The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  Her life was one big lie at the moment and she wasn’t sure how she’d let herself slip into living this way. Take this weekend, for instance. Sean had no idea she was going to stay with three women she’d met on the internet. In the twilight moments before sleep last night she’d imagined him looking bamboozled as the police questioned him upon the discovery of her murdered body.

  ‘No,’ he’d said, shaking his head in a bewildered fashion. ‘You must be mistaken. My wife doesn’t even know anyone on the internet. She’s a respected doctor. She doesn’t hang around in chatrooms, for Pete’s sake. There’s no way she’d go off for a weekend with people she’s never met. You clearly don’t know anything about my wife.’

  At that point her eyes had snapped open. Sean was the one who didn’t know his wife anymore and she wasn’t sure whose fault that was.

  In their twenty-two years of marriage she’d never lied to Sean. Not like this. Of course there’d been the white lies that all wives told their husbands.

  This dress isn’t new. I’ve had it for ages.

  Of course I don’t mind going to your parents’ house for Christmas.

  I’ve only had two glasses.

  Yes, I came. It was wonderful, darling. Really.

  But this was a lie that couldn’t be laughed off or explained away if she got caught out, and she wasn’t sure why she’d done it.

  When the weekend was first mentioned she decided she’d have to come clean with Sean about the forum and the friendships she’d made there. But before that she’d have to tell him about the WON program and the three hundred dollars she’d spent to join up. Not that he’d say anything about the money. He could hardly begrudge her spending something on herself when she was the main breadwinner in the family. But then he’d be wondering why she hadn’t lost any weight. (She actually had lost a couple of kilos in the beginning but it was hard to follow the program exactly when she wasn’t the one who did the cooking.) And then she’d feel like a failure.

  Again.

  Obviously if a wife was going to have a discussion with her husband about three-hundred-dollar weight loss programs where people didn’t actually lose any weight but did gain friends who understood them in a way no one else ever had – well, there would need to be a good time for that discussion to happen. A time when the husband in question was in a good mood and the wife wasn’t rushing out the door. When there were no kids crying or fighting and when the dog hadn’t just thrown up on the carpet. Unfortunately no such time had occurred.

  So she’d told him she’d mixed up the dates and the conference actually ended on Saturday, not Friday like she’d previously said. The Friday finish was already a lie, and she felt surprisingly little guilt in stretching the truth even further. She told him she’d be too tired to drive straight home and that she’d make her way home on Sunday. He’d believed her, of course. He had no reason not to. And it wasn’t just the weekend away she was lying about. She’d also failed to tell him about the surgeon’s appointment she had booked. She told herself that there was nothing to tell just yet. It wasn’t as if she’d booked in to have the weight loss surgery. She was merely finding out more information.

  She knew the justification was a crock. No good could come from keeping secrets like this from Sean. If he’d done the same to her she’d be furious. In fact, if she found out he was lying like this to her she’d have to wonder whether he valued their marriage.

  Her stomach churned as the sat nav told her to take the next exit.

  Was that what this trip was really all about? Was she leaving her marriage behind?

  ★

  Having dozed off on the sun lounge, Ellie woke to the sound of a car door slamming shut. A short rotund woman stood in the driveway looking up towards the balcony, her hand shielding her eyes from the glare.

  Ellie quickly stood up and waved. ‘Hi! Mezz, right? I’m Ellie,’ she called. ‘Stay right where you are. I’ll be down in a flash.’

  When she got to the car Mezz smiled warmly. ‘I wasn’t sure if I was in the right place. The way Jewels described this place I thought it was going to be some tumbling down old cottage.’

  ‘Just wait until you get inside. It’s huge. Can I help you with any of your luggage?’

  ‘Sure, that’d be great. Can you carry the shopping bag? I stopped off on the way to get a few things for us to share.’

  ‘Oh you’re going to be in big trouble when Jewels sees this. I almost had to handcuff her so I could pay for a few of bottles of champagne. She’s insisting that as we’re her guests we’re her responsibility.’

  Mezz grinned. ‘Lucky I didn’t ask first then. So where are the others? Are they here?’

  Ellie shook her head. ‘They took Ami to the park. Kat is trying to tire her out so she’ll sleep well tonight.’

  ‘Ah, I remember those days. My kids were terrible sleepers. Especially the eldest one.’

  ‘While we’re waiting for the others, let me show you to your room. I’m sure Jewels won’t mind if I give you the tour of the house in her absence.’

  ‘Sounds great.’

  ★

  ‘Did she go down okay?’ Jewels asked as Kat came back upstairs.

  Kat nodded. ‘Yes, no worries at all. I’m surprised actually because this is the first time she’s ever slept anywhere other than her own cot. But she just loved the musical mobile you have in there. I played it a few times and she drifted off quite easily. She’s normally a good sleeper so hopefully we won’t hear a peep out of her until morning.’

  ‘Did you turn the monitor on down there?’

  ‘Yeah. I’ll just switch on the one in the kitchen if nobody minds?’

  ‘Of course we don’t mind,’ Mezz said. ‘It would be awful if she was crying and we couldn’t hear her.’

  Jewels eased herself out of the armchair she’d been sitting in and made her way across the open plan living area to the kitchen. ‘Ladies, shall we sit at the dining table? I made us some pre-dinner nibblies and I think it’d be easier if we sat at the table.’

  ‘Sounds great,’ said Ellie. ‘Shall I pop the bubbly?’

  Mezz clapped her hands. ‘Oh great idea. What can I do?’

  Jewels waved her away. ‘Nothing. You just sit, my love. I’ll bring the food over and I’m sure Ellie can manage the drinks. Don’t worry, you can help clean up later.’

  Once they each had a glass in their hand Jewels raised hers to propose a toast. ‘Thank you all so much for travelling from far and wide to be here today. When I suggested this weekend away, I really didn’t imagine we’d pull it off. But we have! And so far I think it’s all going swimmingly. I mean, really, I guess this whole thing could have been a total disaster. Oh god, I sound like an idiot. What I mean to say is, I’m so glad you’re all here. Cheers, ladies. Here’s to beautiful new friendships.’

  Chapter Ten

  ‘I feel like I’m on one of those reality TV shows,’ Kat said. ‘You know, Real Housewives of Melbourne or whatever it’s called. Although we’d be the Real Housewives of Australia, I suppose.’ She began to giggle at the thought, but stopped abruptly. Was that a stupid thing to say? Maybe the others hadn’t ever seen Real Housewives. Not having Foxtel she’d only seen the show a couple of times herself. Mrs P was addicted to it and if she happened to be there when it was on they’d watch it together, with Mrs P doing a running commentary so she knew what was going on. But these women weren’t anything like Mrs P. Mezz and Ellie looked like the types who never watched anything unless it was on the ABC or SBS, although Jewels might be an outside chance to know what she was on about.

  Yep, Jewels was an ally. She was clapping her hands together and smiling at Kat. ‘Oh, I love the Melbourne Housewives. Especially Gina. She’s my favourite. What makes you think we’re like the housewives, honey?’

  Kat waved her empty glass in the air. ‘This,’ she said. ‘I’ve never had
champagne before. Not the real stuff anyway. And,’ she swept her free hand around in a wide arc, ‘this place. Honestly, Jewels, I’ve never been in such a posh house. I mean, there are three bathrooms.’

  Shut up, Kat.

  She was totally and utterly out of her depth here. As lovely as these women were, they were from a different world. She wondered if any of them knew what it was like to decide between paying the electricity bill and eating that week. Unlikely. And it wasn’t just the money. They were all so smart and sophisticated. One of them was a doctor, another owned a business, and the last of the trio was a curator of an art gallery. She wasn’t even sure what that job actually was. The only gallery she’d ever been to was the National Gallery in Melbourne and that was on a school excursion, when she was a kid. The rest of them were probably wondering why on earth they’d invited her. She was making a total fool of herself.

  Jewels set down a plate of cheese and fruit on the coffee table. They’d moved from the dining table to the comfy lounge chairs now after consuming a dinner of spaghetti carbonara, followed by custard-filled profiteroles from Jewels’ bakery. It was the most Kat had eaten in a long time and she felt uncomfortably full. What they’d consumed definitely wasn’t a WON-approved meal but they’d all agreed that their first meet-up was an occasion that deserved to be celebrated WON-free.

  ‘Don’t be fooled by this place,’ Jewels said. ‘I grew up above a shop in Werribee, and let me assure you there was nothing posh about that. Mum and Dad bought this place for a song when we were kids. Back then it only had two bedrooms. Sofia and I had to share a bedroom when we came down here.’

  Kat was surprised. ‘Really? It’s hard to imagine it was ever so small.’

  ‘Believe me, this place was a total dump when we first started coming down here. But we all loved it. Sofia and I loved having the yard to play in and of course it was fabulous having the beach right across the road. In Werribee we had no yard at all and the apartment above my parents’ shop wasn’t exactly palatial. We did get to spend some time at my grandparents’ place, which was good. They had a small market garden out at Werribee South. They grew cauliflowers. Sofia and I loved going to the farm because there was plenty of room to run around, but you had to stay out of Nonno’s way or he’d give you a job.’ Jewels laughed. ‘He was a strict old bugger. Anyway, this place was tiny and rundown, but my dad fell in love with it. We’d come down here on Saturday afternoons after the shop had closed and all the adults would work on the house. My aunt and uncle had a caravan set up in the backyard here, so they’d be here with their kids and my grandparents would often drive down of a Sunday. Nonna would cook up a feast to feed us all while the rest of the adults laid bricks, or plastered or painted – whatever that weekend’s project turned out to be.’

  ‘So your family built this themselves?’ Mezz said. ‘Wow. That’s amazing.’

  Jewels nodded. ‘Pretty much. Dad’s getting older now and so he recently paid to have the kitchen updated and the floors polished. Mum had to nag him for ages though. He prides himself on getting things done himself. And if he can’t do it, he’s always got a brother, a cousin or a mate who can. Now that they can afford to pay tradesmen, this DIY quirk of his drives Mum insane. She wants everything done “right now”.’

  Ellie shot Jewels a smile. ‘I know what Kat means, though. It is a lovely home. And it certainly has more charm than the box I live in at the moment.’

  ‘Really?’ Kat had imagined them all living in swanky houses or apartments. ‘I was sure you would live in some flash apartment with fancy artwork hung on every wall.’

  Ellie laughed. ‘I wish. Our apartment is pretty small. Two bedrooms, one bathroom, a living area and a tiny kitchen. We don’t even have a separate laundry – that’s part of the bathroom. It’s fairly modern, but it lacks . . .’ Ellie paused for a moment, seemingly searching for the right word to convey what she meant.

  ‘What?’ asked Mezz.

  ‘Soul.’ Ellie’s face took on a wistful expression. ‘It’s Jenn’s place really. She was already living there and I moved in with her. Jenn’s not really into homemaking or decorating. To her a home is a place to eat and sleep in between meetings or social engagements. When I first came to Australia I wasn’t sure if it’d work out, whether I’d be able to get a job, so I didn’t bring all my things with me. Just the necessities. Now I’ve been here two years and I still haven’t really made my mark on the place. Maybe next time I go to London I’ll bring some of my treasures back with me. Make the place feel more like home.’ Ellie smiled, but Kat recognised the sadness in her eyes. She could see her own loneliness mirrored in Ellie’s expression.

  So maybe the others didn’t have the perfect lives she’d imagined and maybe they weren’t all born with silver spoons in their mouths, but they were still out of her league.

  Jewels retrieved the champagne bottle and topped up Kat’s glass. ‘Mum will be thrilled to know you think the house is “posh”. Her whole life seems to revolve around what other people think.’

  Kat laughed. ‘I’m probably not the best judge. I’ve never lived anywhere that had more than one bathroom. I really like the little place we’ve got now, though. It’s only a two-bedroom unit, but it’s completely separate from the unit next door. Mrs P, who I’ve told you all about, lives next door. We’ve got our own driveway and our own little backyard. It’s really just like a small house. And we can walk to the beach. I love it.’ A lump formed in Kat’s throat and she could feel the tears beginning to well. She wondered if she’d be able to afford to stay in her little home if Josh neglected to send her money. She did her best to blink back the tears. It was the bloody champagne. She never could hold her wine. Too late to turn back now. She took another mouthful in the hope of obliterating the hot mess of emotion building inside her and it would have worked too, if she hadn’t noticed the stricken look on Ellie’s face.

  ‘Goodness, Kat, what’s wrong?’ she asked, and with that the floodgates opened.

  Jewels put her drink down and came to sit on the couch beside her. She put her soft arm around Kat’s shoulders. ‘What’s the matter, Kat? You can tell us.’

  ‘I don’t think Josh is coming back,’ she said, wiping her tears away with the palms of her hands. ‘I think it’s over between us.’

  Mezz fished in her cardigan pocket and pulled out a wad of tissues, which she offered to Kat. ‘They’re clean,’ she said.

  Kat tried to smile, but fresh tears formed as Jewels asked, ‘What makes you think that?’

  She wiped her eyes with one of Mezz’s tissues, blew her nose and took a moment to compose herself before speaking again. ‘I didn’t tell you the whole truth in my posts,’ she said. Her eyes were still blurred with tears but not enough for her to miss the look that passed between Mezz and Jewels. ‘I’m probably just being silly,’ she said quickly. ‘We’re supposed to be having fun, not sitting around crying. Sorry. I really shouldn’t drink champagne. It can make me overly emotional. Let’s talk about something else.’

  Jewels gave her shoulders a squeeze. ‘We’re your friends, Kat. You can talk to us about whatever you want. This weekend is about really getting to know each other. We don’t have to spend every second laughing hysterically.’

  Kat nodded but didn’t speak. Part of her wanted to open up and tell the others the whole sordid story, but another part of her was ashamed. If she told them the whole truth then they’d know how truly pathetic she really was.

  Ellie stood up. ‘I know. Why don’t I make us all a nice cup of tea?’

  ‘Stuff the tea,’ said Jewels. ‘If we’re going to get all deep and meaningful I want a good strong espresso, preferably with a Baileys chaser.’

  Mezz grinned. ‘That sounds pretty good to me.’

  If Kat had any more alcohol she might completely fall apart. Or throw up. Clearly she wasn’t as seasoned as the others when it came to drinking. ‘I think I’d be
tter stick to tea,’ she said. ‘I haven’t been much of a drinker since Ami was born. I don’t want to end up with a hangover.’

  Ellie nodded. ‘I’ve had enough too. I’ll join you in a tea. Jewels, you might need to show me how to fly that whizz-bang coffee machine of yours.’

  Jewels got up off the couch. ‘No worries.’

  After all the beverages were sorted they reconvened in the lounge. Jewels sat next to Kat on the couch, while Ellie and Mezz turned their armchairs so they were facing her.

  ‘Now,’ said Jewels. ‘We’re all ears. You tell us what’s going on, Kat.’

  Kat took a sip of tea and tried to order her thoughts. Was telling the others exactly what happened a betrayal of Josh? Her mother had always taught her that what goes on in a marriage is private. Sacred, even, certainly not to be discussed with others. But Kat wasn’t actually married to Josh. She’d never taken any vows.

  She felt like a ball of cement had set in her stomach and it wasn’t just from the large meal they’d eaten. She’d been carrying around this growing fear ever since Josh left. It would be good to talk about it openly. Maybe the others would have a different take on what was going on. ‘Okay,’ she started, ‘so you all know that Josh lost his job and he decided to take a job in WA because he thought that was the best way for us to save money for our house?’

  Mezz, Ellie and Jewels nodded in unison.

  ‘Well, that was how he sold it to me when he first mentioned it, but even before he left I was beginning to have my doubts about his real reasons for choosing to go so far away.’

  Mezz’s brow creased in concern. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Once I realised he’d made up his mind to go, I decided there was no reason for Ami and me to stay in Emerald River. I mean, there’s nothing to tie us to that town. Sure, there’s my job, but it’s not like I couldn’t get another job. And anyway, Josh is supposedly going to make heaps more money so we could probably afford for me to be out of work for a little while. It’s not like we have family nearby, or Ami’s already started school or made friends. Hell, I don’t even have any friends other than Mrs P.’