Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

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Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships Page 11

by Duggar, Jill


  By hearing these examples, we Duggars have seen the importance of choosing friends who will encourage us to do right and make wise decisions. But we’re definitely not talking about living in a bubble and refusing to have contact with those who are not Christians or don’t believe just the way we do. In fact, as Christians, our purpose in life is just the opposite. We’re to reach out to everyone in love, sharing a kind word or a helping hand, no matter what a person’s beliefs or background. But in these interactions, it’s important to stand strong and not be swayed by others’ beliefs. While it’s good to minister to others, we need to make sure at the same time that we are not carelessly walking into situations where we’re going to be tempted to make wrong choices.

  Dad uses this analogy quite often: Imagine you’re standing on a table, trying to pull someone up. You have to be very careful, because many times the other person can pull you down a lot easier than you can pull that person up! But if there were two people on the table, it would be much harder for both of them to be pulled down, and together they would have a much better chance of helping the other person up onto the table. Keeping this in mind, when we are ministering to a person in need, we Duggars often work two-on-one, just to have that extra encouragement and “the upper hand.”

  Several of us enjoyed biking in Central Park during a visit to New York City.

  A true friend is one who spiritually encourages us and motivates us to do what is right, rather than undermining our beliefs. We should all strive to be that kind of friend to others.

  One of the easiest ways to form this kind of friendship is to spend time with people who are growing spiritually and who have a ministry mind-set. Good Christian friends may or may not be part of the “in crowd,” but it’s much more important to have friends who love God deeply and want to serve Him than to have friends who are concerned about popularity, status, and recognition!

  The best place to find this type of friend is at a Bible-teaching church. Search out those who are excited about the things of God and spend time with them. It will be contagious!

  As Grandma Duggar always says, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

  When you look at the people you’ve chosen as friends, what kind of future do you see?

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  YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GUYS

  Saving yourself for the one God has for you

  Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.

  —1 Timothy 4:12

  OUR PARENTS HAVE ALWAYS said marriage is the most special gift from God next to salvation. Even after the many exciting years and struggles of raising nineteen kids and counting, they are still deeply in love and committed to each other. They made a lifelong vow to God to stick together until “death do us part.”

  When Mom and Dad were married on July 21, 1984, they were both really young. Mom was seventeen, and Dad was nineteen. Their marriage from the beginning was focused on sharing God’s love with others.

  Mom and Dad have said there are two main keys to maintaining a strong marriage.

  1. Being willing to say “I was wrong.”

  2. And asking “Will you please forgive me?”

  They also have committed to never go to bed angry but to make things right in the day an offense happens.

  Mom and Dad’s engagement picture, 1984.

  We have seen the blessings of a God-centered marriage through our parents’ example, and all of us do desire to one day marry. But simply getting married quickly just to be married isn’t a goal for us. We want to wait for the one God has created for us and get married in His timing.

  Our family gets a lot of letters and e-mails with questions about our family’s beliefs and practices related to marriage—or, more accurately, to the process we prefer to follow leading up to marriage. We call it courtship—or dating with a purpose—and that’s something we’ll discuss in this chapter.

  FULFILLING THE CRAVING TO BE LOVED

  ABOUT THE TIME WE entered our teenage years, Dad told us a story about a girl he went to school with in elementary and junior high school who was boy-crazy. He said she would have a boyfriend for a week or so, and then something would happen and she would get upset and break it off with him. Then, a few days later, she would have a new boyfriend, and then she would switch to another, then another.

  Dad said this cycle went on for years. (No, our dad was never one of her many boyfriends!) He said he wondered at that early age if eventually this girl would find Mr. Right or if her habit of throwing herself into relationship after relationship would prove to be preparation for a future unstable marriage.

  Sadly enough, when this girl finally got married, it didn’t last long, and that same pattern of discontent, insecurity, and self-centeredness that had affected her dating also affected her marriage.

  We have met some girls who have simply fallen in love with the idea of marriage and are just looking for a guy to fulfill their dreams. They have an image in mind of what marriage is, and they are in love with that image. One girl told us recently, “I was in love with the thought of being in love, and it consumed my every waking hour.” This is one of the greatest dangers of romance novels. They paint a picture of an unrealistic, unobtainable relationship. It’s the same thing pornography does to men. Viewing pornography gives them a distorted view of women that leads them down the path of immorality and guilt.

  Perhaps the biggest problem with pornography is that it never satisfies and instead creates an unrealistic expectation of what a woman’s body looks like. No woman can live up to these Photoshopped and airbrushed images because they are not real. And no man addicted to pornography will ever be content with a real woman because the woman he’s looking for does not exist.

  Men who feed their minds on pornography start looking at women as sex objects to fulfill their out-of-control desires instead of looking at women as someone to be protected, loved, and cared for. They become self-centered, and when they start a relationship, their focus is on what they can get out of it instead of what they can put into it. This mind-set eventually leads to the destruction of what could have been a fulfilling marriage.

  How horrible! No girl would want to be married to that kind of husband. And yet when a girl reads romance novels, she’s doing something very similar, drawing perfectionistic, romantic pictures into her mind of what she thinks marriage is. Soon she’s longing for this “ideal” marriage that she has created in her mind, and she does everything she can to get it.

  So many girls look to boys and marriage to give them what only God can give: satisfaction, security, happiness, fulfillment, and lasting significance. Girls must realize that no man can ever give them these things 100 percent of the time. Even the best men will mess up, and if we’re relying on them to be perfect, we will become bitter and disillusioned when they don’t measure up.

  It’s important to understand that God created us with an inborn need to be accepted and loved. If you’re a living, breathing person, you want someone to share your day, your passions, your desires, and the depths of your heart. But the truth is, marriage itself cannot make you truly happy. God put that deep need to be loved and accepted in our hearts so that He could be the One to fulfill it.

  When you look to marriage for what only God can give, you make an idol out of marriage. The dictionary definition of idolatry is “an extreme admiration, love, or reverence for something or someone.” Boys, marriage, and love can become idols.

  God wants us to have a wholehearted relationship with Him, delighting in His Word and all that He has to teach us. When we understand that He is trustworthy and faithful and that He alone knows our every need, then we know where to look for deep love and full acceptance.

  When we have this kind of close, loving relationship with our Creator, we can experience a joy and fulfillment that would be completely missed if our lives were consumed merely with finding our Prince Charming.
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  This also means that someday, when we do meet the man God intends as our husband, we’ll already be fulfilled, and any love that future husband gives us is a bonus over what we’re already receiving from our relationship with the Lord.

  As teenagers and young adults, we need to cherish these single years when we are able to put our focus on serving God and use this time to its fullest. Mom has told us older kids many times, “If God gives you a full, seventy-year life, your time as a single person is very short compared with the time you’re married. Be content with every stage of life and wherever God has you; use your time wisely and invest in things that will last for eternity.”

  Our family definitely keeps busy and experiences all kinds of different rides, but riding camels in Israel was something we never expected to get to do. It was fun!

  Her words remind us to use these single years wisely as a time that can be fun, exciting, and fruitful with opportunities to teach younger girls, serve the elderly, volunteer in the community, go on mission trips, and seek out ways to bless others through ministry. These years should be devoted, first and foremost, to strengthening and solidifying our relationship with God and understanding who He is and who He has created us to be.

  DEFINING THE PURITY RING

  THIS DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE to ignore the fact that God has created us to have a natural physical desire toward men. When these feelings arise, we thank God for making us “normal.” Within a godly marriage, this kind of desire can be a wonderful blessing that bonds the husband and wife together in the way God intended. But during our single years, this physical attraction, if not carefully controlled, can also be one of the biggest sources of temptation and struggles.

  One way our parents have helped us understand the principles designed to keep us pure is by giving all of us older girls purity rings. The rings were special gifts we received when the four of us were in our early teenage years (because our family didn’t become aware of this relatively new practice until then). Mama selected some very special rings from her jewelry box for each of us to choose from. Jana’s ring has one red sapphire surrounded by tiny diamonds. Jill’s is a beautiful pearl. Jinger’s ring has a heart design set with a small diamond. Jessa’s is a beautiful solid yellow gold band.

  To each of us, the ring has a fourfold purpose. First, it’s a symbol of our commitment to keep ourselves physically pure as we wait for the one God intends for us to marry. Second, it symbolizes our desire to involve our parents in our decision of a life partner. Third, our ring reminds us to pray for the man God would have us marry and to guard our own heart so that one day we can share it fully with him. Fourth (and most important), it’s a reminder that God is the true fulfiller of all our desires and also a reminder to cherish our relationship with Him and live purposefully between now and the time He sees fit to bring that man into our lives.

  A few years ago, about the time our younger sister Joy was turning twelve, Mom and Dad prepared a special time when they could help Joy celebrate her entry into womanhood. Mama got Joy some special gifts—makeup and other girly things—and talked with her about the changes she was going through. She told her she wasn’t a little girl anymore and that the physical and emotional changes she was starting to have are completely normal—a part of the change from girlhood to womanhood.

  Then she and Dad went shopping with Joy to select her purity ring, and afterward they went to lunch together, and Dad explained that the purity ring symbolized her decision to keep herself pure and wait for the one God has for her. Meanwhile, they discussed how she could prepare herself during this time as a growing young lady to become the kind of woman a godly guy would desire to marry.

  Dad has asked us girls, “What kind of girl do you think a godly guy will be attracted to?”

  The answer is, a godly girl. That’s what he and Mom are continually encouraging each of us girls to become. We know that a godly girl is not someone who has lived a “perfect” life but is someone who has received God’s forgiveness and is seeking to put the past behind her and choosing to live every day for Him. Some of the greatest people in the Bible were those who had made a lot of bad decisions earlier in their life, but then God got a hold of them, and they completely turned over the rest of their life to following and serving Him.

  FIGHTING TEMPTATION

  MANY TIMES, PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY teenagers and young adults, confuse love with sensual desire. It might even be called lust, an urge based not on genuine love but on feelings, emotions, and a desire for pleasure. If a girl allows herself to be consumed with sensual desires, most likely she will attract a guy with the same wrong desires. These attractions may have little to do with character or godliness; instead, they’re usually based solely on a person’s looks and his or her witty or “flirty” personality. These relationships are based on nothing more than sensual attraction. They are usually short-lived and often result in great emotional pain and heartache.

  A test of lust versus true love is that lust can never wait to get, but love can always wait to give. It is important to wait for the one God has for you and to wait for His timing to bring you together.

  Sometimes it’s easy to start dreaming, Could he be the one? when first meeting a guy without knowing his character or really anything about him. And if a girl becomes jealous or angry when the guy she likes starts a relationship with another gal, their relationship was not genuine love. Genuine love says, “I want him to marry the one God has for him, even if that means it isn’t me.”

  If a girl gets emotionally attached to a guy and can’t wait for him to pop the question but feels she has to push him along, she should remember, True love waits. If it’s God’s will, He will work things out in His time. When we say true love waits, we mean that couples should not act like they’re married when they’re not or share physical intimacies that married couples share. Also, it’s important to never consider living together until you married, as this is clearly not God’s will. If a guy is pressuring a girl to live with him or to experience things that are meant to be experienced only in marriage, that’s not true love; it’s lust. True love waits.

  Our parents have been a huge help to us in all areas of our lives, but their counsel has been especially valuable as we sort through the issues related to becoming a woman and as accountability partners when we are having struggles or going through a challenging time. It’s important that we seek counsel from our parents (or another trusted adult) because we know they love us and want only what is best for our lives.

  If one of us Duggars is struggling with any kind of temptation, we share it with our parents. Mom will wisely ask us, “Who do you think put that thought into your head?”

  We know the answer is Satan. Our parents have stressed that it’s not a sin on our part if Satan randomly throws an impure thought into our heads, but it is a sin to dwell on the temptation. Don’t send yourself on a guilt trip because you’re being tempted.

  It’s freeing to know that as long as we’re not bringing these struggles on ourselves by actively pursuing things we shouldn’t or having a curiosity for things we shouldn’t, we are not in the wrong. It’s what we do with this wrong thought from the devil that determines whether we are sinning. Dwelling on it is a sin, and it can lead us to give in to the wrong desires they create.

  Dad says you can’t do anything about the birds that fly in the sky above your head, but you can do something about a bird building a nest on top of your head. In the Bible, Paul talks of taking every thought captive. Basically this means being able to control what’s going on in our mind. By censoring our thoughts through the filter of God’s Word, we will be able to recant any wrong thoughts or temptations that try to sneak in, and throw out the lies the devil is sending our way.

  When our older brother John-David completed training to become a volunteer with our local fire department, Jill, shown here, and Jana decided to volunteer, too.

  One of the things Jana and I (Jill) learned during our firefighter training is tha
t the quicker you respond to a dangerous fire, the less likely it is to cause serious damage. The same thing happens when we quickly respond to a “fire” sparked by a sinful thought that pops into our heads. Dad gave us a great idea for a quick response when tempted: he suggested we immediately use that as reminder to pray for someone else who needs God’s help. We talked about this idea of having a “prayer target” in chapter 2. In this way, what Satan means for evil, we use as a reminder to do good. We like to think of it as a live hand grenade coming our direction, and before it explodes we quickly pick it up and throw it right back at the devil.

  Satan has been recycling the same basic temptations for the past six thousand years, but since he is the master deceiver, he tries to deceive us into thinking we’re the only ones who struggle with the wrong thoughts or desires he sends our way. In reality, the temptation to lie, steal, cheat, bully, gossip, and think wrong thoughts has been around since the first couple, Adam and Eve, gave in to temptation in the Garden of Eden. The problem of temptation and sin has continued to the present day, which means your parents probably faced many of the same problems you’re facing now, right down to the problem of feeling all alone and thinking your parents don’t understand.

  They understand a lot more than you may think they do. They understand that this time in life can be very intense—because they undoubtedly went through similar struggles when they were your age. They know about the many physical and social changes you’re experiencing, including the wrong thoughts and other temptations Satan will put into your head.

 

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