The Solitude of Passion

by Addison Moore

  “He’s forever the business man.” Her back vibrates with a dull laugh. She’s so thin I can feel each of her vertebrae—count them if I wanted to. “But he would never do that, so you’re going to owe me a lot of money.”

  “He’s a moron.”

  “Be nice.” She tickles my ribs.

  “I am nice.” I run my fingers to the tender spot just under her arms and rail over her until she’s on her back screaming with laughter. Her teeth catch in the light and sparkle like jewels. Lee detonates like a brilliant star against the backdrop of the velvet sand.

  “Hey, keep it down.” I land a soft kiss on her lips. “People are going to think I’m killing you.”

  Her eyes glisten with tears as the moonlight cuts through them like prisms. “You are killing me,” it comes from her soft, and a little too honest.

  “Lee,” I whisper, interlacing our fingers. “You’re everything to me—always have been, always will.”

  I bow down with a kiss—lay my body over hers and take root in a heated exchange of lingual affection. God, I love kissing Lee.

  The ocean roars in a fury—solid and pissed, as angry as Max. But we lock off the world with a pronounced finality. There’s no one but Lee and me left on the planet tonight. It’s nothing but a riot of emotions—the appeasing of our flesh. Our mouths fuse over one another in a series of explosive waves.

  Peace. It’s come to me at last. I found nirvana, paradise, happily ever after right here in the deep well of Lee’s scorching mouth.

  I feel at peace for the first time since I’ve come home.

  Just breathing God.

  Breathing Lee.

  We head home and walk up the driveway hand in hand.

  I sneak in one last kiss before Lee slips the key in the lock and turns the handle.

  The porch light casts a halo of fog around us. It bleaches us out into vellum, leaves us transparent as unearthly visitors.

  I place my hand over hers and stop her from opening the door.

  “I can’t do this too much longer.” I don’t mean for it to come out like a threat. Like some ultimatum I’m tossing out at the eleventh hour, but my entire body sags with relief after letting the words out.

  Lee’s face melts with fear. All of the good intentions I showered her with tonight have dissipated with a few simple words.

  “I know,” she whispers. “I really feel the same. I’m not sure the therapy will help, but I’m hoping it will.” She steps into me, her eyes pleading with me on a rudimentary level. “I can’t really expect you to know how I feel, but I can’t find it in my heart to just throw Max away.” She shakes her head struggling for the next words to make this right. “Come here.” She stands on her toes and pulls me in by the back of the neck. Lee touches her lips to mine, and I don’t bother restraining myself. Fuck Max and his good boy ideals. Lee is my wife, the love of my life, and I’ll be damned if I’m not putting in every effort to fight for her.

  Lee sweeps her tongue over my teeth. She roams around my mouth as if she never wants to leave. I never want her to. I never want this feeling, this moment to end.

  Never in a million years would I have imagined us kissing like teenagers outside of the door I hung myself, in front of our home. Lee and I have become a dirty secret to be kept from, of all people, Max Shepherd.

  We head inside and smack right into the idiot himself. Max glides down the stairs like some lovesick puppy—albeit, aggressive and angry, lost in a jealous rage, rabid puppy.

  “Where’d you go?” He doesn’t bother acknowledging me. Instead, he wraps his arms around Lee and dots her forehead with a kiss. I bet he thinks we hit the nearest motel and laughed at him for two hours straight while fucking our brains out. That was my first plan of action, but I didn’t think Lee would be up for it.

  I shoot him a look and head toward the back.

  “Just the beach,” she says, making her way to the kitchen.

  Just the beach? I glance over at her mildly alarmed. I thought I had impressed the hell out of her with those kisses. I thought we revisited who we were and held the residue of our love all the way up the porch.

  Her lip curves into a smile as she passes me on the way to the fridge.

  There she is. Her play down of our date is nothing but smoke and mirrors for Shepherd’s sake. She’s probably afraid he’ll hack us all to pieces in a jealous rage if she fesses up to how she really feels. And quite frankly, I’m getting pretty tired of the way she guards his heart like it’s some fragile ball of glass. You’d think it had the power to unravel the universe if it shattered the way she protects it.

  “Get some rest.” Max wraps his arms around her from behind and drops another kiss on her temple. “I’ve got a big day planned for us tomorrow.”

  My insides cinch.

  “A day?” She marvels. “What about the kids?”

  “Mitch can watch them.” He blinks a smile at me. “He’s probably dying for a nice long day with Stella and Eli.”

  “Sure.” I reach into the fridge and pluck out a soda. Swear to God if he kisses her one more time I’m going to disembowel him right here in the kitchen. Or maybe I’ll dust the floor with his head before I push him out a window. The rails of this crazy train are clattering. I can’t check my emotions anymore.

  I shoot him a dirty look as he cages her in with his arms, brushes his cheek against hers like I wasn’t even in the room.

  Lee glances up, alarmed, totally aware of Shepherd’s late night scheme.

  “You got a problem?” He needles me with that unibrow of his and a laugh huffs from my chest.

  “Yeah, I’ve gotta problem.” A visceral rage brews deep inside me. I’ve been waiting for weeks for Shepherd to start shit so I can clock him a few dozen times, but I was sort of hoping he wouldn’t be holding Lee like some hostage when he did it.

  “Stop—both of you.” Lee closes her eyes and carefully untangles herself from his gorilla-like embrace. “Max”—she shakes her head and gives a hard sniff—“maybe it’s not the best idea to hold me like that in front of him.”

  Did she just say it was okay for him to hold her like that in private?

  Lee darts out of the kitchen and bolts upstairs.

  “Nice going, shithead,” he grunts. “You put her in a good mood.” He doesn’t bother hanging around, just bolts up after her.

  She was in a good mood. Lee is no fool. She knows his awkward displays of affection are designed to piss me off. The more he tries to paw her, the more he riles her up. It looks like the noose just got a little tighter. And I’ll be more than willing to kick the chair out from under him as soon as he’s ready.

  Voices boom from above, followed by swift angry footsteps. I don’t ever remember arguing with Lee. Must be one of those adorable quirks Shepherd brought to the marriage table. The fact he raises his voice to her should send up a dozen red flags, make her think long and hard about leaving him. I’m sure it’s something he picked up from his folks before cheating became a part of the equation. I don’t really remember Max’s father too much, Eli. He seemed like a nice guy. Always hung out with my dad who also mistakenly seemed like a nice guy. Turns out they were both a joke. My dad the philanderer extraordinaire—he was no prize after all. Mom deserved better than that. Makes me sick to think of all that crap he put my family through.

  A thunderous clap explodes from above, and I sprint upstairs.

  Hopefully Lee pumped some serious lead into his chest and not the other way around.

  I blast through the bedroom door without bothering to knock, and both Lee and Max turn around. They’re sitting on the bed, Max with his shirt off.

  “Kids okay?” I pant as I take in the scene. Max has his shoes off at the foot of the bed. His jeans lie folded over the chair, and it’s only then I notice he’s in nothing but his boxers. My stomach tightens at the thought of him hanging around my bedroom like this.

  Lee’s eyes are bloodshot, her face slicked with moisture. She walks past me over to the li
nen closet and digs for something in the back like her life depended on it.

  “Kids are sleeping,” Max gruffs at me while pulling on a pair of sweats.

  I head over to Lee and step in close until I can feel the warmth emanating from her body.

  “I thought you blew his head off,” I whisper. “I was going to help you hide the body.” No joke.

  Max steps in. “You wish.” Shepherd doesn’t break his hard glare.

  “Seeing that all my wishes have a way of coming true lately, I’d take cover if I were you.”

  “Get back down in your hole,” he cuts a quick glance to Eli’s room. “Upstairs is off limits to you.”

  Lee swipes us with a look before burying her head in the closet again.

  Shepherd’s got balls of steel, that’s for sure. “The only territory around here is the one I built. Upstairs, downstairs, it belongs to me.”

  “Found it.” Lee holds up an air pump before tracking back to the bedroom.

  “We’re not doing this.” Max trails in after her with his head on fire. “That thing sounds like a jet engine. You’re going to wake up the kids.”

  “Mitch shut the baby’s door.” Lee instructs, so I do. I pace back over to the master bedroom for the rest of the show. Lee’s got the nozzle injected into an air mattress, and it magically starts to inflate.

  Max’s face bleeds out, white as snow on Christmas morning. Passing out seems like a promise on the horizon. I blink a smile over at him. Already I like where this is going.

  “Get out.” His brows dart in a line over his features as he glares at me. All these years of knowing Max I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so worked up, so locked up in his anger to the point he can’t even breathe. All of the misery the Shepherds have caused my mother, my brother, and me, has finally caught up with him. Max is about to be handed his balls by the only person he’s ever worshiped—Lee.

  “Done.” She screws the cap on and slides the mattress over to Max.

  “Fine.” He tucks his tail between his legs, resigned to his new sleeping arrangement. “Night.” He swipes it up off the floor and pushes me into the wall before disappearing into Eli’s room.

  Lee gets up and comes over, her eyes still alive with grief. She doesn’t say a word.

  “Thank you.” I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her, feel her heart pummeling against my chest like she just ran a miracle mile.

  Max is out of the bedroom. This festering wound inside me has finally opened, and now all that’s left to do is heal.

  Max

  It’s so fucking hot.

  I give several hard blinks, struggling to wake up. The room looks foreign from this vantage point until Eli smacks me in the face with a small yellow truck. Then it all comes back to me, Lee, the air mattress—Mitch and that shit-eating grin.

  “Is that how you say good morning?” I pull Eli over and tickle him before tossing the truck clear across the room.

  “Up,” he shouts as he pulls me off the floor. Note to self: invest in a better quality mattress and possibly a shotgun, duct tape, and a shovel.

  “Come here you.” I pull him to his car bed and relax over his pillow. It turns out Eli’s bed isn’t that much more of an improvement.

  Lee came back from her date with Mitch last night revved up like PMS on steroids. I’d hate to be the one to bring it up, but I think she’s emotionally allergic to him.

  As for Mitch, I’d like to pummel him. Beat him until his ears bleed, then throw him into the Pacific.

  Stella wanders in wearing her yellow ducky pajamas. “You had a sleepover?” Her hair is disheveled and her lids still hang heavy.

  “Yup.” I pull the blanket off the floor and fold it in half. “You want to have a sleepover with Eli tonight?”

  “Yes!” She squeals, jumping on the glorified bag of air that pulled the pin on the grenade that lives in my back.

  “Okay, I’ll let you sleep on the air mattress.”

  Screams of joy rattle out of her as if she’s about to go on some exotic adventure.

  “I call Stella’s bed,” I say as Eli joins his sister.

  The sun sits high as Lee and I drive over to the Mono Bay Airport, small crafts only. Mitch didn’t look so enthused this morning when we saddled him with the kids and headed out. He mentioned he’d be spending the day on the beach with them. Stella and Eli better not drown on his watch, or I might be moved to decapitate him.

  “An airport? What’s this about, Shepherd?” Lee bites down on a smile as she soaks in the planes surrounding us.

  “Let’s find out.” We head out of the car and into a waiting helicopter. Lee laughs as we levitate into the sky. She’s right back to being herself again, pre Mitch’s resurrection.

  I get the feeling the key to a long healthy relationship with Lee is going to include keeping Mitch as far away as possible. China was good while it lasted. Maybe it’s time to notify the degenerates Hudson hangs with—pad his payday a little and see if Mitch makes it to Christmas.

  I try to let the thought sail out my mind, but it’s too late. It’s scalded itself into my brain, ingrained itself like a scar. I wouldn’t kill Mitch if it came down to it. But I sure as hell don’t mind entertaining the fantasy.

  “This is insane!” Lee points down at the beach house as we rise through the air, effortless as a kite.

  “There’s your baby.” I redirect her over to Shepherd in the east. It’s beautiful in all of its miniature glory, the hills, the neat rows of vines.

  “Oh, wow!”

  “Townsend on the left,” I say. Fuck. It looks like a death camp for foliage—nothing but dehydrated crap. Looks like I’m going to lose another good week figuring this mess out. The hit on my wallet is going to put a nice dent in Stella and Eli’s college fund. At this rate they won’t have one, and any dreams I might have had about retirement have long since evaporated. Maybe it is time Mitch gets back in the game. Maybe I’ll bill him with the one hundred thousand plus plumbing bill, see if that doesn’t shave a good ten years off the backend of his life.

  “We need to do this again sometime and bring the kids.” Lee wraps her arm around my waist and pulls me in close. Her affections migrate naturally without Mitch in the equation. Then a brick wall of a thought hits me. What if her affections stray in the other direction when I’m not around? Who knows what happened with Mitch last night. He’s already established the fact he’s not above forcing himself on her. Ironic since he accused me of the exact same thing.

  We start in on our descent, and Lee looks mystified.

  “Already?”

  “Already,” I assure her with a kiss that takes us all the way back down to earth.

  The pilot lands us in a field just north of a large stream that bisects old Johnson’s almond farm. Lee wanted this place more than air a few years back. I tried to make an offer, but Johnson was a greedy bastard. The price was too steep, and he wouldn’t budge.

  We head out and wave to the pilot as he takes off.

  She spins, taking it all in. Her hair follows, wafts through the breeze like down feathers. Lee catches the light and shimmers like gold.

  “Where are we?” She lands her arms around me again. “And please tell me indoor plumbing exists here.”

  “Johnson’s farm, and I think if we hike up past that ridge, there’s a termite-riddled outhouse. Of course, if you hike up that way, you’ll hit the main office. Rumor has it they have his/hers accommodations. If you flash a twenty, they might even throw in toilet paper.”

  “Max.” She swats me over the arm. “This place is beautiful.” She takes in a quick breath. “Look!” A table and two chairs are set up in the clearing next to the stream. A tall vase is set on top, brimming with wildflowers. It petrifies the landscape with its riot of color.

  “Now how did that get there?” I tease, taking her by the hand. We walk up next to the peaceful river. It’s so perfectly still it looks like sheet glass.

  “Lunch? Here?” Her lips give a deliciou
s curve. “You really know how to impress.” She hikes up on the balls of her feet and gives a quick kiss. A church kiss, the friends-only edition that one might get before being shown the big neon exit sign hanging over the relationship door.

  “I thought you’d enjoy catching your food.” I nod past her. “There’s a fire pit. We can gut ‘em and cook ‘em. Unless, of course, you prefer sushi.”

  “Fishing?” She goes rigid. Lee abhors the thought of sticking a hook in any living thing. She wants to believe all of her beloved proteins magically appear packaged in Styrofoam at the grocery store. She’s sweet that way. No survival instincts whatsoever, but sweet.

  Lee closes her eyes. “Dear God, deliver me from fishing.”

  I bark out a laugh as I pull her in. “Consider your prayers answered. See those?” I direct her to a pair of silver domes on a stand just past the table. “I’ve already caught the fish.” Not really, more like had a sushi chef flown in for the afternoon. Heard he was terrified by the sorry state of the kitchen.

  “If anything under there requires gutting, I promise, the air-mattress will be the least of your worries.” She lands a swift kiss on my lips before heading over to check out the fare. “Very nice, Shepherd.”

  “I thought so.” I join her at the table, and we lose ourselves in just being Lee and Max. It’s easy like this with Lee. The small talk, the soft hum of the stream, it’s all a pleasure to take in, not a moment of strangled silence. “So what do you think?” I wand my hand over the amenities.

  “You did good.” She leans in and feeds me a piece off her plate.

  “Mmm. Thank you.” I pull an envelope from my back pocket and hand it to her.

  “What’s this?” She peels the letter out and examines it for a moment. Her eyes widen with a mixture of pleasure and disbelief. “Max?”

  “What does it look like?”

  “Looks like a deed.” Her hair sails behind her like a beautiful flowing mane, and I want to remember her like this. There’s something ethereal about Lee, something that transcends beauty and rises above the mortal definition.