Secrets

by Steel, Danielle

  She couldn't tell him ' but she had to ' but then he would want to know why she had come. And why had she? He would think she was playing games with him and he'd be furious. That kind look in his eyes would disappear, and the very thought terrified her. I ' I don't know ' I ' I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

  It's not very different from what you've done, and I think you are ready, Jane. So does Lou. We had a long talk this morning before you came in to see me.

  Lou was pushing her. The bastard. And he knew she couldn't take the part. Why had Lou let it go this far? I'll have to think about it.

  We want you very much, Jane. Very much. He quoted the figure he had mentioned to Lou and she got so pale her freckles stood out. Half a million bucks ' my God ' what she could do with that ' and Jack crying all the time that they spent every dime he made' .

  I ' I'm very flattered, Mel.

  Don't be. You're worth every penny of it. Oh God. Her name would be mud when she turned him down. Now, you give it some thought, and I'll expect to hear from you. He smiled at her and stood up, and walked out of his office with her, his arm around her shoulders, feeling brotherly, warm. He was amazed at the effect the woman had on him. He wanted to tell her to go home and he would take care of everything. I'll give Lou another call. And when he did, he added another two hundred thousand. But Jane didn't even care. She was so blinded by the experience of meeting Mel and all he had said to her that she hit a parked car on her way out of the studio and crumpled her front fender. She left a note on the windshield of the other car with trembling hands and drove home, grateful that no one was there when she got in. She wasn't even thinking about the car. She was just thinking about Mel and the series she couldn't do. She hated answering the phone when it rang, she knew who it was going to be and she was right. It was her agent.

  He was crazy about you. He even upped the price.

  She was near tears as she sat down, her black wig in her hand. She had almost forgotten it on the seat of the car. I can't do it, Lou. But it was wonderful.

  Screw wonderful. It's the biggest offer you'll ever get, the biggest show anyone's ever going to do. He didn't remind her that she was thirty-nine years old and this was a hell of a break for her.

  You've got to do it, Jane.

  I can't .

  God damn it, why not? But he knew. And he was sick of hearing it. I know, I know, because of Jack. Christ, tell him about the money, no man can resist that, no matter how he feels about Hollywood.

  He won't care. Although for once she wasn't entirely sure. Seven hundred thousand dollars was a hell of a lot of money to turn down, for anyone, and he didn't make anywhere near that in his father's brokerage house. He made a hundred thousand every year, and he thought that was a lot. But her old salary had been easier to conceal, she had explained it as investments she made on her own. But this was impossible. No one could make that much on investments. Not even Jack.

  I won't let you give this up. Lou was firm.

  There were tears in her eyes when she spoke again. I don't have any choice.

  If you turn this down, you're out of your mind. Now I want you to talk to him. Tell him you want to do this ' tell him I'll kill you if you don't ' tell him anything, and then call me tomorrow. I told Wechsler we'd get back to him by the end of the week.

  She knew there was no point arguing with him, and she was dying for the part, but she couldn't imagine explaining it to Jack. She could imagine it even less when he came home that night and yelled at her for what she'd done to the car. He'd had too much to drink and he was furious. He even threatened to take the car away and make her drive the Volvo wagon they had for the kids.

  Christ, you can't even do that right, can you, Jane? He was always belittling her, but lately he did it in front of the kids, which made it even worse. And they joined in the attacks these days, as though it was all right to yell at her, because their father did, but she could never convince him of that. She had tried explaining to him that it destroyed the girls' respect for her when he treated her like that in front of them. And Alexandra was proving it now looking at her with eyes of ice, and then she turned to her dad. Can I have Mom's car?

  That's not a bad idea. He was always spoiling her, and making a fool of Jane, as though she weren't as bright as her own kids. She hadn't noticed it as much when she was doing Sorrows every day. She got so much satisfaction out of that that somehow the rest of her life didn't matter as much, the problems anyway. But now everything stood out in sharper relief. You drive better than your mom any day, Alex. He smiled at their youngest child then. And Alyssa does too.

  He complained about the dinner after that, and asked her why she didn't cook something he could eat, and he stormed out of the house afterwards, furious, supposedly to play tennis with a friend while it was still light, but she suspected that he was doing something else. He smelled even boozier when he got back and he wasn't wearing his tennis clothes. There were times when Jane even wondered if he cheated on her, hard as that seemed to believe, given what he did to her. But he didn't lay a hand on her, he just berated her again for the damage she'd done to the car, and called her a dumb cunt, and as he said the words she could feel something snap inside. She had taken enough abuse from him over the years, and the truth was that that was what he thought of her. He thought of her as a piece of meat he had bought years before and could use as he chose. And she didn't want to be used anymore, not by him, or by anyone. Not even by her girls, who had treated her like dirt that night after listening to Jack do the same.

  Don't talk to me like that, she snapped. It was the first time she had said that to him.

  Like what?

  Don't call me names.

  What, a cunt? He smiled evilly. That's what you are, isn't it? He was drunker than she'd realized and she decided not to argue with him. She went into the bathroom and closed the door, and got into the shower, thinking of the show, and Mel, and everything Lou had said, when suddenly Jack yanked open the shower door and stood staring at her. Get out of there. She looked stunned, wondering what had gotten into him. He was worse than usual, as though he was trying to prove a point to her.

  I'm taking a shower. Her voice sounded calm, but she was furious with him. He was keeping her from the only thing she wanted in the world, and he had for years. She had had to sneak around for close to eleven years while she worked, instead of being proud of it, and now if she listened to him, she'd give up the opportunity of her life. I'll be right out.

  Get out now. He grabbed her arm, and his shirt was instantly drenched but he didn't seem to care.

  Let go of me. Her voice was dangerously calm, and he yanked her so hard she almost slipped, and pulled her arm away. Stop it, Jack!

  Fucking cunt! He said the words again, and pulled her out of the shower, slamming her into the sink, holding her arms wide in his tight grasp, and grinding his knee into her crotch. You owe me one for smashing up the car today.

  I don't owe you anything. She spoke in a quiet, even voice, which belied the way she felt. Leave me alone.

  He laughed and grabbed her hard where her legs joined. I own you, and don't you ever forget that, bitch. And with that he turned and walked out, and she stood trembling in the bathroom watching his retreating back. She wanted to scream at him but she didn't dare. He didn't own her. No one did. But the truth was, he thought he did. He thought he had bought her with his respectability, and his gift of life as the wife of a stockbroker. He didn't understand anything.

  Jane dried herself off, and slipped on a robe before walking into the bedroom. He was sitting in bed, watching TV, his clothes in a heap on the floor. He always left his things like that. She did everything for him, that was what perfect wives did, she thought, and for the first time in twenty years, she admitted to herself that she hated it. She was tired of being a perfect wife, perfect hostess, perfect lay. She was suddenly tired of all of it.

  I have to talk to you, Jack. He clicked to another channel and paid no attention to her. She sat
down in a chair across the room from him, far from his grip, from his hands, and she watched, terrified at what he would say, but knowing she had to say it anyway. I have to talk to you.

  What about? You going to pay for the car? He never even looked at her.

  No. I've been offered a part on a television show.

  So? Big deal. It was almost as though he didn't hear.

  I want to do it.

  He didn't answer for a long time, and then he looked at her. What did you say? There was nothing but contempt in his voice, and she noticed that his blond good looks had faded over the years. He was not as handsome as he had once been. And he looked mean so much of the time now.

  I've been offered a part in a television show, a very important one. She repeated for him.

  How do you know? Who offered it to you? He had forbidden her years before to even call Lou anymore.

  That doesn't matter. She suddenly felt her heart quail at the thought of facing him. He was frightening sometimes. I want to do it, Jack ' it would mean a lot to me' .

  Are you out of your mind? I told you, all that ended when you married me. Or do you want to go back to sleeping with directors and producers again? It was an unkind blow and they both knew it wasn't true. At least she did, she always wondered what Jack had believed.

  I never did.

  Well, you're not going back. You can't have that crap and be married to me.

  This isn't crap. It's a big show. Mel Wechsler is producing it.

  When did all this come about? What have you been up to, Jane? He spoke to her like a truant child, but at least he was talking to her.

  Today.

  Then how do you know so much about it?

  She didn't dare tell him she'd been to see Mel. My old agent called.

  I told you not to talk to him. Jack's eyes went back to the TV. Just forget it. That's all. Tell them to go to hell. There was no talking to him, and she sat wondering what to say next when their daughter knocked and walked in.

  It was Alexandra, holding an armload of laundry with a look of disdain. She dumped it on Jane's lap and almost spat her words at her. You didn't do any of my ironing today.

  I had other things to do. Jane rolled it up and handed it back to her. Things were suddenly changing in Jane's mind. She wasn't going to take any more abuse from any of them. I'll get to it when I can.

  I have nothing to wear. It was an angry whine and Jane stood up. Enough was enough. It was the first time she had felt that way in years, instead of beaten down by all of them.

  You have a closet full of clothes. I'm sure you'll find something in there.

  Why don't you iron the kid's clothes? You have nothing else to do right now. It was eleven o'clock at night and she still wanted to talk to him, not that there seemed much hope of it now.

  I'll do it tomorrow. Jane suddenly looked tired and depressed. It was like living among enemies sometimes, especially when they all ganged up on her, as they so often did, as they were now. Why did they do this to her?

  Jack looked at her angrily. Do it now.

  Thanks, Dad. Alexandra looked at him adoringly. Can I take Mom's car to school tomorrow?

  I have to get it fixed. He looked annoyed again, and then glanced at his wife. But you can have it as soon as I get it out of the shop. It was another slap in Jane's face, and she'd had all she could take from him. She took the bundle of Alexandra's clothes and went out to the kitchen alone. She got out the ironing board and the iron. They had a cleaning woman three times a week, but she didn't iron as carefully as Jane did. She had spoiled them all and now she was paying the price, but she was suddenly sick of it. All of it. And all of them.

  It took her an hour, and when she got back to their room, Jack was asleep with the television on. She turned it off and stood staring at him for a long time, and then slipped quietly into bed, thinking of Mel and how kind he had been.

  The next morning Jack left before she woke up, and Alexandra took the Volvo wagon when she went to school. Jack had taken her car to the shop, and the keys to his own car and she was trapped at home, like a naughty child. And she was suddenly sick of that too. She was sick of everything, and suddenly the money Wechsler was offering sounded wonderful to her. And so did the show. She decided to take her life in her hands, and call Lou. It meant too much to her to give it up. And for what? To take more abuse from her family? Maybe once they got over the shock, they'd respect her more. There was always that possibility, and Lou was right, Jack would get over it. He had no choice.

  With trembling hands she picked up the phone and dialed, and in a moment Lou came on. She was so nervous, she could hardly get out the words.

  Well? He held his breath.

  Tell Wechsler I accept.

  Lou Thurman gave a shriek. Hallelujah, baby! You had me scared for a while.

  Me too. She smiled. Her hand was still shaking like a leaf.

  You're going to be the biggest there is, you know that, don't you?

  I'm just looking forward to the work.

  I'll call you this afternoon.

  He didn't have time, but his flowers arrived, and so did Mel's, two huge bouquets. One that sat in splendor in the dining room, the other devouring most of the front hall. They were beautiful, and she was scared out of her wits about what she would tell Jack, but for the first time in her life she felt sure of herself, and strong, and very, very good.

  Chapter 10

  Mel Wechsler looked at his watch as the intercom buzzed. He was expecting someone, and he was in a good mood. Jane Adams's acceptance of the role of Jessica put the show in even better shape, and he had a feeling this girl was going to be good too. She didn't have a great deal of experience, but he had seen her reel, which consisted mostly of commercials and a few small parts, but with a little coaching she would grow, and she had exactly the look he had in mind for Tamara, Sabina's daughter and Jane's niece. And he was startled by her when she walked in. She was strikingly beautiful, with long, silky jet black hair, and big green eyes, but she was also smaller than he had expected her to be. But she had a presence about her that one couldn't miss. According to her bio, she was twenty-four, but she didn't even look that, which was perfect. The role of Tamara Martin called for a girl of nineteen. She had been an afterthought in Eloise's life and she hated her mother and had gone to live with her aunt, and she would make trouble for all of them eventually. She looked capable of it, as she sat down across from him. She looked capable of a lot of things, and her voice was rich and smooth as she sat back in her seat with poise. She was excited to be there, and she was much more composed than Jane had been. Mel suspected that this girl would go far, and he was willing to help her along, with the biggest role of her career.

  Miss Smith, tell me something about yourself. He didn't have to be as gentle with her as he had been with Jane. This girl could take care of herself, but she also had a sparkle in her eyes, and he liked that. She looked as though she could be funny and mischievous, and that pleased him too.

  I'm an only child, I come from the East, and I've been out here for two years. He hadn't realized that, and given that, she had done quite a lot of work.

  What training have you had?

  I studied drama at Yale. That impressed him more than he showed. He had always been impressed by people who went to important eastern schools, and he suddenly began to wonder who she really was, beyond Yale, beyond the two years in L.A. One sensed a lot more about Gabrielle Smith and he wanted to know it all, but she was cautious about what she said. There was very little personal information in the data she gave.

  Where in the East before that?

  She hesitated for a beat. New York. I went to school there. She didn't tell him she had also gone to school in Switzerland too, and spoke perfect French, and had gone to one of the best prep schools in New England before attending Yale. There was a lot she didn't tell Mel, a lot she didn't tell anyone in L.A.

  What's your family like?

  She smiled, and wondered why h
e asked her that. Very nice. I get along fine with them.

  They must be very proud of you.

  She smiled again, noncommittally. She didn't tell him that her parents had been heartbroken over her choice. Her father had hoped she would go on to law school after all, her mother wanted her to get married. But she had her own dreams, and she had been firm with them.

  Have you read the script, Gabrielle?

  I have. It's the best thing I've ever read. She grinned, the mischief peeking through. And I'm so glad you called me instead of someone else. He told her who the rest of the cast were and she was visibly impressed. I did a commercial with Bill Warwick once, and he's good, very professional.

  So are you. I liked your reel very much.

  Thank you, sir. There was something about the way she said the words, and he wondered about her as he looked at her, and decided to try again.

  Gabrielle, who are you really? I get the feeling you're holding out on me. You don't fit into the classic mold out here. And he liked that about her. He liked it very much, but he wanted to know more.

  Does it matter?

  It might. Are there any secrets you want to share with me? Only if the job rested on it. That was the bitch of it. She had never told anyone. And she wasn't going to tell him now.

  No, sir. She looked pleased, and he liked her. She was a nice girl, wholesome and beautiful. She was perfect for the show. They all were. He had the perfect cast now. Sabina, Zack, Jane, Bill, and now Gabrielle. She was still praying she'd get the part as he smiled at her.

  We go on location in New York on December sixth. Any problem with that Gabrielle?

  Not at all. And she knew her parents would be thrilled. She could spend Christmas with them. If she got the part. The big if. How long will you be there?

  He smiled. Four to six weeks. And then he decided to share the good news with her. Why wait and play games? And it's not you,' Gabrielle, it's we,' I hope you'll be there too. Her eyes grew wide and she really did look like a child as she suddenly leapt to her feet and stared at him.