Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

by Duggar, Jill

  Seeing such tragedies firsthand reminds us how important it is to always be available to help and to serve. It also emphasizes the value of life and of making wise use of each day because we don’t know what tomorrow holds.

  While our emergency and first responder work led Jill and me (Jana) into medical-related fields, it’s not quite Jinger’s and Jessa’s thing. But after Josie was born prematurely, all four of us completed neonatal resuscitation training so we could help in that kind of scary situation, should it occur. (Seeing three-year-old Josie run around the house now like an energetic fireball, it’s hard to remember the time our family prayed for every breath she took as a twenty-two-ounce preemie!)

  On December 15, 2009, the day after half of our family had returned from El Salvador, everyone drove to Little Rock to see their new baby sister, Josie Brooklyn Duggar.

  Jill: Becoming a Midwife

  My (Jill’s) interest in midwifery may have been sparked when Mom welcomed us older girls to be with her and Dad during a couple of births. I considered many other types of work, too, but I prayed that God would show me His will and that He would make it so clear I wouldn’t miss it. He has done that, and I’m so grateful!

  Several years ago I did some babysitting for a doula, the professional name for a childbirth educator—someone who provides emotional support and guidance for parents as they go through the birthing process. I was interested in the work she did and loved hearing her talk about it, but I wasn’t thinking of going into that field myself. I was still seeking the Lord’s will for whatever skills He was leading me to.

  And then, last year, a midwife/preceptor moved to our area; as a licensed midwife, she is qualified to deliver babies, usually in the local birthing center or in private homes, and as a preceptor, she’s qualified to help train others in midwifery through apprenticeships. A friend of a friend introduced us, and after we had talked she offered me a chance to apprentice with her.

  I prayed about the decision and talked to my parents. Then we prayed together (no big decisions are made without prayer in the Duggar family!), and they encouraged me to walk through these doors that God was opening for me.

  Meanwhile, the midwife/preceptor I work with is fluent in Spanish and has many Spanish-speaking clients, so that’s a big help in my efforts to become fluent in that language. Many people who hear about my apprenticeship assume that women in our area who choose home deliveries are Christian, homeschooling moms like my mom. But that’s not the case. Most of our clients are not believers. And many of the birthing mothers I’ve helped have been single moms.

  I’ve attended births in bright, clean, happy homes—and also in dingy, backwoods shacks where an abundance of curse words and alcohol seemed to be an ordinary part of the evening. No matter where it happens, the birth of a baby is an amazing thing, and I feel blessed to play a tiny part in bringing God’s blessings into the world. I usually ask the mom if I can pray for her and her baby—especially when problems occur. The mom almost always says yes, and it is such a precious opportunity to be the first to pray a blessing over a newborn baby. Sometimes, when the mom is open to it, I also give the baby a gift—a little Bible.

  Of all the births I’ve been a part of, our experience in China was probably the most memorable, and I wasn’t even allowed to be in the delivery room for it, even though the parents wanted me to be there. Instead my role was limited to pacing and praying in the hallway.

  It happened last year when our family traveled to China on ten-day journalism visas so we could record some episodes for the TV series. Our production coordinator, Courtney Enlow, wife of our videographer, Scott Enlow, was a little more than seven months pregnant at the time, but she’d gotten the go-ahead from her doctor to make the trip. We brought along an obstetrics nurse, just in case, and everything went well until, midway through our China visit, Courtney slipped and fell on some steps leading down to the subway from Tiananmen Square.

  There didn’t seem to be an immediate problem, but Courtney was a bit rattled and went back to the hotel to rest for a while. When she got up later that day to eat something, her water broke—which meant her baby was on its way! It also meant we were about to see a whole different side of the communist country we were visiting—one we would have preferred to miss.

  To tell the entire story, with all its complexities and frustrations, we would need a separate book. In this limited space, I’ll just tell you that, once again, God answered prayer and pushed aside a lot of otherwise impossible obstructions and regulations so that little Leah Enlow was successfully ushered into this world by a Chinese obstetrical team.

  The actual birth itself was about the only “normal” part of the days surrounding her arrival, at least by American standards. When Courtney was hospitalized (China requires that all babies are born in hospitals), we were shocked to see less-than-ideal conditions there (including lots of black mold in the bathroom). At one point Scott stepped outside the hospital for a moment and saw a crowd of people peering into an open hospital window. He walked over to see what everyone was staring at and was surprised to find that they were watching a doctor operate on a patient’s neck.

  We were also stunned to learn that, in China, patients must supply their own linens and medical supplies. So Jana and I were constantly running back and forth to the store in the hospital basement buying bedsheets and towels, a bedpan and IV bags, diapers, and baby items!

  Courtney was there overnight before Leah was born, and she went for long stretches of time when no one in the hospital even looked in on her. I was glad I could be there most of the time early on in her labor to check her progress, encourage her, and help her get into some positions that would ease her discomfort. When the doctor announced that the baby was on its way, Scott and I helped push Courtney’s bed to the other side of the (huge) hospital. Then we were told to wait in the hallway.

  It’s hard to imagine now that the little girl playing dress-up with Josiah would one day be helping with deliveries (Jana is on the far right).

  Scott protested that he was the dad and he had to be there, and Courtney was saying the same thing. The idea seemed entirely foreign to the Chinese team, but they reluctantly agreed to let him come in after he had scrubbed up. They said they would come and get him when they had prepped Courtney to push. But they forgot about him! And once again, he had to insist that they let him in. They said okay, but there was no way they were letting me into the delivery room, too. Courtney said that when they rolled her into the delivery room, the last baby that was born (a little girl) was still lying on a table, still covered in blood and mucus. The newborn lay there crying the whole time, unattended, while Courtney was delivering Leah.

  Courtney had expected to have an epidural to ease the pain of delivery, but during the hospital admitting process she was told that the hospital didn’t keep epidurals in stock and that mothers had to order them at the beginning of their pregnancies! So she was heading into delivery without the pain medication she’d hoped for—while all the Duggars and production team members prayed that her labor would be short, that the delivery would be problem-free, and that the hospital staff would show mercy to this worried mom-to-be. And that’s what happened. The beautiful Leah Adee Enlow arrived safely, and her parents were allowed a quick peek at her.

  Then the hospital staff instantly hustled Leah away to the nursery, where parents were not allowed. They told the Enlows they could see Leah in three days. Three days! There wasn’t even a window in the nursery so parents and visitors could see the babies. Apparently the staff claimed that the no-visitors, no-viewing rule was to protect the babies from outside germs. And maybe that would have been halfway believable except that one day when Scott was there, begging to see his daughter, a small motorcycle drove down the hospital corridor, apparently making deliveries of mail or supplies!

  At one point staffers told Scott he could see the baby if he paid three hundred dollars. He paid. And they said, “Sorry. It’ll be awhile longer. The baby still n
eeds some more tests.”

  The excuses of mysterious and unnamed “tests” stretched on and on, and all of us were on edge, knowing this kind of separation wasn’t good for the baby or her parents. The other issue was that our ten-day visas were about to expire, and all of us, even the Enlows, would have no choice but to leave the country—or be threatened with arrest.

  Still the hospital staff hesitated. They told Scott and Courtney they could go to Hong Kong and reapply for visas and then come back for their baby. It all seemed too bizarre to understand. We spent our last few days in China in lots of prayer and mainly just trying to console and encourage Scott and Courtney.

  Finally, the American ambassador to China got involved, and on the day before our visas expired, the tests were “magically” completed, and little Leah was allowed to leave the hospital—and the country. I don’t think any of us had ever been so relieved to head home as we were that day when we all finally boarded the plane, sending up prayer after prayer of thankfulness that God had seen us through this trying time.

  When we boarded the plane to come home from China, our group of family and film crew had one more member than when we arrived. Leah Enlow, daughter of our production coordinator, Courtney Enlow, and her husband, videographer Scott Enlow, was born (prematurely) while we were there.

  The experience was scary, exhausting, and also very confirming, showing us again how much we need to rely on God as He leads us through situations that might seem intolerable or even impossible at first. It also confirmed for me that midwifery is work I can use to serve Him wherever I am. Now I’m looking forward to completing my national certification so I can continue to serve God in this way for as long as He chooses to keep this pathway open for me.

  Jana: Journey to the Heart

  Jill and I (Jana) love sharing in the birthing process, and we’ve both found a way to be involved. While I’ve had quite a bit of midwife training, I feel called to focus on childbirth coaching and prenatal preparation instead of “running the show,” as Jill does so competently when she serves as midwife. I love helping the mom- or parents-to-be get ready for the birth by coaching them through breathing and stretching exercises; it’s a joy to see them approach the birth with a sense of happy anticipation rather than nervous anxiety. Helping expectant parents know what to expect can give them a greater sense of peace and well-being when the contractions begin, and it’s very rewarding to see that happen. The other thing I really enjoy is working with Jill as a team during a birth. It’s a blessing to see her working with her calm, confident skill to help bring another baby into the world.

  But during the last year or so God has also opened a door for me to serve in a ministry called Journey to the Heart. I’ve stepped back from my work as a first responder and as a birthing coach because my work with Journey usually requires quite a bit of my time.

  Journey is a program for young people—teenagers and young adults, plus a new program designed for moms—offered by the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP). It can be presented in different settings and for different lengths of time; in fact, most recently, Jessa, Jinger, and I worked as leaders and assistants in a seven-day Journey to the Heart seminar in a high-security prison in Florida (Jinger will tell you more about that later). Most of the Journeys are ten-day retreats where attendees gather at the IBLP headquarters in Chicago for a couple of days of preparation before traveling to the beautiful Northwoods Conference Center in Michigan. This is where the “real work” is done as the larger groups of ten-person teams break into individual times where it’s just you and God.

  Over the years we Duggar kids have chosen not to attend youth camps and the like because we prefer to attend conferences together as a family. But we have also seen the importance of this Journey to the Heart for each one of us older children, setting aside a week where it’s just us and God. No distractions with cell phones, computers, or the daily routines back home. At Journey, you get down into the deep issues of the heart, and ask God to search you and try you, and determine what areas of your life are hindering you from having a close relationship with Him.

  We Duggar girls had our first experience with Journey to the Heart in 2009, and we were blessed to have our sister-in-law Anna’s sister Priscilla as our leader. Journey leads participants to study eighteen “heart conditions” described in the Bible, both good conditions (like a pure heart, humble heart, or forgiving heart, for example) and bad conditions (for example, a “murmuring heart” focused on negativity and complaining). This journey helps participants focus on getting their heart “right” with the Lord and understanding His heart’s desire for them. In addition, powerful video messages and testimonies help attendees understand who God is, and they learn how to trust Him more fully. As a Journey leader, I get to see God working in the hearts of these individuals, and there’s just no experience like it.

  The girls I’ve worked with in Journey to the Heart come from very diverse backgrounds. Some come from homeschool families. Some have been to church a few times but don’t have a clear perspective of who Jesus is. Some participants come from a very rough background; they may have been involved in drugs or crime of some sort, and their parents have sent them to Journey as a last resort, hoping their daughter can be “fixed.” At one Journey retreat this year, I was amazed to learn that several participants had come from Korea, Israel, and Singapore.

  Sometimes I don’t know the girls’ backgrounds, but as we get to know each other over the ten days we spend together, they start opening up and sharing more about themselves. We try to have one-on-one conversations whenever the girls are ready for that step. In almost every retreat there are girls who don’t want to be there, but again and again I’ve seen how God can soften their hearts and open their minds so that by the end of the retreat they seem like different people. It’s not at all unusual to have these girls reluctantly tell us on the last day, “I don’t want to leave!”

  A lot of these girls have never had somebody sit down and ask them the hard questions—like, What are you going through right now? What’s the deepest hurt in your life?—and then listen to their answers, help them sort out their feelings, and consider what next steps would be most likely to bring healing to the hurts they’ve experienced.

  I’ve been amazed to hear girl after girl express heartache about her relationship with her father. When I think back on the girls I’ve worked with, I estimate that more than half have been emotionally hurt by their dad.

  Again and again girls talk about their dad’s anger in the home and how badly their dad’s angry words have hurt their young and tender hearts. One girl said her dad was like a volcano when he erupted in anger. And she added, “Even if a volcano only erupts once a year, no one wants to live close to it.”

  We pray for special blessings on those girls, asking that God would give them peace, that He would shield their hearts from the angry words, and help them respond in a calm manner. As God tells us, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). And we also join those girls in prayer for their dads, asking God to replace their negative characteristics with positive ones. That in place of anger, God would give those dads peace; in place of frustration, patience.

  At the end of most Journeys, we have a wonderful time of blessing. We usually suggest that each girl call her dad or mom and ask if one or both of them will call back at a certain time the next day and pray a blessing over their daughter. Some of these girls don’t come from Christian homes, and in that case, if they are uncomfortable with this, we ask church leaders to pray a special blessing.

  One young teenager who did come from a Christian family had struggled through lots of secrets and heartache during the retreat, and God had worked a miraculous change in her heart. She had called home and told her parents what she had been struggling with for the past several years, and they were able to work through a lot of her problems. As we neared the end of the retreat, she realized there were many things she needed to g
ive up, and as she gave God control of these areas, she was happy about the changes He was making in her life. But then she came to me with the saddest look on her face.

  When I asked gently, “How are you doing?” she started bawling.

  She had excitedly called home and said, “Dad, they’re going to have a prayer time for dads and moms to pray a blessing for their daughters. It’s tomorrow morning at ten o’clock. Could you call then and pray over me?”

  My heart broke for her when she said, “My dad said he doesn’t want to.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I just gave her a hug. “He didn’t say, ‘I don’t want to pray for you,’ ” she said between sobs. “He was, like, ‘I don’t know about that. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable doing that. I’d rather not.’ ”

  The father’s words deeply hurt this girl, who was probably thirteen or fourteen. Some of the other participants and leaders gathered around her and prayed with her. Something discussed a lot during Journey is how God can use difficult situations to grow us and make us stronger. After her tears were dried, one of the leaders said, “You know, we’re going to face lots of trials in life, and we can respond the wrong way by holding the hurt inside and getting bitter—but that will only hurt us more in the long run. Or we can choose to forgive and then pray that God will bless the person who hurt us with the character quality that person is lacking. In your dad’s case, that would be sensitivity. When we’re in the middle of tough situations like this, we have two choices: we can either become bitter, or better.”

  We also told her that many other fathers and pastors would be happy to pray over her. I suggested that she read her Bible and think about some of the things we’d talked about during the retreat and that she look for Scripture verses she could pray for her dad.