The Shape of Us

by Lisa Ireland

  ‘Fair enough,’ Jewels said. ‘What about a tea, though?’

  ‘Later, maybe. And I can get it, Jewels. Honestly, I feel totally fine. What I really want is to talk to you all about something that’s very important to me. Two things, actually.’

  Ellie reached over and patted her hand. ‘Go ahead, Kat. We’re all ears.’

  ‘First, I just need you to promise me you’ll listen to the end of this without interrupting me. Some of what I have to say is difficult and I’m worried that if I don’t blurt it all out at once I won’t get through it. I promise you’ll all get to have your say, but please just let me spit this out, okay?’

  Mezz and Jewels nodded their agreement and Ellie squeezed her hand. ‘Of course, Kat. Whatever you want.’

  ‘First, I want to thank you all for the support you have given me so far. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without you. You’ve made facing this terrible news so much easier to bear. And there’s nothing I can do to repay you.’

  Jewels opened her mouth to respond but Kat wagged her index finger at her to remind her not to interrupt and she closed it without uttering a sound.

  ‘I hope that you know that even though we’ve only been friends for less than a year, I feel closer to the three of you than I have to anyone else I’ve ever known. I’m grateful for our friendship and if this turns out to be the last year of my life I want you all to know that because of the three of you it’s also been the best year of my life. This weekend has been a great example of that. In spite of everything I had a wonderful day today. It was perfect. I had all the people who matter most around me, my daughter was happy, the sun was shining and I dipped my toes in the sea. What more could a girl ask for?’ She paused to take a breath before launching into the hard part.

  ‘As you know I’ve been busy visiting the hospital for a whole heap of appointments. I’ve talked a lot about what my future might hold and I’ve made a decision.’ She sucked in another big breath and went on. ‘I’ve decided to accept palliative care only.’ She looked at Jewels. ‘That means the only treatments I’ll accept are ones that help me feel well and comfortable. Nothing that will directly prolong my life.’ Her gaze moved to Mezz, who was shaking her head. ‘That means no chemo, no clinical trials, no surgery unless it’s to relieve symptoms. I’ve made up my mind, and I ask that the three of you accept my decision, because I’ve thought long and hard about it and this is what I truly want.’

  Mezz didn’t speak but tears streamed down her face. Ellie scooted over on the couch and slid her arm around Kat’s shoulders, while Jewels got up and went to the kitchen. She returned with a box of tissues and gave them to Mezz.

  Kat smiled at them all. ‘This is good news. It means we don’t have to waste time in hospital wards and none of you will have to see me as a bald woman. So come on, it’s your turn. If you have something to say, now’s your chance.’

  Ellie spoke first. ‘I know this can’t have been an easy decision to make, but I want you to know that I support you one hundred per cent. And if, at some point, you change your mind, I’ll support that. Whatever you need I’m here for you.’

  ‘Thanks, Ellie.’

  Jewels grabbed the bottle of red from the coffee table and refilled all their glasses. ‘I have to say I’m in shock, Kat. I really didn’t expect this and to be honest, it’s hard to get my head around. But I respect that it’s your choice to make.’ Her eyes became glassy. ‘I guess this is me being selfish, but I want you around for as long as possible.’

  ‘Hey, I want that too, but I also want to be well enough to be able to bath Ami and push her in the stroller, in short be a mother to her, for as long as possible. If I go down the chemo route I might become very sick and unable to do any of those things. And for what benefit? A couple of extra months, maybe? If Ami does have any long-term memories of me I don’t want them to be of me being too weak to even cuddle her.’

  Mezz sat silently sipping her wine.

  Kat looked at her. ‘Do you have anything you want to say?’

  Mezz shook her head and smiled sadly. ‘Nothing you want to hear.’

  Kat knew not to push her. ‘Okay, I know this is a lot to process, so let’s move on.’

  Jewels raised her eyebrows. ‘You mean there’s more?’

  ‘A whole set of steak knives,’ Kat quipped, but her joke fell flat. ‘Yeah, there are a couple of other things I’d like to talk about. Now that I’ve decided not to go ahead with treatment there’s no need for me to stay close to the hospital. Ellie has very kindly offered to hang out with me for a bit longer, seeing as she’s between jobs right now, so I’m thinking maybe it’s time for us to go back home.’

  Mezz started to cry again. ‘You realise that without treatment you may only have twelve months to live, or maybe not even that long?’

  ‘I do. Look, ideally I’d love to spend the last few months of my life close to the three of you, but financially and logistically I’m not sure that’s possible.’

  ‘There’s no reason I can’t rent somewhere in Melbourne for the three of us,’ said Ellie. ‘Maybe we could get a place together near Jewels’ house. I figured that’s what we’d be doing.’

  Kat shrugged. ‘It’s a big commitment for you to make and I can’t in good conscience ask that of you. What if a fantastic job offer comes up in London that you want to take? I don’t want to hold you back, Ellie. I couldn’t bear the responsibility of that.’

  ‘You wouldn’t be. I’ve decided I’m not going back to London.’

  Mezz looked shocked. ‘Ever?’

  Ellie shook her head. ‘Of course I’ll go back for visits, but I’ve decided I want to stay here permanently.’

  ‘What about work?’ Jewels asked. ‘I thought you said you needed to be in Europe to advance your career.’

  ‘Well that’s just it. I don’t think I want that career anymore. It’s over for me. I got into art curating because I love art, but after all these years I’m beginning to realise that the job is as much about politics and PR as it is about creativity. I think I’m more interested in creating things, than displaying them.’

  Mezz downed the last of her wine and reached for the almost empty bottle. ‘So what will you do?’ She poured the dregs into her glass and stood to take the bottle into the kitchen.

  Ellie shrugged. ‘I’m not sure yet. I’ve decided to put my flat in Putney on the market. It’s worth a bit now. That money, combined with my savings, will give me a buffer while I decide what direction I want to take.’

  Mezz returned from the kitchen with a new bottle. ‘Anyone for a top-up?’

  Jewels and Ellie both held out their glasses. Kat got up and stretched her arms above her head. ‘All this talking is making me dry. I’m going to make myself that cup of tea.’

  Once they were all sitting down with a beverage in hand, Kat directed the conversation back to Ellie. ‘I hope my situation hasn’t got anything to do with you giving up your career, Ellie.’

  ‘Actually it has. You being sick has made me realise life’s too short to just keep going along for the ride. I want to do something that will make me really happy.’

  Kat smiled. ‘Well, I guess the bastard cancer’s good for something then.’

  Ellie looked stricken. ‘Oh Kat, I’m so sorry. That was insensitive of me.’

  Kat laughed. ‘No it wasn’t. It was honest. That’s all I ever want you to be with me.’

  ‘In any case,’ Ellie said, ‘I’m going to be around for a long time so we can rent somewhere in Melbourne if you like.’

  Kat nodded slowly. ‘I’ll think about it for a day or two.’ She grinned. ‘It’s a shame we can’t all stay here forever. I love this place so much. The view is so gorgeous. It’s hard to be unhappy when you’re looking out over the ocean.’

  Jewels set down her glass on the coffee table and clapped her hands. ‘That’s a great
idea. Why didn’t I think of that?’

  ‘Think of what?’ Ellie asked.

  ‘You and Kat and Ami can live here for a while.’

  Kat shook her head. ‘Oh no, Jewels. I wasn’t being serious, I wasn’t asking –’

  ‘I know you weren’t, but it’s a great idea nonetheless. I’ll have to check with the rest of the family, but I’m sure they won’t mind. Nobody uses this place much in the winter anyway. My parents will be more than happy to have it occupied.’

  Mezz nodded. ‘We can come and visit on weekends. And you’re not that far away from the hospital if you change your mind about treatment.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  ‘Even so,’ Mezz continued, ‘it’s good to be near a big hospital just in case you need something. And there’s an excellent hospital in Geelong with a dedicated cancer centre. I really think it’s a good idea.’

  Kat looked at Ellie. ‘What do you think?’

  ‘If you’re happy, I’m happy. I mean, what’s not to like about living down here? I’ve always longed to live at the seaside.’

  ‘Well,’ said Jewels, ‘that’s one problem fixed. What’s next on the agenda?’

  Jewels watched the smile fade from Kat’s face. For someone facing a death sentence she’d remained remarkably upbeat, but now her eyes were glassy and her mouth was pinched, almost as if she was in physical pain. ‘Are you feeling unwell, Kat?’

  She shook her head. ‘No, I’m fine. Well, not really fine because what I’m about to ask is something no mother should ever have to contemplate.’

  Ellie raised her eyebrows at Jewels before turning to Kat. ‘What is it, Kat?’

  ‘It’s Ami. I’ve been in touch with Josh and he . . . well, he’s decided he’s not able to care for her when I’m gone.’

  ‘Fucking arsehole!’ Jewels exploded. ‘He’s her father. What part of that doesn’t he get?’

  Kat began to sob uncontrollably. ‘I know, I know, but . . .’

  Ellie took Kat in her arms and tried to console her. ‘Shh, shh. It’s okay. Take some deep breaths.’

  It took some time but eventually Kat regained her composure. ‘I’m sorry about that, but it just breaks my heart to think of Ami as an orphan.’

  Jewels’ heart began to beat double time. She and Matt could take Ami easily. Matt had been against adoption in theory, but he knew Ami. Hell, he’d fallen in love with her when she’d stayed with them. Surely he wouldn’t have a problem with giving a motherless child a home? ‘Kat, she won’t be an orphan. I won’t let that happen. Matt and I would love to raise her.’

  Kat blinked at her uncomprehendingly. ‘Oh, wow. Jewels, that’s an amazing offer, but obviously it’s not that simple.’

  ‘Of course it is. Ami needs care and Matt and I can offer her that.’

  Kat wiped her eyes. ‘Thank you, Jewels, but you’ll need to discuss this with Matt. There’s a lot for us all to consider. I’m touched you would offer so unreservedly. That was what I wanted to ask you all. If any of you would consider looking after Ami for me.’ Her gaze shifted from Jewels to Ellie.

  Ellie looked at the floor momentarily and then back at Kat. ‘You know, Kat, I could take her. I don’t have a partner to consider and Ami and I are already beginning to bond.’

  Kat smiled at Ellie and she nodded. ‘Yes, she’s really taken a shine to you, hasn’t she? It’s lovely that you would offer too, Ellie.’

  ‘How on earth are you going to look after a child? You don’t have a job, or a house or any sort of stability.’ The words were out of Jewels’ mouth before she could stop them.

  Ellie’s face coloured. ‘I won’t be out of work forever. I’m very employable, actually. This is a deliberate hiatus so I can decide what to do with my life. Maybe this is meant to be. I love Ami and I’d be honoured to care for her.’

  Mezz and Kat were nodding at Ellie’s words as if they actually made sense. ‘Ellie, I know you’re trying to be kind, but for goodness’ sake be sensible. You’re a single woman. What if you get a new partner? What if they don’t like kids? Ami’s not a football that you can just pass off to the next available person.’

  ‘I’m well aware of the responsibilities of parenting, thank you, Jewels. And Kat’s a single mum herself. Doesn’t stop her from being a good mother.’

  ‘Of course it doesn’t, but that’s not the same.’

  ‘Why?’ Ellie’s face contorted with anger. ‘Because I’m a lesbian?’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. It’s got nothing to do with that. I was going to say it’s not the same because Kat is actually her mother.’

  Mezz looked at Jewels and then at Ellie, and shook her head. ‘Stop it, both of you. You’re not making this any easier on Kat.’

  Jewels turned her attention back to Kat. She was slouched back in her seat, tears streaming down her face. ‘Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that I really think Ami would be better off with Matt and me. We can provide her with a stable home, two parents and complete financial security.’ She could feel Ellie’s rage even though she wasn’t looking in her direction. She turned to face her. ‘I’m sorry, El. I know you’d do a great job too, I just think Matt and I have more to offer in terms of stability.’

  Kat sat silently crying and Ellie didn’t speak either. Finally Mezz said, ‘This is a big decision, one Kat needs to make without any pressure. Kat, I love Ami too, and will do everything I can to make sure her life is as wonderful as possible once you no longer can. I don’t think I can care for her full-time. I can barely care for my own kids adequately and I don’t know what will happen between Sean and me. However, I will always be there as her backstop. She can come to us whenever she needs anything, whether it’s money, advice or just for a special holiday. I will help in whatever way I can. And I can assure you that I won’t let these two,’ she looked from Jewels to Ellie and back again, ‘do anything ridiculous. There’s no reason why we can’t all have a role to play in Ami’s life, but it’s up to you to decide who you think is best able to provide for her needs.’

  Ellie leaned over and kissed Kat’s cheek. ‘I’m sorry if I upset you. I just want you to know that I love Ami and you and whatever decision you make will be okay with me. I think I’m going to have an early one. Goodnight, everyone.’

  Once Ellie was gone, Jewels decided to try to atone for her part in this debacle. ‘I’m sorry, Kat, really I am. I just got carried away. Of course it’s up to you who cares for Ami. I just strongly believe she’d be better off with me.’

  ‘Jewels, you’re on shaky ground here,’ Mezz cautioned.

  ‘Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I think maybe I need to go to bed too. I’ll leave you to your thoughts, Kat.’

  ★

  Once Jewels was gone Mezz sat down on the couch beside Kat. ‘Are you okay?’

  Kat shook her head. ‘That’s not how I envisaged this conversation going.’

  ‘They both just want to help, you know.’

  ‘I know. And either of them would make great carers for Ami. I handled this badly. I didn’t think it through. I should have asked each of you individually. None of this would have happened if I’d done that. The last thing I want is for this to cause a rift between us all.’

  ‘It won’t. I’ll make sure of that. Jewels is fiery, you know that better than anyone. But she’ll settle down and hopefully realise that she was out of line. And Ellie’s feelings have been hurt, but she’s sensible. She won’t let that get in the way of our friendship. She’ll forgive Jewels sooner or later. I’ll talk to them both in the morning.’

  ‘Mezz, you’re such a rock. You always seem to know what to do. I really hope you’ll watch over Ami for me. I so admire you. I hope you know that. You’re a great mum. Archie is the most adorable little boy.’

  Mezz’s eyes filled with fresh tears. ‘You don’t know how much it means to me to hear you
say that. But I’m not, you know. In a lot of ways I’ve failed as a mother. I haven’t spent enough time with my boys. And I haven’t enjoyed them. I wasted a lot of years wishing for something else instead of enjoying what I had in front of me. But I’m hoping to change all that. I want you to know that I meant what I said about being Ami’s backstop. If everything goes to pieces, she can come live with me. Sean’s a fantastic dad – he’s the reason Archie’s such a great little kid. And the boys would love a little sister, I’m sure. It’s not that I don’t want her, Kat. But my life is in such a state of flux at the moment and I can’t predict what will happen. I just think she’d be better off with one of the others.’

  ‘Which one?’

  Mezz smiled. ‘Only you can decide that.’

  Chapter Thirty

  Five months later, Kat watched the late winter sun coming up over the water from her bed. The sunrise was getting earlier each day, signalling that spring would soon be on its way. She had the perfect position to witness the spectacular dawn and she wondered now why she’d resisted the palliative care team’s idea of installing a hospital bed in the living room for so long. She’d somehow thought that the bed would frighten Ami, but the reverse turned out to be true. Ami was fascinated with it and had spent much of yesterday afternoon snuggled up beside her playing games on the new iPad Jewels had bought her. It seemed Leonard was a fan of the new bed too. Right now he was curled up contentedly at her feet.

  These past few months had been mainly wonderful. For the first two months or so after she and Ellie moved into the beach house, everything had been great. She’d felt reasonably well and being here was like being on an extended holiday. They’d walked along the beach, had long lunches out in coffee shops, read books, played with Ami and even entertained visitors.

  Despite pleading with him not to, Ben had arrived late one afternoon. He begged her forgiveness for coming against her wishes, but said he had to see her one last time. In the end he stayed for three nights and Kat was glad to have the chance to say a proper goodbye. On their last night together, Ellie looked after Ami while she and Ben had a night at the pub. Drunk on cider they’d come back home and made love. The next morning he’d kissed her goodbye and told her no matter what, Ami could always count on him, that he would stay in touch with Ellie so that Ami would always know where to find him. It was a bittersweet goodbye, but one Kat was glad he’d insisted on doing properly.