The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  Back in the kitchen a large glass of red awaited her. She smiled at Sean gratefully as she sat down at the kitchen table opposite him and lifted her glass. ‘Cheers.’

  He returned the smile. ‘Cheers.’ There was a pause while they both took a sip and then Sean continued. ‘So how did it all go? How’s Kat?’

  Mezz gulped down the mouthful of wine she’d taken. He’d used Kat’s name. That was a first. Ever since she’d been forced to confess to him about the blog, Sean had referred to Jewels, Ellie and Kat collectively as ‘your internet friends’. Now he was being kind. She wasn’t sure whether that was a good sign or not. ‘She’s not great. It’s late stage ovarian cancer. It’s spread all through her pelvis and there are lesions on her liver and lungs.’

  ‘Fuck.’

  ‘Yep, that about sums it up.’

  ‘So she’s going to die then?’

  She let out a long sigh. ‘Yes, the cancer will most likely kill her.’

  ‘How long?’

  Mezz shrugged. ‘I’m looking into new treatments, clinical trials and the like, but so far I haven’t had any luck. Failing a miracle of some sort my best guess is that she only has about a year to live.’

  ‘Sweet Jesus. It really makes you think, doesn’t it?’

  Mezz placed her near empty glass on the table and he refilled it without needing to be asked. ‘Think what?’

  ‘I dunno. Life’s short. What would we do? You know, if it were one of us?’

  Mezz nodded. ‘I can’t help thinking about our kids. How awful it would be if they lost one of us. But at least they’d have the other one. Their lives wouldn’t change too drastically. Poor Kat. Her partner’s not around anymore. He’s got a new girlfriend and I think Kat’s worried about what will happen to her little girl if she has to go live with her dad.’

  ‘What about the rest of her family? Her mum and dad, brothers, sisters?’

  Mezz shook her head. ‘She doesn’t have anyone else. And Josh is Ami’s dad. It’s his right to have custody of her.’

  ‘So what’s he like, this bloke?’

  ‘I don’t know really, I’ve never met him, but he wasn’t a great partner to Kat. He made her feel ashamed of her body after Ami was born. When we first met she had no self-esteem at all.’

  ‘He sounds like a prick.’

  Mezz nodded. ‘That’s not the worst of it. Turns out he’d been cheating on Kat since before Ami was born. Eventually he took off with the other woman.’

  ‘You know I’ve always been faithful to you, right?’

  Mezz nodded. ‘Although sometimes I wondered why you would be.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘For a long time I wondered what you could possibly see in me, because when I was fat I hated myself. And it wasn’t just about how I looked. I’m such a failure at everything that’s important to me.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘I’m a second-rate doctor, a third-rate mother and a worse wife. I’m not good at my job anymore. My personal life is a mess and my kids are struggling in more ways than one. It’s not the life I’d hoped for, Sean.’

  ‘Maybe not, but I don’t think things are as bad as you think they are.’

  ‘I’m not happy and neither are you. The kids are miserable too. I wouldn’t call that a success.’

  ‘You’ve always been so hard on yourself. Other people don’t see you the way you see yourself. I wish I could make you understand that. Nobody’s perfect, Mezz. And most people don’t expect to be.’

  Mezz shrugged. ‘My whole life has been about perfection. It started when I was a kid trying to prove to my parents that I was as worthy as my brother. Then I guess it became a habit. You know what I was like when we first met. My self-esteem has always come from achievement. And that worked for me until we moved here. I went from being a well-respected GP in a busy clinic – you know, I used to be the doctor other doctors consulted when they had a tricky patient once upon a time – to being the know-nothing new kid in town. And after all these years that hasn’t changed. Barry has no respect for me. I’m not anyone’s preferred doctor. People come to me for “women’s business” and when they can’t get in to see Barry. And that’s never going to change no matter how hard I try. This town will never forgive me for being the city girl that stole the great Sean McGuire away from them.’

  ‘Come off it. You don’t really think that’s true, do you?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know if that’s truly the reason, but that’s what it feels like to me. You can’t see it, because you’re you. Everyone here loves you. We’ve been here for over five years now and I still don’t fit in, and I don’t think I ever will.’

  His mouth set in a hard line, and Mezz began to regret opening this whole can of worms. But if they were ever going to have a chance of getting back together she needed to be honest with him. Otherwise what hope did they have?

  Sean put his empty wine glass on the table and stared at her. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I feel like such an outsider here. Like I don’t belong and you are so at home. Everyone here loves you. In their eyes you’re still the local lad, the brainy McGuire boy, destined to take over his parents’ farm. Surely, you must know what they say about us behind our backs? He turned out to be quite a looker. What a shame he ended up with her.’ Mezz did her best to mimic the local town gossips, but Sean didn’t crack it for a smile. ‘Come on Sean, all those pretty women fawning over you at the school gate, parading their trim, taut bodies in front of you. You can’t tell me the thought never crossed your mind.’

  ‘Really, Mezz? After all this time that’s how little you think of me?’

  ‘No, I –’

  ‘Because seriously, that’s fucking insulting. I fell in love with you the first time we met. It was that stupid trivia night at uni, remember?’

  ‘Of course I remember.’

  ‘You were so smart, and so funny, but there was an intensity to you too. You really wanted to win and I loved that about you. I fell in love with you, Mezz, not your body.’

  ‘That’s easy enough to say, but if I’d been forty kilos overweight back then would you still have slept with me? Maybe I would have been just another great friend instead of being your lover.’

  ‘Honestly? I don’t know. I like to think it wouldn’t have made a difference. But the thing is I did fall in love with you then for whatever reason. And that love only grew stronger over the years. Do you think so little of me that you imagined I would stop loving you when you gained a few kilos?’

  ‘Let’s be honest here – it was more than a few kilos.’

  ‘Okay. You want me to be honest? You got fat. That’s the truth. So what? Do you think the extra flesh wiped out all the other stuff that we’d been though over the years? Three kids together and all those terrible miscarriages. The way you kept it together through all of that totally astonished me. And Max being diagnosed as on the spectrum. You took that on the chin as well. I had no idea what to do, how to cope, but you just set about investigating how we could help him.’

  ‘That’s not how I remember it. I seem to recall it was you who held it all together.’

  He shook his head. ‘That’s because you’re so damned hard on yourself. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You’re so strong, Mezz. You totally amaze me with your ability to just keep going no matter what. Not to mention that you’re funny and kind and you totally rock my world in the bedroom.’

  She laughed at him momentarily but then she remembered that, despite these words, as far as she knew he still wanted out. ‘So how did we get here then? Last week you sat across from me and told me you wanted a divorce.’

  ‘You tell me. Your self-loathing has poisoned us, Mezz. I don’t want to fight any more. I think it’s time to walk away before we do real damage to each other and to our kids.’

  She
had no answer for that. He was right. She’d hated herself for so long she didn’t know how to change. She’d thought that losing the weight would make a huge difference to her life, but despite wearing size fourteen jeans, she found her life wasn’t really much different to how it was before. She still hated her job. Her parenting hadn’t improved, and far from saving her relationship she’d driven Sean even further away.

  She nodded. ‘You’re right. This is totally on me. But I want you to know I still love you. More than ever, in fact. And if I could have one wish it would be to undo all the hurt I’ve inflicted on you and the kids these past few years.’ She placed her now empty glass on the table, and covered her face with her hands. All the pent up emotion of the past week suddenly became too much to hold in and she began to cry. Not small silent tears, but big gulping sobs. Her body shook and her nose ran. She knew it wasn’t pretty but she was powerless to stop it.

  Sean came over and sat beside her. He gently wrapped his arms around her and drew her to him. ‘Hey, this is not all on you. I have to take some of the blame too. In hindsight I should have realised that moving here might not have been so easy for you. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe I should have listened to you better. Tried harder to help you fit in. We both made mistakes, Mezz. I think we’re past the point of laying blame. I just want us both to be happy and I’m not sure that will ever happen for us if we stay together.’

  She concentrated on steadying her breathing so she could speak, but she didn’t know what to say. She did know that for the first time in ages she felt comforted. For now just being in Sean’s arms was enough. ‘Please don’t make me spend tonight alone. I just want to stay here, in our bed. Just for tonight. Please, Sean, don’t make me go out to the granny flat on my own.’

  He didn’t answer right away and for a moment she thought he was going to refuse her. But then he kissed her lightly on top of her head, like he did to the boys when they were frightened. ‘Okay. If that will make you happy, that’s what we’ll do.’

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Ellie turned up the radio and sang her heart out, partially to relieve the boredom of driving, but also as a way of releasing the tension she was feeling about heading back to Melbourne.

  It wasn’t that she was conflicted about her choice. She wanted to be there for Kat in her time of need and she was happy she was in a position to do so.

  The past few days on her own she’d had time to think about her future. Everything was on hold while Kat was sick, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t plan for the next stage of her life. The more she thought about it, the more she realised she didn’t want to go back to London. All her friends there had moved on. She was no longer a part of their world. She missed her family of course, but she really hadn’t seen them that often even when she lived in London. There was nothing to stop her from going home for Christmas and important events. But the people who mattered most to her in the world lived right here in Australia. Maybe that would change after Kat . . . she couldn’t bring herself to say the word, even in her head. But the truth was, in the not too distant future Kat would no longer be here and she, Jewels and Mezz would be left to deal with the aftermath. Maybe it would bring them closer together, maybe it wouldn’t, but Ellie wanted to stick around long enough to find out.

  The only really big decision was what to do about her job. London’s pull had always been the career opportunities it provided, ones she simply couldn’t access here. Staying in Australia for much longer would be career suicide, but she was starting to wonder how much she cared about that. In some ways she’d made that choice two-and-a-half years ago, when she’d followed Jenn out here. She’d let love dictate her life then, and maybe that hadn’t been such a bad choice. After all, life was short and what was more important than love? The affection she felt for her friends was a different kind of love, but just as important. In a way Mezz, Jewels and Kat were her soul mates. The people she could be her true self with without fear of judgement. She was lucky to have found them and now that she had she wasn’t ready to let them go.

  But she knew that the next little while would be hard on all of them. She just hoped she had it in her to do whatever was required of her. Right now that was the thing causing her the most stress. She’d never had to nurse anyone before, and to be perfectly honest she wasn’t really the Florence Nightingale type. The sight of blood made her feet go cold and she was a sympathetic vomiter. Hopefully when the time came to deal with any of these things she’d cope. Right now Kat didn’t really seem sick. Sure she was a bit tired from the surgery, but otherwise she seemed much the same as she’d always been. It was hard to imagine Kat being any different. Would her hair fall out? Would she become too weak to leave the bed? Oh god, would she need help going to the toilet?

  As soon as there was an opportunity she’d get Mezz alone and get her to outline exactly what she could expect over the next few months, but right now she needed to focus on her driving. She turned the volume up another notch and tried to put her fears out of her mind.

  By five o’clock Ellie’s eyes were stinging and her neck ached. It was time to stop for the day. She was only a few kilometres outside of Albury–Wodonga, the twin towns on the New South Wales and Victorian border, so she decided she’d pull into the first half decent motel she came across.

  Once she’d checked into the Twin Towns Motel she collapsed onto the saggy double bed and checked her phone. There was a message from Mezz wishing her a safe trip and another from Kat, asking her to call, which she did immediately.

  Kat picked up on the second ring. ‘Hey, Ellie. How’s the trip?’

  ‘All good. I’m in Albury at a little motel. It’s very retro. I think you’d like it. Leonard approves.’

  Kat laughed. ‘They let you bring Leonard inside?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t exactly mention him when I checked in.’

  ‘Good call. So when will you be back?’

  ‘Tomorrow afternoon sometime. Depends how the traffic is coming into Melbourne. But I’m really only about four hours or so away, I think.’

  ‘That’s great. I’m really looking forward to seeing you. Hey, I have some news. I’ve been chatting to Jewels about how I’d love to go back to her beach house again. All of us. I had such a nice time there with the three of you, even though it was the weekend Josh and I broke up. It was when I realised how much you all meant to me. In a lot of ways it was the beginning of the nicest few months of my life. I know it’s stupid but I’d kind of like to recapture that happiness for a few more days.’

  ‘It’s not stupid.’

  ‘Jewels suggested we utilise the house over Easter. I thought her family would be using it, but apparently Sofia doesn’t want Lily’s routine disrupted and Jewels’ parents want to be around to help out with the baby, so they’re not going to the beach house this year.’

  ‘What about Jewels?’

  ‘She said the family has a traditional Easter Sunday dinner and she’ll go home for that, but otherwise she’s ours for the weekend. Mezz is able to come too. She’s going to come Friday morning and bring her youngest son with her, I think. She said she’ll celebrate with her other boys on Sunday evening.’

  ‘I can’t believe it’s Easter next weekend. I’d almost forgotten about it.’

  ‘So are you up for a girls’ weekend away? Hopefully the Easter Bunny will still find you.’

  ‘Of course. I’m up for anything you are my friend.’

  ‘Excellent! I’ll let the others know. Thanks for everything you’ve done so far, Ellie. You truly have been a lifesaver. See you tomorrow.’

  As Ellie ended the call she thought about the irony of Kat’s words. If deeds of love could save Kat’s life she’d live forever.

  ★

  On Good Friday Kat sat on the balcony looking out to sea as she soaked up the late afternoon sun. Easter was early this year. There was a light chill in the autumn air and s
he pulled her thick cable knit cardigan close to ward it off for a few more minutes. She was enjoying the solitude for now and was in no hurry to go back inside. Everyone else was busy anyway, and she didn’t want to be in the way. As much as she appreciated everyone’s care and consideration, at the moment they were all treating her as if she were made of glass. She just wanted everything to be normal for a while. Hopefully once they got a few wines in them the others would stop treating her as if she might break in half. Part of her wanted to forget everything and just have fun, but this weekend was about a lot more than that.

  Somehow this weekend she needed to tell the others that she’d decided against the chemo. Of course it was her decision to make and technically none of their business, but Kat wanted her friends to understand. The desire to stay in Ami’s life for as long as possible was overridden by her need to have quality time with her daughter. What was the point in living for a few extra months if she was too sick or weak to play with Ami? What good would that do? She’d spent the time since her diagnosis researching and talking to her oncologist at the Royal Women’s, as well as a hospital-provided counsellor, and was at peace with her decision. She was fairly certain she’d have Ellie’s support, Jewels could go either way, but she expected opposition from Mezz, who was still talking about clinical trials.

  Then there was the question of Ami. The thought of what would become of her child when the inevitable happened made her sick to her stomach. At first she’d been worried that Josh’s girlfriend wouldn’t make a good stepmother. Now she had a whole new problem.

  Josh didn’t want Ami.

  She could hardly believe it was true, but it was. He’d tearfully told her he was sorry but he couldn’t do it. He was working FIFO and Nikki wasn’t ready to have kids. Ami wasn’t Nikki’s responsibility, he’d said. When Kat pointed out that Ami was, in fact, his responsibility, he had sobbed. He said he would provide for her for the rest of her life but he couldn’t look after her. It wouldn’t be fair to her.