by Lucinda John
*****
When I pulled into my circular driveway the sight of my kids playing outside with their mother warmed my heart. I hated how I was about to separate them, but I couldn’t be with a woman that I wasn’t able to trust with my life. If I was really in a bad head space when I went to jail, I would have gone mental the moment Macy decided to dip out on a nigga. As much excuses as she tried to make for herself; it didn’t decipher the fact that she left me for years keeping my kids from me. The more I thought of Macy unexplainable ways the quicker the warm feeling I was feeling disappeared.
“Hey daddy!!!” Maliah ran to me the moment she heard the beeping of my alarm.
“Hey princess.” I replied bending down to scoop her in my arms.
“What’s that in your hand?” she asked the pointing to the yellow envelope that contained the agreement to the divorce.
“Just work.” I replied showering her with kisses. “Guess what?”
“What daddy?” Mariah asked finally joining us with a chunky Mace in tow.
“Grandma is coming to pick everyone up for a sleepover at her house!” I replied.
“Yay!!” The girls screamed and jumped causing Mace to burst into a fit of laughter.
Picking him up I kissed his plumped cheeks and tried and pushed the negative thoughts of him not being mine out of my head. Taking him to get a paternity test crossed my mind, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to do it. I figured I’d just leave it alone and enjoy having my son. Regardless of what the test results may say he would forever be a Godfrey I wouldn’t dare strip him of that last name.
“Will Jamie be there?” The twins both asked.
The fact that they had the ability to say the same thing at the same time was still something I was getting used to. There was a lot about my kids that I had to learn because Macy bitch ass decided not to allow them to visit me. At times, I felt like I was a stranger to my kids, and I would never forgive Macy for that foul shit.
“Yes, Jamie will be there.” I replied. “Go tell mommy to help you pack your bags grandma will be here in an hour.”
“Ok.” They both replied before running off.
“You ready to go to grandma’s house lil man?” I asked Mace who only squealed at me. At two he was mad smart, he wasn’t speaking in full sentences yet; but he could say a few words.
“Daddy.” he cooed causing me to proudly smile down at him.
“Yes, man, daddy gotchu ‘till the casket close my boy.” I said as we walked in the house.
I was in Mace room packing him a weekend bag when Macy’s nagging ass came barging in the room.
“Why is Mace going to your mom’s? she asked with her hand on her hips.
“That’s her grandson why the fuck wouldn’t he go?” I questioned.
“I figured since she was going to have all the girls that she wouldn’t want Mace running around tearing stuff up you know he’s a handful.”
“My mother raised three bad ass boys, she got this.” I replied grabbing Mace’s bag and pushing past her.
I sat with the kids outside until my mother pulled up. Macy decided to play with fire by sitting out there with us still trying to convince me to keep Mace home. She knew my mother was tight with her; so, I didn’t understand why she stayed in her seat when my mother got out of her car.
“Grandma’s babies are you guy ready for a day filled with fun?” my mother asked with a smile on her face.
For her to be forty-seven she still looked good. She had the Nia Long look going for her which had me going crazy when niggas tried to get at her. My mother was dressed casually in a sundress with a huge hat over her head. Her large Gucci frames hid the dirty looks that I knew for a fact she was sending Macy’s way.
“Hello Mrs. Godfrey.” Macy spoke to my mother.
“Hey.” she dryly replied. “Hand me my grandson.” she said reaching out for Mace.
“Do you think Mace might be a handful this weekend?” Macy said causing me to shake my head.
“Kids go buckle up yourselves in the car.” My mother said to the twins getting ready to tear Macy a new asshole.
“Listen here; I raised three boys by myself. When Big Mayhem was alive and ripping these streets I sat home with three boys and not once did they move out of order. I didn’t have to move to another state to seek help from my mother because I was woman enough to handle my kids and stand by my man’s side. Maybe I could give you a lesson or two, or maybe it’s too late.” she smirked.
“Baby, I’ll talk to you later.” she kissed me on the cheeks before walking back to her car leaving Macy standing there with a stupid look on her face.
Instead of addressing the situation, I walked off and into the spare room I’ve been spending my nights in. Just as I was about to undress and take a much-needed shower, Macy presented her annoying ass. I moved around the room as if she wasn’t standing in the doorway, but she still couldn’t catch the hint.
“Mayhem, we need to talk.”
“About what Macy?” I asked never looking her way.
“Our marriage.”
“What about it?” I asked finally giving her eye contact. Even though I couldn’t stand the sight of her I couldn’t help but admire her beauty.
“Where do we stand in our marriage?” she asked.
“I’m glad you asked. I’ve got some papers my lawyer drew up for you.” I replied walking towards the envelope.
I ignored the tears that formed in her eyes once I handed her the envelope. With shaking hands, she slowly opened it and skimmed through the stacks of papers. Her eyes grew wide and I could tell she had an overdose of reality. Our marriage was over, and there wasn’t anything she could do to fix it.
“Why Mayhem?” she cried. “What did I do to deserve this?”
“Really Macy, we’ve been having this same conversation since I came home. I’m sick of explaining myself!”
“When things in a marriage go bad you’re supposed to work them out.” she sobbed.
“What if I’m no longer in love with my wife? What if I can’t trust her? What if the sight of her makes me sick? Then what?” I asked raising me voice.
“We can fix it!”
“How Macy? How can you fix something where there is no love, how can I be with someone who I am not crazy in love with? I’m not trying to waste our time this shit is over with! Now get the fuck out so I can wash my fucking balls ain’t like you sucking them!” I lashed out storming inside the bathroom slamming the door shut behind me.
Macy sobs grew so loud that I had to use the sound of the running water as a distraction from hearing her dramatic ass. I tried to let her down gently. I allowed her to keep this house and the cars. I was going to continue to pay the bills and the kids schooling, I also planned to pay her alimony and child support the only thing I wanted out of the divorce was joint custody and my last name. I could have been nasty and left her with nothing, but I respected her too much. At a point in time I did love her. I was even convinced that I was in love with her, but now, I realized all that shit was false. If I was truly in love with Macy, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. The fact that I couldn’t find it in me to salvage our marriage proved that I was officially done with her.
When I exited the shower Macy was gone. This wasn’t how I wanted to end things with her so I made a mental note to have an adult conversation with her once she calmed down. After my hygiene was handled, I dressed down in a pair of acid-washed jeans, a white V-neck, and a pair of white and gold Balmain high tops. Placing my gold chain that held the diamond encrusted ‘Last Supper’ piece and my gold watch I was good to go.
As I was walking passed the room I once shared with Macy it sounded as if I heard voices. The closer I got to the door I could hear her speaking in a hushed tone. I slowly pushed opened the door only to find her leaning against the bay window whispering into her cell phone. She must have felt my presence because she turned her head and our eyes met. She held my gaze no longer paying the other person o
n the phone any mind. Her eyes told the truth that her mouth couldn’t, she was hiding something.
No longer interested in the staring contest we were having, I headed to my car and headed to my barber shop. I wanted to check on business, and I was due for a shape up. The whole drive to the shop I racked my brain on who Macy was talking to and why was she acting as if she was reciting the secret formula to Mr. Krabs.
“Boss man,” Mr. Burns greeted me as soon as I walked through the door.
Mr. Burns was one of the older gentlemen that was locked up with me. He was a wise man given a bad hand so when he got out I had my brother hook him up with a job at the shop. He didn’t know much about cutting hair but he kept the shop clean at all times.
“What’s up Mr. Burns it’s been a minute. How’s the free life treating you?” I asked.
“Better now that I’m working for you. I’m grateful for you young man.” he replied.
“No biggie, Mr. B you know I gotta hold it down for my peoples.” I said taking a seat in Dex’s chair.
As Dex shaped me up I still couldn’t get over Macy’s attitude. I noticed how she wouldn’t allow Mace to be around me for too long, now she’s in corner having private conversations and shit. Everything was looking real suspect, and I was too pussy to figure the shit out. Finding out if I was Mace biological father was something I was dreading to do only because I believed in my heart that he was mine.
“What’s worrying you boss man.” Mr. Burns asked.
“Holla at me in my office,” I said checking out Dex’s work before paying him for his services.
“Talk to me young man.” Mr. Burns said taking a seat on one of the peanut butter colored seats that decorated the office.
“It’s my marriage.” I replied. I had no problems opening up about my marriage to Mr. Burns only because he was the one I would go to when I needed that old school advice that only an old head could give you.
“Trouble in paradise huh?”
“I served her divorce papers.”
“That serious.”
“Yes. I’m done.”
“You stood before God and gave vows to be with this lady forever, there’s gotta be a deep reason to why you’re ready to call quits after just getting out of jail.” he questioned.
“I was with Macy even before my father died, at first it was a fling then it blossomed when we learned she was pregnant. Things really didn’t start getting serious between us until my father handed me over his empire on his death bed. As my father groomed me into being the man that I am today he also gave me life lessons when it came to women . He told me that he didn’t regret anything in life except the pain he caused my mother. He explained how all different types of beautiful women would be throwing themselves at me once they learned of my status. He told me to find one woman worth settling with and keep her. Since I was with Macy before I became boss, I decided to stick with her. I married her only because I was trying to be the man my father was. The only difference between me and my father was that he married a woman he fell in love with. He was spiritually connected to my mother. He would be getting ready to call my mother, but it would be as if she was reading his mind because she would call him first. What they shared was real love. A love I tried to force with Macy because I felt like the only thing that was missing to make my life as a boss complete was a wife and some kids.” I replied never taking my eyes off the photo that I had on my desk of me and my father.
“Wow that’s deep. Let me ask you this when did you figure out all of this.”
“For the first two years Macy came to visit me faithfully. Every visit she was there with bells and whistles on. I would call her at three in the morning, and she would jump up and answer the phone. I was in my daughters’ life faithfully that shit really helped my time behind bars go by faster. Then she got pregnant with Mace and shit went left. She barely would answer my calls, she stopped bringing my daughters and to make matters worse she ups and moved to New York to stay with her mother who she barely got along with for a few seconds. She really fucked me up in the head when she stopped bringing my daughters or never brought my son to come see me. She claimed all of it was stressful, but I started getting a gut feeling that it was another man. The more time I had away from Macy the more I started thinking and questioning everything. I started putting everything my father schooled me on when it came to women and in reality Macy wasn’t the one. She did it for me because she grew on me, but we never had that connection to begin with. To make matters worse I have a feeling that Mace isn’t mine. My family didn’t want to throw that thought in my head, but I know for a fact they’re feeling the same way.”
“I will tell you this; you can’t force love. When you love someone, you will love them more than you hate any pain they may have caused you. If you truly loved Macy then you would have been trying to find any logical reason to make things work. You only get one life to experience true love, and you don’t want to cheat yourself out of that experience because you feel like you have to be with that person. There is always co-parenting. The last thing you want to do is make things messy. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Sit her down share your feelings with her and make sure she’s understanding where you’re coming from.” he replied.
“I hear you Mr. B good looking out I’ve wanted to vent on this shit for a minute, but I just couldn’t find the right person worth venting to.” I chuckled.
“Well, you’re looking at a man that’s been divorced three times, I know how it feels to marry the wrong woman.” he chuckled.
“Damn, Mr. B you pimping them.” I joined in on the laughter.
“Nah son, I’m still looking for the right one.” he joked.
“Mr. B you’re alright with me.”
“I hear ya young blood, let me get back to work so you can get to yours.”
When Mr. Burns left my office I allowed our conversation to marinate in my mind. Reaching in my back pants pocket I pulled out a photo and unfolded it placing it on my desk. I studied Tiny from her bright red hair down to her beautiful Melanin skin. As I stared into her big eyes I was able to look past her dramatic haircut, annoying bullhorn nose piercing, and the fact that she stripped for a living. Her eyes told me that this wasn’t the life she chose, I could see beyond her slutty look and conclude that she was a lost soul worth finding.
Despite what my brother said, I was drawn to her simply by her eyes alone. The night she gave me the lap dance, I had every intention of fucking her thick ass, but the moment our eyes met all that shit changed. Her eyes held so much innocence, fear, hurt that I knew me fucking her and throwing her a few dollars would only add more to her baggage. Picking up my phone, I called my boy that worked at the BMW dealership for a favor.
Tiny
Since the incident at Tasty’s I’ve been staying at my apartment. I haven’t contacted Cash and luckily he hasn’t tried to contact me. I was scared he was going to pop up somewhere so I would take extra precaution when it came to seeing Elijah.
I was already up thinking about Mayhem when my alarm clock started chirping alerting me that it was time for work. Since I was now responsible for both me and Elijah, I went to the strip club to dance faithfully every night while turning tricks on the side. All money was green to me so I did whatever I had to make sure me and mine was straight.
Placing ten perfect toes on my three hundred dollars Rooms To Go rug, I made my way to the bathroom to take a shower. Making sure the water was to my liking I pulled the shower cap over my satin sleeping cap and emerged my body into the scolding hot water. As the steam buried my body and the water massaged my skin all I could think about was my big, sexy night and shining armor. The way he put paws on Cash had my pussy juices running down my legs. Mayhem was real disrespectful, but the five grand he handed me did my son’s savings account very well.
Grabbing my powder blue towel, I wrapped it around my thick frame and exited the shower. Brushing and flossing my teeth I made sure my grill was sparkling and smell
ing fresh before I plugged in my flat iron and fixed my haircut. I was now rocking this Rihanna inspired haircut that I paid one hundred and fifteen dollars to get slayed to perfection.
Since I was going to change at the club, I decided to slip a mustard colored tube top dress over my naked body. Grabbing a few outfits for tonight I stuffed them in my Pink duffle bag along with my Summers Eves wash, spray and wipes. Once I had everything packed I slipped my feet in a pair of brown gladiator sandals, sprayed my body down with my Daisy by Marc Jacobs perfume and popped a Xanax drowning it down with a cup of Apple Ciroc that I mixed with Sprite.
Making sure my apartment was nice and clean, I headed to the door with my phone and keys in my hand. My heart dropped when my car was missing and a navy blue BMW Z4 was sitting in its space. I was so confused until I saw a note attached to the windshield. Grabbing it, I flipped it opened and blushed at the words that were on the page.