But he had.
So after allowing the shock and dismay to wear off, he allowed the joy and relief to set in. “I said, I am so in love with you. I think I fell in love with you right from the beginning, Phoenix. I love you with all my heart.”
Phoenix struggled to see Paulo’s eyes, but they blurred in the river of tears flowing down her cheeks. Instead she focused on using a napkin to clean up the soda that was now everywhere. She struggled to speak but could not. She could not believe that God had loved her enough to send a handsome, kind, successful, spiritual man like Paulo to love her. She couldn’t believe all of the blessings in her life. And she knew, in her heart, that she didn’t deserve God or Paulo. Not yet anyway. She was filled with a dangerous need that she just couldn’t let go of, no matter how much God worked in her spirit and Paulo worked on her heart.
Why can’t I just let the past go? She cried silently. I can’t tell him how I feel about him. It wouldn’t be fair unless I solve this issue first.
Paulo watched Phoenix as she cried. He didn’t know if he should reach over to hold her or let her experience her tears. He eagerly awaited Phoenix to speak when she was ready. He couldn’t wait to hear her say the words he had been longing for her to say.
“I—” Phoenix faltered. I love you, Paulo, the words tried in vain to push past Phoenix’s clenched teeth.
Paulo leaned forward eagerly. Oh, how he would be full with those words!
But after Phoenix’s tears had dried, the words did not come.
The light in Paulo’s eyes faded away as he struggled against disappointment. He believed with every word, look, kiss, touch, and smile that Phoenix felt the same exact way.
So why hadn’t she responded?
Phoenix, however, chose to stare down so hard at her ribs, that someone watching would have thought she had never seen a rib before.
Why doesn’t she say something, God? Paulo thought frantically. Am I wrong in believing she feels the same way? Is she scared? What’s holding her back?
An image of her crying in the park, telling her what Cedric had done to her, formed in his mind’s eye.
No way. After all this time, I don’t think she’s still holding on to Cedric, is she? Does she still love him?
Paulo’s eyes narrowed. No way would he go through this again. He couldn’t bear to love another woman that could not love him the way he needed. No way could he go through losing another woman with whom he wanted to spend his life.
God, You wouldn’t put her into my life, and allow these feelings to grow, if You were going to take her away, would You?
But the Lord did not answer that time.
Phoenix continued to stare at her plate, methodically picking at the ribs that had lost their appeal.
Lord, Paulo prayed, please don’t let me continue to love her if You’re not going to allow me to have her. I know she has yet to return to You. Is that what is holding her back? Please, Lord, remove all obstacles keeping her from You. And when You’re ready, please remove all obstacles keeping her from me. You told me she would be my wife, didn’t You?
But the Lord did not answer that time either.
But from His place on the throne, God commanded the test to begin.
And the Holy Spirit moved, commanding the Spirit of Truth to descend upon them.
And Satan walked right to their table and began to command his army to throw up a wall blocking their communication. Fear came and began to whisper to Paulo. Bitterness came to remind Phoenix of her plans for revenge. Pride touched both of them.
And as the angels of darkness drew their swords, the angels of Light drew theirs.
The Spirit watched and moved Paulo to pray.
Paulo excused himself from a silent, stoic Phoenix and rushed to the restroom. Every nerve of his body was tingling and every inch of his stomach was churning. He had to get to the bathroom.
Locking himself into a stall, Paulo remained silent for a moment, getting his bearings. Something had happened. What, he had no idea. Had he angered God for professing his love to a woman who had walked away and still had yet to return to His Kingdom? Wasn’t God married to the backslider? Technically, they were at different places spiritually, but wasn’t Phoenix on her way back to the Lord?
He wanted to pray but was afraid. What if he discovered that what he had believed was false? Could he bear another disappointment with a woman he loved?
As the Spirit nudged Paulo to pray, Fear whispered to Paulo about his deceased wife. Thoughts began to form and plant roots in his mind, stretching and connecting to the roots that had lain hidden in his heart. Paulo remembered that the wife that he had prayed for, and longed for, and fought for, had committed suicide while he was out talking to the very God that took her.
Who was to say that God wouldn’t take Phoenix away while he prayed for her, just as He had chosen to do with Elizabeth?
I am here, My son. Cast your burdens unto Me and I will sustain you. I never let the righteous fall…
The famous words of Psalm 55:22 pounded against Paulo’s raging mind.
But Fear and Pride spoke into his heart.
The Spirit continued to nudge Paulo, urging him to pray.
“Father…” Paulo began.
Then the demon named Unbelief stepped in and decided to help.
Did God help your wife? Why should you believe that He will help Phoenix? You’ve prayed enough. Now it’s time for you to protect yourself before you get hurt again.
“No,” Paulo whispered, swallowing his tears. “No. God has always…”
Always disappointed you when it came to love. For some reason, He has given you all that you can ask for—He gave you a business, the blessing of doing what you love and being successful at it. You own your own building and your dream car. You are in the best health in your life. But for some reason, God won’t give you the most important desire in your heart…
“Love,” Paulo said. “I’ve never been blessed with love from a woman that could be my wife.”
Pride stepped in. What more can you do for God to bless your relationship? You’ve sacrificed your time, energy, finances, and given all that you could. You’ve done enough praying. God is either going to answer or not. If He wants Phoenix to be with you, He has to handle it. You have nothing more to give.
So in anger, Paulo left the stall.
The Holy Spirit was grieving as He watched His son leave.
Watching Phoenix at the table with her head down, Paulo wanted to storm over to her and demand to know what her problem was. As Pride manipulated Paulo’s heart, he raged. He had done all that he could for her. He had treated her like a queen. He had helped her with her weight problems and bought her things she could not afford to buy herself. He had romanced her in every possible way and still respected her space. He had been the perfect gentleman. What more could he do? How dare she not appreciate him for who he was and what he had done?
How could she continue to pine away after the man who had broken her heart?
Walking slowly to the table, Paulo struggled to slake the fires that were building in his heart, knowing that his wounded self-esteem could cause his tongue to set his life on fire. He sat down in silence and waited.
And when she looked up at his with her beautiful brown eyes, red-rimmed with unshed tears, that same raging heart threatened to break in two.
Pride struggled to shout at Paulo, but his mind was trapped in Phoenix’s beautiful eyes. She looked so innocent and fearful, like a small child who had been warned by her daddy not to play with a priceless heirloom, only to do so, and break it. Her look was expectant as though she were waiting for her punishment.
Paulo longed to reach out to her but his hand felt like there was a ten-ton boulder sitting on top of it. He stared at her as she stared at him. Knowing there was no way to restore what had been stolen from them on this night, he closed his eyes and finally turned to the Lord.
Father, Paulo prayed, as Phoenix continued to look on, I need You no
w. I feel horrible right now, Lord. I feel like something is happening and I have no control over it. I just told her I loved her and she didn’t even respond. I am so angry because I feel rejected. I asked You if I was wrong about her and You didn’t choose to answer. I am so confused and I don’t know how I got here, because everything was going beautifully, until I decided to open my big mouth about my feelings. Is this because we are unequally yoked? I thought since she was being called that you were also preparing her for me. Was I wrong in pursuing this? I don’t have the answers and I don’t want to continue jumping to conclusions. I am asking You, Lord, to step in. I am praying You have Your way tonight. Let the truth come forward and let Your will be done between us. Regardless of our relationship, Lord, I ask for Phoenix to return and rededicate her life to You. I ask that You heal her heart of her pain and please heal me of the anger I still feel about Liz. Forgive me for my sins and Phoenix for hers. I love You, even when I can’t get my way. In Jesus Name, I pray, Amen. Oh, and thanks, God.
When he looked back up, Phoenix gave a weak smile. “You done?”
“Done what?” Paulo asked as he picked up a cold rib from his plate.
“Praying” Phoenix answered, as she also picked up a rib and bit into its cold meat.
“Not even close, I guess,” Paulo answered. He wanted to reach out to hold her free hand but felt awkward even thinking about it.
“What were you praying about?” Phoenix asked, desperate to reach out to him, but suddenly feeling out of sorts.
“Nothing,” Paulo frowned. He longed to connect to her, but felt as though Phoenix were still in New York and he were trying to speak to her from a tiny village in Tokyo.
“Okay…” Phoenix frowned back. She was dismayed that Paulo was shutting her out. He had never, since the day he first met her, shut her out.
And the wall became thicker between them.
Phoenix and Paulo continued to eat in silence, barely tasting the cold, soda-soaked ribs.
After a few minutes, Paulo’s cell phone rang. “I wouldn’t normally answer on our…outing, but it’s Cara.”
Phoenix shrugged. Paulo fumed.
“Hey, Cara. What’s up?” He tried to keep the dead pan of frustration from his voice. He listened for a few minutes. “Yeah, me too. I don’t know why, but thanks for doing that. Tell James thanks also.” He paused for a moment, listening, and then let off a sigh, running his fingers through his hair. “Yeah, well, I will. I don’t know for sure what it could be, but I am getting a good idea. Okay, thanks. God bless you guys, bye.”
He stared at Phoenix for several minutes as though she were the answers to a set of difficult math questions.
Before she could ask about Cara, Paulo stood up with the bill that had long since been placed on the table. “Listen, why don’t we get out of here? I’m tired from a long day and church and I’m sure you feel the same way, so…” he walked away to pay the check.
Phoenix sat there, blinking. Her annoyance was slowly building, like a newly lit fire someone had struck with a rock and two sticks. If Paulo continued to heap sticks on it, that fire would build and they would both get burned. “God, what in the world is happening here?”
Pray, the Spirit whispered the word that was a faint breeze caressing her ear.
Phoenix looked around and back at Paulo who was on the checkout line
Pray, the Spirit’s voice was faint, distant, like someone calling her from another room with thick walls. But she could hear Him.
Father God I come before you asking for help. Please forgive me and Paulo for whatever is going on that we caused. I don’t know what to do but suddenly things have taken a wrong turn. I am sure it is my fault. I didn’t want to tell him how I felt until this thing with Cedric was resolved. Please help us and this relationship. I am sorry for keeping You waiting to do my own thing, but I don’t know what else to do. Please help us, in Jesus’s Name. Amen.
When Paulo returned, his frown had deepened. He wanted to hold out his hand and help her out of her chair, or pull it out for her at the very least, but he had no desire to do so. Still, the gentleman he had been raised to be could not be restrained. He pulled out her chair so quickly, though, that she could have slipped off had she not kept her balance.
Phoenix cast a look at him and threw him a dry, “Gee, thanks, Man.”
Paulo stormed towards the exit of the restaurant. Even as he did, he could not figure out why he was treating her so badly. Okay, so she wasn’t ready to say the words. Big deal. Men were supposed to lead anyway, weren’t they? Women should be a bit of a challenge, right? Didn’t Jacob work fourteen years to marry Rachel? Didn’t the Word say that those years seemed like days to Jacob because of his love for her? So what if Phoenix wasn’t ready to respond. Did that give him the right to treat her like anything other than a lady? From the time he was a young boy in Brazil, he had been raised by strong women, and a father, who wanted him to learn how to treat women. He had never walked ahead of her when they traveled together. Now he was halfway out to the street and she was just leaving the table.
And the worse part of it was that if felt as though he were watching himself do these horrendous things but couldn’t stop if he tried.
God, what is wrong with me? Why am I so angry with her? I did this before to her, that first week we were working out, didn’t I? That was the day I thought you told me she would be my wife. Why am I pushing her away again?
With a strength that was not his own, Paulo stopped and waited for Phoenix to catch up. When she did, she threw him a tight-lipped look before moving past him out the door. She stalked to the car and waited for him from her perch on the passenger side.
As they settled into the car, Phoenix asked Paulo in a dead voice, “So what did Cara want?”
“She called to see if we were alright. She said that when she and James got home from church this evening, they began praying for us in tongues and didn’t know why.”
Phoenix snorted. “Yeah, we need all the prayers we can get right about now.” She turned to the window and shut out further conversation.
Jesus help us, Paulo petitioned silently.
Paulo was at a loss, but what he didn’t know was that those three words were just enough to tip the scales in the battle.
The angels of the Lord raised their swords and rend the wall of darkness blocking their communication and affection.
The Spirit commanded Truth to have its way between them.
The enemy saw Truth making its way, and commanded Discord to block Truth’s efforts.
“He uses Truth is to build up, but I will use it to tear down,” Discord vowed to Truth before taking its post between them.
It was after eleven when Phoenix and Paulo arrived at her building ten minutes after leaving the restaurant. When Paulo spotted a parking space close to her building, he quickly claimed it.
“Thank you, Jesus!” he exclaimed, relieved that the Lord provided a space close to midnight in West Harlem. “And it’s close to my house. Last night I had to park three blocks away.”
“You’re parking here?” Phoenix asked in a shrill voice. The anger towards Paulo overtook her. She was shocked at how annoyed she was because he was parking near her building.
“Looks that way, doesn’t it?” Paulo snapped, raising an eyebrow at her.
“Why would you park here?” Phoenix snapped back. “You live around the corner.”
“I know where I live, Phoenix. I’ve known my address longer than I’ve known you.”
“You don’t know me, Paulo,” she snarled. “You obviously don’t know me at all.” With that she unsnapped her seat belt, opened the door, stormed out, and left the door wide open.
Paulo jumped out, came to the other side, kicked his door shut, and stormed up the steps after her. “You are right, I don’t know you at all.”
“You must not know me, ‘cause if you knew me, you would know not to keep messing with me,” she hissed as she stormed into the building.
&n
bsp; He came after her waiting until the elevator came and they got onto it. “I don’t know you, huh?”
“Obviously not, Paulo.”
“Oh!” Paulo let out a nasty chuckle as they stepped off the elevator. “I don’t know you, eh? His next words were decorated with his thicker accent, tinted by frustration, and highlighted with a growl, “You’re right. I don’t know you at all. I guess that’s why it’s so strange to me that I spent the last few months trying to clean up the messes you’ve made in your life.”
Phoenix’s mouth dropped as she fell back against the wall in the hallway. “What?”
“You just told me I don’t know you, correct? So why am I here? Why am I constantly helping you, taking care of you, working with you? Why did I fall I love with you, tell you, only to have you look at me like I am a fool?” Paulo sneered. “No, I don’t know you at all.”
“So!” Phoenix yelled, as she flung open the door to her apartment. “I guess that is what makes you such a great Christian, Paulo. So full of salt! You do something for someone and throw it back in their face when things don’t go your way.”
Pray, my son. Leave the room and pray.
But Paulo shoved the voice of the Spirit away like a bully on the school yard. He was sick of this mess. Discord jumped onto his back as Truth struggled to touch his heart. “No, I don’t usually throw things in people’s faces. I am just sick of this!”
“Sick of what?” Phoenix shouted.
“Sick of taking care of weak women who are too stubborn to do what they have to do!”
“Weak?” Phoenix’s blood drained from her face. “You’re calling me weak?”
“And for what?” Paulo continued as Discord manipulated Truth’s efforts. “For you to get guys like me, who have a weakness for helping people, to fall in love with you, only to destroy everything with your foolish plans and ideas? I am sick of this! I should have never loved you!”
And the words left his mouth before Paulo could stop them. He stood shocked as he watched the woman he loved crumble before his eyes.
Phoenix was sobbing and shaking her head. “I knew it. You don’t care about me! You feel sorry for me. You’re doing all this to make yourself feel good about your efforts. I was just a sad case that you felt you could save, since you couldn’t save your wife. That’s what this is about. You don’t care about me at all. I am such an idiot to think someone like you could ever love me!”
The Makeover Page 29