I shook my head slowly, "Everything is perfect." I lifted my hand, brushing the back of my hand over her cheek, making her eyes close and lean into my touch. I ran my fingers through her hair, pushing it back over her shoulder, "Thank you for this." My thumb ran over her pulse in her neck, making me smile as I felt her heart pound. I went to say something more, when the lights dimmed. Ending any further conversation.
Claire motioned to the stage and I reluctantly turned my view from the beautiful woman towards the massive orchestra down in front of us.
The music swept over me and into every pore of my body. With every note played, I became lost in the pieces of music I had heard a thousand times. This time it all felt brand new, the rich deep sounds of the elegant instruments danced around me. Untangling the last strings of my pent up stress and feelings of the last few weeks. I was enraptured to the point the world melted away to nothing, leaving me with just the symphony and the woman sitting next to me. I caught the edge of Claire out of the corner of my eyes, watching me. When I turned to face her, she dropped her head and looked out across to the stage.
I brought her hand to my lips, kissing the top of her knuckles slowly before I set it on my lap, covering it with both of my hands. The music consumed me and time became a notion until the house lights came on, brightening the room, breaking my trance.
"It's the intermission. They will return in twenty minutes." Claire spoke softly, holding out the program for me to take. "Would you like to head down to the lobby and grab a ginger ale?"
I nodded, a small smile finding its way back on my face, "I'd like that."
Claire freed her hand only to help me up. When I was standing, I ran my hand down the inside of her arm, letting it lay on the top of her forearm as we made our way from the balcony to the small bar area placed off to the side of the building.
Claire left me at a small high top table next to the large glass windows. Giving me a clear view of the city outside, I watched the traffic amble around, lighting up the wet concrete with the reflection from headlights and brake lights. I looked around the room at the dresses, tuxedos and expensive suits and for the first time in my life I didn't feel out of place. I still didn't feel like I fit in with this crowd, but for the first time I didn't care. It had taken me 31 years, 4 months, 3 days, 11 hours and a handful of minutes since Claire gave me this part of the night, to finally find that ability to no longer give a shit. I finally had the ability to stop caring about where and how I fit in this world.
A grin streamed over my face suddenly and I had to play with the cocktail napkin in front of me to hide my beaming face from the rest of the room. I didn't want anyone to intrude on my moment to ask why I was smiling, I wanted to save it for myself and the blonde across the way from me, ordering ginger ales.
I twirled the napkin in a circle, my fingers brushing over the black embossing of the Kennedy Center printed on the lower right corner. I debated folding it up and sneakily putting it my purse as a souvenir of this night.
My grin fell into a smirk as I folded up the napkin carefully and neatly. I clicked open my purse and set the small thin tissue like napkin underneath the P99. Closing the purse, laying a hand on top of it before looking up to lock eyes with the beautiful blue green ones that I obviously interrupted their blatant ogling of me.
I raised my hand in a simple wave at Claire, watching her lick her lips to hide the embarrassed smile as she returned the wave. She held up one finger as the bartender set two glasses of ginger ale down in front of her, I kept my eyes on the blonde as she paid for the drinks.
"Quite a fancy place to run into you at, Caitriona."
The woman’s voice was laden with a royal English accent, uttering the hard syllables of my name with a harshness I had not experienced in a few years. It stopped my heart cold, dissolving my grin like tissue in a downpour. "I did not imagine a downtrodden celebrity bodyguard, a drunk one for that matter, to be able to afford such an expensive outing. Such an expensive dress as well, I see." The voice moved to the front of the little table I sat at, blocking my view of the bar with an immaculately fitted cream colored dress. I slowly looked up from the waist of the dress to the face emitting the rich, smooth voice. The woman was stunning with her dark strawberry blonde hair, pale skin like porcelain, angled cheeks that fell into an equally as angled jaw line that made up one of the most beautiful, model beautiful, woman I had ever seen outside of a magazine. I ended the slow visual journey on the same blue eyes I had professed my love to without seeing the deceit he hid from me.
I had to force air through my vocal chords, "Olivia."
Olivia Williams standing in front of me was the last thing I expected to happen. I had not seen her in almost three years and the last time I did was at her brother’s funeral when she found me hiding under a large maple tree away from the family and friends. Our last words were tear ridden and screamed out.
Olivia set a tumbler glass down in front of me with two fingers of rich scotch in it. "Caitriona, is that all you have to say? I even brought you a drink." She slid the glass closer. The smell hitting my nostrils hard, making me gulp. I choked out a "No thank you. I have quit drinking."
Olivia laughed, propping an elbow up holding her chin with an elegant hand as she leaned closer, "I heard otherwise." She squinted at me, "Why are you not in prison where you belong? Lord knows I have tried to get you there."
My jaw tightened. Olivia never forgave me for the death of her two brothers, fighting hard to get me imprisoned for a multitude of things, regardless of both the United States and the United Kingdom finding no one other than Callum at fault for that day.
Olivia ran a finger along the edge of the glass, "Come on now, have a wee sip. I know it's your favorite. I believe if I can't find anyone to listen to me, I may as well help you along in killing yourself with the only other thing you love." She pushed the glass closer, "Last I heard you were doing a spectacular job of it. Two bottles at a time, really Caitriona? That's impressive even for a seasoned drunk." Olivia smirked, "You haven't answered my question. How does a murderer afford the symphony? When you drink away the meager paychecks you receive from Davey Janes?" She raised a perfect eyebrow, looking around the room, "Or are you here with someone? A celebrity? Perhaps I should tell them to watch out for your itchy trigger finger."
I shook my head, "I am not doing this Olivia, I apologized to your family and paid for my mistakes."
Olivia chortled, "Mistakes!? You call killing my baby brother in cold blood, then watching my dear Robert bleed out because of your stupidity, a mistake?" She rolled her eyes, "That's rich, Caitriona!"
My hands laid flat on the table, pressing palms down flat on the cool wooden top. The memories of that day flashing back quickly and vividly. The funeral, Olivia screaming at me through endless tears every time I saw her, her shouts outside my resignation hearing, and the weeks leading up to my eventual escape to San Diego. All of her letters and phone calls demanding the justice she felt I was due.
I couldn't fault her. She was kept in the dark like the rest of her family, as the case file was buried under the red classified stamp to never be opened again.
I breathed out, starting to shake as I fought the tears from falling in front of this woman. "Olivia, I loved them both so much." My hazel eyes met clouded, angry blue ones.
"You were like family to us, Caitriona." The harsh whisper filled with hate and her own tears followed a tight smile. "But seeing your true nature after that day, I see you will never change. A weak, self-pitying drunk of a woman. A woman who couldn't keep her fucking legs closed long enough to see Callum for what he really was. If you did, at least I would still have one brother." Olivia stared daggers into my eyes, down to pierce my heart. "You are still weak. I see it clearly as you sit here trembling. Baby brother saw that and exploited it like a cheap paparazzo." The elegant woman spewing venom, stood up, looking down at me as I shook more. My new found strength whittled away by her vicious words. Whittling me down to that barely
held together woman I was a few weeks ago.
Olivia stepped to the side of me so only her and I could hear what she said next, "I will forever blame you and I will forever hold out hope you meet your end sooner than later. Alone and wondering why did it all have to happen. Just as Robert did on that street." She bent down to my ear, licking her lips loudly, "I am waiting for the day I can attend your funeral, Caitriona." She moved back, stopping to kiss my cheek hard and slowly before backing away.
She picked up the scotch, rolling it on its edge to sit against my hand. "Drink up, wouldn't want to waste your favorite. From what I understand, you are on the verge of liver failure or drunkenly stumbling into a busy street." She tapped the rim, "I am happy to help you out with both."
Olivia looked me over one more time before gliding away, leaving me to breathe deeply in the expensive scotch resting against my fingers. Each breath in, I felt myself slipping when more memories surfaced. A shaky hand moved on its own, wrapping trembling fingers around the glass. Lifting it slightly.
The amber liquid sloshing around as I held it up to my lips. My eyes left the rim, Claire was walking towards me hurriedly with a confused, worried look. Glancing in the direction Olivia had sauntered off in.
I closed my eyes as the tears finally let go. Warm, wet trails rolled down my face as I closed the distance between the glass and my lips.
The burn was unexpectedly expected. Burning my throat with a familiar sensation. I took a deep breath in, allowing the burn to linger with the oxygen. I dropped the glass to the table and stood up, making a straight line to the exit. Crying through a clenched jaw, I didn't hear Claire call after me.
I had a new mission, a new old mission. A mission I had hoped to forget when Claire found and hired me.
Olivia was right, her words swam in my head, mingling with the scotch. I had killed two men and destroyed a family. Regardless of the truth that was behind it all, a terrorist sacrificing his older brother and tearing his family apart from the inside. I was still responsible for much of it.
I pushed out into the cold night air, barely feeling any of the cold wind tugging at my bare skin. I walked, recalling where the closest bar was with the cheapest scotch.
The pain Olivia reignited was consuming me like a brush fire. Tightening around my chest, squeezing my lungs, preventing full sobs from coming out.
Strong fingers wrapped around my bicep. Fingers I couldn't rip free from, so I turned to face the owner.
Seeing the owner was Claire, I cringed, "Let me go."
"What the hell happened? What the hell is going on, Kit?"
I went to turn away, "I said let me go."
Claire grabbed my other arm, "Goddamnit Kit, talk to me." Her voice raised to get my attention, "Who was that woman?”
I pulled again, trying to break free from her hold, but Claire held tighter. I finally reached up, grabbing her arms, trying to push her away, "Let me go! I'm dangerous to be around!"
Claire held strong, "Kit! Tell me who the hell that was!"
I snapped, yelling back at her, "Olivia Williams! The sister of Robert and Callum. The two men I murderer, her brothers!" I finally ripped my arms free from Claire, stepping back. I was crying harder, my lungs finding the air to let the sobs loose. I looked at Claire, "I need a drink." It stuttered out as I took a few more steps back.
Claire's hand snatched my wrist, stilling me. What I saw in her eyes told me I wasn't getting that next drink as easily as I thought.
"You've had your drink." I held onto Kit's wrist, tugging back anytime I felt the slightest twitch indicating she was trying to run. I was not going to do this with her, let her fall back. I was angry at her for downing the scotch like it was nothing. Not bothering to hesitate or even wait for me to get back to the table to find out what the hell had gone on with the tall redhead who came from nowhere. She looked me in the eyes and downed the drink with an open throat.
Then ran.
I knew instinct and bad habits was taking over, Kit was distraught enough to let those two take hold and not fight. I understood the second she told me the redhead was the sister to the men Kit carried with her every day. Two men she stuffed into the dark recesses of her mind in hopes of forgetting them, when I knew she would and could not ever forget them. I was shocked when she told me the woman's name, but I didn't show it. A reaction either way would give Kit that extra validation to continue on her journey to upset all the progress she had made over the few weeks, within herself and with me. Opening up and letting many things go to be replaced by love and support.
Kit tugged harder, her wrist slipping out my now almost frozen fingers. It was bitterly cold and we had both been outside for close to fifteen minutes, chasing each other and yelling. She went to walk away mumbling about needing a drink again. I grabbed her upper arm and stilling her once again.
I had had enough of this. I pulled her hard into me, throwing my free arm around her waist while I kept a hold on her upper arm. "We are going home." My tone was firm and edging on complete anger, Kit was testing my limits with the return of her bratty behavior that I suffered through in the first few days I met her as the drunk. I would not welcome that woman back into my house or my life and I would do everything I could to prevent it. Even if it meant being hard with her, harder than she had ever seen me.
Kit tried to lean away from me, but struggled, the cold was sapping her strength mixed with the emotional catalyst she was indulging in. I was not mad at her for showing emotions from coming face to face with her past like she just did, I was mad at the drink she guzzled to deal with it.
I finally felt Kit give in halfway back to the Navigator, slumping in my arms but not giving in any more. I unlocked the car to set her in the passenger seat and moved our purses I had asked one of the ushers to place in the car as I ran after Kit, to the backseat. Kit curled up in a ball, leaning into the door away from me. She was still crying, but I saw the look of anger moving in with the tears. "You should have just let me go, Claire."
I pulled the Navigator out into traffic, "And you need to stop saying that." I glared at her, "What did that woman say to you?" It was not a question, I wanted an answer. I wanted to know what that woman had said to Kit.
Kit grimaced, "Nothing but the truth. Olivia has never said anything but the truth in all the years I have known her." Kit chuckled angrily, "She's always been right."
I gripped the steering wheel, driving faster than normal, I had to heat the car up as I shivered uncontrollably. Forgoing our coats to get Kit back and into the car, I was now paying for it. "You aren't answering me, Kit. What did she say that upset you so much?" I looked over at her, softening my tone slightly to get her to talk to me, "Please Kit, I love you and I want you to be able to tell me. Let it out."
Kit huffed, shaking her head lightly, pushing it against the glass, "If you want to help me, drop me off at the nearest bar and leave me there."
I gripped the steering wheel tighter, hearing the leather creak painfully under my hands. Kit's tone was back to that sassy drunk I met day one. "I am not doing that, you are going home. To our home." I kept my tone even, hearing Kit mumble under her breath the bar was her only home. I was having a hard time not yelling at her as she was obviously doing her usual to push me away like she had everyone else. I was not going to have it and I swallowed hard, digging in for what I knew was going to be one hell of a fight when we returned home.
I pulled the Navigator up to the curb in front of the townhouse. Collecting our purses and tucking them under my arm as I hurried to the passenger side right as Kit was getting out. She waved me off as I went to give her a hand, "I'm not going anywhere, not at least until I’ve changed out of this dress."
I closed my eyes as she walked up to the front door, punched in the access code and shoved the front door open. She was stuck in her head and whatever Olivia had said to her. It was pissing me off and I was losing my patience. I climbed the front stairs and walked into the house. Closing the front door behind me, I
set the purses down on the long side table. Kit was half way up the staircase, her arms folded and trapped in her head by the blank stare on her face.
"Kit, tell me the truth, what did that woman say to you?"
Kit paused on the steps, "Just leave it and leave me, Claire." She looked over her shoulder at me, "It’s better that I keep it to myself right now." She continued up the stairs.
Her tone pissed me off more, it was a tone of self-pity and misdirected self-righteousness. I threw the Navigator fob onto the table hard, causing it to slide into a small bowl, the sound of the two echoing around us.
I saw Kit flinch at the sound, "Goddamnit Kit! Do not do this, do not do this to yourself and do not do this to us!" I was yelling now, angry enough not to hold back and hope her hearing how angry I was would get Kit to stop and actually listen.
Kit paused, didn’t bother to look back and continued moving up the stairs. She was shutting me out quickly.
I felt my jaw clench and shook my head, "Fuck it." I ran up the stairs, meeting her at the top of the stairs right as the hallway to our bedrooms started. I grabbed her elbow with more force than ever before, "Stop this Kit! Stop it and talk to me!" I didn't yell, but my voice was still loud and firm. One step above the Senator voice I used during heated budget exchanges, it was one that made everyone listen if the time came for it to grace their ears.
Kit spun around, red faced and beyond pissed off. "No, you stop it! Stop trying to hold onto me! I am not worth it, Claire! No matter how hard you try to dress me up, take me to places I have never been and give me things no one else ever has. It all boils down to the same simple fact. I am not worth it." She threw up her hands, "I am only one thing, a fucking drunk that fucked up and ruined a family." Kit sucked in a thick breath, a sad smile crossing her face, "You want to know what Olivia said to me?" she looked up in my eyes with broken hazel eyes, "Do you really?"
Redemptio Animae Page 45