by Redding, Mae
I felt bad for Kane. We’ve all changed, but he did the most, which put quite a strain on my relationship with him. He went from my fun-loving brother to over protective and so serious all the time. He had to be if we were going to survive.
I remembered what he was like a few years ago. He had so many friends in high school and always ran off somewhere to do something fun. At least when he wasn’t completely wrapped up in football. Girls would text him and stop by to see him, which definitely wasn’t his life anymore.
The stairs creaked in protest of aged wood as I climbed them to my room. I laughed a little to myself, thinking about the conversation between us when I was younger. He used to tell me I had better find a boy who would treat me right or the guy would have to deal with him. I could see now, nothing had changed.
I’d never had a boyfriend. There was only one boy during my childhood that I could've even come close to calling him my boyfriend. I was only six so I don’t know if an eight year old boy could even be considered such. He didn’t see anything wrong with it. My friend from down the street, Zach. I could still picture his stick straight, dark brown hair, dimpled cheeks and dark brown eyes. I was maybe three years old at most, when we became friends. He lived just down the street from us and Zach, Trey and I used to play.
Bittersweet memories of my childhood friend surfaced in my mind and brought a weak smile to my face. I wondered what he would look like. Would he be tall, still as cute as he was when he was eight with his dimpled cheeks and freckle dusted nose? Would his dark hair hang still and cover his golden-flecked coffee brown eyes as I remembered? Would we still be friends or would’ve he outgrown me?
Back in the comfort of my room, the window lured me over. The darkness enclosed me and I looked through my faint reflection to the world outside hidden by the black night.
Trey hadn’t mentioned my run in with Damian at Marge’s last fall. At least from what I heard. I wondered what this guy wanted with me and why it bothered my brother. I knew one thing for sure. Kane didn’t like the guy one bit and this Damian guy would have to go through him first if he wanted to get to me.
My confrontation with Damian Jackson at Marge’s last summer sat vividly in my mind and left me unsettled and anxious. I thought he was a creep after the time he stopped me at Marge’s, but I knew nothing about him. He scared me, and I wanted nothing to do with him.
“Do you have the worms? I forgot something… I’ll be out in a minute,” Trey said, then stopped short as we headed for the exit and turned back as he glanced at me.
“Yeah, I’ve got them.”
“Okay, I’ll be right out.”
As I pushed out through the front door of Marge’s store, a deafening roar of three motorcycles drew my attention and drowned out my thoughts. The smell of motor oil and exhaust, nauseating and thick in the air. I covered my mouth as I looked up, immediately irritated as one of the bikers with grease stained pants and heavy riding boots found amusement, tormenting my horse, Fire. Furious, I quickened my pace.
“What are you doing?” I yelled, more in a statement than a question as my free hand balled into a fist.
He didn't attempt to hide his uncomfortable gawky stare as he slightly tipped his dark sunglasses and exposed icy grey eyes. He looked like someone who lived on the wrong side of the tracks and seemed to be proud of it.
“Nice boots…”
“What?”
I rocked back on my heels to see which boots I wore. As usual, I hadn’t given my outfit much thought as I threw on my old faded cutoffs and turquoise tank top. I probably looked kind of redneck, combining them with my faded corral snakeskin cowgirl boots, but I didn’t care.
“Want a ride?” The suggestive tone of his voice crawled under my skin. I ignored him and his stupid remark and went to untie Fire but he moved in front of me and blocked my way, gripping the reins. My stomach lurched and I glared back.
“I said something to you.”
“I'm not interested.”
The jerk’s bike was older and actually, a nice Harley, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of me admiring it. I wasn’t that impressed and just because he had a nice ride didn’t mean he was a nice guy. You wouldn’t have caught me dead on it with the creep.
“What? Are you too good for me?”
“I have no idea who you are, if you are trying to come on to me, you’ve failed miserably... But you have managed to really annoy me,” I said. I turned my back to him and put the worms in the saddlebag.
“The name’s Damian… Come on, let’s go,” he prodded. He ran his fingers down the back of my arm. His abruptness and unrelenting pushiness irritated me and it was obvious his plea was just to annoy me. “You look like the reckless type. My bike will go a lot faster than that horse.”
“Knock it off!” I fumed. I whirled around and shoved him. He grinned as he took an over exaggerated step back. Damian wasn’t unattractive in a rough, biker dude sort of way, but his appearance did nothing for his personality. “My dog wouldn’t give you the time of day!”
His sneer slowly turned angry and his brows narrowed above his dark eyes as the two guys behind him laughed. He moved closer and grabbed me, a strong grip on my arm.
“Hey! Back off!” Startled, I looked to see Trey, his broadened stride, brisk and confident as he walked over.
Trey exchanged glances with me to get a feel of the situation. I felt relieved then suddenly concerned as he approached us. Damian, obviously older than my brother by a few years and it surprised me that Trey walked up to him and stood inches from his face. They stared each other down and he released my arm. Tension in the air thickened.
I’ve watched Trey get into more than a few fist fights and knew he could take care of himself. If it came to that now he just might get his butt kicked. It would be very one sided if the other two decided to step in, their intensions, definitely to intimidate at the very least, if not step in if push came to shove, but Trey didn’t back down.
“She said no.”
Damian took a slight step back, lit a cigarette and blew it in his face.
“Trey! Let’s just go!” I pushed passed him and jerked the reins from his hands to diffuse the situation between them. He didn’t stop me and continued to stand head to head with Trey.
“Maybe some other time,” he said, without taking his eyes off Trey. Prickly goose bumps crawled over my skin as I reached out and tugged at his arm, anxious to leave.
“I don’t think so,” Trey said. He moved back slowly. Relieved, I jumped into the saddle and looked to see he still stood there.
“Trey…” I persuaded, and he moved back over to his horse.
“I’ll see you later, Jade...”
My skin still crawled at the thought of how he had touched me that day and I still saw the smirk on his face. He left me to wonder how he knew my name. I could tell by the way he watched me that he knew he crawled under my skin and he seemed to enjoy every minute of it.
I jumped skittishly at a knock to my partially open bedroom door. Pulled from my less than pleasant recollection of Damian.
“Did you forget about the bread?” Trey asked.
“Oh, kind of, not really.” I looked at my watch with two minutes to spare. The aroma of warm dough at the point of perfection wafted through the air and tempted my taste buds as the thought of light fluffy bread pulled me back to the present. My stomach growled with a painful ache.
Trey gave me a strange look. “What are you sitting in the dark for?”
“I don’t know… I wanted to look out the window.”
“You’ve got to stop that, Jade... You are driving yourself crazy,” Trey said, he lit the lantern in my room. The sulfur smell of a blown out match interrupted my hunger pains. I let his comment slide and turned to face him as he reached across me to pull the blind down over the window. An instant stop to my window watching, I sighed and glanced at Trey, stern faced. The dim light cast long shadows across the wall that shaded part of his face, his green eyes
strikingly visible and adamant.
“You know, that was the stupidest come on I have ever heard,” I said, still a bit frustrated over Damian and wanting to break the tension between us.
“What are you talking about?” He looked at me confused.
“Last fall... That guy, Damian…Do you want a ride?” I mimicked the creepy tone of Damian’s voice.
“You were listening to me and Kane talk weren’t you?”
“Maybe…”
“Yeah…” Trey’s brow tensed, suddenly caught up. “Kane is pretty worried about him. And now that you know, you should be too.”
***
As we sat at the dinner table, a rapid knock pounded against the front door. Kane answered and talked to someone in hushed tones. After a minute, he let him in and I saw Joel. Trey walked over to join in on the conversation. I watched them while Emery and I cleared the plates. Kane left the room. Joel stood in the doorway and waited while he talked to Trey.
With his military short, russet color hair and his permeating frosty blue eyes, I thought Joel was the cutest out of all Kane’s friends. I’m sure between the two of them they had driven the girls crazy. Joel, a bit taller than my brother, looked solidly built. The only thing I really knew about him was he worked with Kane on the farm and they hung out together in their free time.
I really just knew of Joel than knew him. I saw him around but never talked to him. Kane didn’t hang out at home much after he graduated and I was lucky if I saw him and his friends briefly in passing.
“I’ll be back. I need to smooth things over with Morrison,” Kane said, more to Trey than to me as he returned with his jacket and left with Joel. Emery disappeared quickly after dinner to get out of doing the dishes and Trey found his way downstairs to work on his project.
I cleaned up quickly and took advantage of the darkness and Kane’s absence. I felt rebellious and peered out the front room window to make sure Kane left. The street, dark and eerily quiet, without any signs of life so I walked through the kitchen. I reached for the doorknob and opened the door, the barrier that kept me from the outside for way too long.
I stepped over the threshold for the first time since September and pulled the door closed behind me as I stood on the back porch. My back pressed against the door. Almost afraid to take the first step away from the house, I hesitated, the crisp air rushed through my lungs as I drew in a deep breath. The beat of my heart quickened in my chest, exhilarated and anxious at the same time, anticipating my punishment if Kane caught me. I didn’t care.
Jittery nerves buzzed inside me, no less tormenting than if I stood over a cliff, contemplating a jump into the unknown. I took the first step. Then another and walked towards the barn. An uncontainable smile swept across my face, a surge of energy and new strength entered me with each breath, awakened by the cool brushes of the breeze on my cheeks. A flood of tears welled in my eyes and I wiped them away with a sigh.
The barn doors creaked as I pulled them open, just enough for me to slip inside and close them behind me. I lit the old kerosene lantern that hung from a hook against the wall. The pale golden ribbon of light filtered dimly through the dark dusty barn, my favorite place, second only to the lake. I closed my eyes and breathed in the familiar sweet scent of alfalfa and golden straw mingled with the earthy smell of horses and dirt.
I rested my arms against the old wooden boards that made Fire’s corral. She nickered at me and I rubbed her nose. Her black coat long and shaggy still from winter, but started to shed in patches. Already the middle of April, summer would come soon. I looked forward to it. Spent far too much time away from her. She pawed and pranced around the small twelve by fifteen stall, antsy to get out.
“Trey is supposed to be doing this.”
My heart shot through my chest. I whirled around wide eyed as Kane startled me. He closed the barn door behind him, his jaw tightened as he walked towards me. His eyes flashed angrily with his brow tensed and I waited for his reproach.
“I needed to Kane, I’m sorry… I waited until it got dark.” My eyes pleaded with his and I watched his glare soften slightly.
“Need some help?”
“Uhh,” I hesitated, confused by the polar shift from his usual inflexibility. “Sure.”
He grabbed a one hundred pound bale of hay and tossed it over to the stalls like it was nothing, and then a second one with equal ease. A dusting of small confetti-like alfalfa leaves puffed into the air as they hit the ground. The taut bailing twine snapped as he cut it with his pocketknife and the bails fell loosely apart. I grabbed a flake of hay and threw it in Fire’s stall. I watched Kane as he helped me pass the hay to the six other horses. His arms curled, flexing his biceps and I noticed how big his arms looked compared to mine. I hadn’t really noticed before, how more like a man, my brother had become. I guess he was out of his teens by two years but I’d never thought of him as an adult until suddenly just now.
“Can I go to town for my birthday? It was last week.”
He looked up. His eyes filled instantly with regret, then irritation by my request. “No,” he snapped. His answer came way to quick.
“Why?”
“Where exactly do you want to go? Marge’s is the only store in this town. If you want to go to the city, the answer is no.”
“I would be fine just going to Marge’s, was her store destroyed?”
“No, it was vandalized but we’ve repaired most of it and she’s opened it up for trading. Little Creek doesn’t look too bad anymore, from the outside. People vandalized abandoned homes and tore them apart looking for stuff, but it’s the city that’s a mess.”
“What is the city like?”
He debated quietly with himself what exactly to tell me. I busied myself, waiting for his response. Water sprayed with bursts, followed by pockets of air from the end of the garden hose as I pumped the leaver for pressure to our underground well. After a minute, it flowed freely and I filled the horses’ barrels. The dry, dusty air in the barn itched at my throat and I took a drink, waiting for his response through the buzzing silence. The well provided clean, drinkable water, more than enough year round and supplied our house included.
“Please, Kane? I want to know,” I asked again, and then wiped my lips with the sleeve of my shirt. He sighed with defeated resolve and shut off the leaver to the pump.
“There isn’t much out there as far as stores and shops. The buildings still stand, but they are empty… Broken into… Trashed. There was nothing left from the riots and it looks like a war zone. There are people out there,” Kane sighed. He grabbed the pitchfork and poked at the straw. I could tell this subject weighed on his mind. “There’s a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done everywhere.”
“I could help you, you already send Trey out.”
“No,” he answered, his response quick and definite. My face burned with frustration. He leaned against the stall as he gripped the pitchfork and looked at me. “I don’t want you to see it, Jade. You really don’t want to see what I’ve seen,” he said, sounding more like my dad than my brother. “I know you think you can handle it… But no, you can’t go. It’s just not safe. Let’s just leave it at that.” We finished the chores in silence. My resentment towards him and his strictness hung heavy in the air.
“What’s out there?”
“Bodies… too many of them… You saw it on TV, but it affects you differently in person. Those images burn into your mind and they don’t ever leave,” Kane said, then looked intently at me. “I hope you don't ever have to see it.”
“What are you doing with them?”
“We're incinerating them at the burn plant or… wherever… open fields, parking lots. I have to gear up and wear a gas mask to keep from breathing the smell and protect against disease. You really don’t want to go.”
“Have you been to the hospital?”
I thought about the last time I talked to my mom after we found out she caught the virus. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach at the idea t
hat my mom died alone, with none of us around her. Only to be surrounded by hundreds of other dead and dying people. The thought of my mom tossed along with the others at the burn plant was too much. I fought back the tears but a few escaped me and with the back of my hand, I wiped them away. I picked up a brush and smoothed it over Fire’s long winter coat for a distraction.
“Yeah… We are going through the public buildings and clearing them out, but the bodies are unrecognizable, so I wouldn't know if there was anyone we knew,” he said cautiously as he watched me with sympathetic eyes. They filled quickly with deep sadness and something else that sent a chill through me as if he held something back but was unable to hide the pain he felt. I wondered what he just kept from me, if he found my mom but didn’t tell me to spare me the details.
I turned from him and continued to brush Fire. My eyes glistened with moisture as tears continued to threaten with the increasing knot in my throat. I wanted my mom back.
“I still don’t understand why I can’t go outside?”
“There are a lot of shady men out there, men that I don’t know if I trust yet. I haven’t seen very many kids out. I’m sure they’re out there, but probably just being cautious, too.”
“I’m not a kid, Kane.”
“I know, but you still need to be careful. Probably more so, since you’re at that age…” Kane’s words hung in the air unfinished and I didn’t pursue his point. “I’m not sure what kind of government there will be, we don’t have law enforcement available yet. We’re still trying to figure all this out… It takes time.”
“Okay... I’ll stop asking, if you’ll stop keeping everything a secret about what you’re doing. Just tell me something, anything. I want to know what’s going on. I can’t stand it! I need to get out! I can’t stay in that house, day in, and day out! It’s not fair, Kane.” I stepped out of the stall then tossed the brush a little too hard into a bucket and tipped it over.