by Keren Or
…A young man is naturally driven to fulfill his sexual desires, and to do so he will use all means of pressure and persuasion to achieve his goal. On the other hand, a young woman’s drive is made up in a different way. Although she also feels the need to be in his arms, in this case that desire is a product of her desire to feel a caress and human warmth. And the sexual act itself does no more than intimidate her.
At the moment of the kiss, the young man’s sexual impulse wakes up. She is not even conscious of how much that excites him. At that instant, when he is already aroused, it will be better for her to stop, identify the “dangerous” situation, control herself and end the “game.”
All this, clearly, without hurting her partner’s feelings.
When dealing with an older man, his “consideration” could be a sign of his abundant experience and self-control. He will make the young woman feel safe at his side and in this way deceive her to have her fall into his hands like a ripe fruit.
In this case, she will have to be twice as careful. Perhaps she will be able to control the situation with a young man of her own age, but she will have more difficulty resisting an older, more experienced man. He will know how to work it out so successfully, that he will take her to the point where she will truly believe in the “paternal” affection he gives her…
The story sounded familiar to her... She was the young girl who came to believe in the affection and security that Alex offered her. She had not managed to control herself emotionally and now had to live the obvious consequences.
Emptiness and loneliness accompanied her days, gradually spreading to other areas of her life. Her studies were the most affected. Lacking concentration and motivation, Eli stopped doing homework, and her participation in class lessened until it disappeared. Experiencing mental blocks when faced with exams, she ended up leaving them blank. Her grades fell noticeably and her self-esteem... likewise.
When her parents began to receive calls from school, as a solution they took her to the educational psychologist: Sara. And surprisingly... Eli did not object. On the contrary, she liked the idea of being able to talk to someone objective and to leave during class time. Sara was just what Eli needed; she was like an angel fallen from heaven welcoming her between its wings like a blessing. And so, Eli felt free to express her feelings and her wildest thoughts without having to pretend or withhold information.
Her weekly hours with Sara were an escape from her miserable life. Miserable... from Eli’s point of view. There, she cried, screamed, insulted and... poured her heart out, but at the same time she shared with Sara the greatest secret of her life... the secret... of her great love.
The psychologist listened to her attentively, giving advice when necessary and not, for any reason, making demands or judging her, as her parents would have done. Finding out about a hidden affair between a girl of fifteen and a man over twenty can fall like lightning on a sunny day, and worse... if it involves one’s own daughter. Eli... did not take the risk.
Thanks to Sara’s constant help, as well as to the support of Franco, her lead teacher, Eli managed to get through the year. The fact of feeling understood and somewhat special by receiving closer attention from Franco combined to make Eli not totally lose her self-worth.
Franco was single, about forty, tall, sturdy and noble of heart. And even though he was getting bald and did not pay attention to Eli’s flirting... she began to like him. Maybe because of the attention he gave her, perhaps because he was like a father who defends but does not disappoint, or perhaps... for filling part of the void Alex had left with his departure.
Anyway, Franco never took advantage of the situation: he maintained his ethics and professionalism at all times. However, his presence in Eli’s life was like a remedy that alleviates but does not cure. It was definitely a contribution.
The school year was about to end, and with it... the time with Sara. About to turn sixteen, Eli, more mature and serene, still… thought of Alex.
“Call him, Eli...,” Sara said, after identifying her growing need for simple closure.
In the last sessions, the subject of Alex had been presented forcefully and repeatedly. Eli wanted more than anything in the world to see him again, to talk to him, to tell him about everything she had lived and felt that last year, and to be honest about what she still felt for him. She just needed a little push...
“I’m serious, Eli...,” Sara added.
“What? How? I would die!” said Eli, terrified.
“Listen to your heart... and if you feel calling him will help you to move on, then do it.”
Eli was stunned all day. Calling Alex was absurd, simply madness!
Besides, it was not as easy as crossing the street to his front door and going to see him. She did not even have his phone number or any address, so it was almost an impossible mission.
Still, when an idea crossed Eli’s mind... there was no way to stop her. And so, that same afternoon, she chose to search in the only way she could: remembering his last name and the city where he lived. She managed to get a list of names from the phone directory... One after another she called and crossed out the numbers, but Eli did not lose hope. She still had... two numbers left to dial...
“Hello... may I speak to Alex, please?” she asked, having lost count of her calls.
“You have the wrong number,” said a young man on the other end of the line, “but it’s my cousin you’re looking for. I’ll give you his number...,” he added just before Eli hung up, disappointed.
A great sigh came from Eli’s chest. I got it!! she thought excitedly.
There was no turning back. The only thing left was for Alex… to answer the phone.
Eli waited for a couple of rings, and when a woman answered she hung up immediately.
Could it be his mother? Eli preferred to avoid the typical questions about “who’s speaking” or “what do you want” so as not to have to give any explanation. She was not trying to cause Alex trouble... she just wanted to hear his voice.
That week she tried her luck a few more times, but the same woman always answered. Then she began to wonder if it was not a sign that perhaps... she should give up calling, knowing full well that probably before that happened, doubt... would give up on her.
One morning, however, with the sun lighting up her room, Eli woke up much earlier than planned. Getting up at ten, especially at that age, meant getting up early; more so on a Saturday. Since she could not go back to sleep, she used the time to update her diary, even though she no longer had anything interesting or exciting to recount...
As she reviewed memories, a detailed account of her last time with Alex caught her full attention: that happy holiday afternoon, exactly one year before...
Exactly one year before?
Yes!... Reading the date at the corner of the page, Eli froze. Could it be a coincidence?
There was only one way to find out...
Eli dialed the number and took a deep breath. A male voice answered on the other end...
“Hello... may I speak to Alex, please?” asked Eli, trembling.
“Yes, this is Alex, who is it?”
“Eli... from the store... a year ago... remember?” she said, about to faint and sweating from nervousness.
“Eli! Of course I remember you. What a surprise to hear your voice! How are you?”
Eli was not expecting that reaction; she was sure Alex would get angry with her for having obtained his number or for having invaded his privacy. However, Alex was still sweet and kind, as if time had not passed.
“I want to see you, Alex,” she said, skipping the small talk. “I’ll be alone at my house until noon... Can you come?”
“Er...,” said Alex, astonished. “You remember that I have a girlfriend, right? Well, I’m still with her,” he continued, verifying her expectations.
“Yes… I remember.
But since it never bothered you before... I imagine that it won’t now either... Will it? “ said Eli, with so much assurance that she even surprised herself.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes. See you.”
Alex was on his way. And Eli... could not believe it...
God exists, and he heard my prayers and my endless pleas to get to see Alex one last time and tell him goodbye, she thought, something that should have happened... a year ago.
Quickly, she went to get herself ready for her longed-for reunion... Alex would arrive at any moment, and Eli wanted to remind him of all that he had lost...
When the bell rang and Eli opened the door after taking a deep breath, she saw, leaning on the wall, the man who had in his power all the happiness of her existence, the same one whose memory had accompanied her nights and days for a whole year, Alex... was now in front of her, and he looked... more handsome than ever.
Through the windows of the building, the sun lighted his brown hair and tanned skin. His blond streaks shone brighter than before, the telltale signs of endless hours at the beach. He wore a white shirt and worn-out jeans—he looked like a model out of a magazine. Eli melted... Her heart throbbed, bursting with emotion, but her demeanor feigned control...
“Come in. Would you like something to drink?” she asked, leaving the door open for him to follow her, and hiding the fact that she would kill to throw herself on him to devour him with kisses.
Behind her... Eli heard his footsteps, but she did not dare turn around and see him again.
Trying to delay the moment of having to face him, Eli took a glass and a drink, when suddenly, while pouring it... she felt his hands grasping her waist.
Cornered, at a point of no return and breathing very deeply, she turned suddenly, being exactly where she had dreamed of being each of the last three hundred and sixty-five nights: trapped in his arms.
“You’re beautiful, Eli, quite a woman,” said Alex, moving her away from him to see her better.
Eli was about to thank him, when Alex... rushed to kiss her, leaning her against the marble counter.
The thrill of feeling him again, after so many months of pain, was immense... Salty drops began to pour down to her lips. Eli could taste them and yet... the kiss was sweet.
Alex was real... and he was before her again.
Minutes later, following her into the living room, Alex sat silently, letting her handle the situation.
Eli began by telling him how much she had suffered by not being able to bid him farewell, at least... with a goodbye, how painful it was to stop seeing him from one day to the next, when she still needed his caresses, his looks, his hugs... And all for the simple reason that she was... madly and hopelessly in love with him.
Alex looked surprised. He clearly knew what Eli felt for him, but he had never imagined it was so strong. It was hard for him to understand the intensity of the hurt she had suffered because of his sudden disappearance and the immense sadness she experienced. Yet... seeing her so exposed, so honest would move even the iciest heart. His affection... seemed to flow towards her naturally.
“Alex... I know I didn’t mean anything to you and probably nor was I the only one...”
“That’s not true, Eli. You’ve seen that I didn’t forget you... and I am here for a reason...”
“Perhaps... but... Could you look me in the eye and swear to me that I was the only one?”
“Eli... I don’t know who told you otherwise. Apart from my girlfriend, I was only with you...”
Eli did not know whether or not to believe him, but it really was not important. Besides, never before had she seen him so serious and expressive, and that alone... had a lot of value for her. In her wildest dreams, she had never imagined that she would reach this surreal moment.
“Come, Eli, come closer...,” said Alex, holding out his arms, “I don’t want you to be left with that feeling...”
Eli sat down beside him, and Alex cuddled her as if she were a child.
And Eli clung to him... as if he were her savior. Then she said to him:
“What will happen after you leave?”
“If you want, we can keep seeing each other... under the same conditions, obviously. I would love to,” replied Alex, as if he had presented her with a tempting, not-to-be-missed proposal.
“Then... it will be better for everything to end here...,” Eli answered with an unexpected calm. “I don’t want to continue with these rules. I believe... I know… that I deserve something better...”
“You deserve much more than you think!” Alex corrected her. “And I’m sure that sooner than you imagine, you will find your Prince Charming... and he will be very lucky to have you at his side...”
After spending several minutes hugging and kissing, Eli walked Alex to the door. The idea that time cannot be stopped was more than clear and, therefore, the story with Alex was coming to its end. There was no other option but to say goodbye... and to let him go...
“I have a feeling we’ll see each other again some day,” said Alex as he caressed her cheek. “In a couple more years... who knows? Maybe I’ll be single... Promise me, Eli, that you will not think about me anymore and that you will stop suffering...”
“I promise you I’ll make the effort. Don’t worry... I’ll be fine...,” she said in the middle of an embrace, trying to convince herself more than convincing him.
So, Alex hugged her more tightly, kissing her as if the world would end the next day. Then he tenderly kissed her forehead, sealing with his own essence Eli’s soul and skin.
She watched as the elevator and life took Alex away forever.
It was sad to lose him again, but at the same time... very liberating.
Closing the door of her house, she tried to digest this life experience.
Was she calmer?
Probably…
Happy?
Maybe...
But, definitely, full of dreams and hope for her future.
And as the old adage says: “When one door closes... a window opens.”
Eli, at last, had managed to close that door...
And now the only thing left… was the opening of...
A window…
8
The perfect key
Trying to return to her routine, improve her grades and go back to her lost path, Eli focused on her studies and friendships. The memory of Alex remained in her mind, but whereas before it used to occupy all the space... now time took charge of keeping it locked in a special drawer. From time to time, that drawer would open, and the kisses, the embraces and the captivating looks spilled into her mind, sending sharp arrows straight to her heart because, unfortunately, Eli did not have a key to keep that very special drawer closed; nevertheless, no one could say she did not try to find such a key. In fact... the only thing she wanted was to find the key that would lock and then replace that drawer empty of new experiences and full of loneliness with a new, fresh space...
Unluckily, the few times she thought she had found it, she quickly discovered... that it did not fit. Like that time she tried to close the drawer of her memories of Alex with a key that was too small. The premature one was a student from her school, a year younger than her. During recess they exchanged looks, and so Eli took the initiative to send him her phone number through a friend. The immature infant called her, and they even agreed to go out one night, but when the time came... he stood her up, leaving her at home dressed like a pretty little Christmas tree. On another occasion, she tried with a key that was too thin, so thin that it almost broke when she tried to transform a friendship of many years into something more. Fortunately, both she and he stopped in time, realizing that... not every relationship is destined to end in passion. In this case, Eli could not imagine her own lips kissing her almost-brother and erasing the sacred memory of Alex with something that was not really worth th
e trouble. It was more testing her luck—risking losing it—than anything else, but thank goodness... nobody was hurt.
But Eli did not give up. She even went further in search of her key... right there at school and with the flamboyant twenty-five year old theater teacher! On several occasions, she asked, in the middle of classes, to go to the bathroom, getting lost in the hallways and always ending up in his classroom, which was not on her way... In the short conversations they had, Eli learned that he had recently ended a long, serious relationship... so he was only interested in having sex without commitment...
And kindly... he proposed it to Eli.
Who understands men? she thought as she ran back to her classroom. The only thing they want is sex... What a disappointment. Having been well-raised, Eli thanked him for considering her as an option and for his generous proposal, but without blinking... she let it pass. “If that’s the only thing I can get... I’ll stay with Alex,” she thought silently.
From then on... she no longer got lost looking for the bathroom...
However, days after this episode, during recess she saw in the distance the bold teacher handing out suspicious little pieces of paper. Intrigued... she approached and asked him directly what it was about, receiving as an answer that he taught private guitar lessons.
A slight feeling of enthusiasm began to show signs of life in her body. He likes the guitar, and I like him…, thought Eli. As a child she had learned to play the organ, obtaining the gift of a piano for her efforts and talent. But over time, that piano had been left aside because she ended up feeling bored and frustrated with having to obey the strict rules of her demanding teacher. After all... Eli just wanted to play what she could sing and to be left in peace with the complex symphonies, and, in her own way... to have fun.
Unlike the piano, the guitar had never caught her attention before, despite there being one in her house, just gathering dust...