Loved In Pieces (The Intentions Series)

by Carla J Hanna

  “Thanks,” I sighed. “That makes me feel better.” She was corny but comforting. I’d look through the books, have an open mind.

  She moved my hair off of my face and looked at me softly in the eyes. “Stay true to whom you are and your friendship with Manuel will endure. Remember that we all have both good and bad, light and dark, in us. We make mistakes. Pretend to be someone you’re not and you both will have broken hearts.”

  She was right. I listened and understood. I felt more peaceful.

  “You should go to bed now. Let me tuck you in.” She said as she helped me off the couch. “We’ll have a lovely breakfast tomorrow at the Huntley. I’ll have Attila prepare some comfort food for you this week. Sleep in.”

  I was thinking about what she said as I fell asleep. Being committed is much more significant than being married. Marriage does not mean love and vice-versa. Almost every adult I know is gay, divorced, or remarried. Liz and Carlos were happily married and so were Beth’s and Mitch’s parents, but that was it. Sam’s mom was committed to her current partner, but Sam existed so that wasn’t her only relationship. My first experience with Hollywood was confusing and it made my relationships with men confusing. My experience with Matthew freaked me out.

  I woke up to the sound of a text coming in. I checked the phone. It was just past 9 am. The text was from Manuel, “Pls read email.”

  He was gonna dump me. My shoulders slouched, defeated. I gulped as I read the email.

  This is embarrassing. I should be more macho. I’m not. I was an idiot last night. I didn’t know who you were and I didn’t know who I was. You dancing with Franz in that sexy dress that flaunted your boobs. Me wearing metro-sexual clothes. You eating that fancy food. All the gorgeous girls and model and actor guys. The party. Not knowing what to say. Standing there like an idiot. The cameras. I wanted to shove the cameras down their throats. Then the limo. That complete prick who I worried had you and then no shame at all. I wanted to kick him in the nuts and mess up his face.

  Now you. You glowed at the restaurant and knew everything on the menu, like the bitches I bus tables for. You talked with your friends about the fabulous islands and resorts you’ve been to, the troubles with maintaining your lake house, the complications of your mom buying her own jet. I didn’t even know you owned a house on some lake in Montana. Crap like that I can’t even get my head around. All these people—guys and girls—kissing your lips, hugging, small talk, slutty dresses and sissy posers.

  I was this miserable, dumb puppy at your side and you were this supernatural goddess having a really good time.

  Then you were so calm, smiling with those assholes in our faces, the lights blinding. I can’t think, and you’re posing, taking charge. Then the limo. The guy kisses you after we start dating, and you’re laughing with him, talking to him, listening to him prattle. You say you’re mine and he grins and wants to share.

  After all that, the porno in your room. You tell me you didn’t want to perform, that I’d get frustrated trying stuff. I asked my Mom for suggestions because I got frustrated. Nothing works for you. I was pissed with myself for listening to her suggestions when I came over to get dressed. I knew you didn’t want anything naughty but didn’t know what to do. But I want to give you all of me and make you happy.

  You think I didn’t want to have sex before Kate because I was Christian. It was out of principle. I didn’t want to mess up, be vulnerable, get distracted. Kate was safe to date because she didn’t want to—I didn’t have to worry about it. But with you, it’s totally different, consuming. You’re beyond sexy. I want to have you all the time. You tell me you want to be friends, to take our time. I’m sorry I pressured you.

  In the back of my mind I know you’ve been reamed and betrayed, but I don’t know what that’s like. Why won’t you tell me about it? I see grossness in front of me and you’ve seen that in person before. It freaked me out.

  I told my parents how I messed up everything. My mom is sorry, too.

  I watched your films last night/this morning, your TV episodes, interviews. Mom had bought everything you’ve been in and your mom has been in. I only had seen Muse and Romeo & Juliet before. But this time, I was even more amazed. That movie about Virginia Woolf was haunting. Wow. I even saw the movie where you scream and run from vampires. I looked you up online. I didn’t know you’ve been in about twenty films. I read your fan pages. Pictures of you and me from last night are already everywhere.

  I know I promised you I’d never see Left to Die. Sorry, I just broke my promise. I started it about an hour ago. I was so turned on watching you on that swing. I went limp, like last night. That rape scene freaked me out. I thought I’d puke. I turned it off and didn’t watch the rest of the film. I just sat here feeling so bad for you. What you’ve had to endure alone—trying to understand you.

  You’re incredible—beyond me—stronger than me. Maybe Franz was right that I criticize you because I’m insecure. I don’t know. I don’t want to criticize you. I think you’re amazing, perfect. I just want the best for you, to be healthy, modest, and happy.

  You’ve talked about “compartmentalizing.” I see that. I think you have 3 pieces: school girl I know, actress I don’t know, and Salish Indian I fell in love with on Navajo lands. I think the Salish girl has the energy to hold it all together. She stuns me. I don’t deserve her but I want to hold her so close and never let go.

  I’m pissed you kissed Byron but it follows classic patterns of manipulation. He was demonstrating that you can trust him. YOU CAN’T TRUST THAT GUY!!

  Will you take me back after I was such a prick? No sex, best friends who just kiss and hold hands. Please don’t break-up with me. I love you. — Manuel

  I already had his number selected. He answered the phone immediately.

  “Yes, that makes me so happy! Kiss and hold hands.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I needed him and still got to have him on my terms. “I thought you were going to dump me for being a prude and kissing Byron.”

  “No…. Thanks for not dumping me for being a total asshole. I’m so relieved. Sorry to be so dense,” he sighed. “I’m pissed you kissed Byron. I’ll drop by before I go to work, give you a big hug and the opportunity to grovel about kissing a creep.”

  I had a surge of happy energy and practically danced my way to the bathroom. I wanted to get the Muse contract from my safe deposit box before going to breakfast with Mom. Celia made me curious and I didn’t want to wait until Monday to fax the contract to her. She was so busy but always took Sunday off. She goes to a Christian church every Sunday morning while Dad rides his beloved horse in the Woodside hills. Then they meet for lunch at a coffee shop in downtown Palo Alto. They both liked routines.

  I took two pain killers to ease my headache and put on makeup because I knew there would be photographers waiting to get pictures of me leaving my house with my boyfriend. They’d be so disappointed that the boyfriend didn’t stay the night. They would follow me to the bank and then give up on scoring a picture of the young lovers.

  Mom was reprimanding someone on the phone when I entered the living room. She was defending my slip-up last night. I realized she was arguing with several people on a conference call. Richard certainly was on the call as was my publicist and, of course, Sage. But there were more.

  Mom smiled at me when I walked into the room, kept talking and listening, and pointed to the kitchen.

  “Hi, Attila!” I smiled as I got a drink of water from the fridge.

  “Hi. Michelle is sorry she can’t go to breakfast. I’ve made this for you.” He removed a frittata out of the oven and plated it. I sat at the kitchen counter and drank the smoothie ready for me on the placemat.

  “Thanks. I’m so hungry,” I said. I started eating it immediately, slightly burning my tongue.

  “I need to go out now and buy some ingredients for some comfort food.” He smiled devilishly. “I’m so glad I finally get to feed you real food. What would you say to lasagna on Monday
and truffle mac-n-cheese on Thursday?”

  “Devine!” I smiled. Like cake, pasta was strictly off limits. “Can you make a portion for my boyfriend, too, so we can eat in together?”

  “Evan?” He asked.

  “No, I’m dating Manuel, finally.”

  “Oh, Marie, that’s wonderful. I like him. He’s your best friend. I liked Evan, too.” He wondered if he was being unprofessional and then laughed, “You don’t need to hide in your room Saturday mornings. I can make you guys breakfast.”

  “We’re not hiding, Attila. It’s just the only day I don’t exercise, the only day we can sleep in together.”

  He gave me a knowing look and laughed at me. We were avoiding him on Saturday mornings. “See ya.” He said as he walked out the door. I could hear the sound of cameras clicking, stop, and then some chatting. Attila was a professional so they knew he wouldn’t talk, but they were saying hi, asking him about his wife and boys. He asked them about their lives and kids.

  I put my dishes in the dishwasher, grabbed my purse and left. I thought of Manuel. He said he’d stop by before work. By now, the press would have matched his face to his name and determined where he lived. He’d have to get from his apartment to his Vespa today through the photographers. If he stopped by, he’d have to get from the Vespa to the front gate. When he left, they’d follow him to his work. That would be too hard for him.

  I texted Manuel, “I’ll drop u off at work. I want to talk to Liz. Explain.”

  I opened the garage door and started my car. I already had a text back, “K. Do not apologize to her!”

  “When should I come?”

  “Need to b @ work @ 4. Come anytime. I miss u.”

  “K. Errand in Brentwood. Fax to send. C u after. U want Starbucks?”

  “Sure.”

  Already, the sound from the cameras stopped. I drove out of my garage and ran my errands. I valet parked for Starbucks off of Montana Ave. Finally, I was ready to see my boyfriend and texted Manuel that I was on my way.

  ~ | ~ DISS KISS

  Liz waited for me and signaled to me to park in one of her tenant’s carports. I could see that her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She ran to me as I got out of the car and hugged me.

  Liz whispered, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have bought that stuff for you. I thought you needed help. Manny and Carlos argued with me but I got carried away. Please don’t blame him.”

  The cameras were clicking rapidly. She understood it was show time. I smiled at her to relieve her guilt and gave her the carrier with the four coffees. We headed up to her apartment smiling at each other. She surprised me. She acted like a PR pro.

  I saw Manuel and ran over to him. He caught me and we spun together from the momentum. All was forgiven. We relaxed into each other, smiling, comforted. Instantly the heaviness of the room was lifted. Carlos gave Liz a warm hug. Janet smiled at me.

  “Do you mind if we do some homework together?” Manuel asked, stiffly. “I have to finish an essay before I go to work. I have a ton of studying to do tomorrow, too.”

  “Yeah, that’s great. I have to borrow your books. I didn’t think about bringing my backpack.”

  We retreated to Manuel’s bedroom to study. We were both sitting with our backs against his bed on the floor of his room and I leaned over to kiss his cheek. He was a statue but smiled at me.

  “You’re hurting my feelings, Manuel.” I admitted.

  He held my hand and kissed it. “I don’t want to be an ass. I don’t want to mess us up again.”

  “But I want to kiss you. I love kissing you. I finally get to. Please don’t shut down again.”

  “I’m more pissed than I thought I’d be that you didn’t diss Byron.”

  “I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t know why I’m so weak around him. I can promise that I’ll try my hardest to resist him in the future. I certainly hope I never kiss him again as me but you know I will again as Muse. It’s part of the job and messes up me being me.”

  He shrugged his shoulders, “I know. I’ve had four years getting used to you kissing other guys. But now it sucks. And I’m having a hard time being around you right now. I don’t know how to act.”

  “Kiss and hold hands. Right?”

  “Right, but you make me dizzy being next to you. I can’t concentrate. I’ve already read this page twice.” He looked at me soulfully and put his hand on my cheek. He sighed and shook his head. “I never want to lose you. You’re my true love, my everything.”

  “And you are mine.” I hugged him and moved onto his lap. “Please don’t shut down. We can’t go backwards now, but we can slow things down. I don’t want nasty sex. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want you. I love you.”

  Manuel continued to hold me and kissed my forehead. “But, I need time now. Making love is so awesome with you. I made it required…pushed you.”

  “Please keep kissing and hugging me. We’ll work through this together. We’ll talk about it, okay?” I slowly moved him onto his back on the floor of his room and crawled on top of him. I put one of his hands under my shirt and felt his sides and chest with mine. Then I slowly kissed his lips and we started making out with our clothes on. It was wonderful and enough.

  I stopped kissing him. “Can this be enough?”

  He opened his eyes and sighed. “There’s something about you, your kisses. Only you release these incredibly intense feelings.”

  He sat up. “I need to explain this.” He exhaled and shrugged his shoulders, “So sex with Kate felt great, sure, but… it’s like my tattoo. She wanted her name on my body. Fine, whatever makes her happy. It hurt to get the tattoo but it’s on the surface. It only bled for a few minutes but it’s permanent. I don’t want another one and forget it’s there except when I see you look at it. It bleeds when I go back in to try to change it, hide her name, so you don’t have to be reminded. It’s skin deep, like my love for her. I didn’t want to have sex the first time, felt guilty about it, and then didn’t care if we did it again.”

  He held my hand and shook his head. “With you, my love is so deep. Waiting for you was so painful, wanting you and loving you for years. Now that you’re finally mine, your kisses cut me. When we have sex, you tattoo my heart each time. It’s permanent. I want every letter of your name inked inside of me, covering me. I don’t feel the guilt. There’s no way that it’s wrong. I love to make love and want my body to be your canvas.”

  We got up off of the floor. “I love you always and forever, Marie. Just remember to talk things through if I diss you. It’s easier for me to go back to repressing my feelings.”

  I nodded and left his room so he could change into his uniform.

  Kisses weren’t enough for him, and I couldn’t lose him—ever. Mom told me to be true to myself but the threat of losing Manuel was too scary. I didn’t care about sex but hoped that someday I’d desire him. Until then, if he wanted my body with a porno running in the background, it was his.

  Liz and Carlos were snuggling on the couch watching TV. I smiled at them, wondering how they could be so in love after being together for nineteen years. I figured I’d ask them.

  “How are you guys still in love after all those years?”

  Liz laughed and looked at Carlos. She was being careful not to offend me in any way.

  Carlos spoke, “Drugs and casual sex are only fun for a little while. The fast life is empty. Love and family make me happy and complete. I love the companionship I have with Liz. We share our thoughts and dreams. We connect. I’m still in love because I’m still grateful that she loves me. I love my kids.” He smiled at me. “I’m like you, Marie. I want love, not rough sex.”

  I blushed. I explained my feelings, “I just… I think it should be private, you know, between Manuel and me. I’m embarrassed.”

  Liz responded, “I know, but Manny’s not your typical teenager. He doesn’t want to make mistakes with you. He loves you so much.”

  I shrugged my shoulders. He w
as honest with everyone, confided in his parents. I was honest and told Mom everything, too, with the exception of Byron because I thought she’d punish him, but she found out about that anyway. Manuel came out of his room and saw my awkwardness.

  He gave his mom a stern look and put his arm around me. “Mom, don’t scare my girlfriend.”

  I laughed. We all did. I explained, “She’s not. She’s just sorry.”

  “Manuel, where should I drop you off?” I asked as we headed out of the apartment. “We’ll be followed from here, and I think it will be easier if they didn’t know where you work.”

  “If the back door is open, I’ll run inside the kitchen. If not, park, walk in with me and hang out for a while. They’ll think we’re going for an intimate dinner before the restaurant is open. It happens all the time. A couple weeks ago I waited on that guy who starred with you in Left to Die. He looked worse than I thought. I felt bad that he’s dying, even though now I want to smash in his face.”

  Rex was dying of cancer. He still looked really young—exactly like he did when shooting the movie with me—but more frail. Another actor I knew died of a heart attack a few weeks earlier. Like Mom, she also looked really great for her age and seemed super healthy, so I was floored that she was even sick.

  The back door was open. Manuel smiled at me and bolted inside the restaurant before a car turned into the alley behind me. I drove back to my house relieved that Manuel was still in my life. I needed to be more careful with him. I didn’t want to lose him. I needed to protect him from the tabloids. He shouldn’t be subjected to people’s judgments and condemnations. I needed to give Sage a head’s up to manage my private life more privately.