Normal

by Jason Conley

  “Fuck you, Casey,” Carissa said as she tried to escape down the hallway.

  Casey stumbled behind Carissa, “Fuck me? No, fuck you little bitch.” Carissa stopped, turning to Casey. Casey was only inches from her, swaying side to side uncontrollably. “Where the fuck have you been?” Casey yelled. Carissa could tell Casey had been drinking since at least 10:00 am. Casey’s alcohol and smoked breath gave that much away.

  “School,” Carissa said crossing her arms.

  “Bull sh…it! You bu’ch was here an hour ago. I hope you used something. You know to keep me from having to raise your fucking kid.” Casey poked at her chest.

  “Shut up! You drunk, bitch.” Carissa opened, stepped through, and closed her bedroom door before Casey could completely register what Carissa had said.

  “Shut up? No, you shut up,” Casey said as she turned to go back to the living room to sit on the sofa and watch some show she would not even remember in two hours anyway. “And keep your goddamn hands off my man, slut.”

  Carissa was stunned. Did she just say that? “What?” Carissa said quite a bit louder than she had intended.

  “What nothin’! You don’t think I hear him in there with you, the bed squeekin’. I hear,” Surprisingly, Casey’s words were soft, no real suggestion of ire. “You need to keep your goddamn hands off of him. He’s my man and I am tired of it,” Casey shrugged her shoulders. Carissa came out of her room and was standing just beyond the end table. Casey looked over. “You can’t keep your hands off no one, can you?” Casey took a sip of her drink.

  Carissa stared at Casey. Carissa did not know what to say; she was confused. How could she know? How could she let it happen? How can she blame me? Carissa throat tighten then with a choked burst, “You knew he was fucking me?” The words bounced from wall to wall. Carissa had never said the words aloud. The question sounded obtuse to Carissa, almost too simple to consider.

  Casey turned and looked at Carissa, “He fucks you; he makes love to me.” Casey said nothing else. Casey leaned back on the couch and resumed watching the news or a talk show, or something else that did not matter in that moment.

  When Carissa left for school that morning, she knew the day would be different than the hundreds previous. She thought it would be for David. She had met someone new, not knowing anything, but kind of drawn to him, and now, stood up by him. But now, she was not sure if she was embarrassed, hurt, betrayed (although, she found it hard to be believe it was betrayal by someone who already hates her), or a combination of all. Carissa had known Casey despised her. Carissa had always thought it was because she was the stepchild. Carissa knew now Casey hated her for something that was not her fault, something she could not control, something she did because he was her daddy. Carissa’s eyes began to blur through the tears.

  Carissa walked down the hallway back toward the front door. In the three or four minutes, Carissa stood in the hallway, Casey had fallen asleep…or passed out. Word choices are subject to the observer and Carissa did not see. Carissa looked at Casey’s limp sleeping body for a moment, then opened the door.

  A slight breeze blew the curtains in and out of an opened window. David stood quiet on the porch. He had not heard every word but he had heard enough to know what the voices inside were talking about. The conversation or fight or revelation reached its precipice then went silent. He did not knock. He lingered trying not to make a noise though the squeaky boards under his feet were determined otherwise. He did not want to knock too early because Carissa would know he heard something. He did not want to stand at the door much longer either for fear of being seen by his mother or someone who would call his mother. The door slowly opened, Carissa stepped out. Through the tears were rolling down her face, a slight accented smile appeared. She wiped a few drops from her cheeks then whispered “You.”

  David shook his head agreeing with her. “You want to walk,” he said with a shake in his voice. He slid his hands into his pockets.

  “Yeah,” she said stepping down off the porch and into the sun.

  10

  The wind caught Carissa’s hair allowing it to lift then cascade back to her shoulders. David said nothing and followed Carissa’s lead. He knew that Carissa would talk as soon as she was ready. They had walked a few blocks before Carissa turned into a park. The park was like any other. Picnic tables lined a small area adjacent to a playground surrounded by benches. Kids played on the jungle gym while others were on swings with littler children building sand hills closer to their parents who sat watching from the benches. Carissa walked passed the playground toward a lone bench facing a large grassy opening. She was never sure why the bench was placed there, maybe for bird-watching, but today, they would sit alone.

  Carissa and David just watched a group of what must have been seventh or eighth grade boys playing football in the clearing. Carissa, remaining silent, whimpered softly. David put one arm around her then pulled her to him. She laid her head on his shoulder. She began to squirm as to half-heartedly fight him away but she grabbed at his shirt, burying her face deep into his chest. Then letting herself give in, she wrapped her arms around him. For an hour they sat. No word, the only sound was the football game and Carissa’s periodic sobs. David could not let go, he did not want to let go. This was where he wanted to be, with her, on a park bench, watching kids play football.

  Carissa felt safe in David’s arms. The warm touch of his hands soothed her. She tried to stop thinking about Casey. She could not, but being with David helped. Between her imagining Casey standing outside her bedroom door listening and David’s smell, she felt the tension of the day diluting into the moment. Then all at once she stopped crying. She listened to the trees and the game realizing she was not alone. David was with her, not just physically, but with her. They did not know each other but he was not leaving. Carissa did not want him to know because she was sure he would run, but he knew now and he was still there holding her, keeping her safe.

  “So what did you hear?” Carissa said, breaking the silence. Her swollen eyes did not move from his face.

  “Enough,” David said dejectedly. He knew she would be apprehensive to talk about her father, but she needed to talk. “Have you ever told anyone?” David asked, knowing she had not.

  “No, why? He’s my father. He loves me. I couldn’t do that to him,” she said shaking her head. She reached for David’s hand. She crossed her fingers through his and pulled it close to her. Looking down at their woven fingers, she said with all sincerity, “He went through a lot when my mom died. He still needs me, that’s all.” In her mind, she was blaming Casey.

  David could not disagree. David’s father was gone. He did not know what would be right and wrong between a father and his daughter. He had never been exposed to anything outside of school except for what his mother taught him about the bible and Noah had had sex with his daughters. David was not even allowed to be in sex education classes. How can he judge something as evil if one of the most righteous men in the bible had done the same? David just knew it hurt her. Although, he had a gut feeling it was wrong.

  “So why does Casey act like that?” David asked.

  “She’s a bitch,” Carissa said immediately, “and a drunk.” She gave a slight laugh.

  “Why does she hate you so much?” David said. He did not know if she actually hated Carissa, but the afternoon’s events made it seem that way to him.

  “You don’t miss anything, do you? She use to be cool to me then she got pregnant with Lea, my sister. I remember the day she stopped playing with me. I was young, not sure how old, but I brought our dolls. She always wanted the little blonde and I wanted the one with the denim jacket. I tried to hand it to her but she didn’t want to play. She had said no before but I remember feeling the anger in this “no”. I remember her acting like I was bothering her. I remember her taking the doll, when I wouldn’t stop asking, and throwing it in the trash. That was the last time she played with me. From there, she started growing meaner and by the ti
me Lea was born I became the bastard child. I was just there. It got worse after daddy started with me. Then, she started drinking and that’s what we ended up with.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” David said.

  “It’s my fault, anyway,” Carissa continued. “He always says how much I look and act like my mother. He says he can’t control himself. That actually makes me feel kind of good.” A flattered smile crept onto her lips. She hated herself for taking pleasure in her father’s lack of control.

  Carissa looked at the playground behind them. She remembered her life before the night her innocence was taken. She remembered her father taking her to this very playground and how he would chase her. She would run up the ladder in a playful attempt to escape but still hoping to be caught. He would run up the same small slide children were now playing on. The ladder seemed so big in her memories, and so did many other things. All seemed small now.

  She remembered falling off the monkey bars that connected the slide to the swings and how she skinned her knees. At that small age, it hurt so badly. He father took her home to clean the wound. She closed her eyes, feeling the cool washrag wiping the sand away. She remembered how he kissed her knee to make it better. The magic of her father’s kiss on a sore seemed to take away the pain.

  Carissa opened her eyes and looked at the landscape. It was now small and her memories somewhat tainted with the stain of the development of her life. Turning to David, she noticed his usually neat hair was now beginning to look disheveled by the wind. With her free hand, she fixed it back and smiled.

  “What were you thinking about?” David said.

  “Oh, nothing. Let’s go,” Carissa said getting up. She did not let go of his hand for the very real fear of not feeling it again.

  The sun cast an orange glow across a thin canopy of clouds, the breeze picking up to a soft wind as they walked silent winding through several streets. David looked closely at the cars passing, thinking that his mother might be in any one of them. He knew that he was already going to be in trouble but to top it with the embarrassment he would suffer if he was caught with Carissa would be unbearable.

  They walked another few blocks then Carissa turned up to a sidewalk leading to a house with two large white pillars and brass knocker ornamenting the French entry. “Who lives here?” David said with a slight unwillingness.

  Carissa looked at him and smiled, “Just trust me.”

  David smiled back hoping that things would not turn out like they had earlier.

  Carissa knocked then looked back at David. He heard footsteps getting louder. They stopped for a moment. The light in the peephole went dark then came back. The knob squeaked as it turned. “Hey, man,” April said as she flung the door open.

  “Hey,” Carissa said.

  “Hello,” David nodded nervously.

  “Come on in. I was making some pizza. Ya’ll come eat.”

  “Okay,” Carissa said. She pulled at David’s hand then turned to him mouthing, “It’s cool.”

  April’s father was an emergency room doctor and was gone pretty much all of the time. This night was no exception. April had been taking care of herself since she was thirteen. When April was sixteen, just after her rehab stint, her mother came home to telling her that she was moving. Apparently, she had been having an affair with a man, coincidentally, for three years. She was leaving April and her father behind to pursue a new life with Eric the landscaper. So between the pot and the readily accessible kitchen and the many hours to herself, April had become an exceptional chef. “I got this idea from the restaurant up the street. You know that seafood place?” April said.

  “Yeah,” Carissa said.

  “Well, listen to this shit. I love there Crab and Alfredo pasta. So, I figured out how to make it.” April had led them into the dining room. “Ya’ll sit down.”

  “I thought you said you were making pizza,” Carissa said giving David a ridiculous look.

  April, walking into another room, said, “That’s the best fucking part, man. Then I thought to myself, Why can’t I put that on a pizza?” April walked back into the room with a small cookie tin. She opened it pulling out a bag with green clumps in it. David recognized it from his drug prevention class as weed. She reached in pulling a bud out and started breaking it up on the table. “So I made a garlic bread crust and took the alfredo sauce and used it as the pizza sauce. Then I threw some crab and mozzarella cheese on it. Should be done right as we finish this.” April, with impeccable rolling speed, held a freshly rolled joint and then lit it. She took a long drag then passed it to Carissa.

  David watched as Carissa’s red lips wrapped tightly around the end and began to suck. He had always been taught that drugs were Satan’s tool to lure him in, but with his recent questioning of faith, he did not know if that was true. He was finding out a lot of things were not true.

  Carissa took the joint out of her mouth and handed it to David. “You don’t have to,” She said not wanting to pressure him and holding in the smoke.

  David looked at the smoking paper for a moment wondering what would happen if he did. David knew he was stepping out of his norm. He knew he was going to be punished for not coming home after school. He knew that somehow through smell or telepathy that his mother would find out he was with Carissa. If his mother did not know for a fact, she would assume he was with some girl. He had nothing to lose. He took the joint out of her hand and held it to his lips. He mimicked her and began to suck hard. The harsh smoke tickled his throat and he began to cough. The smoke exploded from his lungs.

  David could hear April giggle through the arsenal of coughs to expel the pungent smoke from his body. Carissa began to pat him on the back. “It’s not good dope unless you choke,” April said taking another hit.

  David stopped coughing just as the joint made its way back to him. “You want another,” Carissa said. David shook his head in agreement. He took in the smoke much slower this time, feeling it travel down his throat and into his lungs. He only had a small controllable urge to cough. He held the smoke in as long as he could then with one easy breath let the cloud free.

  David began to feel light headed as all the colors in the room became more vivid. His eyes began to dart while words smeared into each other. He felt a little uneasy but calm at the same time. As Carissa and April talked about something David could not understand, he felt a small rumble in his stomach. He held back his discomfort for what seemed like hours then said, “I’m hungry.” Carissa and April laughed. For some reason, David did too. Just then, the timer on the stove dinged which made them laugh harder. It had only been five minutes.

  April got up from the table and went to the kitchen to retrieve the pizza. Carissa looked at David. He noticed that her eyes were red and glassy but they were still beautiful. More beautiful. He knew that that was not the grass making him feel that way. She was introducing him to a world he would never know otherwise and, for that, he was grateful.

  “Are you okay?” Carissa said. David had been staring at her for at least a minute at this point.

  David pondered the question for a brief but lingering breath then answered, “With you, I am.”

  Carissa looked at him. She wanted so badly to kiss him but held back. She did not know why but he had just said the most moving thing she had ever heard. She smiled. They looked at each other. They were in just one moment, at one house, and one table. Only, space between them. In that moment, they were…

  “Look, David,” April shouted from the kitchen, breaking the moment, “I want to apologize for earlier. I didn’t mean to be such an ass.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” his eyes not leaving Carissa.

  April came back to the dining room with three plates and a steaming round pan. “Carissa, you’re going to try this first. If it tastes like shit, I am going to throw it away. No offense David, but I don’t want you think my cooking isn’t worth a fuck.”

  David smiled, nodded, and laughed for no other reason than to laugh.
He was very, very stoned.

  April sat the pan on the table, carful to keep a pot holder underneath. Carissa pulled a slice and placed it on a plate, then shook the heat from her fingers. “Let me go grab a fork and knife,” April said darting back into the kitchen.

  April handed Carissa the utensils and Carissa immediately cut into the pizza. She pulled the piece to her mouth, blowing on it to cool it down. April watched Carissa as she took a bite. “Oh my God,” Carissa said with her mouth full.

  “What?” April said.

  “This is awesome,” Carissa said.

  “Okay,” April said looking at David, “Dig in.”

  David grabbed a slice and put it on his plate. He bowed his head and gave a silent prayer as Carissa and April watched. He then picked up the pie and took a bite. The flavors splashed against his taste buds. The garlic and cheese set with the salty crab were almost too much for his mouth to handle. He had never tasted anything in such a way. The flavors were distinct yet combined. He was experiencing food in a way he could not imagine others tasting. He was definitely had the munchies. “That is great,” David said just before he took another bite. April smiled back. Just before April took her first taste she gave Carissa an approving look and patted her on the knee. But Carissa needed no reassurance, she already knew what she had.

  David and Carissa left April’s long after last light. The street lights spread their not quite white yet not quite yellow glow blocking all but a few stars in the night sky. They walked through the neighborhoods separating April’s and Carissa’s homes. David was seeing the world in a whole new way. Not a way he had intended to see through often, but different all the same, exciting. He noticed the street lights as they danced their somewhat safer glow on the dark asphalt streets and heard the noises of night for the first time, again. He was still very stoned.

  Carissa walked proudly with her hand in his enjoying the trust David offered her that evening. He gave her an ear to listen. She was thankful for the day the bus only had one seat. She was thankful for Mr. Gilbert bringing them together. She knew nothing that had happened in the last few days was intentional but she was grateful. They had happened.