by Lisa Ireland
‘So what now, Mezz? What are we going to do? I mean, she’s in hospital right now, but what happens when she comes out? What about chemo? If she has that she’ll get really sick won’t she? She’s not going to be able to look after herself. And Ami, oh god. Poor little mite. What’s going to become of her?’
‘I guess Josh will take her. He’s her father.’
‘Swine. He can’t even be bothered to ring to ask how Ami is and now he’s going to get custody? Doesn’t seem right.’
Mezz shrugged again. ‘Like I said, he’s her dad. And that’s really up to Kat to decide, we have more immediate problems.’
‘Like what?’
‘We need to work out some options for when Kat gets out of hospital. This is so serious I really think she would get better care if she stayed here in Melbourne. Her local hospital isn’t equipped to deal with her treatment. She’ll have to travel to a bigger centre like Grafton, which will be hard with Ami. She’s going to need a big support network to help her with things like driving to appointments, helping out with cleaning and childcare, that sort of thing.’
Ellie exhaled slowly as she contemplated the idea. ‘Do you really think she’d be better off here?’
Mezz nodded. ‘The Royal Women’s has state of the art facilities and some of the top doctors and researchers in the field. She’ll have a better chance of being included in any clinical trials they run and getting access to new and experimental treatments if she’s here. Plus I know Gina, the head of gynaecological oncology. Obviously she has to follow protocol but, still, I don’t think it can hurt to have the head of the department on our side.’
‘But Kat might feel better in her own home, amongst her own things.’
‘Yeah, maybe. But we’re her family now, Ellie. You, me, and Jewels. We’re the people who care most about her in the world. I think she should be close to us. I’m assuming you’ll stay on here too?’
Ellie nodded. ‘Of course. I’ll do whatever needs to be done. It’s not like I have any place else I have to be. But there are other people who might like to help out. Ben, for instance.’
‘Yeah, you met him, didn’t you? What’s he like?’
‘He’s really lovely. I think he truly cares about Kat. They’re really great together. Maybe she’ll want to spend some time with him before . . .’ Ellie couldn’t bring herself to utter the final words of the sentence.
‘Maybe. Look, I’m not suggesting we make this decision for Kat. I do think we should come up with some options for her, though. It’s pointless saying, “You should stay down here” if we haven’t got any idea of how that can happen. I know this is a lot of pressure, Ellie, because I can’t stay indefinitely. I can come on weekends of course, but I have my kids to think about.’ Mezz’s voice began to waver.
‘Of course you do.’ Ellie got up and went over and sat on the bed next to Mezz, propping herself up on the soft hotel pillows. She reached out and took Mezz’s hand. ‘You’ve done an amazing job of helping Kat through this first little bit. Once she’s strong enough to come home I’ll be happy to take the baton. And I’m sure Jewels will help out once her sister is properly settled at home with the new baby.’
Mezz raised her eyebrows. ‘I wouldn’t be so sure about that.’
‘Why?’
‘Because of the conversation I had with her on the way down here.’
‘Yeah, you said she was busy with her sister and new niece and that she’d be in touch as soon as possible.’
‘I know what I said, but it’s only partly true. I didn’t want Kat worrying about anything other than her surgery so I kind of fudged the conversation. She did say she was busy, but she didn’t say anything about getting in touch. She said she’d send Kat flowers.’
‘What? That’s ridiculous. You must have misunderstood, Mezz.’
‘No, I don’t think so. She was very clear. In fact she seemed to think I was being melodramatic about the whole thing. I know she and Kat have been at odds over their so-called lifestyle choices,’ Mezz said in a wry tone of voice, ‘but I would have thought Jewels could put that aside when she heard the news. And where is she? We’ve been here since Wednesday. Other than a quick text to see how the surgery went on Thursday we haven’t heard from her. Well, I haven’t. Have you?’
Ellie shook her head. ‘It’s just not like her at all. Of all of us Jewels is the most caring, the most likely to drop everything to help. Or that’s what I thought. It just doesn’t make sense.’
‘I know. I was shocked too. But I think we need to consider that it might be just you and me holding the fort. I don’t know that we can count on Jewels for any practical help.’
Ellie shook her head again. ‘That’s just unacceptable and I’m not putting up with it.’
‘I don’t know that there’s anything you can do about it, Ellie. She seems to have made up her mind to stay away.’
‘Well she can tell me that to my face. Can you look after Ami for a while?’
‘Of course, but what are you going to do?’
‘I’m going to pay Jewels a visit and have it out with her.’
★
‘Hey, Jewels, there’s someone in the shop who wants to see you. Says she’s a friend of yours.’
Jewels put down the piping bag she was using, wiped her hands on her apron and looked at the young bakery assistant. ‘Oh yeah? Does this friend have a name?’
‘Ellie, she says.’
Jewels’ pulse quickened. Shit. She hadn’t counted on this. She’d ignored a couple of texts from Mezz over the past few days, imploring her to come to the hospital. The woman couldn’t take no for an answer. And now she’d sent Ellie to do her bidding. She was sorry Kat was sick, but she couldn’t do this. Not again. And she wouldn’t, no matter what Ellie had to say. ‘Thanks, Kylie.’
‘What should I tell her?’
‘Tell her I’ll be out in a minute. Can you look after things for a bit while I take my friend up the road for a coffee?’
‘Sure, boss. No worries.’
Jewels slowly took off her apron, washed her hands and prepared her speech. She was going to come across as heartless but that couldn’t be helped. She couldn’t go through another experience like the one she’d had with Josie. To this day she was haunted by the bitterness in her dying friend’s eyes. She didn’t want Kat to look at her that way. She would support Kat with money if needed, with thoughtful gifts and messages of love, but she couldn’t face seeing her.
Jewels made her way out into the shop. Ellie was standing just inside the entry, fiddling with a strand of her glossy dark hair.
‘Ellie, this is a surprise! How are you?’ she asked, opening her arms to embrace her friend.
Ellie made a show of returning the embrace, but her body was stiff and unyielding. ‘I’ve been better actually, Jewels. Things are pretty grim up at the hospital. Mezz and I could use some help.’
Jewels’ eyes scanned the shop to see who was listening. Nobody seemed to be taking any notice but still she wasn’t going to have this out here. ‘Let’s go grab a coffee, shall we? That way we can talk properly.’
Ellie gave a quick nod and Jewels opened the shop door, indicating they were heading off to the left. ‘Won’t be too long, Kylie,’ she said as she closed the door behind them.
‘My favourite little café is just up here on the left,’ she said. ‘They do awesome coffee. I was caffeine-free for a while there, but my mentor says now that I’m toxin-free a coffee a day shouldn’t hurt. I have it with almond milk because I’m trying to avoid dairy. Too many hormones and additives unless you can get hold of raw milk. You really should try it if you haven’t already,’ she babbled.
Ellie didn’t respond, but fortunately the café was only a couple of doors away so Jewels was quickly relieved from the burden of carrying on a one-sided conversation. Mark, the barista, greeted Jewels as they
entered. ‘Hey, Jewels, how are you? Usual?’
‘Yeah. Thanks, Mark.’
‘And for your friend?’
‘An English Breakfast tea,’ Ellie responded. ‘With full-cream milk, please.’
Jewels couldn’t help but wonder if Ellie was avoiding the almond milk simply because Jewels had recommended it. Well, Ellie could be as snippy as she liked, it didn’t change anything. There was no way she was going to that hospital. She picked up one of the menus on the table and waved it in Ellie’s direction. ‘The food here is quite good if you’re hungry. I’m not eating. I had my cleansing formula at lunchtime. But feel free to order if you want something.’
‘What the hell is going on, Jewels?’
Jewels feigned ignorance. ‘What do you mean? I was only trying to be polite.’
‘I didn’t come here for the coffee or the food and you know it. For goodness’ sake, let’s stop dancing around each other and have a decent conversation. Please don’t insult me by pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about.’
Ellie’s words were drenched in anger and Jewels felt herself colouring at their inference. ‘Okay. I guess you came here to talk about Kat.’
‘Yes. Or more precisely, I came to talk about why you’ve been avoiding her. Avoiding all of us, as a matter of fact.’
‘I haven’t been avoiding anyone. Surely Mezz told you about Lily, Sofia’s baby? I’ve been flat out helping her with the kids and running the shop. I simply haven’t had time to visit the hospital, that’s all.’
Ellie raised her eyebrows. ‘Too busy to send a text to your seriously ill friend to wish her well? Too busy to answer Mezz’s calls? That’s rubbish, Jewels. Tell me what’s really going on.’
‘Kat doesn’t want to see me. She and I don’t see eye to eye on a few things these days.’
‘That’s absolute bollocks. So she had a few things to say about your cleansing fad –’
‘It’s not a “cleansing fad”. It’s a healthy lifestyle system,’ Jewels interjected, annoyed at Ellie’s dismissive tone.
‘That’s hardly the point. For Christ’s sake, Jewels, weren’t you the one who said we were better than all this petty crap? Our choices shouldn’t matter, what matters is how we support each other. We’ve become like family these past few months and I can’t believe you’re pulling away when we need you the most.’
Jewels was saved from answering for a moment as Mark arrived at the table with their drinks.
‘Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?’ he asked, smiling at Ellie. Mark loved to flirt and generally Jewels encouraged him. It was a bit of harmless fun, especially as she was eighty per cent sure he was gay. But today wasn’t the day for it.
‘Mark, this is my friend Ellie,’ she said in a flat tone that she hoped would convey her disinterest in continuing the conversation.
‘Nice to meet you, Ellie. You lovely ladies enjoy your catch up and just let me know if there’s anything else you need.’
As soon as Mark was out of earshot, Ellie started up again. This time her voice was softer. ‘You know we all love you. You’ve been the glue that has kept our little group going all this time. I really thought our friendship was special. That we had an unbreakable bond.’
Jewels stirred her coffee but didn’t reply. Of course she felt the same way. How could she explain to Ellie that it was because she cared about them all so much that she couldn’t see Kat? She couldn’t bear it.
‘Kat is dying, Jewels. That’s the fact of the matter. Mezz told me that you didn’t believe her when she said it was serious. Well, I’m here to tell you that it is. The tumour on her ovary was cancerous and the cancer has spread. Mezz says that she may only have a year to live.’
Jewels’ hand flew to her mouth. She’d expected bad news, but not this. She thought there’d be more time. ‘Is it really that bad?’ she asked before she could censor herself.
‘Yes, it is. Do you really want to waste time worrying about some stupid spat over who eats what?’
Jewels bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears but it was useless. Her eyes streamed and her nose ran as she searched in her handbag for a tissue.
Ellie handed her a paper napkin, ‘Here,’ she said, ‘use this.’
It took a couple of minutes for Jewels to compose herself. ‘Sorry,’ she said, giving Ellie a weak smile. ‘It’s just such a shock. I mean, it’s Kat, for god’s sake. She’s the youngest of us all, and the fittest. It just seems impossible she could really be so sick.’
Ellie nodded. ‘Don’t apologise. It’s terrible news. I’ve cried a bit over the past few days. Not in front of her of course. In the shower, when I’m on my own. I guess I’m still trying to process it all. But really, there’s no time for any of us to be having our own crises. We need to get on with the business of helping her. I’ve come here today because time is important. Whatever is eating you, you need to get over it. Kat’s going to need a lot of love and a lot of practical assistance from now on. We need you, Jewels. We all need your help.’
Jewels’ mind flashed back to visiting Josie in the hospital all those years ago. In the beginning everyone had been full of hope. Everyone thought Josie would be sick for a while but she’d recover. Jewels brought CDs for her friend to listen to and all the gossip from school on who was dating who and so on. They talked and laughed and everything was just as it had always been. But as the months rolled on and each test showed progressively worse news, the laughter lessened. Josie greeted her with unsmiling lips and eyes full of resentment. In the end her friend was no more than a skeleton, and life outside her hospital room was no longer of interest as Josie’s sole focus became relieving the pain and sickness that dogged her night and day. Jewels’ presence brought no comfort, in fact it only served as a reminder to Josie of the life she could not have.
If Kat was dying she didn’t need Jewels standing at the end of her bed bearing witness. What would be would be and the less people Kat had to deal with the better.
‘I honestly don’t know what help I can be. I mean, I’m so busy with Sofia’s family right now. I can’t really spare the time to go to the hospital. And I doubt Kat wants us all there staring at her anyway.’
‘I’m not buying the “too busy” excuse. You made time to see me. The hospital’s only a ten-minute train ride from here. You could duck in and be home again within the hour.’
Jewels shrugged. ‘I guess, but really, Ellie, I don’t know that I’ll be any help. What if I stand there at the end of her bed blubbering like a baby? How is she going to feel then? The whole situation is hopeless. She doesn’t need me standing there, reminding her of all the life she’s never going to get to live. Nothing I can do or say will fix that. I’m sorry but I’d rather preserve the memory of what we’ve had together.’
‘For fuck’s sake, Jewels, this is about Kat not about you. No one is expecting you to fix Kat, but we are expecting you to be there for her.’
She knew Ellie was right but nothing she could say would change Jewels’ mind about going to that hospital. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t think we should be imposing ourselves on this situation.’
‘If we don’t, who will? You know very well Kat has no family left. We’re it. The three of us are the closest thing to family she has. Stop and think about it for a minute, would you? Kat might be okay right now but her condition is only going to get worse. Who do you think is going to look after her when that happens? Who’s going to ferry her to appointments? Who’s going to look after Ami?’
The tears began to well again as she thought of that beautiful little girl left motherless at such a tender age, but she bit them back. ‘I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to impose at the hospital, but I’ll certainly communicate with Kat to tell her how much she means to me. As for looking after her, I don’t expect any of us will be able to do much on that score. I mean, she lives in a differ
ent state.’
‘Well, Mezz and I have been talking about that. Mezz feels she’ll do better if she stays down here, so she can be close to the Royal Women’s. We haven’t run it by Kat yet, so it might not be what she wants, but if it is then we’ll do everything we can to make that possible. We had hoped you might help us come up with a plan.’
Jewels hadn’t seen this coming. It wasn’t a request she could easily refuse. ‘Look, if Kat decides to stay here I’d be happy to help you find her some suitable accommodation. I expect Mezz will be able to tee up the nursing or medical care she needs, but I can help with things like finding day care for Ami.’
‘The help with accommodation would be great for starters. Childcare won’t be a big issue though. I’ve decided that I’ll stay with Kat no matter whether she chooses to remain here or go back home.’
‘Really? You’re going to put your whole life on hold?’ Jewels’ cheeks began to burn with shame. Here she was carrying on like a baby about visiting Kat in hospital, while Ellie was prepared to sacrifice everything for their friend. ‘What about going back to England? What about finding a job?’
Ellie shrugged. ‘I was going to travel for a bit anyway, so I have no commitments in the immediate future. And I can afford it. I love Kat, Jewels. Just like I love you and Mezz. You’re really the first people in my life to ever see the real uncensored me. I don’t know why we bonded – maybe it was the anonymity of the internet that freed us all up to tell each other our innermost thoughts – but I’ve told you things about myself that I would never share with anyone else in the world, and I know you’ve done the same.’
Jewels nodded. It was true. Being part of this group had freed her to talk about things she’d never been able to with anyone else. ‘But moving in with Kat, becoming her carer, that’s a big commitment.’