Oh God, what have I done? Please help me, Paulo cried out from his heart, watching the woman he loved helplessly. Please, God. Please help.
And the Lord heard His plea.
The Holy Spirit of God began to command His angels to move Discord out of Truth’s way.
Phoenix’s throat closed up with unshed tears as she collapsed in a heap on her sofa. He thinks I’m weak? He feels sorry for me. I knew it. He doesn’t want to love me. Why did he say that stuff about foolish plans? Maybe he said that because he knows my plan for Cedric?
Paulo watched, unable to physically open his mouth to say another word. He had spoken the darkest, most hidden thoughts in his heart. He had not known that he had continued to hold on to such thoughts in the first place. After all his time with Christ, his heart was still so full of so much bitterness and evil that he was staggered. He had no idea what to do. There was nothing he could say to take back the words he had spoken out loud.
“Jesus,” he whispered, as he watched the tears form in Phoenix’s dazed eyes and slip down her cheeks. Gingerly, he walked over to her place on the couch and knelt before her. “I am so sorry, Phoenix. I really don’t know what is going on with me. I had no right to say those things to you. I didn’t mean—”
Phoenix flinched when Paulo’s hand landed on her leg. She moved away. “Yes you did, Paulo. Yes you did. And you’re right. I am glad the truth is out, though.”
“No, Phoenix, I was boasting and—”
“No, Man. You’re right about me,” Phoenix whispered. She kept moving away from each touch that Paulo placed on her. Finally he sat down next to her and collected her stiff body into his arms.
“I am so sorry,” Paulo whispered, his eyes tearing up as well. “I am so sorry,” he repeated, over and over.
After a time of rocking Phoenix and quieting her sobs, he whispered the one thing that made sense the first time during that evening. “We need to pray together, Phoenix. After what Cara said, and all this, I know that something strange is happening here.”
Phoenix did not have the strength to process or respond. So Paulo, being the man who loved her, in spite of his frailties, was strong for her while she was weak.
“Father,” Paulo began in a tearful voice, “I have no idea what is happening. We have never argued like this and said such cruel things to each other. I can still be an ill-tempered jerk, but what I said was horrendous and was not of You. I ask for your forgiveness for my harsh words and anger and bitterness. Lord, I ask you to also forgive Phoenix for engaging in this argument as well. Please take control of the remainder of our time together. Please lead us in clearing the air and let truth prevail tonight. Please lead us in sharing the truth in a way that builds up and not tear down. Unblock our communication…Holy Spirit, please lead in me in praying the rest,” he trailed off, choked up with emotion and tears.
After a few minutes, the Spirit led Paulo to pray in a loud, booming voice that surprised Phoenix. He spoke with an authority that could only be given by the Spirit of God. “I command all forces of darkness coming between us to go back to the pits of hell right now, in the mighty Name of Jesus Christ. I command all Discord, Strife, Anger, Fear, Bitterness, and Pride to be cast down in Jesus’s Name. I ask for mercy, oh Lord, that You would lead us in the battle before us right now. I ask You for mercy. I ask You for mercy!” he cried as the Spirit became a fire burning his spirit. “I ask You right now to heal the damage we have done. If we are being tested, we will stand on the Word that we will not fail. I ask for everything standing between You and Phoenix to be cast down right now in the Name of Jesus. I ask for everything hindering my own growth as a Christian to be cast down right now in the Name of Jesus! I command every mountain between us to be moved and cast into the sea in the Name of Jesus Christ! Nothing can be declared crooked that God has declared straight! Straighten us out, oh Lord! In Jesus Name!”
And they cried out to the Lord, while Holy Spirit finally had His way. They felt the tingles and the power of His presence as they received His ministering to their hearts. They could not see the angels fighting each other, the Spirit of God healing them, or the enemy gnashing his teeth trying to find a new way to tempt them. All they knew was that right then, at least, a small victory had been won. Truth began to work between them in the open spaces of their communication.
They had no idea that the battle was not over.
Paulo finally asked, in a tearful voice, “And please, God, turn whatever had been meant for evil around for our good, in Jesus’s Name.”
Chapter 23
You may think you can condemn such people, but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things (Romans 2:1)
“Sweet Lord,” Phoenix breathed, shuddering, as she dried her tears. When she got her bearings again, several minutes later, she whispered, “I can’t believe all that, Paulo. I just can’t believe you said all that to me. I know you couldn’t have possibly loved me with my being so…”
Paulo, whose own eyes were puffed up and filled with regret, grabbed her hands. “Phoenix, listen to me. I am in so very much in love with you. I am. I love you, Baby—”
Phoenix continued to shake her head. “No you don’t ‘cause—”
Paulo held her cheeks with both his hands and forced her to look deep into his golden eyes. “Baby, I am in love with you. And I am sorry. I know I can’t take it back, or excuse my tone. I am sorry for being disrespectful to you in my anger and the way I spoke to you. I am sorry and I love you. But please, realize that there was some truth to what I said.”
“Oh, you mean about my being weak? Or was it when you said that you’re sick of weak women who are stubborn and mess things up?” Phoenix retorted with narrowed eyes.
Ruefully, Paulo nodded as he looked away. “I am not trying to be judgmental or lash out at you. I don’t have any excuse for what I said or how I said it. My bad temper still gets the best of me when I am pushed too far. I am not perfect. All I know that we need to clear the air here, before we tear our…whatever this is apart. First, I have to ask. Will you please forgive me for hurting you?”
Phoenix searched his eyes and waited for some instinct to kick in. Should she trust him? Hadn’t people hurt her before and apologized, only to turn around and do it again? She was sick of the hurt-Phoenix-then-apologize-then-hurt-Phoenix-again cycle she always found herself locked into whenever she opened her heart to someone. She looked away, refusing to answer.
He turned her face back to his with a finger under her chin. “Phoenix, I said I was sorry. Please forgive me for how I spoke to you. Will you, Baby?”
Her heart melted as she looked into his tender eyes. Someone should outlaw that word as a weapon of mass destruction. How many women have been destroyed behind that word?
“Baby?” Paulo leaned forward until his forehead touched hers. His eyes, now a greenish-blue, bore down on hers. “Please?”
Phoenix sucked her teeth and pulled away. “But why? Why did you treat me like that? Even before we argued in the car, you were being shady with me in the restaurant. What happened?”
Paulo sighed. “I apologized Phoenix, what else do you want?”
“I want you to tell me what happened. Be honest with me,” Phoenix stood up.
“I want you to be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you.” Paulo followed her and wrapped his arms around her from behind, kissing her earlobe and the spot behind her ear. She leaned against him, immediately filled with a yearning that filled every part of her with liquid warmth. She turned to kiss him, deepening the kiss until they were both aching with dangerous need.
“No,” Paulo breathed, stepping back from Phoenix. “We’ve already gotten into trouble tonight. We don’t need more. Please sit with me and talk to me.”
In spite of her ill feelings, Phoenix was still trembling with a fire she could not quench. It would have been easier if he just
made out with her. She would have felt better. She wasn’t used to talking things out in her relationships. She wasn’t used to receiving an apology when she was hurt. She was used to being ignored or being given grudging intimacy to shut her up. She never once actually resolved things with Cedric whenever they’d had conflict. After confronting Cedric about his actions, Phoenix would be filled with such fear that he would leave her, that she would quickly back down, or try to initiate intimacy to make up with him. Cedric would go along with the intimacy, acting as though he was doing Phoenix a favor. And she would be so grateful for his attentions, that she would forget all about the thing he had done to hurt her in the first place. She never had a man care that he had hurt her before. She never felt she had the right to draw the lines of boundaries in her previous relationships. What right did she have to demand respect when they were giving her a chance in the first place? She realized then, with a renewed hope, that perhaps Paulo did actually love her. Maybe she was actually experiencing a love that she, as a woman, did not have to work so hard for. Phoenix understood that it wasn’t always going to be easy, but maybe she didn’t have to sell her soul to get it or keep it.
She now understood the difference between her past relationships and one led by God.
Paulo stood, waiting for Phoenix to decide to sit and talk to him. He was nervous. He’d never had a committed relationship with a woman who had the mental capacity to discuss the difficult things. Sure they had a horrible argument, but Phoenix was in her right mind. There was no paranoia, mood swings, fear of long-term depression, or suicidal thoughts to contend with. He did have to watch her feelings and respect her, but he didn’t have to fear pushing Phoenix over the edge. In spite of her frailties, Phoenix was strong enough to handle difficult conflict. Of course, Paulo knew that he did still have to be delivered from his fiery temper and would spend more time in prayer and fasting about it. However, he’d never before experienced intense communication, with a woman he loved, that allowed issues to be resolved through discussion, rather than hospitalization.
She reluctantly sat on one corner of the couch as he took his place on the other. “What do you want me to be honest about?” she asked finally.
Paulo closed his eyes as the humiliation he felt earlier washed over him. It took everything in him to shut out the voices telling him he was a fool, that he was begging for her love, and that he should not have to beg for something in return that he had given freely. He struggled against his pride. Father, help me to speak from my heart and not worry about my ego.
“Paulo, what is it?” Phoenix snapped. “I’m over these dramatic pauses already!”
Paulo’s eyes snapped open.
“See!” Paulo jumped up. “That’s what I’m saying. You want to rile up the situation and then get upset when you receive the response you were searching for. Why are you talking to me like that? Don’t talk to me that way. I am trying to figure out how to open up to you and you give me sarcasm. I am struggling with my own temper and you keep igniting it. Don’t do it, if you don’t want to get burned, Phoenix!”
“No, you don’t play with fire if you want to avoid an explosion! I have had people taking advantage of my kindness all of my life. I am not about to let it happen again with you. I know you probably feel I should be grateful that someone like you took such a liking to me, for whatever reason, but I am not going to go there with you. You don’t get to treat me like crap just because you are so attractive, while I wasn’t, and you gave me a chance. I may owe you for helping me out, but I am not going to owe you for wanting to date me. I may not look like much but I have a lot to offer in here!” Phoenix said, jabbing at the place over her heart. “And in here!” She jabbed at her temple. “And I am not going to let you treat me however you want just because you’re handsome and—”
Paulo stared at Phoenix. “What are you talking about? What are in the world are you insinuating? Listen to me. I am not Cedric, okay? I have never held your weight against you or your looks. I never mistreated you because of how you look. I liked you right away. The only thing I felt was that you needed to be healthy and feel good about yourself. I never held how you looked against you. You did enough of that on your own anyway.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Phoenix shouted. “You are no different than Cedric. Why else would you say what you said about being sick of weak women?”
Paulo ran his hand through his hair, throwing his curls in various directions. “I have no idea what’s going on here, but we both need to calm down. I asked you to forgive me for what I said. I am sorry. Clearly things are still troubling me about my past. And clearly things are still troubling you about your own past!” Paulo struggled to lower his voice. “I guess that’s why you didn’t say anything when I told you that I am in love with you. You just ignored me and I felt like such a fool. I lashed out at you because I didn’t understand how I could open myself up to you so much, and try so hard to win your heart—”
Phoenix gasped. “Win my heart? Why would you feel you need to win my heart? I mean, look at me and look at you!”
Paulo threw up his hands. “Why are you still saying that stuff? This doesn’t have anything to do with our looks! When are you going to figure that out? First of all, you are beautiful. You needed to lose some weight. So what? Big deal! You act like you had a tree branch growing out of your back. Come on! I’m decent looking, I guess, but you act like I am a god or something. I am not God, a god, or even all that good. God has done a lot of work on me and I am still not where I need to be as a Christian or as a man. I have a horrible temper—still after walking with Christ for years! I literally have to speak scriptures to it all day just walking through the streets of New York City. I have a pride thing going on too. It’s hard for me to relinquish control. After nine years of celibacy, I can also be overcome with lust, which is why it is time for me to get married and…”
When Phoenix’s eyes got so wide they looked like they would fall out of her head, he paused. “Never mind the lust thing. My point is that I have lots of flaws. And each time God reveals and heals a flaw, He exposes another one. And I do have tons of physical flaws as well. I have the ugliest feet that anyone—”
Phoenix snorted. “Feet? Really?”
Paulo laughed, removed his shoe and sock, and pointed. “See! They look like boulders with toe carvings in them. I ran the jungles of Brazil barefoot for years. My mother was too poor to always get me shoes that fit, and I was an athlete as a teen here, plus I run now. No matter how many pedicures I’ve had, they are just ugly.”
Phoenix giggled as Paulo put on his sock and shoe. “Yeah, they look like you’ve been kicking rocks. Wow, was that a bunion I saw? And I think one of your toe nails is dead, Man.”
“I know. And as a man, I think my butt is too round because—”
Phoenix swallowed. “Uh uh. That thing is just fine, ask any girl out there.”
“And—” Paulo hid a grin as he bent down and pointed at his hairline. “I was balding before. After my wife died, my hairline was suddenly at the back of my neck! I went and joined one of those hair clubs for men!”
Phoenix covered her mouth with her hands. “You’re a client of one of those places?”
Paulo nodded, with wide eyes. “Yes! Cara dragged me to one of their offices kicking and screaming. I went through several sessions for hair transplants. Cost me thousands.”
“Really?”
Paulo nodded again. “It’s my own hair. Feels natural, doesn’t it?”
“I had no idea,” Phoenix said, running her hands through his curls.
“And my skin is prone to breakouts as well. I used to get these horrendous razor bumps that turned red. I had to wear a beard for years. Cara also convinced me to see a dermatologist and to have facials every week. I stopped using my own razor and see a barber every couple days to shave, which is why I am not clean-shaven today. Now my skin is clear. But you should have seen the mess! Women wouldn’t even look at my face when speaking t
o me. They spoke to my neck or shoulder. It was horrible. Some of us have to work hard to look our best, Phoenix. It’s not just you. It’s just that we have to take care of the bodies God gave us.”
Phoenix knew he had been large in a former life, but it was still difficult to picture the lesser attractive Paulo with his additional flaws. As she watched this tall, muscular, smooth-skinned, golden-hued man, she wrinkled her nose and figured he had to be lying.
“You’ve already seen how large I allowed myself to become, so I understand struggles with weight. How can I judge anyone for their flaws when I have so many of my own? I am not perfect. I am perfectly Paulo because it’s how God chose to make me.” Paulo touched Phoenix’s cheek. “That’s why I get so frustrated when you put yourself down, like you’re some piece of garbage that I need to scrape off my shoe. The physical things you wanted to change were easy. You’ve already changed about eighty percent of it.”
Phoenix sighed. “But I am nowhere near—”
“Just stop it. If you want to focus on not being near something, then focus on this: Why haven’t you gotten closer to God? You once gave your life to Him and backslid. Fine. I get it. It happens. And I am not asking because I want you to get saved for me. I am asking because I am a Christian and I am called to share the truth with you. Why are you wasting time? You have been coming to church for several weeks, praying with me daily, coming to the Bible studies. Yet, each time you feel led to return to him, you stop yourself.”
“How do you know that? I haven’t—”
“Don’t bother, Phoenix. I know He’s calling you back to Himself. I see it in your eyes when we go to church. You know you want to go to the altar, but you stop each time. When I encourage you to return to him in our prayer time, you hesitate. Why? How many chances do you think He’ll give you? Each time He calls and you don’t answer, you are giving the enemy a stronger chance to pull you away for good. God has gone all out, clearing out the people you had no business being involved with. He has answered your prayers, if I do say so myself. Why are you still pushing Him away?”
The Makeover Page 30