The Makeover

by Vacirca Vaughn

  “Yeah, but why would He, when He did this?” she snarled.

  “Phoenix, God didn’t do this. He may have allowed it, but He didn’t do it.”

  “But why would He even allow this?”

  “I can’t answer that. I do know that if He allows struggles and pain in our lives, it is only for good.”

  “What possible good can come out of being cursed with such ugliness most of my life? What good could come out of being cheated on by a man I loved so much? What good could come out of being rejected by a mother who made me, and made fun of by friends I have treated like sisters for years?”

  “If you give Him a chance to show you, you will find out,” Paulo said, keeping his voice low. “Phoenix…please?”

  “Please what!” Phoenix got in Paulo’s face. “Please what? Let you pray another one of your useless prayers?”

  “No,” Paulo snapped. The well of his patience began to run dry, as the insults poisoned its waters. “No, I don’t want to pray.”

  “What do you want to do, Paulo? Huh?”

  He grabbed her arms and pulled. “I want to shut you up, Phoenix. I want to get you to listen!” And with that he smashed her soft frame against the hard muscles of his and held on. He wrapped his arms tightly around her, pressing himself against her, tucking her head under his chin. She struggled and pushed and pulled away, almost falling backwards and taking him with her, but he held his ground, keeping her firmly in place.

  She continued to wiggle but her strength grew weak after fighting him for several minutes. She eventually collapsed against him, melting into his strength, wrapping her arms tightly around his middle. She pressed her cheek against his heart that beat out a warrior’s thump, a challenge declaring that he would not lose the battle she had taken them into.

  And she yielded, knowing deep down in a place that had been untouched by Pride, Rebellion, Fear, and Rage, that she could not win the battle.

  She knew she could not win because she was facing a soldier in God’s Army.

  So she surrendered against him, filled with a deep longing to be held forever in his arms. She allowed herself to cry out her pent-up loneliness, her fear, her disillusionment, and her pain.

  Most of all she cried in relief, that someone had held her, really held her, because she had no strength left to hold herself.

  Chapter 13

  Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth? (Galatians 4:16)

  And Paulo held Phoenix in that spot for at least a half hour, letting God speak through him in that hug. No words were needed until they were needed. He didn’t have to defend God or himself or even Phoenix to herself. He knew he just needed to hold this woman and let her know that someone cared.

  After her tears wrung her dry, and she wilted in his arms, he pushed her far enough away to give her a tender look. She was sapped beyond her anger, her pride, and her blame. She was empty.

  Which made it perfect timing to fill her with God’s truth.

  Paulo grabbed her hands and walked her towards her sofa. He sat her down and grabbed the iced tea and helped her take several swallows, as if she were a small child. He wiped her eyes with a napkin from the table, then dabbed at her nostrils. Feeling that Phoenix was unable to lash out, he smiled. “Why is it whenever you see me, you’re crying? No wonder I can’t find a wife.”

  Phoenix started to giggle before it dawned on her that Paulo was single. Her voice was hoarse as she answered him, “I didn’t see a ring but I wondered if there was somebody…”

  “Why?” Paulo asked gently, arranging himself next to her, before pulling her into another hug.

  “Because you’re a good man…and very…handsome. So I wondered,” Phoenix answered in the voice of a six-year-old.

  “I see. Uh, thank you for the compliment.” He paused, considering her words. Relaxing himself degree by degree, he carefully leaned back. He settled her against his chest, instinct from the Spirit leading him beyond even his own discomfort. God, he pleaded, where is this headed? I want to comfort her and show her Your love, but is this what she needs? Is this what I need? I can’t do this again only to find out I’ve brought her more harm than good. Is this what You want? I don’t want her getting the wrong idea, Father. I’m supposed to help her learn about the Gospel and help her achieve her goals, right? Father, please, tell me if this is what You want me to do?

  As if hearing his groanings and fears, Phoenix lifted her head. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your being a friend to me. I am so sorry for again lashing out. I didn’t realize how much I just needed, just really needed, someone to hold me. I know you’re just being friendly…brotherly, I guess. But it feels so…good. It’s what I needed. I needed it from my mom, she refused, my friends just made fun of me. There was no one to just…hold me, you know? Thank you, Paulo, so much. I…” her voice trailed off as her heart filled with gratitude and peace. She wrapped her arm around his middle and pressed her cheek deeper into his chest, as if she could blend into him.

  Paulo closed his eyes to shut off God’s direct confirmation. He had to because while he was helping Phoenix, he was fighting himself, refusing to let himself feel what he was feeling. The electric pulses that palpitated between them did not help at all. But, God, did it feel good when her softness pressed into the hard places of his chest and the still-hardened places in his heart. He swallowed and held on, trying to think of Jesus and how he would present his Savior to Phoenix.

  After several minutes, Paulo began to feel drained himself. But he struggled against the feelings swirling and battling within the depths of his soul. He was exhausted, he was afraid, and he was enjoying the feel of the pliant softness of Phoenix’s round frame a lot more than he should.

  He was starting to care a lot more than he thought he could.

  But that was not the point.

  “Phoenix,” he said, clearing the thickness out of his throat. “Honey? Can I talk to you?”

  “What is it now, Paulo?” she groaned, even as her heart fluttered from hearing him call her ‘Honey.’ Forcing herself out of the cloud of joy, she prepared for his words. She was afraid that the moment she had spent so long yearning for would be snatched away by more debates about God. She began to pull away.

  “Where are you going? Stay right there. I need this hug-fest just as badly as you, only I didn’t know it before now. Don’t go anywhere. I need you here, next to me, Querida.”

  Phoenix’s mouth went dry.

  And just like that, she fell in love. She knew it as her heart swelled to bursting and began to rise inside her and float.

  “For real?” she asked with her eyes wide, hopeful.

  “You know we’re friends now, right?”

  And just like that, her heart fell. She knew it as her heart turned back into stone and dropped right back into its dead place.

  “Phoenix?”

  “Um, yeah, friends, got it.” she murmured.

  “And I am beginning to care a lot about you. I want you to be happy. But I want you to know the truth. I don’t want to upset you, but I wouldn’t be a friend to you if I didn’t tell you the truth, God’s honest Truth.”

  “Okay…” she exhaled, struggling to keep the bars of pride from rising up and locking her mind in an impenetrable fortress.

  “So I want you to hear me out. If you end up disagreeing with what I say to you, then fine. I’ll leave it alone. Please, just hear me out, okay?”

  “Okay, fine. It’s the least I can do after what you’ve done for me.”

  Paulo’s heart filled with relief and a desire to ease her pain. It flowed from his depths. God, speak through me. “Phoenix, I know you feel that God did all of this to you. And to a certain extent you are right…”

  Phoenix’s eyes blinked rapidly. “I didn’t expect you to say that.”

  “Hear me out, Sweetie. God did allow you to go through certain things…may have even ordered certain things to come about in your life, but believe me, it was for His purpose and for
your good.”

  He held her close and stroked her shoulder when she tried to move away from him again.

  When she settled against him quietly, he continued. “Yes, He allowed you to go through what you’ve gone through…and he made you as you are, but you fail to realize that you are not ugly in any way. In God’s eyes, we are all beautiful to him—”

  “Great! I’m beautiful in God’s eyes. Wonderful! If only I could go out on a date with God, fall in love with God, and have kids with God. It’s just perfect that God would choose to make me beautiful in a way that only He would find beautiful. That helps a lot. Thanks, God!”

  Paulo chuckled. “You are beautiful, Phoenix, in your own way. You just can’t see it because you don’t see yourself the way God sees you. More importantly the Bible tells us that while man thinks about our outward appearance, God is more concerned with our hearts.”

  “And that’s all well and good, except I was put here to live with man. And man doesn’t bother to know your heart unless he is attracted to your outward appearance. Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

  “I am not trying to make you feel better. I am trying to help you understand the truth. Hopefully the truth will help you feel better.”

  “Continue.”

  “God does not want you to feel ugly. Nor does he want you to abuse your body. It is supposed to be honored and treated as a temple, His temple. You can’t blame God for the way you look. Yes, He may have chosen your skin tone and the texture of your hair. He may have designed your body type, sure. And in a perfect world, all skin tones, hair textures and body types would be considered ideal. But we live in a world that’s full of evil, selfishness, hatred, and worse, sickness, disease, and death. The devil lies to all of us, telling us that we ought to prioritize the wrong things. He tells us that we ought to do what we want, treat others how we want, and live however we want, no matter the cost. Then, when we end up in situations it is difficult to get out of, we blame God.”

  “I know you’ve said a lot of this in the park the day we met, but what are you saying exactly?” Phoenix snapped, as she pulled away again.

  Paulo again pulled her right back to his side. “I’m saying that you chose this. You didn’t choose your skin or body type, but you chose what you did with them. You chose not to exercise or eat healthy. You chose to put the wrong people before yourself, and worse, before God. You chose not to manage and take care of what God has given you, including your body. You chose to focus on what was wrong with your life rather than being grateful for what you have.”

  “Like what? What do I have that I’m supposed to be so grateful for, huh?”

  “You have problems that can be easily fixed, Phoenix. So many people have to deal with things they can never overcome without a miracle right from Heaven. Thank God you only have issues that can be fixed with a little prayer, hard work, and dedication. You may have a few pounds to lose, but isn’t that better than being born with some disfigurement or handicap? Thank God for sparing you from living a life blind or deaf or mute. How about the fact that all your limbs are intact? You complain about your relationship with your mother, but how about thanking Him for allowing you to have a mother? So many don’t even have that! At least you have a chance to allow Him to make things right between you both. You say you fail, but when He sends you help, you reject it.”

  Phoenix rolled her eyes but remained silent.

  He continued. “And as far as relationships are concerned, you went looking for love in all of these different places. You tried to win it, buy it, earn it, plead for it, analyze it, and create it. Did you ever think about accepting love that is being offered to you, rather than trying to get it from sources that cannot provide love to you? You are searching for love from men that only want to use you, from friends that drain you, and from a mother that does love you, but is too broken to show you right now. How about the love God is ready to show you right now?”

  Phoenix looked away in a huff.

  “He’s not asking you to buy Him things or pay His bills or solve His problems or look a certain way before He can love you. He is simply offering you His love, through Jesus. He is offering you a love that He sacrificed to give you, rather than asking you to sacrifice to receive it. All He does ask you for is your trust in Him. To admit you need Him. To acknowledge that you believe that He loved you enough to send His Son to die on the cross. To believe He can heal all of this brokenness, foolishness, and selfishness you’ve been living through and contributing to. That’s what real love is, Phoenix. And you’re choosing again to cast it away.”

  Phoenix breathed through the pain his words were causing to rise up within her. She didn’t want to lash out, couldn’t even if she wanted to.

  But it just seemed too easy.

  “Paulo,” she said, pushing away to look at him. “I can’t buy this, Man. It seems like you have all the answers but I can’t roll with them just like that. Yes, I can admit to making horrible choices, and not fighting to achieve the goals I have for myself. But again, God allowed it to be hard. Why create me to have to fight through my issues? Why not just spare me these issues in the first place?”

  “I can’t answer those questions, Phoenix. God can, if you choose to ask Him. All I know is that we have free will. He gives us a life and has a plan for it. If we choose to do things our own way, there are consequences. If you do things His way, you are spared many of the painful struggles you could avoid. But like I said, if you accept His love, His mercy, His gift of salvation now, it’s not too late to allow Him to turn your life around.”

  “And how do I do that, Paulo? Repent? Admit I am a sinner? Ask Jesus to be my Lord and Savior? Yeah, I’ve heard it all before. Been there, done that, and got the tee shirt! I know the drill, but then what?”

  “What do you mean ‘then what?’ What then is that you allow God to take control of your life. Your pray and you fight. You let Him lead you to achieve all the goals and purposes and plans He has for you. You give Him your struggles and wait on Him to help you in His way.”

  “And then what? Go through another failure? Hmmm? Admit that even with God’s help, everything I’ve ever wanted is impossible? Is that what?”

  “Luke 1:37 says that nothing is impossible with God.”

  “The Bible also says to ask and you shall receive. If that’s the case, how come my prayers did nothing to help me, huh? You don’t think I’ve prayed? Begged? Pleaded? You don’t think I’ve gone to church seeking Him and His help?”

  “Did you ever go to church or pray to seek Him or just His help?”

  Phoenix froze, unsure. She knew what Paulo was driving at, but she wasn’t quite ready to take the ride. She jumped up and paced. “Yeah, well, what in the world is the difference? Besides, you didn’t answer my question. What about the Bible saying ‘ask and ye shall receive?’”

  “The Bible also says, ‘seek ye the kingdom of Heaven first and all things shall be added unto you,’” Paulo countered, as he stood to retrieve his own glass of iced tea. “I believe if you seek God first, meaning come to Him, build your relationship with Him through Christ, He will give you the desires of your heart, at least the ones that are according to His will.”

  “And what if it isn’t His will to help me get past these failures?”

  “Then He will help you set new goals…the goals He set for you long ago.”

  “And just like that, I will suddenly have the life I want.”

  Paulo almost spit out his tea and began to chuckle. “Who said that? I know there are some preachers that say differently, but God isn’t a genie who stands ready to grant your wishes. He’s not your employee either. He is the living, sovereign God who causes His purpose to happen no matter what. You want to be really happy? Seek God. Seek His plan for your life. Let what you want become what He wants, and then you will have a life you can’t even imagine. Will there be challenges? Of course! We live in a world that is pretty much full of darkness. We live with attacks from the devil
all the time. And there are times when God tests us, to make us stronger and better. So life will not be easy. But it will be right. And you will have peace, Phoenix. You’ll have a peace that surpasses all understanding.”

  Phoenix sat down and stared at her wall for a long while, trying to find a way to refute, rebut, resist…reestablish control over the conversation, but she had lost control a long time ago. She wanted to scoff at Paulo’s words but could not.

  “What are you thinking Phoenix?” Paulo had reclaimed his place by her side.

  “I don’t know. I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t think you really understand what I feel.”

  “Try me.”

  “You have no idea what it’s like for me. Nothing I do ever seems like the right thing. It’s not just my body issues or issues with my looks. It’s my work, my education, and every single one of my relationships. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to achieve. You say God can help me. But I don’t know how. I know that He can, but I don’t know if he cares enough to help me, especially after all the things I’ve done wrong.”

  “Oh, Hun, why would you ever think He wouldn’t want to help you?”

  “Because He hasn’t!”

  “But you are still here, Phoenix. You are still trying. You are still working, still in school, still living. That’s God’s help right there.”

  “But I keep failing.” Tears threatened to fall from her eyes again but she blinked them away. “I hear you about God. But if only God could help me get past myself. I’m in my own way and I don’t know why I’m blocking my own path. It’s like there is a brick wall surrounding my life. I try to get along with my family—brick wall. I try to move forward in my career—brick wall. I try to finish my education—brick wall. I try to lose weight, eat healthy, dress well—brick wall. I try to love and be loved—brick wall. No matter what I try to do, no matter how I try to do it, no matter how much I pray through it, I always fall short.”

  Paulo grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Oh, Phoenix, please don’t—”