Whatever It Takes

by JM Stewart

  Staring at the doorway, she imagined the stairwell beyond the living room. Before she’d made a conscious decision, her feet moved of their own accord, carrying her through the darkened room and up the stairs.

  Approaching the bedroom doorway, the flickering light from the television brightened the otherwise darkened space. She stopped in the doorway, her stomach flip-flopping. Jackson sat up in the bed, propped by a mound of pillows at his back. The television provided a quiet hum, the glow casting flickering colors over his body. He hadn’t put a shirt on yet, and her gaze drifted over the expanse of exposed skin. Too well she remembered the warm silkiness gliding against hers the night she’d spent with him. She longed to be there again, to touch him.

  Except standing out on his chest were those ugly welts she wanted to kiss away. All of which had confusion warring in her stomach. She didn’t know if letting him in was what she wanted to do. She only knew she couldn’t deny that she was still in love with him.

  Allie lay curled against his side, sound asleep. Having taken one look at her father before dinner, she’d demanded he get back in bed and stay there until he got better. She hadn’t left his side since.

  “Want me to put her to bed?” Becca called from the doorway but couldn’t force herself to go inside.

  Jackson turned his head. When his gaze caught hers, his face lit up. The emotions staring back at her from the depths of his blue eyes startled her. Recognition. Heat. Happiness. Subtle, but there all the same. “Leave her be. She’s not bothering me.”

  Becca gave him an awkward smile, feeling somehow like a stranger in a room her heart told her was still theirs. “She’d likely hate me anyway. She may be glued to your side for a while.”

  Regret flashed in his eyes, creasing the corners of his mouth. “The accident frightened her. Are you planning on standing in the doorway, or would you like to come in?”

  When she didn’t move from her spot, he patted the bed beside him. The invitation was irresistible, but fear stuck in her chest. The accident, the terror of almost losing him, had chipped away at her defenses against him. She didn’t trust herself.

  “I promise not to bite.” A smile eased across his mouth, and mischief danced in his eyes. “Least, not unless you ask me to.”

  Any other time she might have rolled her eyes, except his comment sent her mind tumbling with memories. Of biting down on his shoulder as he brought her to the brink of bliss. Remembrance glittered in his eyes as well.

  “You’re obviously feeling better. The painkillers must have kicked in.” Ignoring the heat rolling through her belly, she moved into the room. She couldn’t stand in the doorway all night. Her hands shook at her sides with every step. She could make an excuse and go to her room, but she didn’t want to. She missed him, missed spending time with him, and now more than ever, she needed to feel him solid and whole beside her. The knowledge carried her across the room, and she crawled into the bed, putting Allie between them.

  The way their relationship had always been. For the moment at least, they were a family again. The thought filled her chest with that impossible yearning. To have that again. She couldn’t deny that deep down, she wanted it.

  He winked at her. “I think it’s the company.”

  Sitting cross-legged on the bed, she couldn’t help a soft, half-nervous giggle. Heat slid across her cheeks, making her feel entirely too much like the girl she’d been. Seven years ago, his playful smile had charmed her right out of her karate uniform. “You’re a terrible flirt.”

  He turned to her, his eyes twinkling. “Only with you. Only with you.”

  She laughed. “Liar. Jeanette used to tell me all the time how much you shamelessly flirt with the old ladies in the office.”

  He chuckled. The deep, infectious sound washed over her like a caress, and she stopped to stare at him. It had been a long time since they’d laughed together.

  He’d noticed as well, for his smile fell, and an air of somberness filled the space between them. For a long moment, they regarded each other, and the emotion of the day caught up with her.

  “You really scared me, Jack.” The words tumbled from her mouth on a whisper. Fear tightened in her chest and the tears that had been prevalent all evening pricked behind her eyes again. The thought of losing him that way had tightened in her chest and wouldn’t let go.

  “I’m still here.” He touched her chin, his thumb sweeping from side to side.

  The hidden meaning in his words echoed back at her from the depths of his eyes. He was trying to reassure her that he’d meant it when he told her he wanted a second chance and he wasn’t going anywhere, or giving up. Her rational mind screamed at her to get up and leave, reminded her with every pounding heartbeat that by letting him in, she could end up back in the same place—hurt and having to walk away from him again. She’d been here before, one too many times. Jackson had always promised her the moon, but what she wanted was him. How could she trust that he wouldn’t end up back the way he was? Could people really change? More to the point, shouldn’t she stop wearing her heart on her sleeve? Because that’s exactly what she was doing, wearing her heart on her sleeve, and it terrified her.

  “May I tell you something?” The corners of his mouth turned down, small creases forming between his brows.

  The look had her thoughts shifting in another direction, because it was one she recognized. Something weighed on his mind.

  She nodded. “All right.”

  He dropped his hand to the bed beside him, but his gaze held hers, his features, for that moment, open and vulnerable. “I have never regretted anything more than that damn trip. I should never have gone.”

  Her hands trembled in her lap as his soft admission quickly overwhelmed her. That long-ago day, watching him leave for his trip the day before their anniversary, felt so far away now and yet so close. She still had the same fears, and all the same emotions flared again within her. The shock and the pain, and with them rose all the questions. This time, she had to know. “Why did you?”

  He shrugged his good shoulder halfheartedly. “Chasing a damn dream. A large client I wanted to impress. He couldn’t come to me and asked if I could come to him. My father has always been my biggest competition. I coveted his approval, but when I started my own company and he turned his back on me, I was determined to prove him wrong. I was just beginning to make a name for myself. Signing a big sports equipment company would have taken Kade Advertising officially global.”

  He sat silent, studying her, a vulnerability in his gaze that stunned her. Jackson was letting down his walls. She didn’t know what to do with what he’d given her. Was he for real? Or was this a farce? She couldn’t deny she yearned to believe him.

  After a moment, his fingers slid into hers, where her hands sat in her lap, and his voice lowered to an intimate whisper. “For whatever it’s worth, I had plans to take you down to Mexico again when I got back.”

  She didn’t miss the hidden meaning in these words, either. They’d spent their honeymoon in Mexico. Which meant he’d planned a second honeymoon. The sweetness of the gesture wrapped around her, and guilt rose up to strangle her. Suddenly none of what happened thirteen months ago made any sense, and yet she saw the time in a way she never had. He’d hurt her, but she’d hurt him, too. She hadn’t meant to, but the fact remained that she had. It took two to make or break a marriage. Suddenly her faults stared her in the face, and the thought of hurting him made her chest ache. She hadn’t meant to. She’d meant to protect her heart, had been so positive he hadn’t loved her. Now she didn’t know what was real anymore.

  But he’d been brave enough to be honest with her, so she had to give him the same in return. She had regrets too. Big ones.

  “I’m sorry I left the way I did. I was so hurt, but you didn’t deserve that.” The colors of the quilt blurred behind a veil of tears that filled her eyes. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Ja
ck.”

  “I’m sorry, too.” He wiped the tears from her cheeks with the pad of his thumb, his voice soft and gentle. “More than I can tell you. The question is, what do you want?”

  “You.” The word left her mouth unbidden, on a barely audible whisper, but she couldn’t deny its truth. She clasped her hands tightly together. Here she was wearing her vulnerability on her sleeve again. Right then, she knew they needed it, but it left her feeling open and exposed, and she could only pray it was the right decision, that she wouldn’t come to regret it again. “I’ve always only wanted you, but I left and you didn’t come after me. After years of watching you shut me out, I assumed you didn’t want me.”

  He took her hand again, threaded his fingers with hers, and lifted it to his mouth, kissing the back.

  “I didn’t do it on purpose, Beck.” His thumb stroked her knuckles, his voice a muted hum between them. “Truth is, you have always scared the hell out of me. You’re so honest, so open. You don’t ever let me hide, and it’s disconcerting. With my parents, it was all about perception, about giving out the proper impressions. Lord, I think my parents should have been born in the Middle Ages.”

  He went still and stiff beside her and she waited for him to speak again, afraid if she interrupted, she’d break whatever spell held him bound.

  “It’s difficult to talk to you about certain things. My parents taught me differently. I desperately wanted to earn their affection so I did anything they wanted.”

  He released a heavy breath and shook his head.

  “My childhood isn’t a pretty picture. You don’t drop these sort of details into polite conversation. I spent a lot of holidays with my housemaster’s family. My parents usually took off somewhere else, leaving me to fend for myself, and she took pity on me. When I came home, my parents left me with nannies. I rarely saw them, except in passing. The older I got, the worse they got. I don’t think I’ve actually spent time with my parents in a couple of years. My childhood has always embarrassed me.” He went silent, for a moment staring out ahead of him, as if, perhaps, his memories played through his mind. Finally, he drew a breath and looked down at his lap. “The way you describe your relationship with your brothers, the love, the laughter . . . I don’t have memories like those. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother laugh.”

  His quiet words seeped inside and melted a little more of the ice around her heart. She couldn’t imagine being part of a family that didn’t bombard you with love. Her family had always been close. It drove her nuts sometimes, the playful ribbing, the way that she could never hide, but at the same time, she’d always cherished her relationship with them. When she needed someone, she’d always known she could count on any one of them.

  “You never felt loved.” Her heart ached to think of the child he must have been, the loneliness he had to have felt. His words to her the day of their argument, when he’d asked her to dance, came flooding back. I know all about loneliness, Beck. My entire childhood was one long, endless streak of it. She was so sure that day he was only trying to charm her, but he hadn’t been.

  He glanced over at her and stared for a moment, as if searching for something in her, then turned his gaze back to the TV. The light cast an eerie glow over his features, playing with shadows under his eyes. He looked older somehow, worn out. She found herself holding her breath and waiting for him to speak again. The part of her that still loved him, that had longed for his honesty for so many years, hung on his every word.

  “No.” He lowered his voice, so quiet beneath the hum from the television that she almost hadn’t heard him. His jaw tightened, and tension radiated off him. “You’re very lucky, what you have with your family. I have always been very envious of you.”

  “Mom loves you too, you know.” The pain in his voice and in his eyes had the words falling from her mouth. It was an irrational yearning, and it went against the cynical part of her that still insisted she was being a fool, but she had to give him something, anything, to somehow take away the hurt within him. If only because she couldn’t imagine living like that. “They all do. Malia says you’re a part of the family whether I like it or not.”

  His soft smile warmed her insides, even if it turned those insides into knots at the same time. She was entirely too aware in that moment that this quest of hers could end up failing again, except Malia was right: she owed it to both of them to find out whether or not he really loved her. She owed it to their daughter.

  And it started with something as simple as inviting him to a family get-together. Lila had called a few days before. The family was getting together for a luau. Whenever someone had news, it was what they did. Malia and Evan threw a traditional Hawaiian feast in celebration. The last one had been eight months ago, when Ceci and Malia both announced they were pregnant. Jackson hadn’t come to one since they separated, but to not invite him would seem rude. This time at least she’d have the excuse that they were living together, but she couldn’t deny it was an excuse to spend time with him. Her family’s reaction to his presence would tell her whether or not she was making a big mistake by letting him in again.

  She dropped her gaze to her lap, stroking her thumb along the thick pad at the base of his fingers. “There’s a luau on Saturday.”

  He glanced over at her. “What’s the occasion?”

  She looked up at him and smiled. “Lila’s pregnant.”

  “I thought she and Chase couldn’t have children?”

  The joy in her sister-in-law’s voice days earlier filled her head. When she’d spilled the news, Lila’s voice had trembled with a mixture of elation and relieved tears. “Neither did they.”

  “Well good for them.”

  The warmth in his voice had the same emotion blooming in her chest. She traced the lines of stitching for a moment, the words she needed to say caught in her throat. If she was going to find out if he still loved her, she’d have to let herself be vulnerable with him too, and it had her trembling. But the thought of him alone, with no family, provided another heap of guilt on top of the rest. They were his family, too. Probably the only ones he had. “Will you come with me?”

  He remained silent for a moment. “Do you want me to?”

  The somber edge in his voice made her glance over at him. The same emotion echoed out at her from his eyes as well. He wanted to know if she wanted him there. A desperate part of her wondered if she was making the right decision. What if they ended up back in the same place? She might only get her heart broken again. But he was being honest with her. She had to give him the same in return, because the truth was, she wanted him there. If only to see where the time with him would lead them. Letting the dream die had been the hardest moment of her life. Now, the girl she’d once been, who’d fallen hard for him, ached to put it all back together again.

  So, she squeezed his fingers and let herself be honest with him. “Very much.”

  Relief flooded his features, and his thumb drifted across her knuckles, intimate, soothing, and electrifying. He turned back to the TV, this time more relaxed. “To tell you the truth, I don’t tell you things because I don’t want to burden you with my drivel. My father always told me I wasn’t ever to burden someone else with my emotional nonsense. He usually told me this when I had something I wanted to share with him. I always hated him for it.”

  Her chest constricted. She turned to stare at the TV, watching the images flicker across the screen, and squeezed his fingers again. “It’s not drivel and it’s never a burden, Jack. I like when you talk to me.”

  More than she knew how to tell him. The soft rumble of his voice, his sexy Southern accent, could lull her to sleep. Listening to him always soothed something within her, even if he only babbled about the weather.

  A comfortable silence fell between them and set her simultaneously at ease and on edge. The small intimacy he’d shared meant the world to her, but the feeling left her at odds w
ith herself. A small part of her kept expecting the bottom to drop out from beneath her. This side of him was like seeing him again for the first time, truly seeing him. The closer she felt to him, the more terrified she became, and the more she feared she’d wake up to discover she was only dreaming.

  The longer they sat together, though, watching TV in silence, their fingers entwined beneath the covers, the larger the yearning in her stomach grew. To see where this new development in their relationship would lead them. She only knew one thing: if she didn’t at least try, than she was a coward.

  An hour later the movie finally ended, and as the credits rolled down the screen, they sat in silence, tension mounting between them. Technically, she needed to leave his room, but the truth was, she had no desire to.

  She drew a deep breath and glanced over at him. “I should go back to my room. I don’t want to confuse Allie, and I’d imagine you’re probably tired. Today was a long day.”

  Tenderness mixed with regret in his gaze as he looked over at her. “I’ll admit I am a bit fatigued, but I’m not ready to let you go yet. Stay a bit longer? Watch another movie with me?” Her gaze flicked to Allie, nervousness rising up over her. Something he caught, for his fingers tightened in hers. “She sleeps like the dead. One movie, then you can go.”

  It was the longing in his eyes that made the decision for her, if only because it echoed the same emotions within her. God, she couldn’t resist that face, never had been able to.

  She nodded. “One more. What’s on?”

  He released her hand to pick up the remote, turning to the cable’s on-screen guide. “Don’t know. Let’s pick one.”

  Chapter Nine

  Jackson woke the next morning to a warm body against his side. Opening his eyes, he expected to see Allie but found Becca instead. She lay curled against him. Her skin was warm and her arm deliciously heavy on his stomach. She looked beautiful, her eyes closed in peaceful slumber. Her silky golden locks fanned the pillow beside him. He had no memory of drifting off, but clearly they’d both fallen asleep during that last movie.