by Duggar, Jill
Mom and Dad tell us that friends may come and go throughout our lives, but our brothers and sisters will always be our siblings, so it is especially important to keep these relationships strong and full of love and respect.
Sometimes it’s easy to become frustrated when younger siblings pretend to temporarily have hearing problems when we’re trying to talk to them, or when they leave toys scattered around our bedroom floor for the umpteenth time. In these situations, Mom and Dad have reminded us that respect is something to be earned, not demanded.
To maintain order and harmony in the home, we have always had a “chain of command,” with Mom and Dad at the top and the “command” passing down the birth-order line from eldest to youngest. This is not something that lets older siblings assign their responsibilities to someone else. And it doesn’t mean the older siblings have little servants waiting on them hand and foot. That’s never allowed! The system is for those times when an older child encourages a younger child to do what is right or not do something wrong, and the younger child is expected to listen.
If I (Jinger) am babysitting my younger siblings and I say, “All right, kids, playtime is over. Let’s clean up the house before bedtime,” then all the kids know they’re expected to stop what they’re doing and start straightening up the house.
Mom and Dad have banned the phrases “You can’t tell me what to do!” and “You’re not my boss!” from our home, and they remind the younger children that their older siblings are their elders and they should treat them as such. So Johannah can ask Josie to help her pick up the toys in the playroom, and Josie needs to do it. Josiah can ask James not to whistle in the car, and he needs to stop. Joy can call all her younger siblings out to the bus after a road trip and delegate tasks to get the bus back in order, and everyone needs to listen to her instructions and cooperate.
This process has been very beneficial and has helped our family work together as a team. As long as the older siblings are telling the younger ones to do something good and right, something Mom and Dad would agree with, the younger ones need to listen and comply. And if they can’t comply for some reason, they are encouraged to graciously explain why but with a respectful attitude, and not by smarting off with “I’m not gonna do it, and you can’t make me!”
As older siblings, we have found that one of the fastest ways to earn respect from younger siblings is by respecting them. Sure, they may be half our age, but they are people, too, and they appreciate being treated with respect, just as we do.
When one of us complains about a younger sibling ignoring us or not being willing to listen to our advice, Mom says, “I know you want them to listen to you and respect you, but have you taken time to listen to them and hear what they have to say?”
Her words make us stop and realize how often we may have been too busy to hear them tell their favorite joke (yes, the same one we have heard over and over at least twenty times). Or to hear them excitedly tell us about the new words they are learning to read. Or maybe to listen to them play a violin piece they’ve been working hard on for several weeks.
When I (Jessa) was young, the thing that meant the most to me was seeing my older siblings enjoy my sense of humor. I know now that I didn’t always have the funniest wisecracks or jokes to share, but I really felt loved and important when they listened to me and laughed at things I thought were funny.
Jinger has a special talent when it comes to musical abilities. She has always been diligent in her music practice and has really excelled. She is concert-pianist material! But when she was younger, there was a time when she compared herself to some of us other siblings, and I could tell she was a bit discouraged. Different ones of us were able to cheer her on with an encouraging word here and there, and today, she’s the one giving us piano-playing tips!
As older siblings, our words and actions have so much power—they can either boost or shoot down our younger brothers’ and sisters’ self-esteem. Mom and Dad have encouraged us to praise the good character we see in our siblings instead of always focusing on the negative things. Instead of focusing on the food still stuck to the corner of the table after a little one tried to wipe it down, we’ve learned to praise their efforts in doing the job in the first place.
Our film crew posed us in front of an old, abandoned house in our area for a recent photo shoot.
Mom explained that praise is not the same thing as flattery. Praise focuses on character qualities such as diligence, attentiveness, or creativity, while flattery is saying things like “You’re so gorgeous” or “You’re so smart” or “You’re the best violinist in the whole world.” Flattery can create a wrong attitude of pride because it focuses on outward appearance or God-given talents—things that individuals can’t rightfully take the credit for.
Don’t get us wrong; we should definitely be telling our little sister that we like her hairstyle or that her outfit is adorable. She needs to hear that from us more than from anyone else. But it is only half as important as her hearing us say we were blessed by her initiative in cleaning up the kitchen without being asked, or her generosity in sharing her candy with her little brother.
We’ve heard it said, “Be careful what you praise someone for, because he or she will want to do more of it.” And we’ve found this to be true. As we have praised a sibling for good character, we see him or her work even harder at the task in the future. Younger (and older) siblings grow and thrive on praise and acceptance.
When you’re trying to gain respect, it never ever helps to say things like “I wish you would just go away!” or “You’re always getting on my nerves!” Something else that is known to cut deep is name-calling of any sort, even jokingly. If our siblings hear anything from us, it should be things like “You’re so much fun to be around” or “You’ve got a great sense of humor.” And if, for some reason, we can’t think of anything else to say, we can always tell them, “I love you so much!”
As older siblings, we have had many times when younger siblings want to be just like us, whether it’s dressing like us or wanting to go where we go or even wearing the same hairstyle. An incident many years ago served as a lesson to us all. A younger sibling asked, “What kind of ice cream are you getting?” and the frustrated older sibling replied, “You don’t have to always copy everything I do! Why don’t you just pick out your own flavor?”
Mom immediately took that older sibling aside and shared how much hurt and devastation a remark like that causes. She explained that the greatest form of admiration is imitation, and instead of being upset when a younger sibling wants to imitate us, we should realize that the young one is looking up to us and thinking the world of us. They want to be just like us, and one jabbing remark like that could greatly damage the relationship.
Apologies were made, and the younger sibling readily forgave. The older sibling resolved to never speak demeaning words like that again but rather to embrace and uplift this sibling, and today, these two continue to be the best of friends.
One thing that is sure to build respect is to ask a family member to point out our “blind spots.” From time to time, and usually during every heart-to-heart talk, Mom and Dad have asked us kids to do this for them—to lovingly and respectfully point out things they may have unknowingly done to offend us or things they may have done that embarrassed or irritated us. They are willing to calmly listen to what we have to say and then apologize for misunderstandings or other things that have hurt us. That practice has given us older kids the courage to do the same with our younger siblings.
You can be sure this is not easy! It’s especially hard not to react or want to defend ourselves. We call them “blind spots” for a reason—because often, we have a hard time seeing these actions and behaviors. They are like those spots from inside a vehicle as we’re driving down the road and about to change lanes. We look out the rear- and side-view mirrors and don’t see anything. But if we rely only on the mirrors and don’t physically turn our head and look around before merging lanes
, we’re likely to hit the car that was there all along but was “hidden” in our blind spot.
I (Jessa) had an experience like that several years ago when I was a new driver. I went to the local grocery store to pick up some food for supper, and as I was backing out of my parking space, there was a car behind me that I couldn’t see in any of my mirrors. But it was there nonetheless, and I ran right into it. I quickly pulled back into my parking space and got out to inspect the damage. My vehicle was fine, but I had put a large dent between the rear wheel well and the back fender of the other car. I had to wait for the lady to come out of the store, and then make restitution for the damage I had caused. I certainly didn’t ram into her car on purpose. But just the same, the damage was done, and I was responsible.
In the same way, we sometimes do things that unknowingly hurt our siblings They may not come out and say, “You hurt me when you said or did such-and-such,” but when we ask them to share these things and they know we won’t react harshly or defensively, trust is built in our relationship.
BEING A LOYAL SIBLING
WE WANT TO TOUCH briefly here on the topic of loyalty among siblings and being willing to stand up for and encourage one another even when others make fun or tease. This is something that is stressed in the Duggar household. If someone is teasing our little brother because he’s short for his age, or if a friend is about to pull a prank that would bring embarrassment on an unsuspecting sibling, we want to gently and lovingly take a stand and say, “Hey, that’s not very nice. Let’s not do that,” or “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk that way about my sister.”
Likewise, if someone is making a joke of a sibling’s outfit choice or hairstyle, we siblings should never join in or laugh along with the “joker.” Disloyalty among siblings, even in the smallest incidents, can cause hurt feelings that can last a lifetime. To rephrase an old saying: Sticks and stones may break a person’s physical bones, but mocking or scorning words will most definitely break a person’s spirit and destroy his or her self-confidence.
As an example, in Arkansas, teens can get their learner’s driver’s license at the age of fourteen, and in the Duggar family, the first vehicle we usually learn to handle is the fifteen-passenger van. As a prerequisite, years before this, Dad starts us off on the riding lawn mower, so by the time we get our permit, we are comfortable behind the wheel. However, in the first few months, new drivers in our family assume the responsibility of driving our family to and from church on Sunday mornings, and it can be a little intimidating to have thirteen backseat drivers all trying to tell you to “Slow down!” or “Speed up!” and “Don’t forget to turn your blinker on.”
Duggar kids learn to drive first by being assigned lawn-mowing duties on the riding mower. Then they move up to driving the RTV around the property. Joy, shown here chauffeuring some younger Duggars, now has her learner’s permit and is an excellent driver.
Mom and Dad have stressed that there’s a distinct line between giving advice and degrading someone as a person. We have had friends overreact with some of our siblings and insinuate that they don’t want to be a passenger in the vehicle the sibling is operating—or even come right out and tell the sibling that he or she is a bad driver. That’s definitely a situation when we will speak up and say, “Aww, that’s not nice to say. He’s actually a very good driver! Probably better than I was at his age.”
Our parents have set an example for us in giving lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement to new drivers by saying, “Good job on making that turn” and “You’re getting a lot smoother with your acceleration and braking.” Our parents have encouraged us not only to stand up to others when they are putting down or mocking our siblings but also to go a step further and seek to constantly communicate the love and respect we hold toward one another.
For instance, Josiah recently started driving our family’s bus, and even though he’s just sixteen, he handles it very well. Even if we’re a little nervous when a new driver is at the wheel, we resolve to give advice only when necessary and to praise the new driver to our friends, pointing out that he or she is a cautious and safe driver.
We have found that when friends hear us speak words of affirmation and praise about our siblings, the chances that they will speak negatively or poke fun at them are much smaller. We’ve found that it’s refreshing when people sincerely build each other up instead of look for something to criticize and or critique. By God’s grace, this is something all of us are trying to focus on in our lives.
BEING A SERVANT-LEADER
BECAUSE ALL OF US siblings are close and because we enjoy being together, we’re always overjoyed to learn that another Duggar brother or sister is on the way. Since we were very young, Mom was always good to let us help out with the baby in ways that were age-appropriate. Mom would usually let us pick out an outfit for the littlest Duggar or let us rock the baby to sleep during naptime. And as the baby began eating his or her first table foods, we were able to help with feeding Cheerios or little jars of baby food. Looking back, we jokingly say it was like having live baby dolls. Of course, Mom was right there helping us all the time, but we absolutely loved getting to help out, and it was never considered drudgery.
As our family grew, we established the “buddy system,” which pairs all of us older guys and girls with a younger “buddy.” The buddy system has proved helpful time and again—especially with keeping track of everyone when we’re making our way through an airport or sightseeing in a busy place like New York City. We all look out for each other so no one gets lost or separated from the group.
Of course, Mom and Dad are still Mom and Dad, and they’re constantly filling that role with each one of us as our number-one buddies. But we older kids enjoy being able to help out whenever we can. We typically assist the littlest ones in ways such as fixing their hair or filling their plate at mealtime, or helping out with their music practice. Occasionally we may substitute for Mom in teaching a phonics lesson.
But lest you get the wrong impression, be assured this is not a one-sided ordeal. We also encourage our little buddies to practice doing things on their own and to help us with chores, working alongside us as we scrub dishes or work in the garden. This helps them grow and mature with the understanding that the world doesn’t revolve around them. As Mom has told us repeatedly, “A person will be blessed with true happiness and joy only when their focus in life is on what they can give, not get.” The Duggar household runs the smoothest when everyone—young and old—to the best of their ability, makes it their goal to serve and give 110 percent.
In Matthew 23:11–12, Jesus said, “He that is greatest among you shall be your servant. And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted.” By looking for ways to serve our younger siblings, we older kids have the opportunity to display servant-leadership, something Jesus calls every Christian to do. This attitude helps the younger kids respect us, and in turn, they desire to be a servant-leader toward their younger siblings. This mind-set has strengthened and brought us closer as a family, and it has helped us learn to work together as a team.
SHARING LOSS
WE WERE THRILLED WHEN Mom became pregnant in 2009 with the baby who turned out to be our sweet Josie. And when Josie was born in December of that year, nearly fifteen weeks early, she weighed one pound, six ounces. Her head was the size of a cue ball, and her body was oh so tiny.
Mom had suffered a nearly fatal episode of preeclampsia, and we all wanted nothing more during that time than to be together, cling to each other, and pray together as we thanked God for His mercy in sparing both Mom and Josie. No one thought it odd when Dad said the whole family would be moving to Little Rock for a few months so we could be together until Josie was ready to come home. That’s what we wanted.
We older children help, encourage, and mentor our younger siblings—or sometimes a younger niece, as Joy-Anna enjoys doing with our niece, Mackynzie.
Josie’s fragil
e start in life was one of the most difficult things we had ever experienced, but as the weeks passed and she grew stronger and stronger, we witnessed miracle after miracle as we saw how God used even Josie’s premature life to touch many people and draw our family closer together.
When Mom and Daddy told us in summer 2011 that another baby was coming, we were so happy. And in December of that year we excitedly waited for them to come home after Mom’s twenty-week ultrasound at her doctor’s office. As soon as someone spotted their car coming down the driveway, we sounded the alarm (meaning, put out a call over the intercom) and hurried to greet them.
The night before, we had held a family meeting to vote on which first and middle names we liked the best. If the baby was a girl, then we girls would be celebrating that the Duggar tribe would finally be split evenly: ten girls and ten boys. If it was a boy, we would celebrate a happy change of nursery colors after the birth of four baby girls in a row.
Mom and Dad were pelted with eager questions as soon as they came through the door. Then, when we’d all settled down, Daddy said softly, “Mama . . .”
Mama smiled a sweet smile and said, as tears welled up in her eyes, “We had the ultrasound . . . and there was no heartbeat. Our baby has died.”
We were stunned. Speechless. The baby brother or sister we had so looked forward to holding and playing with . . . was gone. There was no holding back the tears as Mom shared the story of how the technician had started the ultrasound, how she had looked and looked at the screen, how she had paused and turned to them, looking so sad, and said, “I’m so sorry.”