upstairs to my bedroom and to the patio, curling up in the trusted and worn chair, I stared out past the trees until the view felt endless. My hand still sat against my chest as my heart thumped slowly. I slowly retreated to thoughts of what could have been done and said differently in the hurried moments Kit made her escape.
Carlton's words were just words, like I had tried to tell Kit. Words coming from a bitter fading agent who would not see any second chances after his eventual forced retirement. His words had no true effect on me, but when Kit confirmed it, it did shock me. Shock from the brutal way she confirmed it then screamed the few details while I held the car door shut.
I leaned back in the chair, leaning my head against the large wing of the side. I didn't care why she did it or how it was done, I wanted her to let it out and stop allowing one day to dictate the rest of her life. Then I tried to tell her I loved her, that I was the someone she should fight for, because I was fighting for her. But finding the courage to say those words when I finally actually meant them on the level I felt, was hard. I stumbled and backfired, pushing Kit's buttons further and further until I backed away and gave her what she wanted. All because I was in love with her and didn't know how to stop her. She was an unstoppable force fueled by her memories, and any good physicist will tell you that an unstoppable force can only meet an immovable object for it to cease. I tried to be the immovable object and eventually it was not enough, Kit was determined and fueled to live in the hell she was in.
I sniffled and shook my head at how much I was still crying. I had been so dead set on showing her, helping her, loving her and I thought we had finally gotten close to something. Something that lead me to believe we had both silently come to the conclusion we would do this. The kiss we shared in the car told me so much, I could feel her let go the moment our lips met, and I was excited and hopeful for what could come next. I rushed to get Carlton out of the house so I could sit down with Kit and tell her all the things I wanted to in the penguin exhibit when I saw her genuinely happy. I wanted to tell her that was the moment I fell completely in love with her, on top of the many other things about her that had stolen my heart.
All of that was ripped away, leaving me with empty hands and a broken heart.
Hours passed and the afternoon sun dipped low into dusk as I sat on the patio, my heart never really letting go of the ache. The ache growing as I knew Kit running meant she was also about to fall back into her comfortable and destructive ways. In the morning I would hear from Davidek and receive a resignation on her behalf.
I untangled my legs from underneath me and walked back into the room, finding my phone in the middle of the bed I quickly set to making arrangements to head back to the capital the next evening. There was no longer any point in staying on vacation now that I had dual threats on my heels with the CIA fringe group and the hill people. I needed to start the search for a new assistant over. Again.
I swiped and tapped the final confirmations for my flight back when the screen shifted from the flight plan to Rebecca's name. Blinking at me in white asking me to answer the call. I didn't answer the call, instead I set the phone back down on the bed and walked away.
I changed out of my zoo clothes, listening to the phone vibrate mutely against the comforter. I kept ignoring it, pulling on the last pair of ratty jeans and comfortable V-neck I would wear for months until the next short break in Congress. When I was done I walked out and past Kit's bedroom without looking in. I didn't want to see anything thing that would remind me of her and start up the heavy ache in my heart that had finally drifted to a dull throb. I was carrying a strange feeling as I moved through the house and towards my basement office, it was a feeling of numbness and my heart refusing to let go of her.
I sighed, "This is what love feels like." I held my hand against my heart, hoping to will it to stop and return to normal. I knew it was hopeless, there was nothing physically wrong with my heart. It was all in my head wrapped around a fierce redhead that I knew I would never forget or could forget.
I decided I would try to work away the feelings, find some balance in drowning in other people's problems and building new organs.
Turning around the corner leading to the basement steps, I was stopped by the doorbell ringing loudly throughout the empty house. I turned, staring at the edge of the front door I could see from where I stood. My heart twitching in hope Kit had come back for round two of whatever. I moved to the opposite wall, hitting the full screen button on the monitor system. The monitors brightening up to show the big Mexican, Tito, grinning at my front door.
His grin grew wider
when I opened the front door and I had to take a small step back, the man towered over me like a great oak in the middle of a field full of new seedling trees. He was intimidating even with the smile of a giddy child plastered on his face.
"Hey there Senator Lady!"
I smiled halfheartedly, "Hello Tito."
Before I could finish my own greeting, Tito scooped me up into a big yet gentle bear hug, lifting me off the ground, "Thank you so much for the car! It's amazing!" Tito's excitement rang in my ears while he squeezed me one more time before letting my feet meet solid ground. He still held onto my upper arms, grinning, "How did you know the '84 was my favorite?"
I shrugged, trying to keep a genuine smile when I had very little interest in smiling or pretending to smile. My eyes caught the front half of the matte black Monte Carlo as it sat in the round about the mail trucks used to get to my front door. "I had your address pulled by a friend in the police department so I could send you a thank you card. My friend then made a comment that you had a surprisingly clean traffic record and when I glanced over, I saw that you have always owned Monte Carlos from the time you could drive till the last one you wrecked, for me." I looked up in the soft, smiling eyes of the large man, "That and Kit told me you have the wall behind you at the liquor store covered in pictures of a matte black 1984 Monte Carlo SS with red pinstripes." My smile grew a smidge, "I took a chance." I then took in a slow breath, "It was the least I could do Tito, for your help that day."
I kept looking into his eyes when I heard something that made me look to my right. The back end of the Lincoln parked in the spot next to the Cadillac, wiped the smile away completely, my heart leapt into my throat, "Is, um, Kit with you?"
Tito's grin faded to a delicate one, "She asked me to bring the car back to you tonight and give you this." Tito bent down, coming back up to continue to tower over me with a box in his hands, holding it out for me to take, "Distinctly told me it had to go to your hands only Senator lady."
The old cigarette box had no lid and when I glanced down, I could see a few pieces of clothing I had given Kit when she was staying at the house. I breathed out a sigh of relief when I saw the corner of the black box that held the bottle of scotch I sent to her. Her brand new smart phone sat on top of the pile of clothes with a white envelope tucked under it. After he was certain I had my hands firmly around the box, Tito dug in his jeans pocket, setting the Lincoln keys next to the phone.
I couldn't hide my shaking hands when his released the keys. My eyes hanging on the scrawled penmanship on the envelope, spelling out "Claire"
I swallowed hard and audibly, biting my lip to try to hold back, "Did Kit have anything to say to you? A final message?" I could feel my eyes begin to water, surprising since I was sure I had cried everything I had over the last few hours. I clenched on the box in my hands, smelling small traces of Kit's shampoo and the light perfume she wore occasionally, making my jaw clench harder and blink the tears back harder. I missed her already and she was only gone for a handful of hours and now possibly forever. That white envelope held her resignation letter.
Tito shook his head, "No ma'am. When I got to her house, she was sitting on the couch. Staring at a big ole glass of scotch. It kinda looked like she was already pretty hammered by the slow nods and one word answers she gave me." Tito suddenly began to fidget, tucking his meaty hands into the back pockets of his jeans, "I can't lie to you, Senator lady, you've been way too nice and honest with me and you've been really good to Kit from day one."
I smiled weakly at the gentle giant, "Please, call me Claire, Tito."
Tito nodded, cringing, "Kit did say one thing before I left, but I gotta say something first."
I looked up from the box, her handwriting burned into my retinas from staring at it for so long, "Go ahead." If Tito heard me it would be a miracle, the words came out barely a whisper. I wanted to go back in the house and shut out the world, my heartbreak filling all of my appendages and making it hard to continue to stand.
"I've known Kit for a while now. I'd see her sometimes every day and I even took her home a bunch of times when the days got really rough for her." Tito looked at me sheepishly, "I've never seen Kit happy or sober for more than a second. In the last couple of weeks whenever I did see her or talk to her, I could tell she was finally finding a way out of the mess she kept herself in."
The massive man sighed lightly, "I am not a smart guy, just a big guy that sits and watches people from the counter of a liquor store. I spend days looking in people's eyes, seeing how much they've lost themselves to the world, or how excited they are about what life was finally giving them and buying booze to celebrate it. Sadness, happiness, love, lust, true love, anger, joy. I have seen it all in pass my way in looks across the counter with money. Some of my customers I know exactly what they are thinking even as they tell me the opposite. Their eyes tell me everything, like true windows to the soul. Kit is one of those customers, I can see through her bullshit lies and I can see when she's actually happy about something. I know when I see something special. What you two have it's something special if a big ox like me can see it from miles away. I could see it from miles away that day on her front lawn when she talked about you before shit went down."
Tito suddenly reached out, taking the box from my hands, setting it back down on the front step. He then took my hand in his, dwarfing mine with the sheer size of his, "Before I left, Kit asked me, Tito how will I ever find someone to love me like she did? Someone to love like I love her? Why was I so scared that I ran from her?"
Tito paused, wiping away the tears on my cheeks, "I asked Kit if she really loved you, making sure to look in her eyes when I asked it."
I bit my cheek to hold back more tears. "What did she say?" I forced more volume out even as I was embarrassed this man was wiping away my tears.
Tito's grin reappeared, "You want to ask her yourself?"
I whispered, my eyes scanning the driveway around the wall that was Tito. "What do you mean?" Panic and nervousness raced around the heavy feeling of heartbreak still in my body.
Tito shrugged and stepped away from me, turning to the left, he waved at the Lincoln. It took longer than a second for the driver's side door to open. I was flooded with emotions and the heart ache from earlier, at the simple sight of her dark red hair in a ponytail as she stood up.
Kit turned to look at me with sunglasses on, shutting the driver's door, she walked around the car. She was wearing a white tank top with a light purple hooded zip up sweatshirt that draped around her shoulders, the jeans were the ones I had left in her closet. Making me feel a bit relieved that she had attempted to keep one small piece of me with her. A foolish thought considering I let her run, but it was a foolish thought that eased the pain.
When the sun caught the glint of the silver handcuffs on her wrists, I shot a look at Tito. He shrugged, winking at me, "We had a bit of a disagreement on what I thought was the right thing to do over sending a letter and a big lug like me to do her dirty work."
I stood motionless, my eyes locked on Kit as Tito walked over to her, removing the handcuffs from her wrists. Allowing her to be free to rub lightly at the wrists and grumble something I couldn't make out before he gently shoved her towards me.
Kit said nothing, didn't bother to look at me as she took the few steps to stand off to the side while Tito walked back over.
"Don't worry Claire, I knew she could drive in handcuffs. Kit taught me how to do it one night after she helped me close up the store." Tito winked at me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder, squeezing the words he spoke next into my body through his hand and his voice, "Fight to the death with her and for her, it's the only way she will learn. Remember her eyes, they will tell you everything she won't. Use that." He patted me lightly, "One more thing, if you ever need help again, call me." He went to take a step away when I grabbed him suddenly in an attempted rib crushing hug on the tree of a man.
"I owe you again, Tito. Thank you." I whispered roughly into
the man's ear. Tito squeezed me back before letting me go, grinning at me. He then turned to Kit, pointing at her and in a voice that would scare the hell out of me if I met it in a dark alley, "Don't fuck this up or I won't let you step one foot in my store ever again."
Tito stood behind Kit waiting for her to move. When she didn't move fast enough for him, he nudged her. Kit whipped her head around, shooting him what I could only imagine to be a look of pure death from under the dark sunglasses she wore. Grumbling once again followed her as she moved closer to me.
Kit still wouldn't look at me, but I could feel the myriad of emotions radiating from her as she bent down to pick up the box. I tried to look in her eyes or at least catch her eye line, but I could not see anything in the deep black shades of her sunglasses.
There was a sharp sigh and when Kit spoke, I could feel the hurricane of emotions in her voice, "Can I come in?" She looked over her shoulder at Tito, "I promised him I wouldn't leave until we were done." Kit rasped out the last sentence. The way she said it, I knew her loyalty to the man she called her friend ran deeper than the fear and the need to run from her past.
I nodded slowly. Even in the open air of the outside, Kit and I were still able to make it thick with the tension that followed us. The instant relief of seeing Kit again at my doorstep, shifted to anger and a need to give her a piece of my mind, but I refrained from saying anything just yet, only stepping to the side to give her the room to enter the house. As she brushed past me, I heard a handful of curse words under her breath.
This was going to be interesting.
Tito waved from the driver's side window of his car before he slammed on the accelerator and peeled out of my driveway, fishtailing the Monte Carlo out onto the asphalt of the main street.
Leaving me to deal with Kit.
Redemptio Animae Page 29