Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

by Duggar, Jill

  Dad has reminded us that as Christian young ladies, it’s vitally important that we always remember we have been adopted into the family of God, and our heavenly Father is the King of kings. It’s also crucial for Christian gals to understand that we cannot conform our patterns to a thoughtless lifestyle and still expect to somehow marry a godly prince. We need to always keep in mind that if we desire to marry a godly man, then we must strive to become the kind of godly girl a godly man will be attracted to. God desires to see us grow in character and live by His principles, and for us to have a strong relationship with Him—which is the best foundation and preparation any of us can make for a future marriage relationship.

  UNDERSTANDING WHAT CHRISTIAN GUYS LOOK FOR IN A FUTURE WIFE

  SO FAR IN THIS chapter, we’ve talked about what we girls are looking for in a future husband. As we were pulling together information for this book, we thought it would also be interesting to ask some of our guy friends what they are looking for in a future wife. So we sent out a little survey, asking fifteen of them to answer a few questions. Obviously, this was a small and totally unscientific survey, and it went to our friends, many of whom share our Christian beliefs. They range in age from sixteen to twenty-nine, and their professions range from farming and construction to politics and graphic design. One is an attorney. Another is a Marine Corps officer.

  All of them said they notice how a girl gets along with her parents and siblings.

  Some said they watch her attitude in responding to her mom and dad.

  When we asked the guys to describe, in one word, the most important character quality a Christian girl can have, we got these answers: integrity, purity, respectfulness, virtue, charity, and faith.

  One guy said the most important character quality is “that she’s genuine. Someone who’s real in her love for people and in her compassion for others. Real in her heart for God and understanding of her own shortcomings.”

  Most of them said the first thing they notice about a girl is something related to her physical appearance: most surveyed said they like girls to have longer hair, they like girls who smile, and they appreciate when a girl is modest.

  We asked the guys to name some things they’re looking for in a girl. Here are some of their answers:

  • Outgoing personality, not stuck-up, genuine love and loyalty toward her family, a girl who loves the Lord as much as I do and has a desire to share her faith.

  • A girl who has a hunger and thirst after righteousness, one who is sensitive to the Holy Spirit.

  • A girl who deeply cares about her faith (hearing and obeying the voice of God and fulfilling His purpose and calling for her life).

  • Purity, ministry focus, compassionate spirit.

  • A godly girl who honors her parents and who esteems motherhood.

  • Is she sensitive to God’s Spirit? Is she serving the Lord in her single years? Does she dress modestly?

  • Good communication skills, common sense, love for Jesus.

  • Always seeking God and not a relationship. If she gives her heart to God then God will give her heart to the right guy. Does not seek attention from guys by being flirtatious.

  • A sweet, compassionate girl who exhibits genuine kindness leaves a deep impression on me. . . . An equally important quality is faithfulness. It’s much harder to determine, but it’s probably the final determining factor for me. I need someone to faithfully serve God alongside me, faithfully hold me accountable, and someone to faithfully help me grow deeper spiritually.

  • A godly girl (reading the Bible, getting to know God deeper each day, and involved in some sort of ministry—preferably music ministry). I like it when I see a girl having a servant’s heart and respecting her parents.

  • A girl who demonstrates her love for God by honoring her parents, by treating her siblings like they are her best friends, and by being humble.

  • Does she have a growing love for God, and are we on a similar path to knowing Him? Does her love of God form her character, values, and virtues? Can we help each other grow in the Lord?

  • A godly, spiritually solid girl who has a good relationship with parents and a ministry mind-set!

  • Does she have the character qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman?

  Of course we needed chef’s hats to work in the pizza kitchen at Granby Ranch in Colorado.

  TAKING A LOOK AT COURTSHIP IN ACTION

  WE HAVE SEEN THAT when a marriage is brought together in God’s way and in His timing, His blessings follow. The way our oldest brother, Josh, and our dear sister-in-law, Anna, met and pursued marriage has been a huge encouragement to us as we wait for God’s best for us. We asked them to share their story of courtship in this book so that you might be encouraged, too.

  Josh: As I grew older and began to realize that there were two different kinds of people in this world, men and women, my parents shared with me a story of a young girl who asked her father a question about that subject. Her father replied by handing her his suitcase and asking her to carry it. The little girl tried to pick up the suitcase but quickly said, “I’m not big enough to carry it, Daddy. It’s too heavy for me!”

  Her father had illustrated his point. He told his daughter, “Some things are too heavy for you to carry right now, but when you’re older you’ll be able to handle them.” It was that father’s hope, and also my parents’ desire, that inspired them to train their children to guard their hearts and keep them pure, knowing the day would come when they would be able to carry that “suitcase.”

  Anna: When I was thirteen, I first heard about the Duggar family through an article a friend sent our family. The Duggars had thirteen children at the time, and I thought it would be fun to meet them one day. Then, after the Duggars’ first show aired on cable television, some friends sent us a copy of the 14 Children and Pregnant Again! video. As my family watched it, I noticed how Joshua, then sixteen, talked about the importance of guarding his heart and waiting for someone who would really love him and wasn’t going to just get carried away with emotions. I was so excited to see another family who was brought up so similarly to the way our parents were training us. But never would I have dreamed what God had in store!

  Josh: As I became a young man I was constantly tempted to have lots of wrong thoughts and often battled to keep my heart right. One of the greatest things that helped me in my struggles was my parents’ commitment to accountability. They were faithful to talk with each one of us children—if we were willing to share honestly and openly with them—to maintain a clear conscience. I learned quickly that great freedom can be achieved by accountability but that deep accountability requires humility and openness. I often had failures in my early teenage years but found that I had a clear conscience only when I was willing to confess my thoughts and temptations quickly to God and to my parents. (See 1 John 1:9.)

  Anna: As I was growing up, my parents, like Joshua’s, always took time from their busy schedule to listen to each of us children and allow us to share our hearts. Over time, my two oldest sisters followed God’s principles and were happily married. It was so exciting to see the fruit that came after all those years of guarding their hearts and trusting God to lead them in His timing, and with the confirmation of both sets of parents giving their blessing. I realized the importance of sharing my heart with my parents and waiting for God’s very best for my life partner: a young man who was striving to do the same.

  Josh: In early 2006, my family took our annual trip to the ATI Family Conference. I was busy working with the audiovisual team and had very little free time, but during one of the lunch breaks I ended up meeting some new friends. . . .

  Anna: My siblings and I enjoyed meeting Joshua, and as we introduced ourselves I was amazed that he was able to guess our ages correctly! Usually people would think I was five to seven years older than I really was, and it was getting quite embarrassing. We talked for a while about their family’s political campaign and about their move into their new house.
Josh mentioned that we would have to come and visit them sometime. I thought, That’s so nice, but we live all the way out in Florida. It would never happen.

  As our conversation came to an end, I remember thinking, I’ve never met anyone else like this before.

  Josh: My thoughts were very different from Anna’s! As we talked, I felt God speak to my heart that this was the girl I was going to marry someday! I enjoyed our fellowship and then resumed my schedule for the rest of the day. By that night I still couldn’t get Anna off my mind. I went to my dad and told him what I felt God had told me. He said he thought it could be a possibility, and then he asked if I felt ready to get into a relationship. I knew I had a lot to do to get ready if I felt marriage was in the near future.

  Anna: I was surprised a few weeks later when my dad told our family that we had been invited to Arkansas to spend a few days with the Duggars! The first night at the Duggars’ home during family Bible time, Joshua shared his testimony. I was encouraged to see that he was a young man who was accountable to his parents and was striving to keep his heart pure.

  My parents explained to us early on that it would be normal to have desires for a relationship, especially when we saw a young man who had the qualities we desired in a future life partner. While we were at the Duggars’ home, I noticed Joshua had many of those things I desired in a future partner. I began to commit those desires to the Lord and reaffirmed my commitment to wait on Him to clearly lead me and my parents in this area if it was His will. After all, I was good friends with the Duggar girls, and I didn’t want them to think that I was their friend just to get to their brother!

  Josh: I enjoyed the Kellers’ visit and was able to talk some with Anna and also observe her interacting with my family, trying not to make it anything too noticeable to others. The day the Keller family left our home, I immediately talked with Dad again and told him I was sure Anna was the one for me. He agreed that God was moving us in that direction and counseled me to keep praying for our relationship. As we spoke further about the possibilities of courtship, he encouraged me, as an eighteen-year-old man, to begin diligently preparing spiritually and financially for the day when God would bring us together.

  Anna: In 2007, our family made the trip from Florida to Texas again to attend the annual ATI Family Conference. During the time our families spent together, I felt God was showing me that Joshua was the one I would marry someday. In some ways I felt hopeful, but then again I thought there was no way it would ever happen. He wasn’t showing any girls (including me) any special attention; he just seemed busy, contentedly serving God . . . waiting for the right one.

  Josh: After returning home from the conference, my brother and I began working toward opening a small pre-owned car dealership to buy and sell cars. Between work and family, I was extremely busy.

  Anna: A few weeks later, Dad and I were out running an errand together, and while we were driving home he asked if there were any young men God had been speaking to me about. Dad had never asked me a question like that before, but I knew what he was getting at. So I told him I felt God speaking to my heart about Joshua. Much to my amazement, Dad said he believed Joshua was the one for me! He also mentioned that I should pray for him and his family every day. Then, about a week later, we had special company!

  Josh: I called the Keller family and told them my dad, John, and I were going to be coming to Jacksonville, Florida, near their area the next day to buy a flatbed truck for my business, and I asked if they might possibly know of a place we could stay. Not only did we have a place to stay (at their home), but we also enjoyed some good fellowship with them while we were there. When we left, I could hardly wait to see them (especially Anna) again!

  Anna: Just before they left, Joshua was talking to my mom and told her he was excited about starting his business and was looking for a house, trying to get ready for a family of his own. When I heard that, my heart jumped! My first thought was that he must have another girl on his mind. It seemed very hard after that to patiently wait on the Lord. I constantly reminded myself that I needed to trust God with my future and let Him dictate every moment of it.

  Josh: After returning to Arkansas, I started working full-time with my business and preparing my heart and my finances for whatever the Lord had next for me. Then, in December 2007, Anna’s brother called and asked if I could help him with an Anger Resolution Seminar in a Florida state prison. I told him I would have to pray about it—and immediately felt God say, “YES!” The next month I found myself driving the nearly one thousand miles to North Florida.

  Anna: I really felt I had given Joshua to the Lord and was content either way about the whole thing—until Joshua called and said he was on his way! Time and time again during Joshua’s visit I had to give it to the Lord. I still didn’t know if Joshua had any interest, but I knew God was more concerned with bringing the right man into my life than I could ever be, and that if it was His will, He would bring it to pass. I didn’t know it would be a lot sooner than I expected!

  Josh: After the first week of seminars with Anna’s brother in the Florida maximum-security prison, we returned to the Kellers’ home. I couldn’t wait any longer; I knew the ball was in my court! After dinner and sharing the evening with the family, I asked to talk with Mr. Keller alone. Everyone else went off to bed, and I fumbled to put my thoughts into words and finally got them out: “I feel like God is leading me into a relationship with your daughter Anna. Could I have your permission to court her?”

  Mr. Keller gave me some encouraging words and ended our discussion by saying that he would “need a month to pray about it.” I went to bed, and I guess sleep eventually came sometime that night because I remember waking up. Mr. Keller pulled me aside after breakfast and told me he had prayed about it. And though he wouldn’t quite say yes, he gave me a thumbs-up and said, “All the lights are green!”

  Mr. Keller set me up with some projects to complete before a set deadline, such as memorizing several passages of scripture, and He also had me write out the top five character qualities I needed to work on in my life and record in a journal the progress I was making in these specific areas.

  Anna: Over the next few days we had a great time of fellowship while Joshua was visiting. When he left, it seemed like it would be an eternity before we would see each other again. I was so excited when I found out my family would be taking a “vacation” to Arkansas at the end of June, just a few days after my twentieth birthday; I could hardly wait.

  I often spent evenings crowded around the phone with my siblings, getting to know the Duggar family better and encouraging each other in the ways of the Lord. At the end of our phone call, we would always exchange prayer requests, and without fail one of the siblings (usually a Duggar) would have an “unspoken” request, and then everyone would burst out laughing. Needless to say, Joshua and I are grateful for the prayers of our siblings. My mom and I were also able to spend a lot of time together talking about marriage and being a wife, mother, and keeper of the home. It was a great time to learn and prepare for the future.

  Josh: I wanted to make our engagement very special, and I knew the Keller family would be coming to Arkansas a few days after Anna’s twentieth birthday. About a week before her birthday, I called Mr. Keller and asked him for his permission to surprise Anna by flying down on her birthday and proposing to her. Mr. Keller gave his full blessing! We planned that I would fly in, and Mr. and Mrs. Keller would take Anna out for lunch without her knowing what was really going on.

  Anna: When my parents said they wanted to take me out for my birthday I had no idea what was really planned. I was so focused on leaving for Arkansas in two days, I didn’t notice how nervous my parents were as we left for the restaurant. Then, a few minutes after we were seated and looking at the menu, I heard a young man say, “Happy birthday, Anna!” I looked up and was shocked to see Joshua standing there with a dozen Happy Birthday and I Love You balloons. I was so excited and so nervous, all at the same time. A few minu
tes later, Joshua slipped out of the booth . . . onto one knee . . . asked me to marry him . . . and I said YES!

  Josh and Anna on their wedding day. A beautiful couple!

  We thank God for bringing us together in marriage on September 26, 2008.

  We want to encourage all you young ladies out there to wait and save yourself for the person God has for you to marry. When marriage comes, you will be able to say wholeheartedly with us, “It was worth the wait!”

  MAKING SEVEN KEY COMMITMENTS

  HERE ARE SEVEN KEY commitments you can make that will enable you to give your love life to God.

  1. I will not date or court anyone who does not love Jesus as much as I do.

  2. I will patiently wait on God’s timing to bring the man He has for me.

  3. I will choose to save my body as a gift for my future spouse.

  4. I will choose to not fill my mind with sensual material (R-rated movies or vulgar TV shows, bad Internet sites, teen magazines, and romance novels).

  5. I will choose wise friends and wholesome activities.

  6. I will share my heart and inward struggles regularly with my parents (or a loving Christian counselor).

  7. I will give my love life to God and focus my time and energy on serving the Lord.

  God has great things in mind for you. It’s up to us to wait on Him and trust His wisdom.

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  YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH CULTURE

  Making choices that will keep you pure