Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

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Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships Page 7

by Duggar, Jill


  The heart change for me began that day when she handed me that unexpected gift. I couldn’t believe it at first. What kid doesn’t like getting a gift? I was thinking I was getting a head start on birthday gifts, but I was pretty sure my birthday wasn’t anytime soon. Then Jana told me she loved me and just wanted to give me a gift to show me she loved me.

  When I tore off the paper and saw her beautiful jewelry box, I was speechless. Even though I was only six, I understood what a treasure she was giving me. I knew how much she loved that jewelry box!

  Our family travels together often—and of course we have our conflicts. Here we are at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida. Notice our matching outfits!

  After that, somehow, it was no longer fun to annoy Jana. That’s not to say I instantly stopped all the annoying habits I’d developed in my young life so far, but never again did I view Jana as someone who was fun to harass. From that time on, we began to spend more time playing together and doing things alongside each other, and she continued to show me how much she loved me in different ways.

  Today, we’re close friends as well as sisters, but I know this might not be the case if Jana hadn’t forgiven me and taken that selfless step, way back in our childhood, to invest in my life and show me that she loved me. She truly demonstrated to me the principle behind the verse that says, “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matthew 6:21).

  Today we know families where adult siblings still can’t get along because all throughout their growing-up years their relationships focused more on irritating each other than on being friends. We’re so thankful our parents have put such a priority on helping us overcome those challenges at a young age. And we encourage all of you older girls who are reading this book to see that if you have a younger sibling who seems to make a hobby of constantly getting on your nerves, it’s most likely a desire for your acceptance. As you include your little sister or brother in your life and show genuine love, even when it’s contrary to what might seem like a natural reaction, we predict you’ll see a turnaround in your relationship.

  If your problem is with a sibling, friend, or even an enemy, the basic principles are still the same. God commands us to forgive those who have wronged us or offended us. And then He wants us to go a step further, that “second mile,” and actually bless our offenders with kindness and prayer. Years ago, Mom and Dad gave us kids a wonderful example of blessing an enemy; it’s one that we remember to this day.

  BLESSING YOUR “ENEMY”

  OUR PARENTS HAVE BEEN in the real estate business for more than thirty years, and one of the ways they support our family is through the income from rental properties. Years ago, we were building the house we now live in, and money was very tight. Our family really needed the income from every property we had rented.

  But one tenant in a commercial building stopped paying. Every month he would promise Dad he’d pay up soon. Next week for sure, he would say. But next week turned into next month, and no payment was made. Months went by, and no rent was paid. Finally, as much as he disliked doing it, Dad had to evict the tenant. But the guy wouldn’t leave! The local sheriff had to get involved, and it was a very unpleasant experience for everyone. But after they finally got him out, the unpleasant incident worsened when Mom and Dad saw the inside of the building: it had been vandalized. Walls had been spray-painted, electrical switches had been smashed with a hammer, and we found out the tenant had also drilled holes in the roof just out of meanness. To return it to rentable status required a lot of extra time and money we could not afford.

  Meanwhile, we learned that the tenant had done the same thing to previous landlords, changing his personal and business name to avoid detection.

  Shortly after he moved out of our building, we were surprised to learn that another property owner in our area had leased a commercial building to the man—even after Dad warned him about the man’s prior offenses.

  The unscrupulous tenant had cost our family a lot, and it would have been easy to feel resentful toward him. But instead Mom sat us all down, and together we prayed for the man’s soul. She asked the Lord to bring people into his life who would point him to a relationship with God and that God would bless him with the character qualities he lacked, including honesty and integrity. Mom also asked God to heal him of the alcoholism that held him in a tight grip and also that he’d no longer be controlled by anger.

  Then Mom asked us kids to think about what we could do to bless him.

  It’s normal to think of seeking revenge against someone who’s wronged us. But again and again, God’s Word teaches us that forgiveness heals in ways far beyond our understanding. And that was the powerful lesson Mom was demonstrating for us that day.

  We made some homemade bread and honey butter, loaded up the van, and drove down the road to the man’s new offices. Mom and I (Jill) and a couple of the other kids took the gift to him.

  You can imagine the shock on his face when Mom said, “Hello. I’m Michelle Duggar, Jim Bob’s wife, and we’ve brought you a little gift.”

  When we handed him the bread and honey butter, he quietly said, “That’s very Christian of you.” We wished him well, and returned to the van. He never apologized for his misdeeds, and we have no way of knowing what impact our unexpected gift had on him. But that wasn’t the point. That day Mom was teaching us kids what Jesus meant when He told us to bless our enemies. Not that this man was an enemy in the normal sense of the word. But he had wronged us, and the experience could have left a brand of bitterness on our family for years to come. Instead, we saw just the opposite demeanor—humility and grace—in the character of our parents as they emphasized to us that people are far more important than things.

  PRACTICING CONFLICT RESOLUTION

  BECAUSE LOVE AND CHRIST-LIKE character have always been their desire for us kids, Mom and Dad are constantly teaching us, by their words as well as their actions, how to resolve our differences in ways that keep our relationships with each other strong and healthy. They have encouraged us to not hold a grudge or give someone the silent treatment—ignoring each other and with our body language saying, I’m mad at you, and I don’t want to be around you. Instead, our parents encourage us to take care of an offense quickly and to do it before the day is over (see Ephesians 4:26). And then, once it’s resolved, it’s over. No hard feelings. We give each other a hug and go back to being best friends.

  Apologies and forgiveness are crucial to this process, but we are learning that many of these ill feelings can be avoided from the start if we have a correct response at the onset of a situation. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger.” This is why Mom works hard to respond to frustrating situations with a soft, almost-whisper voice—and encourages us to do the same. She’s seen that responding with loud, angry words only serves to bring more heat to the confrontation.

  Mom had her hands full with infant twins John-David and Jana plus toddler Josh. Little did she know then that God would give her and Daddy sixteen more children in the years ahead.

  Words are like toothpaste in the sense that once they come out of our mouths, they are not going back in. When we find ourselves in the middle of a conflict where an argument is erupting or a wrong is being committed against us, Mom encourages us to think before we speak and ask God to help us have a soft answer.

  TALKING SWEET

  IT IS UNDERSTOOD IN our household that tattling—taking a grievance straight to Mom and Dad—is not the proper way to handle a dispute. If we complain to Mom and Dad, we know that their first question will be “Did you talk sweet?” If our answer is no, we have no business coming to Mom and Dad.

  In Matthew 18, Jesus tells us that if our brother (or anyone) has offended us, we are supposed to go to that person and try to work things out in a kind and gentle way. Only after we have tried to encourage offenders to “turn their heart toward God and do what is right” (as Mom explains it) should we then bring the problem to t
he one in charge. Mom would remind us that our motive should not be to expose sin or evil deed, but to restore the “offender” to a right relationship with God and the people they’ve offended.

  So here’s how it works: Let’s say Jill and I (Jana) are youngsters again, and Jill takes my cupcake. I can’t first run to Mom and Dad and yell, “Jill took my cupcake!” That would be tattling. To be a restorer, I need to sweetly ask Jill to give it back to me. My natural tendency is to say, “Jill, you give that back, or you’re in big trouble!” but that’s not how to restore the relationship. Instead, I need to say, “Jill, would you please do what is right and give my cupcake back?”

  If Jill doesn’t return the cupcake (preferably uneaten), then I go to Mom or Dad with the problem. And most likely, Jill will face some consequences that give her a clear picture of what she did wrong. Mom and Dad guide the younger Duggar kids through this conflict-resolution training several times a day. This is not something that comes natural. It is learned behavior. Our parents have tried to be consistent, and they have seen it pay off.

  Our parents have told us that a true friend is someone who encourages us to do what is right. As brothers and sisters, we’re also friends. We each have a responsibility in the Duggar family to keep one another accountable. So if I (Jinger) see James ride down the driveway on Justin’s new bicycle without permission and then leave it lying in the mud behind one of the cars, I don’t tell Mom about it. I first go to James and encourage him to do the right thing: move the bike, clean off the mud, and then apologize to Justin for mistreating his new bicycle and for riding it without first asking Justin for permission.

  If James refuses or says he’ll do it later, then I’ve done all I can, and now it’s time to get a parent involved. I would ask James to come with me to talk it over with Mom and Dad—and again, the conversation needs to unfold in a sweet, respectful tone. Our heart’s motive here is so important. It should be our goal to see relationships restored, not merely to be the first one to expose others’ misdeeds to Mom or Dad. Mom will often ask us, “Are you looking to be a restorer or an exposer?”

  It takes a little while for the youngest ones to understand this system and get the hang of it. But those of us who are older can clearly understand how it helps maintain the peace in our family’s home. As we have resolved to respectfully work out sibling arguments on our own, we find that most issues can be resolved without having to take it to a parent. Practicing this from an early age has proven to be beneficial preparation for adult life and going into the workplace, because the core principles for conflict resolution are the same—no matter our age.

  SAYING “PLEASE DON’T”

  ANOTHER SIMPLE DUGGAR FAMILY tradition that’s crucial when one person is annoying another are the words “Please don’t.” In our family, those two code words mean “Don’t do that again.”

  For example, if Jeremiah grabs his twin brother Jedidiah around the neck and wants to wrestle, Jed has two choices. He can take him on and have a friendly wrestling match, or he can say, “Please don’t,” and the wrestling stops. Jeremiah must stop wrestling with Jedidiah. That’s the rule. No yelling, “Quit it!” or, “Stop it!” or, “I’m gonna tell on you.” When a Duggar says, “Please don’t,” that’s to be the end of it, and if the person doing the pestering doesn’t stop, he or she is in trouble.

  Mom and Dad also teach us that we need to be aware of what we’re doing with our siblings and stop our own annoying behavior before it gets to the “Please don’t” stage. For example, if Jackson is whistling in Jason’s ear while he’s trying to concentrate on reading a book, and it’s clear Jason doesn’t like it, Jackson should ask himself, Am I the only one enjoying this?

  If one person is having fun and the other isn’t, then, as Dad says it, “There is something wrong with this picture!” It’s called aggravating, or around our house, “stirring up strife.” And the aggravating behavior needs to stop; the one-sided fun is over.

  SHARING PRACTICAL JOKES

  NOW, AROUND OUR HOUSE there is a lot of fun and laughter throughout the day. Someone tells a funny joke or story, or plays a practical joke on someone, or someone does something that isn’t meant to be funny but turns out that way. We love having fun together as long as it doesn’t get out of hand.

  A few years ago the Bates family, who also have nineteen children, came to Arkansas for a visit and to help us with some tree work after a big ice storm had hit our area. One afternoon, Dad was running some errands with Grandma Duggar when they decided to stop for some ice cream. As they pulled in to the parking lot of the ice cream shop, they noticed the Bates van parked by the right side entrance, and they saw Mrs. Kelly and several of her kids in the store. Dad pulled up and parked beside the Bates van, and as he and Grandma were getting out, he saw the oldest daughter, Michaela, sitting in the van with some of the littlest Bates kids.

  Grandma and Dad opened the van door to say hi to Michaela, and then Dad got an idea. “Hey, why don’t I pull your van around to the other side of the building to play a joke on your mom?” They all laughed at the thought of the rest of the family coming out with hands full of ice-cream cones and just assuming they’d forgot which side of the shop they’d parked on. Dad hopped in as the driver, and Grandma rode shotgun as they zipped around the back to the other side of the building.

  But at that exact moment, one of the Bates girls in the ice-cream shop (not to mention any names, but hers is spelled E-R-I-N) looked up and started screaming to her mom that she just saw some guy drive off in their van. Then they both started screaming for the person scooping the ice cream, “Call the police! Call the police! Someone just hijacked our van!”

  The guy whipped out his cell phone and hurriedly dialed 9-1-1. About that time they saw the van reappear on the other side of the building with Grandma Duggar in the passenger seat wearing a big grin on her face. They were still in shock, but they told the guy on the phone with the police, “Oh, it’s just Grandma!”

  We love visiting the Bates family at their home in Tennessee, shown here, or having their family visit us. But because both families have nineteen kids (and counting!), it’s a houseful.

  Then they all came running out and told us how badly they had been frightened. But once their nerves had calmed down, everyone had a good laugh. Then they warned Dad, “Beware. What goes around, comes around!” And they assured him they would be looking for an opportunity to pull a little prank on him as well.

  A few days later as Dad was burning a big pile of tree limbs that had fallen in the ice storm, he left one of the boys to keep an eye on the fire for a while. Mr. Bates got the idea to have one of the kids come running into the house yelling, “Fire! Fire!” and then everyone else was to cause a commotion like it was something serious. Well, it worked beautifully. We had never seen Dad move so fast! He jumped up out of his chair and quickly began filling up a big trash can full of water. Then he took off for the front door, hollering for help.

  When he got outside, Mr. Bates announced this was Dad’s payback and it was all a planned joke. There was a fire, but it was just the same controlled burn Dad had left an hour before. We all had a good laugh, and Dad may have learned his lesson when it comes to playing practical jokes on the Bateses!

  LAUGHING WITH, NOT AT

  USUALLY STORIES LIKE THESE are hilariously recounted when we all get together in the evenings for family devotions, or as we call it, Bible time. Almost every night around eight thirty our family gathers, usually in the boys’ room, to discuss the happenings of the day and the plans or events on the Duggar schedule for the following day. Then we pray together and read a passage of Scripture (sometimes the Proverb that corresponds to the day of the month) and discuss how it applies to everyday life. Each one of us has an opportunity to share.

  One night during Bible time, Josiah told how he and John were cruising down the road at fifty miles per hour in Dad’s one-ton Dodge pickup, which is equipped with a tow truck wheel-lift on the back. Someone had forgot
ten to shut off the lift’s power switch, and Josiah accidentally bumped the remote control with his foot, causing the arm to lower down to the road. Like a hydraulic jack, it lifted the rear tires of the truck up off the payment, and suddenly the back end of the truck skidded around into the ditch on the opposite side of the two-lane road.

  It had to be a terrifying few seconds as the truck seemed to be picked up and spun around from the back by a huge, invisible hand and the guys suddenly found themselves staring out the front windshield up into the sky, bewildered by what had just happened! Thankfully no one was injured and by the time they drove the truck back home, Josiah was ready to share at Bible time, “You’re not gonna believe what happened!”

  We were grateful the incident had a good outcome. When Josiah shared his story, no one criticized or put him down for what had happened. Putting someone down, being critical, or making fun of someone by mocking or even calling names is not showing respect. Whether it’s done in jest or with a spirit of cruelty, it can cause hurt that lasts a lifetime. Realizing how close they came to such a dangerous situation, we all took a moment to pray together and thank God for His providential protection, even for the fact that there was not a car coming in the other direction.

  EARNING RESPECT

  WHEN YOU GROW UP seeing how Scripture speaks to every area of life and how biblical principles make it possible to maintain close and loving relationships between yourself and your siblings, you see how the same practices carry over into relationships with others outside the family.

  It’s so easy to get upset when someone does something irritating or unfair or even damaging. But when we respond with love and respect for the other person, and with an attitude of humility rather than self-righteousness, the relationship can be strengthened rather than weakened.

 

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