Phoenix was not prepared for the turn in the conversation. “Paulo, I don’t know.”
Paulo sucked his teeth. “Don’t give me that, Phoenix. First you push Him away when He shows you how much He loves you. Then, you push me away when I tell you I love you too. Unless you don’t feel the same way, please tell me what’s going on with you?”
Phoenix looked down at her shoes.
“Look at me!” Paulo roared with narrowed eyes.
Her head snapped up.
“I want you to tell me what is going on. What in the world is holding you back?”
Phoenix’s eyes became frantic, shifting from right to left, as though a feasible answer was hidden in the corners of her apartment. “What about that thing you said about you waiting on me? After we walked home the first time I went to your Bible study? What about that?”
“What about that, Phoenix? That was, like, months ago. If you were not ready, I would not pressure you. Heck, I’ve been praying for my own mother for almost ten years. You think I push her like this? No! I don’t because she is not anywhere near ready. I pray for her and place her in God’s hands. But you’re ready. You’ve been ready, Phoenix. You hear the Lord knocking on your heart and you’re shutting Him out. I fall in love with you. God sends me to you and you shut me out when I open up to you. What is going on?”
Phoenix wrung her hands. “My relationship with the Lord has nothing to do with my relationship with you,” she said, stalling.
“You know what? You’re wrong. Your relationship with God is separate and comes first—and it must come first above all things. However, my relationship with you cannot go further if you do not allow yourself to have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. If you don’t choose Him, then I can’t choose you. But I will say this: if I had to give up a relationship with you, the woman I am in love with, in order for you to have a relationship with the Lord, I would.”
“What do you mean?” Phoenix gasped.
“I mean that I am in love with you. I mean that if God allows it, I could see myself marrying you one day—if you would have me. I mean that I love you more and more each day. But having said that, if I had to lose you, never see you again, in order for you to have a relationship with Christ, I would. I would give you up so you could have God. I want you to be saved more than I want you for myself. I love you that much. It’s not only because I need to put Him first but also because you need to put Him first. That is why your relationship with the Lord is directly related to your relationship to me. He will not play second to anybody. And, frankly, I wouldn’t be able to marry a woman who does not love the Lord. You don’t have to be perfect, but you have to be His. And I pray so much that you will become His again that I would give up anything between us to see that you were with Him again.”
“Are you for real?” Phoenix began to pace. “Why would you have to give me up in order for me to have a relationship with God?”
Paulo shrugged. “I don’t know. I thought maybe I was holding you back. Like, maybe you were doing this because of me and not because you want God for yourself.”
“Paulo, I mean, I don’t even know what to say at this point. I have never had this type of conversation in my entire life.”
“Maybe that’s the problem. When you give your life to Jesus, it means just that. He’s not some guy that did something over two thousand years ago and is watching from his spot on the right hand side. He is the Living God who is alive, Phoenix. And He takes control. He becomes our everything. He involves Himself in everything—every decision, conversation, relationship, issue, sickness, worry. He becomes part of our speech and He speaks to us too. Maybe you haven’t figured that out after this time together because of something I’ve done wrong.”
Phoenix shook her head. “Paulo, I respect you and appreciate how you’ve tried to help me, but you don’t have that much influence over me.”
“I didn’t say I did. But I could have some sort of effect on you. Maybe there is something about me that is preventing you from loving the Lord….” He looked down as his words trailed away. “Maybe it is the very thing that prevents you from loving me back too,” he finished quietly.
Phoenix wished she had not allowed this man, who loved her so much, to believe she did not feel the same way. She went to him and kissed his cheek. “Paulo, you have done more than anyone could have been expected to. You have helped me through a huge problem in my life and was so loving while doing it. I know you say often that God was using you, but I thank you for obeying Him because you helped save my life. Not only that, but you are one of the best Christians I have ever met. You live out your faith in a way I have never seen up close. You try your best and you give God and others a hundred and ten percent. You are not perfect, I know, but even in the way you admit your flaws shows how genuine you are. Believe me, it’s not you. It’s me. I—” I love you so much, she finished silently, still unable to admit the truth.
“Oh, please. That sounds just wonderful, but I don’t even want to hear that right now. Just go ahead and do what you’ve been doing. Keep putting your mind on your past with Cedric instead of what you have in front of you. .Keep following your own plan. Whatever.” Paulo sulked.
Phoenix regarded Paulo whose face had fallen into a long, drawn mask. She kissed him again. “Now I know what you meant earlier about weak women following their own plan. I am sorry about that, but my question is, how did you find out about it? Did Cara tell you about my plan behind my back?”
Paulo’s wrinkled forehead answered her question. “What are you talking about? When I said that, I meant how women I’ve loved—you and my wife before you—were weak in your issues, and instead of trusting God to resolve them, you tried to follow your own plans and made everything worse. I should be saying that to myself too, I know, but that was what I meant. What plan are you talking about?”
Phoenix felt trapped. She’d opened up that can and the worms were slithering out. “Uh, well, now I know what you meant so—”
Paulo’s lips pressed into a thin line. In a slow, measured set of words, he whispered, “What. Plan. Are. You. Talking. About?”
“My plan for Cedric,” she answered quietly, grabbing his hand for strength. “When you said that stuff earlier about my mind being on Cedric, I thought it was because you knew. I was annoyed because I only told Cara. I didn’t want to think she would run back and tell you about it. I know she’s your friend, but she’s mine too so—”
Paulo pulled away. “What plan for Cedric?”
“My plan to get back at him.”
Be respectful. You are a man of God. Jesus help me. “You have a plan to get back at Cedric?” Paulo asked, in a strangled voice. His heart was thundering away as his stomach began to pulse. “How do you plan to get back at him?” he asked in as calm a voice as he could muster.
“Listen, I don’t want to hurt you—”
“You’ve opened the door, Phoenix. Please go on and walk through it. How do you plan to get back at him?” He said as his accent thickened in his words. His golden eyes were a matte gray as they searched her own.
“First let me say I don’t want him back,” Phoenix declared emphatically. “I don’t. I just feel like I can’t let him get away with what he’s done and how he’s treated me.”
“Again, how do you plan on doing that, Phoenix?”
“I don’t want to be with him. I just wanted him to want me back. I wanted to lose all of this weight and make him want me. I wanted him to ask me out again so I can reject him like he did me. I wanted to crush him like he did me. Then I will be over my issues with Cedric.”
Paulo was already shaking his head with his eyes closed. “Phoenix, hold on. Are you for real? Are you telling me that you are planning an act of revenge against this guy when I am right here, in front of you, and waiting for the time we can take this relationship further?”
“I didn’t think you were –” Phoenix tried once more to hold his hand.
> But Paulo snatched away again. “Don’t you dare even consider touching me right now!” he growled.
Phoenix inhaled and swallowed, watching Paulo’s flat gray eyes nearly turn black, as his face became stained a bright crimson. She had never seen, never seen, his ever-changing hazel eyes turn that dark. Ever.
Paulo’s sneer strained against the hard plains of his pulsing jaw. “Are you serious? After I sat in your apartment and helped him pack up his stuff? After I paid for a cab for him to lug his old stuff to wherever he was going to get him out of your life for good? After I spent two hours going through your apartment, rearranging things and getting rid of everything that he chose to leave behind, like old mail and clothes he didn’t want, so you would be comfortable? After I did this so the relationship could finally be over, and you could finally move forward, preferably with me? After I’ve struggled so hard with my own fears to let you into my heart and give you mine, all of mine, in return? After I’ve fallen in love with you, and have shown you, even before I said the words to you? You’re actually saying that you want to make him want you so you can reject him?” Paulo’s eyes filled with tears of rage as he clenched his jaw and his fists. “After all of this time praying for you, you want to hurt him more than you want to love me?”
Phoenix lost her courage. The black fire in his eyes, and the thickening of the accent in his voice, warned her instincts that she was about to cross a line she may not return from with Paulo.
“Please don’t tell me that this is the way you want to make use of God’s blessings. You want to use my help, and Cara’s, so you can win back your ex just to hurt him?” Paulo barked. Paulo’s flushed skin tone was shifting from red to pink to pale with each word. “You withheld your feelings for me because of that?”
“You don’t understand what he put me through,” Phoenix said, quietly. “I need to make him pay.”
Phoenix watched as Paulo catapulted to his feet like a feral jungle cat and began to pace the length of her living room several times, muttering in Portuguese. When he was done, she heard him whisper, “Forgive me, Lord.”
“Okay, Phoenix,” Paulo continued, keeping a tight rein on his voice, “Baby, I know he broke you, but you’re being mended. You have to pray for him and forgive him—”
“Forgive him?” Phoenix shrieked, indignant. “Are you kidding? How could I forgive him for using me and then putting me down? Look at what he did, what he said, even that day he showed up here.”
“And I took care of him.” Please, God, make her see.
“Yeah, but now I need to take care of him. It will make me feel better.”
“This is what has been holding you back from coming to the Lord after He’s been calling you?” Paulo seethed.
Phoenix chewed her lip for a moment. “I didn’t want to go to Him with this on my heart. I figured I should get it out of my system and then I would be ready to love Him…and love you too. Until then…” she sighed. “I don’t know.”
“But your plan for revenge won’t erase the past, Baby.” Paulo finally went over to her and grabbed her hands, trying to squeeze common sense into her through them. “You have to try to let this go. Forgive him and let go of your past. Focus on what God wants to do in your life now. Focus on God’s love through Jesus. Focus on your own growth. Focus on us.”
Phoenix pulled her hands away, even though it nearly destroyed her to do so. “What us, Paulo? I enjoy our dates and how you’ve treated me. I love how you kiss me and compliment me. You have been so generous and kind and romantic. I have never been treated so beautifully in my entire life. But still, I have to ask, what us? You haven’t asked me to be more than friends—”
“Ask you? Friends?” Paulo sputtered. “What are you talking about, Phoenix? I am trying to get there with you now! Why do you think I have been asking you out on dates and spend so much time with you? Why do you think I kiss you? Because you threw on a new outfit? Because I’m bored? It’s because I feel strongly about you. I just told you I am in love with you. I was just waiting for the proper time—”
“For what? For me to go to church and for God to deem me saved enough for you to make an official commitment to me? Like I said, there is no us…yet. This is something I have to do for me. It’s my way of empowering myself and—”
Paulo threw back his head and roared a phony laugh. “Is this the empowerment they teach you about in school? Please! The only thing you’re doing is empowering the devil’s hold on your life,” Paulo snapped. “The thing is, for months you have been talking about how this man hurt you, how he deliberately planned to get with you under false pretenses so he could use you, right?”
“That’s what I said!” Phoenix seethed. “That’s exactly what he did!”
“And yet here you are, willing to push away a man who is in love with you for the same reason. God answers your prayers for help. On top of helping you grow spiritually in Christ, He does so much to rebuild your self-esteem. He blesses you with our friendship and love. He blessed me with you too. He has used you to teach me how to love again, to open up my heart to trust him for love. Even as I am struggling, He’s using you to teach me to wait on Him—even though I fail sometimes. He has been teaching me to enjoy loving a woman and to have fun with the woman I love—”
“Paulo—” Phoenix’s heart melted against the words he spoke right into her heart. “I—”
“I, nothing! The way you want to make use of these blessings is to deliberately get revenge on Cedric. But you refuse to see how foolish and crazy this sounds, am I right?”
“Yeah…”Phoenix answered, reluctantly, not liking the way it sounded coming from Paulo. I am a fool. Why did I even say anything to him?
“So what makes you better than him?” Paulo asked through clenched teeth.
“Excuse me?” Phoenix’s neck twisted. “What did you say?”
“I asked you what makes you better than Cedric? You were a blessing to him and he used you spitefully to further his own agenda. God sends blessings to you and you plan to use them to spitefully further your own agenda. You are even willing to put everything on hold until you complete your plan. So again, I ask the question, what makes you better than Cedric?”
“I am nothing like Cedric!”
“I disagree. The Bible calls us to forgive because none of us are perfect. The Bible says that if you condemn people for their actions, then you are just as bad as they are. The Bible also warns us that when we stand in judgment of others, with bitterness in our hearts, we can actually become just like the person we are holding bitterness towards. That’s what is happening now. You stand there and judge Cedric’s actions, but what makes you better than him? You are doing the very thing you’ve been holding against him.” Paulo declared, standing up.
“How could you say that? I am nothing like that piece of garbage!”
Sadly, Paulo looked down on the woman he had hoped he could marry one day. “You’re right, Baby.”
“I know I am. Thanks for admitting it.”
“You’re right,” Paulo continued. “You not like him because you are worse.”
“Worse?” Phoenix’s jaw fell.
“Worse. You’re worse because you know better.” He kissed Phoenix with hard lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Think about what I said. Until you get this out of your system, we can do the work out and the Bible study and the church. I am not going to pursue you romantically because it is clear you are not ready for me. I am so in love with you, Querida, and this hurts so much…” Paulo snatched a gulp of air and shut his eyes. After a moment, his eyes snapped opened, and he looked at Phoenix with an unwavering resolve. “But it is clear that I was moving too fast anyway. We’re clearly on different levels here.”
Phoenix’s heart dropped as she raised a shaking hand to touch Paulo’s face. “No, Paulo, don’t do this. I—”
But Paulo snatched his face away and stepped back. “No, you did this, and I won’t do this with you. As I said, I am going to step back
from pursuing you romantically until you figure out what is most important to you. I will, however, keep praying you will let this craziness go.”
And for the third time in one evening, Paulo walked away wondering if he had heard wrong about the woman he had grown to love.
Chapter 24
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare (Proverbs 15:1).
Three months later…
“What do you think, Chica?” Cara laughed. “You like?”
Phoenix turned from side to side in the mirror. “Oh my gosh, I love it!” She ran her fingers through her new waves that swirled midway down her back. “I look…I look…”
“Gorgeous, Mija,” Delores offered, admiring her new handiwork. Winking at Cara, she whispered loud enough for Phoenix to hear. “And it took only three months for us to convince her to take the braids out to get this look.”
“But the braids were so convenient,” Phoenix pouted, still marveling at her new look. “But this is way better! Oh my goodness.”
“I know, right?” Cara smiled, “You look sexy, Linda. I know we suggested the braids to you ‘cause you were working out, and they were easier to handle than that damaged afro you had, but this weave is just as convenient. Your own hair is braided up underneath so it won’t get damaged and you can change your look as often as you want. I still think once you grow out your relaxer, you should go natural. But for now, you can rock this. You can also wear it up in a ponytail, which will make it easier when you can’t get here to get your hair done.”
The Makeover Page 31