Growing Up Duggar: It's All About Relationships

by Duggar, Jill

  Our film crew has taught us a lot about photography, and they’re patient when we want to take a peek through the lens.

  So I offered to take on that job, and now I enjoy going along with Jill when her clients ask for childbirth videos and baby photos. When I get home, I edit the pictures and burn them onto a CD for the new parents to enjoy. Recording these happy events feels like another way we can help advocate what God says about children—that they are a blessing from Him.

  Our parents have encouraged us to recognize, appreciate, and cultivate the gifts God has given us. It’s been exciting to see what those unique gifts turn out to be. They are really a special feature designed by God as part of our unique makeup that prepares us for the special assignments He lays before us.

  For instance, I really have a love for organizing things—and with a family the size of ours, God has given me lots of opportunities to put that skill to use. There’s just something very satisfying about turning a big mess of clothes, shoes, papers and files, boxes, toys, and just about anything else into an orderly system. (I’m always a bit surprised when other people don’t feel as excited as I do about being confronted with messy stacks, piles, and closets!)

  Mom laughs when she tells about noticing that, as a child, I was always sorting our toys or rearranging things in the girls’ room so that “like things” were together and constantly trying to coax my siblings into being neater. When she thought about it, she realized that when she was pregnant with me, she and Daddy were in the process of moving our family from one house to another, and she read Emily Barnes’s books on organizing and, as she puts it, “became gung-ho about organizing everything.” Following Emily Barnes’s suggestions, Mama put things in boxes, recorded each box’s contents on an index card, numbered each box and card correspondingly, and developed a great system that she still uses today, all these years later.

  Mama jokes that some of that clutter-busting creativity must’ve soaked into me as she was sorting and organizing because today, it’s my thing. For years now, Jinger and I have worked together to pack for the younger kids whenever we’re traveling; we’ve developed our own system, which has evolved over the years as the family has grown—and as individual family members have grown.

  Joseph, Josiah, Jedidiah, and Jeremiah still appreciate it when we help them put together outfits and pack their clothes for them. We like to joke that we are their personal stylists! When they were little guys, we used to be able to fold all their shirts for one day and fit them in a single plastic grocery bag, with all their pants in another—it made it very easy each morning to grab just two bags and have everyone’s clothes for the day.

  All of our trips take a lot of organizing! This trip out west took us to the spectacular Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs, Colorado.

  Now that they’re older and no longer “little kids,” their larger-size clothes won’t fit in those bags, but the idea remains the same. We fold and stack a day’s worth of clothes for each of the kids and put them all into one large suitcase and label it just as we did when we used the plastic bag system, “Sunday, Monday, Tuesday . . .” Mornings on the road or in a hotel are simplified when we pack this way because all we need to do is grab one big suitcase, and all the kids have their preselected outfits for the day. On the packing side of things, it may take a little more effort at home before the trip to get everything preplanned and lined out like this, but in the long run, we save time and effort during the trip by not having to pull out fourteen different suitcases every morning.

  In addition to being our younger brothers’ “personal stylists,” Jinger and I do hair, too. From the time we were young, Mom assumed the role of basic hair beautician, a skill she learned from her older sister, who did it professionally. With nineteen kids, this has saved our family thousands of dollars over the years, and since it’s something she has passed on to us kids, it has the potential to keep saving us thousands more.

  Recently, I’ve enjoyed watching how-to videos and experimenting on the guys with different haircuts. They are good to sit there for half an hour, if they have to, while I try to perfect a new cut. I guess if I make a mistake it wouldn’t be too bad because a lot of them would prefer to have it all buzzed off anyway, but Jinger and I agree they should keep at least enough hair to style! And so far, they still listen to their “stylists.”

  Something else I enjoyed trying my hand at was helping to organize my younger siblings’ daily schedule—from chores to schoolwork. Most of us have assisted Mom at one time or another with some one-on-one tutoring or grading papers, but some of us older Duggars find teaching to be our “thing,” and we enjoy it more than the others do. I enjoy it because I love reading and studying and encouraging others to branch out and learn new things as well. Helping with homeschool also taught me patience and creativity with the many different learning styles of my younger brothers and sisters.

  Supervising the little ones’ homeschool work also opened another opportunity for me. About four years ago, when I was helping Jackson and Johannah with their phonics and beginner math lessons, there would usually be a one-hour period each day when they were finishing assignments in their workbooks, and I would try to be nearby to answer questions (and also to make sure they didn’t run off!). Our family loves music, and we all play classical piano and violin.

  But occasionally one (or more) of us will branch out and try something new. That’s how Jana, Jill, and Jinger developed their harp-playing skills. It’s also how we expanded what we play so that now we enjoy traditional music as well as classical. That shift led our younger sister Joy-Anna to learn to play the violin “fiddle style.” John took up the mandolin, and that prompted me to pick up the guitar. During those school times when Jackson and Johannah were working on math problems, I would grab the guitar and look up YouTube videos on a laptop computer to learn the basic chords. And whenever guitar-playing guests visited our family, I would ask them to show me different chords and techniques. That’s one of the best ways to learn.

  Music is another way our family ministers together. We are grateful for our music teachers (Ruth Anita Anderson and Mandy Query), who have spent many hours over the years teaching us to read notes and also to play by ear. But sometimes we still feel a little apprehensive when we’re asked to play somewhere, whether it’s for a church gathering, a program at the mall, a nursing home opportunity, a campaign appearance, or some other venue. But then we realize it’s not about promoting ourselves, because there are tons of other people who play better than us! Our goal in playing music together is to show family unity and ultimately point people back to the source of that: God.

  There’s one other kind of training I’m working on now, and it’s something I’ve enjoyed but wouldn’t have thought of without my parents’ suggesting it. Knowing how I like to keep things neat and tidy, they suggested I consider taking a bookkeeping course, so I added another life skill to my “toolbox,” as Dad calls it. My brother Josiah also enrolled in the course because he loves math and numbers, and it’s been good training for us both. Since then, we’ve been able to get some hands-on practice by helping keep the books for our family’s commercial real estate business.

  INTERACTING WITH THE WORLD—DUGGAR STYLE

  IN THIS CHAPTER WE’VE shared how we cultivate new skills and use the talents and abilities God has given us to bless others. You can be sure He’s blessed you with many gifts, too. We pray that you’ll discover them, cherish them, and use them in ways that glorify Him wherever you go.

  Here’s Jana playing the harp that was given to her by a friend, Nana Paula.

  Before we move on, we’d like to share just a few other ideas our parents have instilled in us that help us show respect as we relate to the people around us—to strangers, new acquaintances, and old friends.

  Respect and Courtesy

  Our parents would be the first to say they did not come up with all these child-rearing principles on their own. Most of these ideas for how we Duggars rela
te to others come from practices Mom picked up while watching families she respected. Whenever she would meet a family with older or grown kids who turned out well—especially families whose kids didn’t go through a stage of rebellion—she would ask a lot of questions. She was never afraid to ask, and she’s always sincere in wanting to know because she understands that a child’s future depends largely on the foundations laid and principles taught to them when they were young.

  Cultivating good manners is something that takes time and effort, probably more so on our parents’ part than even our own. The goals we are listing here are just that, goals. And we don’t have them down pat, but we’re working toward them, especially with our younger siblings. We are so grateful for the many families and individuals who have shared practical tips with our family, and have encouraged us and blessed our lives over the years. That’s what we hope to pass on to you by sharing these ideas.

  For a moment, let’s jump back almost thirty years and discuss the early days and the “how” and “why” behind Mom and Dad’s decision to homeschool us kids. They had only been married for a few years when they first met a homeschooling family. Our parents were immediately struck by the good behavior the children demonstrated and by how well-rounded they were, easily interacting with adults as well as their peers.

  It was then that they first began to contemplate the idea of one day homeschooling their own sons and daughters. Then they read the passage in Deuteronomy 6 that says it is the responsibility of parents to lead their children to love God with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength: “And these words, which I command thee shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” That passage solidified their decision to be the ones instructing their children, teaching them character and the ways of the Lord.

  One of their main goals in homeschooling was to teach us respect: respect for God, respect for authorities, and respect for others’ possessions. Mom and Dad have made good manners a priority in our family because this is one of the greatest ways to show respect for others.

  Whether we’re at one of our favorite spots in Branson, Missouri, or greeting a visitor at our home, we all practice being “enthusiastic.”

  Mom thoughtfully uses positive reinforcement to teach good manners. One thing she has practiced with all of us children at one time or another has been the “Yes, ma’am/Yes, sir” chart, which she posts on the kitchen wall. Mom taught us that we should respond with “Yes, ma’am” when she asks us to do something so that she knows we understand her and so there is no guessing as to whether we heard what she said. This is also a way to remind the younger children not to use “Uh-huh” or “Yeah.” Each time they address an adult properly, they get a check mark. Once they get to a certain number of check marks, they earn a special reward.

  Mom also addressed the issue of “I want . . .” or “I never got . . .” and began giving check marks for asking, “May I please . . . ?”

  Gratefulness is one of the most important character qualities a parent can instill in the lives of their children, and it is vital to do it while they are young. Mom taught us the power behind the two simple words thank you. I (Jessa) remember us going to a family’s house for supper one evening when I was eight years old, and before we piled out of the van, Mom reminded us kids, “I want every one of you individually to tell Mr. and Mrs. Bell, ‘Thank you for having us in your home this evening,’ or ‘Thank you for supper. It was delicious!’ ” She went on to say, “When we get back in the car to leave, I hope each one of you will have expressed gratefulness to their family.”

  Those who said “Thank you” were able to put a check mark on their manners chart when we got home.

  Several years ago we added “my pleasure” to the manners chart after we read the book How Did You Do It, Truett? by S. Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-A. In it, Mr. Cathy tells how he studied the methods of five-star hotels and found that workers are required to say “My pleasure” instead of “You’re welcome” when being thanked for something. In essence, one is saying, “Thank you for giving me the pleasure of serving you,” and not, “Yes, it was such a sacrifice on my part. You’re welcome.”

  He found a direct link between business success and employees learning to treat costumers with the utmost courtesy and respect, and that was one of the principles he adopted for all Chick-fil-A workers.

  An Enthusiastic Greeting

  Years ago at the Advanced Training Institute family conference we attend every year, our parents heard a testimony about the benefits of learning how to give an enthusiastic, friendly greeting to others. When we returned home from the conference, Mom lined us up from oldest to youngest and she explained the importance of each one of us developing these new communication skills.

  This greeting rehearsal occurred when Joy-Anna (now sixteen) was the youngest in the family. She was barely able to understand what was going on, but Mom had all of us practice our “enthusiastic greetings.”

  “Okay, I’ll go down the line, and everybody is going to give it a try,” Mom told us. “I’ll pretend I’m someone you’re meeting for the first time. You need to have a big smile on your face, and when that person comes up to you, stick your hand out, give a firm handshake, say, ‘Hello,’ and then say your name and ‘It’s very nice to meet you.’ ” Josh, the oldest, went first. Then Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, and finally Joy-Anna. When it was Joy-Anna’s turn, she confidently stepped up and in rapid-fire robotic words said, “HellomynameisJoyAnnait’sverynicetomeetyou.” The words ran together and had us all chuckling. Mom gave the little girl credit for trying and encouraged her to slow down next time. Way down. And enunciate carefully and give a firm handshake.

  Back to the top again with Josh. Again, the process went smoothly, and child after child came to the front of the line and followed the instructions perfectly. Then Joy-Anna stepped up. As though stuck in slow motion, she began, “Helllloooo. My . . . name . . . is . . .” Before she could finish, the room burst out in laughter, Joy included. When you’re a toddler, it’s hard to get things just right.

  Greeting people doesn’t come naturally to most little kids, especially when they’re greeting someone they don’t know. Especially adults they don’t know. Their natural tendency is to turn away, and many parents understandably explain, “He’s shy.”

  Mom has not allowed us to get away with that—although we all tried it at some point. In every case, Mom and Dad made it crystal clear that turning away is unacceptable when we’re greeting someone, even if we’re uncomfortable facing the person. Most of us only tried not responding once.

  Our parents understand that there are different personality types—that some of us like to talk more and others less. They’re not trying to conform us all to the same mold. But they encourage each of us individually to look beyond ourselves and think about others. Instead of thinking about our own comfort, we’re encouraged to look for ways to make the other person feel more comfortable and relaxed.

  Dad always reminds us, “Even if you stereotype yourself as an ‘introvert’ or if you just don’t feel like saying anything, others may take that as rejection or assume you’re a snob with a I’m too good to talk to you kind of attitude. And that can make people feel uncomfortable around you.” Scripture says even a child is known by his actions. When a child is taught to greet others, to communicate, and to be mature, these skills automatically give them an open door to be more effective to build friendships and to encourage others spiritually.

  Our parents have challenged us Duggars, whenever we’re in a safe, social situation where our parents or older siblings are nearby, to look for the loneliest person in a room and go over and start up a conversation. This takes getting out of our comfort zone, but it is truly treating other people the way you would like to be treated. It’s another thing that’s a
bit challenging to learn, and we’re not saying it happens every time we’re in a gathering where one person is sitting or standing alone, but it’s something we try to remember to do.

  We were also taught, when meeting people, to ask them questions about themselves. When we began doing that, we realized it’s much easier to carry on conversations by purposely not asking a lot of questions that can be answered with a single word: “Yes,” “No,” “Fine.” We practiced asking questions such as, “Have you lived here long?” “What town/area do you live in?” or, if it’s a younger kid, “Where do you go to school?” or “Are you involved in any sports or do you play any musical instruments?” or “Do you attend a local church?”

  Over the years we’ve built up a mental list of acceptable questions to ask to avoid that awkward silence that can result when people are getting acquainted. Of course, all of us have moments when we’re tongue-tied and can’t think of a thing to say, but when that happens, we know we can shoot up a little flare-prayer and God is always able to give us the words to say.

  Since we were homeschooled and didn’t have age-segregated classrooms, we’ve had good training grounds for learning to interact with all age groups. For the most part, we’ve all been pretty comfortable at a fairly early age carrying on conversations with adults. We love visiting with senior citizens and asking them questions about their family and their past work and life experiences. Dad has also instructed us on how, as young people, we should rise to our feet when shaking hands with an adult and always be looking for opportunities to open doors or give up our chair for our elders.

  Mom also taught us telephone-answering skills when we were younger, and we practiced saying, “Hello, this is the Duggar residence, Jana speaking. How may I help you?” But now, because of the unique calls we get from all over the world, the house rule is that younger kids don’t answer the phone.