The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  I weighed in first thing this morning, but I’ve been out at church so haven’t had time to post. I’m very pleased to report a 1 kg loss this morning. Only 0.2 kg to go until I have less than 30 to lose. Hopefully I will achieve that mini goal in the coming week.

  God bless,

  Belle

  User: Kitty Kat / Location: Emerald River, NSW / Rank: Newbie

  Sunday September 6 2015

  Congratulations Belle and Ellie on your losses. I had an up and down week. The first few days I was good, but then Josh brought home pizza for himself on Wednesday night because he says he’s a working man and he can’t survive on rabbit food. I tried to be good so I had my healthy meal but after Josh had gone to bed I cut one of the leftover pieces in half and ate it. I felt really guilty afterwards, especially when Josh noticed the next morning and harassed me about it.

  I was pretty good for the rest of the week, but we had a big fight yesterday afternoon and I ended up taking Ami next door to see my neighbour Mrs Parsons. She’s a lovely old lady and she just loves Ami. Mrs P’s daughter lives in Singapore so she barely gets to see her grandchildren. I’m so lucky because she’s very kind to me and she treats Ami as if she’s her own granddaughter. It’s good because Josh doesn’t speak to his mum and my parents have already passed away, so poor little Ami doesn’t have any grandparents to speak of. It’s nice, I think, to have older people in your life.

  Anyway, Mrs P invited Ami and me to stay for dinner and I said yes, because I really didn’t want to go back home to Josh. He can be really nasty when he’s in a bad mood. She made roast chicken and vegetables, so I ate that and then we had sponge cake and cream for dessert. She’d gone to so much trouble I didn’t have the heart to say no.

  So my loss this week is 0.5 kg. I’m pretty pleased with that to be honest. At least I didn’t gain anything. Looking forward to a better week next week.

  Best wishes

  Kat x

  User: Mezz / Location: South West Victoria / Rank: Newbie

  Sunday September 6 2015

  Quick update from me! After a shaky start I managed to get my act together and lost a kilo this week. I’m thrilled! I’d just like to publicly thank Jewels for her support via PM during the week. I wouldn’t have been able to do it without your daily support, Jewels. Thank you so much.

  Congratulations Ellie and Belle on your losses. Kat, hang in there. You had a stressful week and still managed to lose something. Good on you!

  Looking forward to us all posting good losses next week.

  Mezz

  User: Princess Jewels / Location: Melbourne / Rank: Old Hand

  Sunday September 6 2015

  Woo hoo! Great week everyone. I’m posting a loss of 0.2 kg, which I am TOTALLY stoked with! I know it’s not much but it IS a loss and that’s the main thing, especially after the week I’ve had. I haven’t really felt up to talking about this until now, but I got some upsetting news on Monday, news that would normally have me making (and eating!) cupcakes by the dozen.

  I feel kind of ashamed to admit to this, because the news shouldn’t be upsetting. It’s wonderful news, really. My little sister is having a baby. And I’m happy for her, truly I am, but it’s taken me a few days to get there. You see, Sofia already has three kids and this wasn’t a planned pregnancy. I feel awful about this, but when she told me all I could feel was resentment. Why her and not me? It just seems so unfair.

  Anyway, I’ve come to terms with the whole thing now. Well, not really, but I’m determined not to be a cow about it to my sister AND I’m going to use this as inspiration for my weight loss. I will not allow my emotions to sabotage me. I’m proud of the fact I didn’t let this little upset totally derail me.

  Mezz, no need to thank me. You’ve helped me stay on track too, honey. Well, apart from the unfortunate biscuit incident. Eating half a tray of Firenzini (or Florentines as they’re commonly known) probably was a little excessive (LOL!) but in my defence I had only just found out and I wasn’t thinking straight at the time.

  Anyway troops, onwards and upwards (or should I say downwards?)

  Looking forward to kicking ass this week!

  Ciao!

  Jewels xox

  User: Shrinking Shelley / Location: Sydney / Rank: Expert

  Sunday September 6 2015

  Hi girls,

  Just popping in to check on your first week weigh-in results. There are some good losses here, which we would absolutely expect in the first week. Well done to those of you who recorded a decent loss.

  Girls, I hate to say this, but I am seeing a significant amount of excuses this week. That’s quite disappointing considering we are right at the start of a new round. The WON program is a fail-proof system. Follow the program and you will be guaranteed success. If you want to succeed, follow the program. It’s as simple as that. No excuses.

  I’m issuing a challenge to you all to have a mistake-free week. You too can be a WON success story like me. I just KNOW you can.

  I’ll pop back next week to see how you all went.

  Shelley

  Kat pushed the spinach and rocket leaves around her plate as she stared at her laptop screen. She’d already picked out all the good bits in the salad. The scant cubes of fetta first, followed by the marinated capsicum and then the plump cherry tomatoes. Now it was just the rabbit food (as Josh would say) left.

  Her stomach still felt hollow but the thought of chewing those leaves left her cold. A week of eating this crap and she was over it already. Spinach leaves seemed to form part of almost every WON meal. She longed for something more substantial. Some burek would go down pretty well right now. What she wouldn’t give for just one bite of that meat-filled flaky pastry. It’d been ages since she made any sort of traditional food. All the dishes her mother had taught her to cook had disappeared from her repertoire over time, especially since she’d been living with Josh.

  Her cultural heritage wasn’t something she felt comfortable displaying in front of him. He knew, of course, that she was Bosnian, that she’d come here as a refugee when she was fourteen and that she’d been raised a Muslim, but they didn’t talk about it much. Particularly the Muslim thing. Her religion wasn’t something that sat easily with him, she suspected. Not that Josh was a bigot. Of course he wasn’t. But like many of the people who lived here in Emerald River, he just didn’t understand that the images he saw on TV of extremists preaching hate were far removed from the version of Islam she’d grown up with. And it wasn’t as if she was a practising Muslim when she met him, so what was the point of making a big deal of the faith she was born into? So these days she celebrated Christmas, ate sandwiches and Four’N Twenty pies, and saved up her memories of her life before the war to be enjoyed in the dreamlike state she inhabited just before sleep.

  ‘Mama, mo, mo!’ Ami slapped her chubby palm on the highchair tray.

  Kat smiled at her daughter. ‘You want more, baby?’

  Ami’s little lips stretched into a wide smile, revealing her recently acquired two bottom teeth. ‘Mo!’

  ‘Yeah, I know, beba,’ Kat said as she placed some freshly cut cubes of cheese onto the highchair tray. ‘Mama wants more too.’ She grimaced at her own words. Ami was too little to notice that her mum was limiting her food intake. Or at least she hoped she was. What sort of example was she setting for her daughter? Part of her envied Ami’s unadulterated relationship with food. Her baby girl ate when she was hungry and refused food when she wasn’t. The food had no power over her. What a wonderful way to live.

  Unless of course Ami’s appetite led to obesity.

  Right now strangers stopped Kat in the supermarket to comment favourably on her daughter’s chubby cheeks and pleasingly plump form. ‘Isn’t she adorable?’ they’d say. But Kat knew that admiration had a use-by date. By the time Ami started preschool she had better be conforming to acceptable w
eight standards or Kat would be labelled a bad mother.

  More than anything, Kat feared that her child would be the type of kid TV commentators referred to when they talked about the ‘obesity epidemic’. Being a fat woman in this society was no fun. Kat could only imagine how difficult it would be to go through life as a fat child.

  The problem of setting the right example seemed to have no solution to Kat. If she dieted she was teaching Ami to be dissatisfied with her body but if she remained fat wasn’t that sending the wrong message too? And even if she somehow managed to set the right example, once her baby left her care and went off to school she’d be bombarded with all sorts of negative messages anyway. It was inevitable that one day Ami would look at her thighs and decide they didn’t measure up against the other girls. Or some boy would call her fat. And no words from Kat would be able to undo that pain. That’s how it would start. Then Ami would be like all the other females she knew, embracing hunger in the pursuit of the perfect body or living with the consequences of not being able to withstand it.

  Right now, Kat was on the precipice. She wanted to be strong but nothing staved off the hunger. Over the past week she’d tried all the tips in the WON Tools section – drinking big glasses of water, distracting herself, exercising, eating a kilojoule free snack – but her stomach still rumbled and grumbled, her head ached and her mood grew darker with each day that passed.

  Despite his promise to support her, Josh had been no help after the first two days. He refused to eat the same meals as her, saying it wasn’t enough food for a man doing physical labour (and he probably had a point there). When she’d argued that she didn’t have time to cook separate meals for all of them he grunted that he’d sort himself out. That had resulted in the pizza on Wednesday night. He’d taken himself off to the pub on Thursday night and Friday he’d brought home fish and chips, which she’d had to exercise superhuman willpower to resist.

  Yesterday they’d fought about it. He told her he wasn’t the fat one so he didn’t see why he should be punished. He told her to get out and do a bit of exercise like he did and then maybe she wouldn’t have to eat like a sparrow to lose weight.

  The look on his face when he used the word ‘fat’ was one of utter disgust. Kat’s chest tightened as she recalled his curled lip and scornful eyes. She stabbed some of the leaves with her fork and brought them to her mouth. If she lost Josh what would happen to her and Ami? The rent here was pretty cheap, so she’d get by, but there would be nothing left over, no savings for Ami’s future. The last thing she wanted was her daughter growing up without any security. She wanted a better childhood for Ami than the one she’d had.

  Josh was a good man. He had a good job and he was never stingy with his money. He always made sure she had plenty of cash for groceries and the bills were paid on time. And he loved his daughter, there was no doubting that. Kat just wasn’t so sure that he loved her anymore.

  She had to do better. If Josh saw she was trying he’d be happier. Some of the women on the forum had lost quite a lot this week. If she had a perfect week like Shelley suggested maybe she’d lose two kilos like Ellie had. Josh was right about one thing. She really needed to do some exercise. The more weight she put on the harder it was to chase after the little ones at work. Her back was constantly sore, and walking up the stairs from the beach had her gasping for air. Sometimes she felt much older than her thirty-four years. She should be in the prime of her life, not hobbling around like an old woman. No wonder Josh was repulsed.

  It was a beautiful spring day. A great day to put Ami in the pram and go for a walk. It wasn’t exactly a high intensity workout but better than sitting on her fat arse doing nothing. She could take Ami to the park on the beachfront. Shame Josh wasn’t around. They could go together. It’d be a nice little family outing, the type of thing they’d talked about doing when she was pregnant with Ami. In some ways those months, when Ami was safely contained in her womb, were the best days of Kat’s life.

  Josh had been so tender then. They’d only been together for a few months when she’d skipped her period. She hadn’t needed to pee on a stick. She was familiar with the symptoms of early pregnancy. Her body reacted to the hormonal assault just like it had the first time.

  But this time she was different. She rejoiced in her swollen breasts and faint feelings of nausea. She embraced the exhaustion and the heightened sense of smell. This time she knew that she would protect the baby growing inside her no matter what.

  Of course she hadn’t expected a warm reception from Josh. She thought once she told him he’d run for the hills. Or ask her to get rid of it. Which absolutely wasn’t a choice.

  It was a warm January night when she broke the news. Josh had knocked off early and gone for a surf. She met him on the beach with a rug and parcel of fish and chips. They ate their food and then she stared out into the ocean, not daring to look at his face while she delivered the news. She was eight weeks pregnant. The baby was most definitely his. She was keeping it. His level of involvement was up to him. She had a job. She could support herself. She wasn’t asking for anything, merely telling him as a matter of courtesy.

  For a moment there was just the sound of the waves and the squawking of two seagulls fighting over a leftover chip. Her heart hammered in her chest until he gently covered her hand with his and squeezed. ‘I’m so happy,’ he whispered. He kissed her then, softly, tenderly, and said the words it was too soon to say. ‘I love you, Kat. I want to be with you. I am so happy you’re having my baby.’

  That was the moment she knew she loved him too. Up until then he’d been a bit of fun. Nice company and great sex. She hadn’t really thought about them having a future together. She hadn’t even decided whether she wanted to stay on in this town, let alone considered making a life with Josh.

  But here he was telling her he loved her, he wanted to be with her and it was totally intoxicating. She told him she loved him too.

  The wire security door slammed and she looked up to see Josh throwing his keys on the hallstand.

  ‘Hey babe,’ he said, like they hadn’t had the mother of all fights yesterday and hadn’t spoken since.

  ‘Hey,’ she said softly. ‘Where’ve you been?’

  He walked past her and opened the fridge. ‘Went for a surf early and I ran into Steve. He mentioned he was having trouble with his truck so I said I’d go over and take a look.’

  ‘I tried calling but you didn’t pick up.’

  He shrugged. ‘Yeah sorry. Left the phone in the car.’

  She raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Josh’s phone was practically welded to his hand these days. It was hard to imagine he was telling the truth, but she said nothing. No point reigniting the situation.

  He closed the fridge without taking anything out. ‘So what are my girls up to this afternoon?’ he said, tickling Ami under her chin. Ami squealed with delight and stretched out her arms so that Josh would pick her up. He blew a raspberry on her cheek, eliciting more giggles and squeals, before unlocking the safety harness and removing her from her high chair.

  Josh laughed at his affectionate little girl and turned to smile at Kat. It was impossible to stay mad at him when he looked at her like that. Clearly she’d overreacted yesterday. It was this damn diet making her cranky. That was the problem. Josh still loved them, still loved her. How could she have doubted him?

  ‘I was just going to take Ami for a walk to the park at the beach. Want to come?’

  ‘Sure. Maybe we can get an ice cream.’

  ‘Not for me. My diet, remember?’

  ‘You still doing that? I thought for sure you would have given up by now. Good for you.’

  Warmth spread through her chest. ‘Thanks. I think I can make it work. I’ve met other people doing the program too. We’re helping each other out. You know, encouraging each other.’

  He stopped playing with Ami and looked at her. ‘What peo
ple? People here in Emerald River?’

  ‘No,’ she said, immediately regretting having mentioned it. ‘People online.’

  He placed Ami on the floor. ‘Are you fucking out of your mind?’

  ‘Josh! Don’t speak like that in front of her.’

  Ami looked up at them, her blue eyes wide and her bottom lip beginning to tremble.

  ‘It’s okay, baby. Want to watch Peppa Pig for a little while? Come on. Mama will put it on for you.’

  Josh waited until Ami was engrossed in her show before turning back to Kat. His voice was calmer now. ‘Seriously, Kat, do you think it’s a good idea to be giving out information about yourself over the internet? There are all sorts of weirdos lurking out there. And scams too. People are getting ripped off every day.’

  ‘I’m not an idiot. I haven’t given anyone any information. We just talk about the diet. How we’re going, that sort of thing. I can’t believe you’re being such a pain in the arse about this. You were the one who suggested this program in the first place.’

  ‘That was before I knew you were going to go blabbing our business all over the net. I thought it was just a diet. I didn’t know there’d be chatrooms involved.’

  ‘Where is this coming from? I have no idea what you’re getting so bent out of shape over.’

  ‘I’m just trying to protect you, that’s all. I forbid you to use the chatroom. Okay? That’s over.’

  Kat made her voice very quiet so Ami wouldn’t hear. ‘Excuse me? You forbid me? Who the fuck do you think you are? You’re not my father. You’re not even my husband. Not that it makes any difference. You have no right to tell me who I can talk to or what I can do.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, can’t you just do what I ask for once?’ Without another word he walked back up the hallway and out the front door, slamming it behind him as he left.

  Kat felt winded, like he’d punched her. She’d never seen him like this before. Sure, he could get testy at times – lately that seemed to be happening with increasing frequency – but usually he came around pretty quickly. And he’d never tried to control or limit her before.