by Lisa Ireland
‘One that I welcome. It’s a privilege to be able to do something for someone I care so much about. And I’ve got to say, Jewels, I’m a bit surprised at how little you are prepared to do to help out. Frankly I expected more.’
Heat crawled up Jewels’ neck and into her cheeks. ‘It’s not because I don’t care.’
Ellie’s gaze was steely. ‘Forgive me but I’m finding that hard to believe.’
Jewels shook her head. ‘I do care, it’s just . . .’
‘What? What excuse could you possibly have for this sort of behaviour?’
‘I’ve done this before,’ Jewels blurted out. ‘Sat by and watched while my best friend died. In the end she hated me for being the one left, for having all the things she never would. I don’t want to lose Kat. I don’t want her to hate me.’
Ellie’s face softened. ‘I didn’t know that you’d lost someone close.’
Jewels fought hard for composure. ‘I don’t like to talk about it.’
‘I understand. But Jewels, whatever happened before, this is different. Kat has no one else but us. She needs us and so does Ami. Mezz and I will do the best we can, but we need you too.’
Tears dribbled down Jewels’ cheeks again. There was no way she could protect herself from being hurt. She was already in way too deep. These women were like family to her and whether she saw Kat or not, there would be no shielding herself from the pain of losing her. Maybe in the end Kat’s eyes would reveal her anger at being the one chosen, just like Josie’s had all those years before. Maybe she would resent the rest of them for continuing to exist when she could not. And that would hurt. But if she failed Kat now, she’d have to live with that decision for the rest of her life and, worse than that, she’d lose Mezz and Ellie too. ‘Oh, Ellie, I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t want to face it. I’m not good at this sort of thing.’
Ellie reached over and took her hand. ‘You don’t have to be good at anything. You just have to be there. This is one of those times when turning up is the most important thing. Can we count on you to do that?’
Jewels wiped away the tears with the back of her hand and nodded. ‘Absolutely you can.’
Chapter Twenty-seven
Kat didn’t feel like eating much but she ordered the cheesecake anyway. This was a celebration and it called for something more decadent than just a coffee. After what felt like the longest week of her life she was out of the hospital. It was a crisp, sunny autumn day and she was sitting at a table overlooking a beautiful park, surrounded by her three best friends. Her gorgeous daughter was playing quietly and happily with some new toy Jewels had bought her. And right now, in this moment, she was happy.
Ellie looked at her. ‘Are you warm enough, Kat?’
‘Yes.’ She smiled. ‘I’m perfectly fine. I feel the best I have in ages, in fact.’
‘What time’s your flight, Ellie?’ Jewels asked.
‘Not until two. I’ve got ages before I need to leave.’ Ellie turned to face Mezz. ‘Are you sure you’re happy to drop me at the airport on your way home?’
‘Of course. It’s practically on the way.’
Over the past few days Project Kat had swung into action. After a day or so of protesting that she could look after herself, Kat realised that if she didn’t accept some help Ami would be the one who suffered. Part of her wanted to return to Emerald River even if it was only for a brief visit. But right now the logistics of that idea were difficult. She was still weak from the surgery and she would be a hindrance to Ellie, who was on a mission to retrieve the cat from Mrs P and pack up the unit on her behalf.
Writing a letter explaining her diagnosis to Mrs P, who really had been more of a mother to her in many ways than her real mum, was one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. But she wasn’t up to a phone conversation with her just yet. She’d call when she had her head around things a bit more. In the meantime she’d made poor Ellie promise she’d check on Mrs P after she’d delivered the letter. Ellie had assured her she’d make sure her lovely friend and neighbour didn’t have to bear the news alone.
The only other person she needed to contact personally was Miranda. She’d asked Ben to deliver the news to her, and told him to suggest that Miranda not call her just yet. Kat would make contact when she was up it.
Ben, bless him, had been a godsend. He’d offered to help by organising a removalist and storage container for all her furniture if she did decide she was going to move out of her unit for good. For now that was too big a decision to make. The lease was due for renewal in two months’ time anyway. She’d think about it then. The conversation with Ben had been heartbreaking. It had taken hours for her to convince him not to rush down to Melbourne. She’d told him she wasn’t strong enough to see him yet, and that was true. If he walked through the door and put his arms around her she might forget her resolve not to involve him in this. And she didn’t want that. She was responsible for enough sorrow already. And if she was being totally honest with herself, her reasons for keeping Ben at arm’s length weren’t entirely altruistic. Having one more person around whose feelings she needed to consider might just be too much for her to bear.
So for now, she and Ami would go to Jewels’ and Matt’s place and stay in the spare room. Mezz would go back to her family for a while and Ellie would take care of business in Emerald River. Of all of them Jewels had put on the bravest face. Her eyes didn’t mist over when they talked and she didn’t ask Kat how she was feeling or if there was anything she needed. Instead she’d arrived at the hospital with a full season of The Real Housewives of Melbourne downloaded onto her laptop. The two of them had watched episode after episode together while eating a huge box of chocolates. Jewels said the chocolates were medicinal so they didn’t count, but perhaps it might be best if they didn’t tell the others about them. Kat laughed in agreement. It was a relief not to think about the cancer, if only for a few hours.
‘Do you have your follow-up appointment sorted with the oncologist, Kat?’ Mezz’s question brought her right back to her cancer reality.
‘Yeah, I’m all sorted, Mezz, don’t worry.’
‘You’ve got the list of questions I compiled?’
Kat smiled. ‘I have.’
‘Because I’m really happy to come back down to go to your appointment with –’
Kat held up her hand. ‘Just stop, Mezz. Honestly, I’m all right. I appreciate the offer, but I need to deal with this myself, my own way. Okay? Now, it’s a beautiful day. I’m not in hospital. I’m here with my daughter and my three best friends in the world. Can we please just enjoy ourselves and find something else to focus on other than cancer?’ As she finished her sentence the waitress arrived with her cheesecake. It was an enormous piece adorned with strawberries and lashings of cream.
Ellie nodded her agreement. ‘I’d say the cheesecake would be a good place to start.’
Mezz’s gaze settled on the plate being placed in front of Ellie. ‘Your chocolate cake doesn’t look too bad either.’
‘Want some? What about you, Jewels? This is a celebration. You two can’t sit there just with coffee.’ Ellie looked at the waitress. ‘Could you bring two more spoons, please?’
Mezz and Jewels both shook their heads. Mezz smiled at the waitress. ‘Please don’t bother. We’re fine.’
As the waitress walked away, Ellie ate a spoonful and then gave an exaggerated groan. ‘God, this is so good. You guys don’t know what you’re missing out on.’
Jewels rolled her eyes. ‘A whole lot of fat and unnecessary carbs. No thanks.’
Ellie shrugged. ‘Everything in moderation.’
Mezz shook her head. ‘I’d love to be able to eat cake but if I do I can’t fit any good food in my stomach, so it’s not a simple case of moderation for me.’
Kat could feel the tension between them rising. There was no way she was having her first day out of
hospital spoiled by friction over who was eating what. ‘Stop it,’ she said. ‘All of you. I didn’t think I would have to do this so early on, but . . .’ she paused to grin, ‘I’m pulling out the cancer card. I don’t know how long I’ve got left on this earth, but I do know I sure as shit don’t want to spend what time I have left listening to you lot talk about diets. I just want us to talk normally, about real things. Like we always have on the blog.’
Jewels and Mezz had the good grace to look shamefaced. Ellie went on eating her cake.
Kat continued, ‘Surely we have enough love and respect for each other to accept that everyone’s body is their own business, and there’s no need for any of us to comment about each other’s food choices.’
Mezz nodded. ‘Of course you’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just, if I’m honest, I still feel a bit defensive about my decision to have the gastric sleeve. And sometimes, like right now, I just want to eat a really big bit of cake.’
They all laughed, including Ami.
Jewels put down her coffee. ‘But you look amazing, Mezz. To be honest, I’m jealous.’
Mezz smiled. ‘Some days I feel amazing. I certainly have more energy than I used to. I’m fitter than I’ve been in years.’
‘So you don’t regret having the surgery, then?’ Ellie asked.
Mezz shook her head. ‘No. Look, I’m not saying I don’t have my moments. I do miss being able to have a glass of wine with a meal, that sort of thing.’
‘You can’t do that?’ Jewels asked in surprise.
‘You’re not supposed to. My surgeon’s advice is to leave half an hour either side of a meal without drinking.’
Kat was fascinated by this information. ‘Why?’
‘Because if you drink before meals you might be too full to fit in a proper nutritious meal. And if you drink too soon after a meal it makes the stomach empty too quickly, so you get hungry again and eat more, which kind of defeats the purpose of the sleeve.’
‘Do you ever forget?’ Ellie asked.
‘Occasionally. And very occasionally I decide to do it anyway, but it usually makes me feel sick.’
Jewels screwed up her nose. ‘You poor thing. That must be awful.’
Mezz shook her head. ‘It’s a small price to pay when you consider the benefits. I’m not tired all the time and my blood pressure is back to normal. I’m shopping in regular stores now instead of ordering from specialty plus-size retailers online. I can’t tell you how great that feels.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Of course now I’m a healthier weight I’m beginning to realise that being fat wasn’t the cause of all my problems.’
Ellie raised an eyebrow. ‘What do you mean?’
Mezz shrugged. ‘My family life is still out of control, in fact it’s worse than ever now that Sean and I are separated. Max has regressed. He barely speaks to me. Liam’s been in trouble at school, and Archie’s started wetting the bed again.’
Ellie reached across and squeezed Mezz’s hand. ‘Oh Mezz, sounds like you’ve been going through a lot.’
Mezz’s eyes became glassy with tears. ‘The main reason I wanted to lose weight was so Sean would find me attractive and so I could be a better mum. Now that I’m almost back in the healthy weight range, Sean won’t look me in the eye and the only time he speaks to me is to discuss all the problems our kids are having. Oh, and to ask for a divorce. He managed to speak to me long enough to tell me he’s made the decision to permanently end our relationship.’
‘Jesus, Mezz, why didn’t you tell us?’ Jewels asked.
‘I didn’t think . . . well, with everything else that’s been going on, it just didn’t seem important.’
Kat started to shake her head. ‘Oh no you don’t. You don’t get to play the cancer card. That’s my domain, okay? I want you to all promise me that you’re not going to start treating me like a sick person, and deciding that none of your problems are worth talking about because of what’s going on with me. I don’t want things to change between us. Okay?’
They all nodded, but Kat wasn’t satisfied. ‘Swear to me,’ she said.
Mezz wiped her eyes and looked directly at Kat. ‘I swear.’
Jewels and Ellie followed suit.
Ami banged her hand on the table. ‘I sare,’ she said triumphantly, and they all laughed.
Mezz grinned. ‘Looks like that’s settled.’
Ellie gently laid a hand on Mezz’s shoulder. ‘So tell us what’s going on, Mezz. What did Sean say?’
Kat sat back in her chair, enjoying the warmth of the sun on the back of her head. She was content just to listen as Mezz relayed her story and Ellie and Jewels interjected with their outrage and suggestions. Finally when Mezz was done Kat leaned forward again. ‘Do you still love him, Mezz, after all that has happened?’
Mezz looked at her with eyes full of regret. ‘With all of my heart.’
‘I’d start by telling him that.’
‘But –’
‘Life’s short, Mezz. I know that’s a cliché, but take it from me, it’s true. Don’t waste any more time dancing around the issue. Tell him how you feel and beg for a chance to work it out if you have to.’
★
Mezz didn’t arrive home until after seven. After dropping Ellie at the airport she’d ended up in a huge Melbourne traffic jam that had added over an hour to her journey. She dropped her suitcase inside her granny flat and headed up to the main house to see the boys.
She found Sean in the kitchen stacking the dishwasher, but there was no sign of the boys. ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘I’m back.’
Sean turned and smiled. ‘Oh, hey yourself.’
‘Where are the boys? I was hoping to catch up with them for a bit, if that’s okay?’
‘Of course. Max is in his room. Liam’s in the shower, and Arch is reading his reader to Stella.’
Mezz laughed. ‘To Stella? Seriously?’
Sean looked sheepish. ‘I have to confess I’m not always up for reading time. Stella seems to have more patience than I do.’
‘Fair enough. I’ll just pop back and see how it’s all going.’
‘I saved you some shepherd’s pie. Would you like me to reheat it?’
‘Really? Wow, that was nice of you.’
He shrugged. ‘I know how much you like it, and I figured you probably wouldn’t bother to stop to get anything decent to eat.’
She tried to stamp down the feeling of optimism coursing through her body. He was just being thoughtful. It didn’t mean anything. ‘You’re right, I didn’t. And I’d love some if it’s no trouble.’
‘No worries. I was just about to open a red. Do you want a glass?’
She nodded, despite knowing that if she drank the red it’d be a while before her stomach could tolerate the pie. ‘You know what? That’d be really good. Leave the pie for a bit. I’ll have a drink with you first. But before that I think I’ll go say hi to the boys.’
A look of surprise registered on Sean’s face. Obviously he hadn’t expected her to say yes. She wasn’t sure if he was pleased about her choice or not, but he nodded and said, ‘I’ll open the wine and let it breathe for a bit while you check in with the boys.’
Archie and Stella were pleased to see her, Stella almost knocking her over in her quest to be given a cuddle. Archie laughed as Stella planted a large slobbery kiss on Mezz’s cheek, her tail wagging furiously as Mezz squealed and batted her away.
‘You were gone for ages, Mum. Stella missed you a lot.’
‘Did she, mate? How do you know that? Did she tell you?’
‘Mum, she’s a dog. She can’t talk. You should know that.’
‘Oh. Well, what about you, Arch? Did you miss me?’
He shrugged. ‘A little bit. We had the special show-and-tell day at school and you weren’t there.’
The familiar weight of mother guilt set
tled like a stone in Mezz’s stomach. ‘I’m sorry about that, mate. But you know I had to go to Melbourne to see my friend who is really sick, don’t you? I wouldn’t miss something like that for no good reason.’
‘Yeah, I know. I was just sad because you hardly ever come to that stuff and Dylan’s mum comes every single time.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’ What else could she say? She’d long ago stopped promising she’d be there for the next big event because usually it was a promise she’d end up breaking. ‘Dad said you were reading your book to Stella. Can I listen too?’
Archie grinned. ‘Sure. You sit down on the bean bag with Stella and I’ll stand up and show you the pictures, okay?’
‘Sounds like a plan.’
The reunion with Liam wasn’t quite so warm. He barely looked up from his video game when she ruffled his freshly washed hair. When she enquired what he was up to he snapped, ‘It’s my screen time. I already had my shower. I’m allowed. You can ask Dad.’
‘I’m sure it is. I was just popping in to tell you I’m home and to see if you wanted to have a chat.’
‘About what?’
‘Nothing specific, mate. I was just wondering how you are going. Is there anything you want to talk to me about?’
‘I’m fine, Mum. I just want to finish my game.’
Mezz sighed inwardly. His eyes hadn’t left the screen once since she’d opened the bedroom door. She and Sean needed to talk about setting some new screen time boundaries. But not tonight. She didn’t have it in her.
The conversation with Liam was positively welcoming compared to the reaction she got from Max when she opened his bedroom door. He screamed at her to get out and told her to stop invading his privacy.
In shock she did as he ordered and then wondered if he was watching porn on his computer. He was only fourteen. Okay, almost fifteen, but he wasn’t into that sort of thing. Was he? He hadn’t shown any interest in girls, or boys for that matter. In general Max hated to be touched. In fact he disliked other people in general. But maybe he saw sex as an exception. Oh god. The thought of Max being sexually active made her shudder. Dealing with his emotions and behavioural issues was hard enough. She wasn’t sure how they would negotiate this next stage of life. Another thing to put on the list for discussion.