by Duggar, Jill
By taking a genuine, friendly interest in others, we can open doors to share about Jesus’s love and point others to His Word.
Bringing up spiritual matters can feel somewhat awkward at first! But when you’ve shown you truly care for others, the questions come more naturally and usually are understood as concern rather than as judgment or criticism.
Our friend Andrew had one of those experiences that paid off in a huge way when he was talking to another friend, Nathan Bates. As the two young men were talking about what they wanted to do with their lives, Andrew mentioned that he might want to go into photography. Nathan told Andrew he should be praying and asking God what He wants him to do with his life. That got Andrew thinking, and after some soul searching, he realized he had never truly committed his life to God and that he was directing his own life.
Andrew ended up asking Jesus to come into his life and to be his Lord and Savior. Nathan then offered to disciple him to help him grow as a Christian; Nathan became his “accountability buddy.” They both committed to start at the beginning of the Bible and read five chapters each day (knowing this would get them through the entire Bible in a year). Later Nathan invited our brother Joseph and a few other guys to join them in reading through the Bible. Each week Nathan would call up the guys individually to talk about what they had read and what they were learning. This grew into more than a dozen young men reading through the Bible together, and it had a huge impact on all of their lives.
Think about your last conversation with your friend. Did it lovingly challenge him or her spiritually?
Do your conversations tend to focus on a movie star you think is cute? A celebrity’s latest romantic encounter? A classmate’s messy breakup with her boyfriend? The shoes that girl in church was wearing? Or are they conversations that count for something? Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Many teenagers and young adults spend most of their time, energy, and thought focused on their friends and how they can have fun together. But think about the good you could do if your friendship focused not just on having fun right now but on matters of great importance—now and throughout eternity. We encourage you to carefully consider who you spend time with and what you do with that time. Jesus did not say to make friends but to make disciples!
STANDING ALONE
EVERYONE MAKES BAD CHOICES at times throughout life and ends up suffering the consequences for his or her actions. That’s why it’s so important to read the Bible and ask God what things He wants you to add to your life and what things He wants you to leave out. Predetermining what God wants you to leave out or add to your life is another way to describe standards or convictions. If you have strong convictions about what God wants you to do (or not do), then when you’re faced with a situation where friends ask you to do something, you can run it through the filter of God’s Word to know what He thinks about it. Living your life based on what you believe God’s Word says can sometimes mean not fitting in with the crowd, but in the long run, you will have avoided the pitfalls that have destroyed many young people’s lives. We should not judge one another or try to force our beliefs on others, but it doesn’t hurt to discuss what the Bible says about different topics to encourage each other in our walk with God.
One of the most important demonstrations of character and integrity comes when a person has the courage to stand for what he or she knows is right—even when that means standing alone.
One of the stories Mom and Dad have told us kids repeatedly is about a couple whose young daughter begged her parents to let her go to an overnight slumber party at one of her classmates’ homes. She felt this was a big deal, and all the other girls in her class were going to be there. The parents checked out the invitation and talked to the parents of the slumber party girl and decided to let their daughter go. But before her dad dropped her off, he talked to her about the importance of standing alone.
Jinger and Dad enjoyed our sightseeing flight over the Grand Canyon, but the scenery inside the little plane wasn’t so pretty. Most of us got really airsick.
He told her, “If someone ever asks you to do something you know is wrong, you can say politely, ‘I’ve given my life to Jesus, and I’m not able to do that.’ ” He prayed with her before she got out of the car, asking Jesus to make her a positive influence while she was with the other girls and also that she would have the courage to stand up for what was right.
The party was lots of fun, and the girl had a great time playing games with her friends. And of course, what is a birthday party without a big piece of cake and a scoop of vanilla ice cream? But late that night, before bed, the mom suggested they have a “pretend séance” using a Ouija board.
When the girl heard what this involved, she said respectfully and quietly to the group, “I’m not going to be able to do this.”
When the mom asked why not, the girl replied, “I’ve given my life to Jesus, and I’m not able to do things like this.”
The mother was stunned by the little girl’s words—and by her quiet courage in speaking up for her beliefs. She packed up the Ouija board and suggested the girls play something else before bed.
Our parents have told us this story many times, and as youngsters we role-played how we would respond to friends who suggested doing something we knew we shouldn’t do.
We all face times when someone—many times even a friend—might encourage us to do something we know we shouldn’t do. It’s essential to understand how to stand firm on what you know to be the truth, especially when it comes to something that would contradict God’s Word.
Sometimes Christians have to stand up for their own beliefs and convictions even when they’re with other Christians. This is much harder because, all too often, it will be fellow Christians who give us the hardest time over our differences. Other Christians sometimes assume that just because we choose to do or not do something we are judging them for not being exactly like us. That’s not the case! We realize that God leads people and that not everybody will embrace the same things or at the same time.
For example, some friends of ours had a husband and wife visiting at their house one day, and one of the kids suggested that this man join them for a card game—probably something like Speed or Spoons. But their friend politely refused. The kids thought that was unusual, but later the man explained that his father had been a gambler who had wasted away all the family savings, gambling on card games. As a result, the man had vowed that he would never touch a deck of playing cards. It was his personal conviction.
Sometimes when we see someone else’s convictions as offbeat, we may be tempted to try to talk that person out of something we see as silly or unnecessary. But this man’s story reminds us that God may have put that conviction in place for a specific reason, as a safeguard or protection. We should never make fun of others’ standards.
ENCOURAGING FRIENDS TO DO RIGHT
OUR PARENTS HAVE OCCASIONALLY cautioned us about a person who could be a bad influence, and they’ve given us ideas for how we might encourage him or her toward wiser decisions. Sometimes it’s amazing to see what just a few words can do to help someone reevaluate what he or she is doing; in the same way, simple words can encourage someone to grow in his or her walk with the Lord.
This is true even for the youngest children. Dad became a Christian when he was only seven, and one day when he and some other little grade school classmates were out on the playground, one of the boys started using God’s name as a curse word. Dad quietly told the boy he wished he wouldn’t misuse God’s name. “After all,” Dad told his little friend, “He’s the One who made us and loves us.”
From then on, when Dad was playing with these boys and a bad word slipped out, they would catch themselves and apologize. They really tried to think about the words they were saying. He and Mom have shown us that sometimes it’s good to speak up politely and res
pectfully in situations where something happens that we know is wrong—especially with our Christian friends—and to encourage them to do what is right.
If it’s true that the negative peer pressure of a friend is the greatest motivation to do wrong, then the opposite would also be true: positive peer pressure is the greatest motivation to do right. There will be times when, as a loving friend, we may need to bring it to someone’s attention that something he or she did or said has hurt or offended another person. Just as we discussed when we were talking about sibling relationships, in Matthew 18 Jesus gives us a proper way for handling offenses one-on-one, and it does not include blabbing gossip to other friends.
One of the things that destroys relationships with friends and siblings almost faster than anything else is mean-spirited teasing and joking. And often, this is another situation that calls for you to speak up or confront a friend. Now, we’ve already said that Duggars are the first to enjoy a laugh as a family when everyone involved knows that something is a joke and it doesn’t belittle or hurt anyone. And by now you probably understand that Daddy loves nothing more than pulling a good joke on someone. (Remind us sometime to tell you about the time, after a meal in a foreign country, Dad convinced some of us, including an unsuspecting family friend, that he’d found out the meat in the entrée we’d just eaten was barbecued dog.)
Here’s Dad around age seven or eight. Even at a young age, he stood up for what is right.
But remember: it’s important that the joke doesn’t involve teasing, where someone is ridiculed for something he or she did either accidentally or on purpose (we should never “jokingly” call anyone names or put others down).
Mom and Dad have stressed to us from an early age that making fun of someone is never right.
Mom tells us about an incident during her high school days when she overheard some football players teasing another student, daring him to eat a bug and jeering that he wasn’t tough enough to do it. He wanted the football players’ acceptance so much that he finally popped the bug into his mouth and took a few chews. But as soon as he swallowed it, they ridiculed him even more, making fun of him and telling him he was disgusting for doing something “so gross.”
Mom was a cheerleader at the time, and she charged into the crowd of bullies and chewed them out for being so mean. It makes us laugh now to think of our sweet mama bawling out those big, tough football guys who probably towered over her. But she wasn’t about to stand by while someone was badly mistreated.
In this case, the offense was done by multiple people and it was being carried out publicly, so Mom jumped on their unkind behavior right in the middle of the situation. Usually, though, we would try to take that person aside and “tell him his fault between thee and him alone,” as Jesus tells us to do in Matthew 18:15.
UNDERSTANDING THE IMPACT OF A FRIENDSHIP
MOM AND DAD HAVE taught us to understand how influential friends can be for good or bad, and they’ve stressed the importance of choosing friends wisely. They have said that, just like a ship has a small rudder that determines its direction, our friendships and our small choices determine our life direction.
Earlier in this book we described how I (Jessa) had friends whose attention, as we grew into the teenage years, seemed to be constantly focused on temporal things and outward appearances—such as which girls had the prettiest hair and cutest clothes and which ones didn’t. The more I was around them, the more I found myself forming that perspective on life as well.
It’s especially easy for teenage girls to get caught up in this kind of thing at a time when what we want most is to be accepted by others. But my parents helped me put those friends’ attitudes in perspective. I became determined to find friends who helped me focus on character, such as having a kind, servant-hearted attitude toward others, instead of friends whose focus was fixed on watching all the newest movies, listening to the latest pop music, and judging others whom they deemed “not cool.”
True friends encourage us to focus on things that are beneficial to us. We will grow closer to God because of our relationship with them. We share an interest in reading and memorizing Scripture and learning more about living a Christ-like life. We enjoy working together to serve others whether it’s on a mission trip to Central America or helping an elderly neighbor clean up and maintain a deteriorating home. We can share our struggles with godly friends, knowing they will keep what we say in confidence and give advice for wise decisions based on God’s Word.
Our Grandma Duggar’s story shows how one person, striving to live this kind of life, can have a powerful impact on others. Grandma grew up in a very poor family. Her home didn’t have indoor plumbing or air-conditioning. A wood-burning stove in their small home’s living room provided the only heat in wintertime.
When Grandma was fifteen, she became a Christian, but the rest of her family didn’t go to church. In fact, for several years, one of her brothers would mock her and make fun of her faith in God. Her dad was a very angry man who often used foul language. Her mom worked long hours in a chicken-processing plant. It was a hard life.
However, despite her very difficult situation, Grandma Duggar’s faith in God grew stronger as she continued to attend church, read her Bible regularly, and do what God’s Word said to do. She didn’t “preach” to her family. She simply and quietly modeled a Christ-like life for them.
Grandma Duggar is an important part of our family—and also a great miniature golfer, as Justin, Jason, and Josiah can attest.
Years later, her younger sister and her brother, who had been self-proclaimed atheists, ended up becoming Christians. The brother who used to mock her is now a Sunday school teacher. Grandma kept the faith despite her family’s apathy and opposition, and in doing so she became a light God used in drawing her loved ones to Himself.
We want friends like that: those who will not only “talk the talk” about what they believe but also “walk the walk,” living out their beliefs in everyday life and working to follow what God says even when the going gets tough. It’s such a blessing to have friends who have that genuine enthusiasm for the Lord. We’re happy to have that kind of influence rub off on us! And that’s also the kind of friend we should strive to be.
On the other hand, we want to be careful about the people with whom we choose to share our time and our hearts as close companions. An incident in one of our family’s rental properties a few years ago served as an illustration for the way prolonged contact with a corrosive influence can cause harm, even when it seems unlikely. The situation occurred after Dad rented a commercial warehouse to a local soda distributor. When the renter decided he no longer needed the space, he agreed with Dad that he would leave a few things behind to cover the remaining money owed. Included in the things left behind there were a few pallets of sugarcane sodas plus a large pallet of energy drinks.
We shared some of the drinks with friends, but there were too many to get through right away. When the weather changed dramatically, a couple of the cases of energy drinks exploded. But the problem wasn’t noticed for a couple of weeks, and by then the sugary, carbonated liquid had had plenty of time to soak into the floor. When the guys began the cleanup process, spraying down the floor with a pressure washer, they were shocked to find that the energy drinks had actually eroded away a layer of the concrete—in some places, a half-inch deep!
Mom made a parallel out of the situation and pointed out to us how the same thing happens when we spend lots of time with “friends” who may seem sweet and appealing but who are exerting a harmful influence on our hearts.
Dad has told us the story of a nice, likable young man who grew up in a Christian home but eventually became a drug addict. During this guy’s high school years, he formed his closest friendships with a group of young people who had little character and would throw parties almost every weekend. Their sole purpose in life was to “have a good time.” This young man had never been the wild type, but for whatever reason, he had begun to desire the
ir acceptance.
One night when he was invited to a party by one of these friends, he decided to go. Seeing that he was a bit standoffish at first and in the corner by himself, his friend walked by and handed him a beer. Now he had a decision to make (and obviously, he never should have put himself in this situation in the first place).
This guy had grown up in church, so he knew the Bible has a lot to say about the foolishness of drinking alcohol (see Proverbs 20:1 and Proverbs 23:29–35). At first he just stood there holding the beer in his hand, smiling and contemplating what he would do. He had never had a desire to drink, but he did not want to feel like an outsider, so when no one was looking he poured half the beer into a nearby potted plant. A little later his friend came by and said, “You didn’t drink any, did you?” Then, grabbing the bottle out of his hand, he noticed that it was half empty. “Hey, guys, he’s one of us!” the friend announced to everyone.
Shortly after that the young man started drinking; later he got introduced to drugs. How sad that one, seemingly small decision started him on a path of self-destruction. If only he would have looked down the road and counted the cost! Instead, he lived only for the moment, and it ruined his life.
Proverbs 24:1–2 warns, “Be not thou envious against evil men, neither desire to be with them. For their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk of mischief.”
Mom tells of another young man she knew who was a top honor student. Because of his intellectual genius, he received a full four-year scholarship to the University of Arkansas. But he formed friendships with the wrong people. Every Sunday morning he was in church, but every Friday and Saturday night he was out drinking with his friends. One weekend he was involved in an alcohol-related rollover accident, and it nearly took his life. He survived, but he ended up suffering brain damage that permanently changed the course of his future. My parents have often wondered what his life would have been like had he made other choices.