Loved In Pieces (The Intentions Series)

by Carla J Hanna

  “You and your alliterations,” I laughed.

  I moved in closer to him. “You don’t agree with me but I’m glad you understand how I feel about all this because we’re a team, you know. Together we are a guardian angel. You protect and I forgive. We both love. Together we figure out what is right and wrong for ourselves. We can help each other thrive rather than just endure.”

  ~ | ~ ¿QUÉ? ¿POR QUÉ?

  It was Tuesday. I loved my lunch that day. I spaced bringing my lunch from home so I bought pizza, chocolate milk, and an apple. It was heaven. After lunch, I headed to my chemistry final.

  Kate was sitting at the table we shared when I got to the classroom. We had just said “hi” to each other since I had returned because I was dating her ex. I always felt embarrassed, like I had stolen him from her.

  “Hi Marie, can I talk with you after the exam?”

  “Sure, Kate, I’ll probably take a lot longer than you to finish. Where do you want to meet?”

  “I’ll wait in the cafeteria. Do you want me to get you a Diet Coke?”

  “Okay,” I agreed as the teacher passed out the final.

  It took me the whole hour to finish the exam. I found Kate in the cafeteria and hesitantly sat next to her, not knowing how to be around her since she hurt my feelings so deeply when she abandoned our friendship.

  I said, “Thanks for the Coke,” awkwardly and drank several gulps to give me something to do.

  Kate started, “School’s done. We’re graduating. You were my best friend and I’ve missed you. I’ve missed Manny.”

  “I’ve missed you, too, so much. I’m sorry I’m dating Manny. It just kind of happened. He was really torn up about your break-up and I was sad you dumped me so we emailed a lot. Stuff happened with my co-star, too. We were there for each other…”

  Kate interrupted, “I don’t want to talk about you both. It hurts.”

  She stared at the wall. “In case I don’t see you again, I have to tell you how I screwed up my life. I know you’ll tell Manny, and he deserves to know, but please promise you won’t tell anyone else. Alan has already humiliated me, and he doesn’t even know the half of it. Can you promise?”

  “Yeah, sure, absolutely, Kate, I promise. You were my best friend, too.” I responded with overwhelming guilt for dating my ex-best girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.

  Kate looked down at her hands on the table. They were tightly fisted around each other. Her knuckles were white. Her expression was of embarrassment, her cheeks flushed. I could tell this was hard for her and was going to be serious.

  “What is it, Kate?” I asked.

  “I loved Manny. But I knew he loved you more. It made me crazy. It made me do a really stupid thing.”

  She looked at me and her eyes were wet. Tears fell down her cheeks. I put my hand on her shoulder to show her comfort and then removed it to not step over a line.

  I scrambled to find the words to make her feel better and tell her I didn’t intend to hurt her. “I’m sorry. We only acknowledged our feelings after you guys broke up. He was really torn up. He wanted to marry you.”

  “I know,” she said. “I really fucked things up. Then I was in so deep that I knew I didn’t deserve him.” She looked out of the cafeteria window, remembering the pain of the break-up and what she did.

  “When you came out for the Homecoming football game I watched you two in the stands while I was cheering. I saw how you both looked at each other, how happy you were together, and I knew that he loved you and that you loved him. His feelings were clearly more than platonic. Shit, I saw him close his eyes and smell your hair when you hugged him. I couldn’t ignore it. I wanted to hate you.” She looked at me in the eye and I shuddered. “I should have seen it when you were dating Evan. He said something once but I didn’t understand what he meant until I saw it for myself. He said that it was time for him to bow out because he witnessed true love. Ya know, you hurt him. Evan loved you and was so nice to you, so respectful—more than Manny was to me, ever—and you just blew him off.”

  “No, Kate. I…”

  “Bullshit, Marie. Everyone is fucking in love with you and you pretend you don’t know it! You say, “Oh, poor me, it’s so hard to be a product.” Puke. You want power and control, just like me. You want to own Manny, too—keep him yours forever and get that feeling of calm you get only from him. Stop trying to fool yourself and see you for the bitch you are.”

  “I’m so outta here!” I complained and stood up but didn’t walk away.

  Kate looked out the window and continued, “I complained to Manny at the Homecoming dance but he denied that he loved you more than as a friend. He said that it was a platonic love. That he was like your brother. I told him that he needed to show me that he loved me, to prove it to me. He got that tattoo. But it wasn’t enough.”

  I sat back down in the chair beside her. She knew I would. The bitch grinned at me.

  “I told him he’d have to make love to me. When he hesitated, asked me if I was sure that’s what I wanted, I thought he didn’t want me because he wanted to wait for you. Ya know that Manny is Señor Self-righteous and didn’t want to have sex before marriage. Ya know that he thought I was a virgin and put me on some pedestal for it. But he’s a guy, so it was so easy to change his mind. Afterwards I thought that I had won his heart.”

  “You did have his heart, Kate. He loved you. You told me he acted like the king of the universe.” I confirmed, trying to look her in the eye but she still looked out the window.

  “I lied. He thought he had sinned.” She shook her head and explained, “Watch out, his priest will know every detail of your love life. Anyway, about a week later, we were in the grocery store and he saw your photo on a makeup display. His reaction was clear. He was in love with you. So I bought some magazines and tabloids that advertised the ‘Muse’ premiere and had pictures of you with Byron and with Evan and put them in front of him. I confronted him. I told him it was me or you. He chose me. After we had sex I told him he could never talk to you again. He said he loved me, but couldn’t make the promise not to talk to you again, that you were family.” She stopped.

  Kate looked at me with scornful eyes, “Marie, I was furious.”

  I interrupted, “I didn’t know I loved him until after you dumped him. He’s honest, and neither of us would ever have cheated on you.”

  “Marie, I know that. But I was so jealous. After we had sex the third time I did a horrible thing to try to keep him all for myself.”

  “Did you make it all up?” I hesitated to ask, but had to ask, knowing the answer already.

  “Yes,” Kate whimpered. “I lied about being pregnant. I never was pregnant. I just wanted him to only want me. I wanted him to commit to me like he did when I mislead him about being a virgin. But then when he did, when he wanted to get married and have the baby with me, I had to get out of the lie. Since there was no baby, I either had to say that I miscarried or get a fake abortion. But then it got complicated because he thought I cheated on him. I thought I could tell him we had sex when he was drunk but he said he remembered all three times we did it, that he remembered everything and was absolutely sure we didn’t have sex when I said we did. Then I said the condom must have broken, and he didn’t think so, wanted to know the exact date of my last period, everything. There was no way I could have kept up the charade forever, beginning a marriage with a lie and then another lie that I miscarried. Then I figured he’d dump me after I pretended a miscarriage since he didn’t believe the conception lie in the first place. Then in fucking typical Manny drama, he talks to his parents and then to my dad without telling me! He fucking asks permission to marry me. Who the hell does that? After I say ‘yes’ to Manny, we go tell my dad who’s already got a prenuptial agreement ready for Manny to sign and it only gives us a ten million dollar trust. How the hell was I supposed to live on only $10 million while Manny’s in school for a hundred years?! I’m not going to live in an apartment that’s the size of my bedroom at home
! I realized that no matter what, I could never have a relationship with Manny because he didn’t get my needs in life. He was too good, too clueless. I was a liar. I messed it all up.”

  I sat there, horrified. What a bitch! No wonder it was such a rollercoaster ride. The drama was all fiction. She enticed Manuel with the lie that she was a virgin to get him interested in her. She ended the relationship with a terrible lie to hurt him. I didn’t have anything to say, so I said nothing. I wanted to get up and leave but she had more to say.

  Kate continued to look down, painfully remembering what happened next. “But then we went to Jefferson’s Muse in the theater with Alan and some girl over Thanksgiving break. During your first love scene, that kiss you had with Matthew even had me uncomfortable. It was so sensual. Manny excused himself to go to the bathroom but I knew he was in pure agony watching you. After the movie, he blew up at Alan because Alan couldn’t stop talking about how good your tits looked. I was so pissed. How dare Manny want you while he said he was going to marry me! I was so mean when I broke up with him, told him I got an abortion to hurt him, knowing he truly thought it was murder.”

  Her actions actually made me come to realize how much I loved Manuel. We had become so close through email and texting, with me helping Manuel cope, that I only realized that I was in love with him in the month following the break-up. It wasn’t until prom that I knew we could add the physical part to our love. If Kate had never lied, they would probably still be together. Manuel would have continued to repress his feelings for me. And I would have remained both of their best friends. She would have been his lover and I would have been his sister.

  Kate noticed my silence and looked me in the eye. “You hate me?”

  “I’m shocked,” I admitted.

  I decided she should know my truth as well, “But I’m grateful that you messed up. I would have never been Manny’s girlfriend if you hadn’t messed up. I wouldn’t have known that I loved him completely if I hadn’t gone to prom with him and he wouldn’t have asked me to prom if we didn’t get so close helping each other out of our dramas. I know it’s selfish, but I thank you.”

  She sobbed. She had done this to herself by her deceit. I did not feel like comforting her. Her intention was to make Manuel love her, marry her, and keep him for herself forever. No, she did not deserve either of our friendships, definitely not our love. Forgiving her was something for Manuel to do, not for me. She hurt him.

  I got up from the table. Silently, I turned and walked away.

  ~ | ~ MY ONLY

  Tears streamed down my cheeks by the time I parked in my garage. All the pain and confusion Manuel went through was for nothing. All the guilt I felt for loving Manuel and betraying her was for nothing. Telling him what Kate did would just bring back all the pain again. Manuel deserved to know the truth, but I would wait and tell him after his last exam. I decided to email CSY6.

  Hi CSY6!

  Your last email really helped; thanks.

  Repeating high school is intriguing but YIKES! Doing this over again with all the immaturity of the students would make me crazy. I have made so many mistakes that I’d hate to repeat them again. No rehab next time, for sure! Too much pain and confusion. A friend of mine just told me that she fabricated being pregnant on purpose so that she could trap her boyfriend into loving her. That’s so messed up! It would be so easy if we were all just honest and talked about our insecurities. But we’re stupid in high school. Maybe high school is different in Switzerland so you don’t have to deal with the insanity.

  Your dad was really nice to help me. He spent a lot of time with my dad and my dad thinks the most of him. He likes that Jack really cares. My mom sees Jack this Sunday. I’m worried that she’s going to die. My boyfriend saw one of her friends who took x-nib and is now dying of cancer. He said that the guy looks terrible. I hope your dad can help my mom, too.

  How are you doing? —CSY7

  I hit send and put on my swimsuit. I went downstairs and got in the hot tub. I missed Dad. I missed Michelle. I missed Manuel. That was it. That was the extent of my family, all I had. I lost Kate. I had lost Dad before. I was mad at Michelle, lost all trust in her. Besides, Michelle worked all the time and wasn’t around much so would her death hurt as badly as when Dad left? I couldn’t bear the pain if I lost Manuel. Just the thought of it made my eyes water.

  I loved Celia, Grandma May, Franz, Evan, Richard and Ira, but they were like the next tier of loved ones. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of nature. The hot tub relaxed me until I realized that I was desperate to marry Manuel. He was my only. Kate wanted to trap him. I felt the same way. I was sick, scared, and all I could think about was being with him. I hated that he had to leave when Dad came. I hated that he was studying in his home. I needed him with me forever and in my bed at night and in the morning—emotionally, not sexually.

  “Hi, Angel,” Manuel interrupted the quiet.

  “Oh, Manuel, I missed you!” I rejoiced as I got out of the water to kiss him, careful to not get him wet. My eyes watered again as the feeling of loneliness and desperation stayed in the back of my mind. “Thanks for coming by. I didn’t expect to see you until tomorrow.”

  He looked at me inquisitively. “Are you okay, Lia?”

  A tear fell down my cheek and gave me away. “It’s…just…” I shook my head. “I need you. And I have to tell you the truth that I want to trap you and keep you mine forever. I don’t think I have the strength to live without you.”

  “I need you, too. You know it’s a two-way street, you and me. I’m utterly co-dependent on you to tap the strength from those spirits of yours.”

  He put a towel around me and hugged me. I relaxed. His hugs recharged me. He alone had the power to breathe life into me with his mere presence. For him, having sex tattooed his heart. Simply his embrace tattooed mine. He was, without a doubt, my true love and soul mate.

  “Well, I’ve aced all my exams so far. I’m so glad you were home.” He added, “Do you want to get something to eat with me before I head home?”

  “Let’s eat here,” I said as I walked inside. “I splurged in the cafeteria at lunch so I have to have a disciplined dinner. I’ll eat my prepared lunch and you can have tonight’s dinner. Does that work for you?”

  He grinned as he looked at my body. “Wow! You change. I’ll get dinner ready.”

  I ate my prepared lunch for my dinner and Manuel joked about the “appetizer” that was his dinner and schemed ways that he’d have me gain weight, the ‘freshman fifteen,’ when I was finally done with the Muse project. We were both very happy to have the time together. We studied for our Chinese exam. When we covered all the material, he left to go study for his other exam. I thought it would be selfish to beg him to stay.

  I logged on to Gmail. CSY6 emailed me back.

  Hi CSY7,

  The whole point is that you don’t make the same mistakes twice. Yes, the kids are immature. But who cares? It’s like you’re the older sibling. I lived and learned. Now I don’t mess up the same way. I think through consequences before I take action. I make active choices about everything I do.

  I don’t date anybody. I don’t want to date a girl who smokes. Europeans smoke. I don’t want to date a girl who wears a lot of makeup or sleazy clothes. She also has to be athletic. So, no one meets my criteria anyway.

  I went to high school in Atherton, California, where my dad lives. My mom and dad are still married, but she lives with me and my sisters here in Geneva. My dad and mom grew up here. His dad owned the pharmaceutical company before he died. My dad’s brother took it over but he died, too. My dad’s sister runs it and dad developed x-nib for the company. Dad is also a research professor at Stanford.

  In California, I messed up a lot dating the first time around. I thought I was going to die so I didn’t study, drank a lot, and was a jock. I was prom king. I got lousy grades so I couldn’t get into a good college. I also broke up with a girl I completely loved and wanted to marry. I don
’t want that emotional pain in my life.

  My repeated junior year has been a very good year. I have perfect scores and have learned a ton. There’s no drama. No drama is nice.

  I still mess up. But at least I don’t hurt anyone now.

  How am I? Honestly: lonely. I don’t relate to people my age. I work hard to find distractions so I don’t dwell on not knowing if I have a future. I want to LIVE.

  It’s nice to know I can tell you how I feel. Thanks. —CSY6

  I emailed him back right away.

  Hi CSY6. I decided from now on I will make telling the truth to loved ones my #1 objective. Being honest with fears and insecurities is the easiest path to peace. I’m going to trust people again, starting with you. Please don’t betray me.

  I didn’t think about how you wouldn’t be making the same mistakes you made before when repeating high school. Interesting perspective.

  I haven’t really thought of what I want to do after I stop acting a few years from now. Now that I know I was created, manipulated, exploited… made into an actress – my insides are hollow. A co-star tried to rape me but this is far worse. I’m terrified of trusting someone again. I’m terrified of being alone. I want to elope, keep my boyfriend as close to me as possible, so I don’t have to face x-nib’s consequences by myself. But I don’t want to trap him, either, although I completely relate to the desperation my ex-friend felt when she made up being pregnant. I hate that I’m trapped in Hollywood’s web – I am the web.