by Lisa Ireland
She didn’t know how she would fix this, but she knew there had to be a way. As she swiped her iPad into life, she finally gave in to her emotions and began to cry.
FAT CHAT | Monday Nov. 9 2015 | Jewels
I am so angry and upset right now I can barely type. I’m just back from a visit to the fertility specialist. I was so hopeful that I’d get some good news today. I thought he might talk about the plan going forward, or even start me on some fertility drugs. (One of my regular customers is a patient of his and she fell pregnant after he started her on some sort of drug.) But no. Apparently I’m too fat for any sort of treatment. I’m too fat to even have the scary tests. He made me feel like a complete failure. Like I didn’t deserve to be a mother. And he basically said that if I got pregnant at the weight I am it would be dangerous.
I feel like eating a whole tub of ice cream, but don’t worry I won’t. I’m going to prove that bastard wrong. I will lose weight if it kills me. I’ve been sitting here thinking about what I could do to lose weight quickly. Mezz, you’re probably wondering why I’m not thinking about surgery like you are, but I just can’t imagine not being able to eat properly. There must be another way. Surely I’m not destined to be fat and childless forever?
Jewels ☺
FAT CHAT | Monday Nov. 9 2015 | Mezz
Oh Jewels, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Maybe this doctor is not the right fit for you? He sounds very unsympathetic. He is right to warn you about some potential complications of pregnancy for overweight women, but there was no need for him to scare you or make you feel guilty. The vast majority of overweight pregnant women have perfectly normal pregnancies and deliver healthy babies. Bigger patients need careful monitoring and must follow their medical team’s orders, which of course you would do. I can ask around and see if I can find another specialist who might be a better fit for you if you like?
And I totally understand that surgery is not the way for everyone. It’s a huge decision to make, and even I’m not sure whether it will be the right one for me.
I hope you are feeling a bit better now.
Mezz
FAT CHAT | Monday Nov. 9 2015 | Jewels
Oh Mezz, thanks so much. You’ve made me feel better. I would like the name of another specialist if that’s not too much trouble. I know it would probably be best if I did lose at least a little weight, which is why I am going to see the dietitian the specialist recommended. Who knows, maybe this one will be different to the other ones I’ve seen? Maybe she’ll have a solution.
Love and hugs,
Jewels xox
Chapter Fifteen
FAT CHAT | Tuesday Nov. 17 2015 | Jewels
Oh. My. God!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ellie! I’ve just opened the box you sent me and I cannot believe my eyes!
Girls, Ellie has sent me the most beautiful made-to-measure dress I’ve ever seen. It’s a gorgeous nineteen fifties number with sweet little capped sleeves, a nipped-in waist and huge swirly skirt. It’s made from a pink and black floral material, which matches the colour scheme of my shop perfectly. It’s just the thing to wear to the photo shoot on Thursday! I can’t believe how perfect it is! Thanks so much, Ellie. That doctor upset me terribly and I’ve been in a bit of funk ever since but your beautiful gift has cheered me up immensely.
Thanks so much to you all for your lovely texts to check on me this week. You girls really are the best!
I’m off to admire myself in the mirror for a bit longer! I’ll get Matt to take some photos later on and post those so Kat and Mezz can see what I’m talking about!
Love to you all,
Jewels xox
FAT CHAT | Friday Nov. 20 2015 | Ellie
Hi everyone,
Sitting here on my own with a glass of wine feeling sorry for myself because Jenn’s just phoned to say she’ll be another hour (which means at least two hours) so I thought I’d have Friday night drinks with my favourite people – the three of you! Hope at least one of you is about or I’m going to feel like a real Nigel No-Friends . . .
Jewels, thanks for posting the photo of you in the dress. It looked every bit as fabulous on you as I imagined it would. And there’s no need to keep thanking me. It was a pleasure making it for you. I’m so glad it brightened you up after your visit to Dr Nasty. Honestly I think you should listen to Dr Mezz and not worry about his horrible advice. By the way, how did the photo shoot go? I’m dying to hear all about it. I was expecting you to write a big post about it last night.
Mezz, how are you? Things any better on the home front? Perhaps Sean needs time to get used to the surgery idea. I wonder if he is simply afraid of losing you? I’ve been doing some research of my own and it is a major surgery and, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it feels risky to me. You’re perfectly healthy now. What if something goes wrong? Maybe this is what’s worrying him.
Kat, how’s the rest of your week been?
Well, cheers to you all my friends. If any of you are about and want to participate in a virtual drinking session, I’m up for it!
Cheers,
E x
FAT CHAT | Friday Nov. 20 2015 | Kat
Hi Ellie, hi everyone.
I’ll have a drink with you, Ellie, although I’m going to make mine a non-alcoholic one. I’m not really drinking at the moment. For one thing I’m not really comfortable drinking too much when I’m the only one here to look after Ami, but also I’m trying to be careful about what I eat and drink. I’m not following the WON program anymore, but I did do a cook-up a couple of weeks back and stocked my freezer. I’m finding it easy just to grab one of those meals and reheat it when I get home from work. By the time I pick up Ami from her family day care lady, I usually don’t get back here until after six thirty. I’m often too tired to cook something from scratch and I’m finding I’m not really that hungry these days anyway. Maybe my stomach has shrunk from all the months doing WON? Anyway, if I didn’t have something easy on stand-by I probably wouldn’t bother to eat dinner at all. Rosie, the day care lady, gives Ami her dinner so I don’t have to worry about cooking anything for her. But I can hear Dr Mezz telling me I need to look after myself, so I make sure I have something nutritious each night.
I haven’t had much luck finding extra work. It’s hard because of my hours at the childcare centre. I work five days now, but I don’t start until after lunch. It’s hard to find another job to fit in with that, and to be honest I do love having that time at home with Ami each day. Anyway, this morning I walked down to the supermarket to see if there was anything going there or if there were any local jobs advertised on their noticeboard. Didn’t have any luck, but there were people handing out flyers about this new gym thing that’s recently started up, operating out of the surf club. It’s something called Life Fit and from what I can gather it’s all about cross training. The girl was super enthusiastic about it and she wasn’t one of those Lycra-clad ‘ponytails’ as you call them, Mezz. She wasn’t a tiny little thing, but she looked fit. She told me she’d lost twenty kilos over the past year, just from healthy eating and doing this Life Fit thing. It seemed pretty good, but of course I had to tell her that I can’t afford to join a gym right now. Guess what? She said they were offering ten people a six-week free trial. No obligation and, this is the best bit, I can go any time of the day, so I could just drop Ami off a little earlier at day care or she said I can bring Ami with me. Not sure how that works but you know what? I’m going to give it a go! I’m a bit nervous I’ll be the biggest person there but Tia, the girl who gave me the flyer, said no one cares a bit about that sort of thing. And if I like it and decide to keep going it’s really not that expensive. Certainly not as pricey as the WON program, so I figure if I budget carefully I can afford it.
By the way, I’ve lost another two kilos! I’m sure it’s just a combination of stress and not having time to eat as much, but I don’t really care
. At least it’s coming off.
Hope all’s well with all of you. Jewels, don’t forget to tell us all about the photo shoot!
Kat x
FAT CHAT | Friday Nov. 20 2015 | Jewels
I’m sorry I haven’t posted about the photo shoot. I’ll tell you why in a minute.
Kat, how wonderful that you’re losing weight. The Life Fit thing sounds fantastic (well, for you. I personally can’t think of anything worse than getting sweaty with strangers. Wait, let me rephrase that . . . )
Ellie, is that girlfriend of yours ever home? I’m thinking you might need to tie her up next time you see her. (Again with the sexual innuendo. I don’t know what’s got into me tonight.)
Mezz, I’m with Ellie on this one. I’m quite worried about you and this surgery. Are you sure it’s what you want to do? It doesn’t sound as if Sean is on board. How will you get through it if he won’t support you? Maybe there’s another way? I’m going to see the dietitian who specialises in weight loss for pregnancy soon. I’ll let you know what I find out.
Now, to the photo shoot. I’m afraid to say it was nowhere near as much fun as I thought it would be. The photographer hardly took any photos of me (even though I was looking fabulous in my new dress!). He took heaps of photos of the shop and the cakes, though, which I guess is the main thing. Oh, and Sofia. He took photos of Sofia, even though we explained she doesn’t really do much in the shop except take care of the books. He said their readers would like the ‘family angle’. Whatever! As long as we get some more business out of this, who cares?
Ellie, I have a glass of bubbly in hand and am drinking along with you. I’ll probably have to give this stuff up once I start with the dietitian chick so I’m living it up now!
Cheers!
Jewels xox
Early Saturday morning Kat put on a pair of cropped leggings and a big baggy t-shirt. She fed Ami a quick breakfast, popped her in the stroller and headed out the door. She was worried that if she didn’t take up this gym offer immediately she’d chicken out.
Despite the early hour the surf club was a hive of activity. The gym area was really just an undercover space, or garage area. It was walled on three sides with a big roller door on the front. At the moment the roller door was open and the space looked out onto the waterfront.
Kat stood on the grass in front of the club watching for a moment. It wasn’t like any other gym she’d seen. First of all, people were dressed normally in shorts and t-shirts or leggings and singlets, with no ‘outfits’ to be seen. She wouldn’t look too out of place in her daggy old t-shirt. There wasn’t a lot of traditional gym equipment either. There were ropes strung from the ceiling, old car tyres on the ground along with big wooden boxes. The only regular gym equipment she could see was a set of weights. A young, buff looking guy approached her. ‘Hey,’ he said. ‘I’m Ben. Can I help you?’
Kat could feel herself blushing. Ben was seriously good looking. One of those people whose beauty puts them in a class of their own. One of those people Kat was always invisible to. She looked at her feet. ‘Er, I’m looking for Tia.’
‘Tia’s not here yet. Were you looking to work out?’
‘Um, I don’t know. I just . . .’
‘Are you new? Tia said she had quite a few newbies coming in today. I’m one of the other instructors. I can get you started.’ Ben looked down at Ami. ‘And I have just the spot for you, young lady.’ He pointed to a closed-off children’s playground. ‘There’s a toddler play area if your daughter wants to have a play while you’re working out. It’s not supervised as such, although someone is always keeping an eye out. But you’ll be able to see her the whole time you’re exercising and she can see you. We have an unofficial roster of parents who take turns to watch the kids, so if your daughter comes regularly you’ll get put on the roster. Most kids love it. But it’s not an official childcare facility. If you’re okay with leaving her there you just need to sign a waiver to say you know the playground is unsupervised.’
Before she could argue Ben had produced a clipboard with the waiver and she found herself signing it.
‘What’s your little girl’s name?’ he asked.
‘Amira,’ she said, ‘but I call her Ami for short.’
He smiled. ‘I’ll let you get Ami settled in the playground. Once she’s happy come find me and we’ll get started.’
Five minutes later, Kat found her gaze fixated on Ben’s biceps as he demonstrated the correct lifting technique to hoist a broomstick over her head. She was supposed to be watching, so it was guilt-free ogling.
‘Okay, your turn,’ he said.
She looked at the broomstick. ‘Shouldn’t there be weights on the ends of this thing?’
He grinned. ‘Don’t worry, the weights will come, and then you’ll be begging me to go back to this stage. Right now we’re focusing on technique. I want to make sure you know exactly how to perform each movement because eventually you’re going to want to come in here, look up at the DW on the whiteboard, and just get started.’
‘DW?’
‘Sorry. Daily Workout. The whole idea of this group is that you can work out at any time you like once you know how to perform the exercises. Of course we run classes too, which you’re welcome to join, but sometimes it’s hard for people to get here at the right time for a class. With DW you can train whenever it suits you.’
‘Okay. Tia did mention something about that. Sounds good to me.’ She squatted down and picked up the broomstick just like he’d shown her and then moved back to a standing position. Ben put his hand on the small of her back to check her form and her pulse rocketed in response. Which was ridiculous. The man looked to be about ten years younger than her. Being attracted to him wasn’t an option. She was just sex-starved and lonely, so her stupid body was interpreting any male touch as a come-on.
‘Good,’ he said. ‘Make sure you are not using your back muscles to lift. He removed his hand from her back and placed both hands on his thighs. ‘This is where the power comes from. You lift with these.’
Kat nodded. A brief image of him lifting her into a compromising position flashed though her head. Thank goodness he couldn’t read her thoughts. Oh well, surely it wouldn’t hurt to fantasise about fooling around with her gym instructor. At least it would make her workouts more interesting.
‘You look like you’re enjoying that.’ Ben grinned. ‘Maybe I’m not working you hard enough.’ His eyes held her gaze for a moment longer than was comfortable.
Kat started to panic. Maybe he could read her mind after all.
Ami’s sudden cry banished all lustful thoughts. ‘Mama! Mama!’ she wailed.
Kat swung around with her heart in her mouth, expecting to see some type of catastrophe. She dropped the broomstick at Ben’s feet and raced to the playground, only to see Ami and another toddler engaged in a tug-of-war over a stuffed toy. ‘Hey, bubba, it’s nice to share,’ she said, extracting the toy from Ami’s grip and handing it to the redheaded boy to whom it clearly belonged.
A tiny, muscular woman dressed in shorts and a sloppy t-shirt approached the playground and smiled at Kat. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It’s my turn to watch the playground for ten minutes, but I was distracted by a phone call. I hope Charlie wasn’t being a pest.’
‘Not at all. If anything it was the other way around. Ami was trying to steal his teddy.’
The woman laughed. ‘No way he’s letting go of that. I’m Miranda, Charlie’s mum.’ She put out her hand to shake Kat’s.
‘I’m Kat. Nice to meet you.’
‘I haven’t seen you here before. Are you new?’
Kat nodded. ‘Just started today. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you around town. I work at the childcare centre so I know lots of the mums in town.’
‘We’ve only been in the area about a year. We’re on a farm about ten clicks out of town. I’m home all day so
Charlie’s not in childcare and I don’t come into town much, except to do the grocery shopping and to work out. I started a couple of months ago. Thought it would do me good to mix with a few locals.’
Kat became aware of Ben standing behind her. ‘Everything okay?’ he asked.
‘Sorry. I was just sorting out Ami.’
‘And then I hijacked her.’ Miranda socked Ben playfully in the arm. ‘Don’t be too hard on her, coach.’
Ben looked at Kat, a serious expression on his face. ‘Don’t get hooked up with this one,’ he said, pointing at Miranda. ‘She’s trouble.’ Miranda pushed him lightly and he laughed. ‘Stop corrupting my newbies, would you? Come on, Kat. We’re not done yet.’
Later that afternoon, when she’d fed Ami and put her down for a sleep, Kat got out the timetable Ben had thrust in her hand when she was leaving. She smoothed out the folds and studied it, noting all the times Ben took classes or was the supervising coach.
It was stupid, of course, and pointless too, this sudden infatuation. Where on earth could it go? Because even if she was ready for another relationship right now (which she most definitely was not) or even just some casual sex (okay, maybe she was up for that) she’d have to be a fool to think that a young man as beautiful as Ben would bother to look twice at someone like her.
Once upon a time maybe. Kat indulged her feeling of nostalgia by retrieving a crumpled photo of herself from her purse. It was one of the few images she had left from her youth, taken at a party when she was seventeen. Big brown eyes framed with long black lashes stared out from a heart shaped face. Her hair was long then, falling in dark waves down to her waist. Yes, she’d been beautiful once. But she’d never been popular with the opposite sex. The first couple of years at high school, she’d still been coming to grips with the finer points of English. She practised so hard, using episodes of Home and Away and Neighbours to perfect her pronunciation. She recorded the episodes and played them back over and over, mouthing the dialogue to herself. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t lose her accent completely, not in the beginning. To the boys she desired – the blond, tanned, popular boys – she was just another wog girl. And the Bosnian boys didn’t want a bar of her either. In the beginning they saw her as a sister, not someone to mess around with. Her uncle and her cousins took care of that. And later, after she’d rebelled against everything her family stood for, they saw her as a whore, someone they might deign to fuck every now and then, but not a girlfriend. Not someone you took out on a date, or bought a ring for.