by Keren Or
In the middle of the day and in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the city, they found themselves, as if by magic... completely alone.
The noises from outside ceased...
The telephone in the store stopped ringing...
The door never opened...
And Eli felt that for the first time she was... in the exact place where she wanted to be:
Fulfilling a wish…
7
A Window
Between study time, exams, girlfriends and passionate encounters with Alex, Eli felt alive and full of energy. The days flew by, and then the months... Eli missed no moment to be with him, escaping during every free hour from school, on holidays or on any occasion... she always ran to Alex!
And he was always waiting for her...
From time to time she even pretended to be ill, complaining of an earache, a stomach virus... fever. The latter was the most risky: while her mother made her a cup of tea in the kitchen, Eli stayed in her bed heating the thermometer on the light bulb on her night table. Of course, if she went overboard with the temperature, there was the possibility of ending up in the emergency room...
And there... in a small neighborhood store, behind the counter, Eli felt and thought she was loved. She learned to live with the fact that his embraces, caresses and kisses... were all she could ask for. Ironically, at the same time, Alex’s constant desire for her kept her anesthetized and willing to continue. And so, a mixture of conflicting emotions tried to coexist every day: on the one hand, the thrill of new experiences impelled her to give a little more and more on her part... while on the other hand, there was Alex... increasing his demands and forgetting that in front of him he had a mere little girl... and not a woman...
This way, under light, but constant, doses of pressure, Eli tried to fulfill his desires. The fear of disappointing him, enraging him and losing him left no space for her own decision, and yet... she had her limits. For no matter how much Alex begged, demanded or seduced her in different ways, Eli would not make love to him; at least... not in that place and in those circumstances. Her first time would have to be special, filled with love, patience, tenderness and not for any reason on the cold floor of a store, hiding... without the world knowing.
And although Alex had it very clear, despite knowing her wishes, he insisted... and most of the time he settled for what Eli was able to deliver.
All that time, the romance was kept secret, except for her friends, her loyal confidantes. They supported her by giving her inexpert advice on what to say and how to act... They covered for her every time her mother called looking for her... They accompanied her to the shop to admire the demigod who governed her life, savoring, by the way, the intense and powerful taste of a love affair...
At that time... the only one who had a relationship with the opposite sex was Eli; the others lived adolescence through her stories and personal experiences.
Every Friday without fail, on returning from school, Eli, Jessi, Nicole and Valeria would meet for lunch. Each week they switched houses, transforming the simple lunch into a major event and an entertaining ritual. The four friends locked themselves in the bedroom all afternoon to sing, dance, watch movies and study from time to time. However, for Eli, the most valuable times came when they sat on the terrace with a cup of hot chocolate to talk like adults. Looking at them from the outside, they seemed to be in a group therapy session, since they shared their feelings, thoughts, enthusiasm and fears. They would read the weekend horoscope, invent situations that could happen and reveal their most intimate opinions about men and life in general.
Those hours of laughter, deep conversations and confidential revelations allowed Eli to be a child again; express her fears, her anxieties and dreams, and thus regain the strength to face... what would come later...
One day, in the middle of the week while getting ready for a crucial exam, Eli stayed home studying. Surprisingly, her mother, who on other occasions would have sent her to school even with the plague, acceded to her pleading request to miss classes. Of course, after a couple of hours of reading, Eli needed a break... and naturally, her break... was to see Alex.
As usual, she was the only one to visit the store in the morning. Seeing her at that hour hanging around there no longer surprised Alex. He knew full well that Eli came to the store to be with him.
It gave her so much pleasure to pamper him and make him feel good—giving him a massage was more a gift for her than for him. While her hands gently kneaded his skin, rubbing his sturdy back and tense shoulders, Eli could feel her own body trembling as Alex’s muscles relaxed completely, taking pleasure in her caresses while receiving her warmth.
They were in the midst of that when they suddenly jumped upon hearing the door...
Eli ducked, hiding behind a wall, while Alex, agitated, went to see who it was...
A sweet grandma wanted to buy a book as a gift for her beloved granddaughter who was celebrating her birthday...
Alex quickly attended to her and returned to his place behind the counter.
Frightened, Eli expected that Alex would ask her to leave... However, with a total lack of concern, he took her by the hand, sitting down on the floor and inviting her to do the same.
Eli allowed herself to be carried along...
Slowly, he laid her down, then climbed on top of her, kissing her wildly. Alex devoured her and Eli shivered... but not exactly because of the coldness of the floor...
After taking turns to see who cleaned the tiles better with their back, Alex thought that it was not the right moment, or maybe he knew... that if he continued... he would not be able to stop in time.
The separated their heated bodies, and Eli said goodbye, nervous and happy, or maybe sad?
But before leaving... she received an invitation for closing time on Friday.
Going back to her studies after a morning like that was almost impossible: a sentence read, a memory barging in; an exercise completed, a memory barging in; a line written, a memory barging in...
Eli really tried, but in the end... she surrendered to the memories.
Friday came and with it, the famous lunch. This time at Nicole’s house.
Jessi and Valeria arrived almost together, while Eli arrived later, bathed and perfumed... Because it was a national holiday that day, Alex would close earlier than normal that afternoon, and at five o’clock sharp he would wait for Eli to spend a couple of hours alone... in the store, of course...
When the time came, dressed up and made up thanks to the “service” of her three friends, Eli left for her date.
The door was already closed and the lights off, giving the impression that no one was waiting for her. Eli knocked softly, looking around her...
Soon, Alex invited her to come in, closing the door behind her with a lock and key. He led her, as usual, behind the counter.
Unlike other times, however, the floor was now covered with a new rug.
Alex, sitting down, invited her to position herself in front of him.
“Relax, Eli, I won’t do anything you don’t want to...,” he said, smiling and gently pulling her hand.
Eli knelt on the rug while Alex disconnected the phone, leaving them completely separate from the outside world.
Her heart was beating fast and vigorously, and the air began to feel compressed.
“Alex... come, hold me...,” asked Eli, needing reinforcement.
He knelt and took her in his arms. As he kissed her again and again, he loosened her blouse slowly, leaving her for the first time in only her bra.
Her belly sank at the feel of Alex’s hands, which, trembling over her skin, continued to search for her skirt... He pulled the zipper down slowly, letting it fall.
Eli was practically naked; however, Alex was still missing... two final details.
“No, Alex... I’m embarrassed, I don�
��t want to take off my bra...,” said Eli, stopping his hands and shaking from nervousness.
“And this…?” asked Alex, touching her panties.
“Even worse,” replied Eli, terrified.
“Okay, but at least... you’ll let me touch you? I want to feel you...”
“Yes, but... I’m scared...”
“Scared of what? I don’t bite... Well, only sometimes...,” he replied, “calming her down” and returning his fingertips to her neck.
“I don’t know, but wait a little... don’t rush...,” said Eli, almost pleading.
Alex smiled, amused by her innocent requests, and yet... sympathizing with her gentle pleas. And though he also was down to nothing but his underpants, he kept them fully on, pleasing Eli’s strict orders and respecting her understandable conditions.
For an hour in the dark, and on a new rug, Eli felt him more than ever... and more than ever... she felt like his.
Although they did not make love, for Eli it was the closest that she had come to that experience and to tremble at a man’s touch. Alex’s body was moving enthusiastically, burying itself between her legs, just as she had seen in movies. Putting into practice the little she had learned... Eli caressed his bare back, gently pulling his hair and brushing her breasts against his manly chest.
Sighing when he felt her and enjoying the pleasure, Alex moaned, transferring the power to her... And Eli... felt all of him... for the first time...
A mixture of feelings spread through her body: fear, excitement and even a little disgust flowed entangled through her inner virgin. However, his interest enveloped her and at the same time protected her, which was why she felt she could not have been in a better place.
Undoubtedly, it was the happiest day of her life, and nothing or no one in the world... could ruin it. Or at least, so Eli thought...
Before leaving, when they still embraced each other without speaking, Eli could feel his heartbeats. With her head on his chest, she silently confessed to herself how beautiful it would have been... to stop time.
But time did not stop. It did not even reduce its speed.
Simply, it ended with this sentence:
“I have something to tell you…”
“What’s happening, Alex? Don’t scare me.”
“I’m leaving here. I quit. Next week will be my last in this place. I have a trip planned from some time ago, and when I return I will look for another job.”
The sky fell on Eli’s soul at that moment. Curled up within herself like a forsaken animal, she felt her broken wings. The time with Alex, which she cherished so much and which end she was afraid to face, had reached its last station...
There was nothing to add...
That night, like many others, Eli had a hard time falling asleep. This time, however, her agitation was too much, as was her agony. To “relax,” she put on her headphones, intending to listen to love songs she had recorded a few days before. Relax in quotation marks because every theme seemed to tear her heart to pieces. Sobbing in a sea of sorrows, she finally fell asleep.
That weekend was everlasting... Eli counted the minutes, then the seconds, and it seemed that the clock, instead of advancing, was moving backwards. This not being enough torture, on Monday Eli woke up sick. Only this time, she really was sick. It was a seasonal flu with muscle pain and a high temperature that overpowered her body, leaving her without the strength or the energy to get up, let alone... for Alex to see her like that...
After three days of confinement, she finally woke up strong enough to cross the street, probably for the last time...
Eli wanted to say goodbye to him, to tell him everything she felt and to ask for an embrace and a kiss that would last forever.
On entering the store, a sharp pain pierced her chest. Eli froze, unable to move.
“Hello, can I help you?” asked a strange young woman pleasantly.
“Is Alex here?”
“No, Alex doesn’t work here anymore. Yesterday was his last day...,” replied the intruder, unaware of the weight of her words.
Eli felt dizzy. Still weak from her illness, the sentence she had just received finally destroyed her.
“Are you okay?” asked the gentle usurper, “You’ve turned pale…”
“Yes, it’s just that... I’m getting over the flu and... I’d better go home. Thank you…”
The door closed, as if to suggest that she had no business there anymore...
Eli was immobilized for a few seconds, trying to balance her body and calculating how to breathe, without bursting into tears...
Very close by, she stopped in front of a clothing store, where one day a girl, accompanied by her mother, had tried on white pants and a blouse with little flowers...
Then she stopped in front of a hairdresser’s... where that same girl had been transformed into a woman...
Every tree, every flower and every stone on the way escorted her, saddened by a summer... that had just died.
Dragging her bones and with the little strength she still had left, Eli arrived breathless at the door of her house. She barely managed to close it, when she collapsed on the floor. And there, curling up, her forehead touching her knees... she wanted to disappear. A painful cry burst from the depths of her soul. She could not calm down or soothe her heartache. Disconsolate, she remained on the icy floor for twenty minutes before moving to her bed, intending to stay there... without drinking or eating anything.
After all... What for?...
It was hard for her to breathe, as if she had a brick building crushing her lungs. Her eyes burned from so much crying, and her head rumbled to the point of exploding. Eli did not know how to go on living... without Alex.
Nothing could console her. There was no way to alleviate the feeling of loss, and the fact that she had not been able to say goodbye to him... tormented her dreams.
In the following days, her friends, taking turns, tried one by one to raise her spirits, encouraging her and accompanying her. But there was no point...
Her mother tried to talk to her, to ask her, trying to understand what on earth had happened in her daughter’s life. But Eli remained silent.
Even Sofi, who, in extreme situations seemed to be there, tried again and again to break through her armor. But Eli did not want to talk... she just cried.
Her grief continued for a few days until she finally returned to her daily activities, her studies, her dance classes, meetings with friends, and she even spent more time with her parents and sister. Nonetheless... her heart was not in any of those activities.
Her heart was with Alex, the only person who had managed to conquer her defenseless soul and fill it with life.
And Alex... had vanished from the planet without leaving a footprint or trace, not even a seed of hope or a simple goodbye...
Eli, wounded and drained of energy, longed to hear his voice, to feel his arms, his kisses, to touch his skin, and she had nowhere to cling... Not to a photo that could console her, nor a dream that could sustain her...
Then, needing to pour her heart out without being judged or criticized, one night, she took a pencil and paper and, for the first time... wrote a love poem...
Tomorrow everything will be different... and it won’t matter what I feel for you.
Tomorrow... my instincts will die, the same instincts which opened the door, bringing you to me.
And yet, tomorrow... I will do nothing but miss you...
Today I went to see you in search of your embrace, denying, as always, your lack of love.
And I returned forgetting the way and my steps, losing the memory of your sweet taste.
Because no one was there to give me a hand, to tell me in my ear how beautiful I am.
Because I gave you everything, and it was all in vain... left alone and doubting who I am.
Yesterday w
as a dream from which I awoke... and the pain is intense... tell me... was this just a joke???
Your image will remain tattooed in my soul, a story hard to believe which will never be unfold.
A void will remain, seeking for an end, needing your voice to release my pretense.
I will be waiting... longing for you to see...
How I prayed that someday... you will come back... to me…
In the weeks that followed, trying to fill the time, Eli found refuge in books and teen magazines. She often stumbled upon articles of interest to her and cut them out and pasted them in her diary. One of these articles described the astrological characteristics of each sign, as well as the compatibility between one sign and another: which ones together—in the best of cases—would result in success and which—in the worst of cases—would end in disaster. Eli analyzed the article, looking for logic that would show her that Alex... was not for her.
Another article explained the importance of forgiveness. It said that forgiving frees us from unnecessary burdens, prevents illness and heals our wounds... Eli identified with that, and began thinking of forgiving Alex... for having abandoned her and played with her feelings.
It is true that he had never promised her castles in the air, nor a commitment, nor love. But still, being an adult... he should have done better, she thought. Instead of protecting me, he seduced me constantly. And it was true, Alex had not considered her immaturity, her young age, leaving her lost with unanswered questions and doubts in the air that continued endlessly. Had Alex ever felt anything for her? Any fondness, maybe affection? Or only attraction? Could he have had other girls’ hearts captive at the same time? Could he have experienced sorrow or longing when he didn’t say goodbye?
The silence... was killing Eli.
Glancing through her magazines one Sunday morning, she found an article that really caught her attention: it was almost like it was written and basically dedicated to her. She highlighted it, cut it out and pasted it in her diary: