Book Read Free

Kathy Griffin's Celebrity Run-Ins

Page 24

by Kathy Griffin


  Ladies, good news: I can be bought lock, stock, and barrel. Again, not if but when Rihanna pleads to be in the next installment, I think a G6 to the Bahamas for some gal time and R&R should do the trick. By R&R, I mean “Rihanna Rewards.”

  You’ll notice this wasn’t an apology. I don’t do that. Suck it up, people. That’s why you love me, remember?

  Love and best wishes,

  Kathy Griffin

  ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THIS BOOK THE PUBLISHER THOUGHT WERE INAPPROPRIATE

  Kathy Griffin’s Celebrity Fuckfest

  Official Book Club Erection

  Kathy Griffin’s Pulitzer Prize–Winning Book

  What Are You Lookin’ At?

  I Know You Are, But What Am I?

  The Bible

  Killing Bill O’Reilly

  The Girl Pulling the Train

  A Queef History of Time

  The Fart of the Deal

  Poop: Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Made Easy

  All these suggestions were far too cerebral for the editors at Flatiron Books, their parent company, Macmillan, and all that they represent.

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost, I would like to thank the good lord Jesus Christ almighty. From what I hear, she is all powerful, and I felt her presence throughout this journey. You too, Allah, Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, Buddha, Vishnu, Xenu, David, and probably Deepak Chopra.

  Okay, now that I’ve secured a spot for myself in heaven I can move on to the real acknowledgments.

  It’s time to thank the people I lovingly call the counsel. I make no major decisions regarding my career and life without consulting one, some, or all of them. They are (in no particular order): my beloved longtime attorney Bill Sobel, my tireless stand-up agent and friend Steve Levine, my William Morris team: Nancy Josephson, Justin Ongert, Richard Weitz, Ari Emmanuel, Ivo Fischer, and Mel Berger, my business manager and gurrl/confidant Barbara Karrol, my juggernaut publicist Cindi Berger, who gets me every time she yells the following statement at me: “YOU ARE A STALLION AND I AM GOING TO MAKE SURE THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY LETS YOU RUN LIKE THE CHAMPION YOU ARE,” and, of course, Suze Orman, who to this day lets me know if I am approved or denied for any major financial decision.

  My friend and collaborator Robert Abele helped me tremendously with this book.

  For Randy, the Jay-Z to my Beyoncé. And if you’ve seen him in person, the resemblance is uncanny. Thank you for asking me out five years ago at “Burgers and Beer Night” at the LA Times: The Taste food festival.

  To my beloved assistant, John Oliveira, who by the way gave his notice two days before I wrote this, so he is going under the bus right now. Yes, John has been a Team Griffin member for five years but nooooooooooo, apparently working for me isn’t gay or fabulous enough so like every gay man that I have loved he is choosing to abandon me even though I am the recipient of HRC’s Ally for Equality, GLAAD’s Vanguard award, The Trevor Project’s Life Award, a commemorative sword from the GAYVN Gay Porn Awards, and a White Party ICON Award. By the way, those last two aren’t easy to get; ask Kim Zolciak.

  I would like to thank my two Emmys and my Grammy: Emmy, Emily, and Sammi. Yes, they have names.

  My therapy dogs, Larry and Pom Pom. They are therapy dogs because they are too old to do anything but lie at my feet and love me.

  A special thanks to my editor, Amy Einhorn, and the rest of my Flatiron Books publishing team. While Amy gave me nothing but helpful and specific guidance, I cannot resist this opportunity to revive an e-mail I got from Amy’s team before I started writing the book that makes me laugh to this day. In the initial stages when we were trying to agree upon who would make the cut as the lucky, lucky celebrities that would be featured in this book, I received suggestions from helpers deep in the bowels of the literary world for which celebrities I should include. They included: Spencer Tracy (I was six when he died), Judy Garland (died when I was eight), Pretty Little Liars girls, the Pope, Dwayne Reed, Eva Mendex, and Lindsay Logan. This gives me life.

  I must thank every celebrity that I’ve had a run-in with, whether they are in this book or the next one.

  If you’re reading this because you purchased this book, I want to thank you most of all.

  And finally, to the woman who taught me the art of the run-in from a very early age. In fact, I ran out of her womb and will run to get her a box of wine whenever she wants it—my mom and best friend, Maggie Griffin. Although she did remind me this week that, for reasons only known to her, she would prefer to be known as Deidre.

  Index

  The index that appeared in the print version of this title does not match the pages in your eBook. Please use the search function on your eReading device to search for terms of interest. For your reference, the terms that appear in the print index are listed below.

  Abdul, Paula

  Abrams, Gerald W.

  Abrams, J. J.

  Abzug, Bella

  Accused, The

  Adams, Cindy

  Adele

  Agassi, Andre

  Aguilera, Christina

  Aid for AIDS

  Aiken, Clay

  Ailes, Roger

  Alec Baldwin Preemptive Strike (see also A-List Celebrity Preemptive Strike, p. 12)

  Allen, Woody

  Alley, Kirstie

  Ally McBeal

  Alzheimer’s Condo

  American Idol

  American Latino Media Arts Awards

  amfAR

  Anchorman

  Anderson, Pamela

  Andrew, Prince

  Apprentice, The

  Arquette, Rosanna

  Azalea, Iggy

  Bacall, Lauren

  BAFTA Awards

  Baldwin, Alec

  Banderas, Antonio

  Barr, Roseanne

  Barrymore, Drew

  Bass, Lance

  Bates, Kathy

  Beast Mode (Marshawn Lynch)

  Beatty, Warren

  Beckford, Tyson

  Bedingfield, Natasha

  Beethoven

  Beethoven (dog)

  Bening, Annette

  Bennett, Jonathan

  Bick, Randy (boyfriend)

  Biden, Joe

  Bieber, Justin

  Biel, Jessica

  Billboard Awards

  Black, Michael Ian

  Blue Jasmine

  Bolton, Michael

  Bono, Sonny

  Bosh, Chris

  Botti, Chris

  Brando, Marlon

  Brando, Miko

  Brantley, Ben

  Breaking Bad

  Bridget Jones’s Diary

  Brolin, James

  Brown, Julie

  Brown, Scott

  Bruckheimer, Jerry

  Bynes, Amanda

  Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall

  Cantone, Mario

  Carmack, Chris

  Carnegie Hall

  Carolla, Adam

  Carrot Top

  Carson, Johnny

  Carter, Graydon

  Carter, Jimmy

  Cathouse

  Cavett, Dick

  Celebrity Apprentice, The

  Celebrity Poker Showdown

  Champion, Sam

  Chappelle, Dave

  Charles, Prince of Wales

  Chastain, Jessica

  Chenoweth, Kristin

  Cher

  Cho, Margaret

  Chung, Connie

  CK, Louis

  Clay, Andrew Dice

  Clinton, Bill

  Clinton, Hillary

  Clooney, George

  CNN Heroes

  CNN New Year’s Eve Live

  Colfer, Chris

  Colin’s Sleazy Friends

  Collins, Jackie

  Combs, Sean (P. Diddy)

  Comedy Arts Festival

  Connery, Sean

  Conrad, Lauren

  Cook, Tim

  Coolidge, Jennifer

  Cooper, Alice

  Coop
er, Anderson

  Cop Land

  Cosby, Bill

  Costas, Bob

  Couric, Katie

  Coward, Noël

  Cowell, Simon

  Cranston, Bryan

  Crawford, Cindy

  Creed

  Cruise, Tom

  Crystal, Billy

  Culkin, Macauley

  Cyrus, Miley

  Dallas Buyers Club

  D’Angelo

  Davis, Angela

  Davis, Clive

  DeBarge, El

  DeGeneres, Ellen

  de la Renta, Oscar

  Delevingne, Cara

  Del Rey, Lana

  De Niro, Robert

  Dewan, Jenna

  Diagnosis: Murder

  Diaz, Cameron

  DiCaprio, Leonardo

  Dickinson, Angie

  Dick Tracy

  Dick Van Dyke Show, The

  Diddy, P.

  Dion, Celine

  Directors Guild of America Awards

  Divas Live

  Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan

  Doocy, Steve

  Douglas, Michael

  Drake

  Dr. Dre

  Duhamel, Josh

  Dunaway, Faye

  Dunham, Lena

  Dye, Nancy

  Dynasty

  E!

  Eagles

  Efron, Zac

  Electra, Carmen

  Elliott, Sam

  Emanuel, Rahm

  Eminem

  Emmy Awards

  Equality Now

  Estefan, Emilio

  Estefan, Emily

  Estefan, Gloria

  Extras

  “Family Celebration, A”

  Farrow, Mia, Dylan, and Ronan

  Fashion Police

  Fergie

  Ferguson, Sarah

  Ferrell, Will

  Fighter, The

  5 Seconds of Summer

  Flavin, Jennifer

  Fleetwood Mac

  Flockhart, Calista

  Fonda, Jane

  Foo Fighters

  Ford, Gerald

  Foster, David

  Foster, Jodie

  Fox

  Fox & Friends

  Fox News

  Foxx, Jamie

  Freeman, Morgan

  Friedkin, William

  Gaffigan, Jim

  Gaga, Lady

  García, Andy

  Garofalo, Janeane

  Gates, Melinda

  Geisha House

  Gerardo

  Gerber, Rande

  Gervais, Ricky

  Gifford, Frank

  Gifford, Kathie Lee

  Glee

  Godfather, The: Part III

  Goldberg, Whoopi

  Golden Raspberry Awards

  Gomez, Selena

  Good Morning America

  Gordon, Jeff

  Gosling, Ryan

  Graham Norton Show, The

  Grammy Awards

  Grande, Ariana

  Grandma

  Grant, Hugh

  Green, Brian Austin

  Green Day

  Grey, Brad

  Griffin, Gary (brother)

  Griffin, John (father)

  Griffin, Maggie (mother)

  Griffith, Melanie

  Groban, Josh

  Grohl, Dave

  Groundlings

  Grunberg, Greg

  Hagar, Sammy

  Haim

  Hall, Arsenio

  Hall Pass

  Hamilton

  Hamm, Jon

  Hanks, Tom

  Hannah Montana

  Harold & Kumar

  Harris, Neil Patrick

  Harry, Prince

  Hart, Carey

  Hasselbeck, Elisabeth

  Hastert, Dennis

  Hateful Eight, The

  Hawn, Goldie

  Hawn Foundation

  Hayek, Salma

  HBO

  Hellmuth, Phil

  Hello Ladies

  Hemsworth, Liam

  Herrera, Carolina

  Hilton, Paris

  Hof, Dennis

  Hollywood Bowl

  Hollywood Reporter

  Hollywood Squares, The

  Houston, Thelma

  Howard Stern Show, The

  HSN (Home Shopping Network)

  Hudson, Jennifer

  Hughes, Howard

  Huston, Anjelica

  Ice, Vanilla

  Ice-T

  I Heart Huckabees

  iHeartRadio

  Intern

  International Silks & Woolens

  Irons, Jeremy

  It’s Garry Shandling’s Show

  Jackson, Michael

  Jackson, Randy

  Jackson, Samuel L.

  James, LeBron

  Jarrett, Valerie

  Jenner, Caitlyn

  Jenner, Kendall

  Jenner, Kris

  Jenner, Kylie

  Jeremy, Ron

  Jessie J

  Jezebel.com

  Jillette, Penn

  Jingle Ball

  Jobs, Steve

  Jonas, Joe

  Jonas, Nick

  Jonas Brothers

  Jones, January

  Jones, Quincy

  Joseph Anton (Rushdie)

  Joy

  Judge Judy

  Kaczmarek, Jane

  Kardashian, Khloé

  Kardashians

  Kathy Griffin Wants a Tony

  Kathy’s So-Called Reality

  Katzenberg, Jeffrey

  Keaton, Michael

  Keener, Catherine

  Keeping Up with the Kardashians

  Keitel, Harvey

  Kelley, David E.

  Kendrick, Anna

  Kennedy, Ted

  Khomeini, Ayatollah Ruhollah

  Kid Rock

  KIIS-FM

  Kilmeade, Brian

  Kimmel, Jimmy

  King, Larry

  Kleiser, Randal

  Kline, Kevin

  Knight, Suge

  Kopelson, Anne

  Kopelson, Arnold

  Kraft, Robert

  Kubrick, Stanley

  Kunis, Mila

  Kutcher, Ashton

  LaChapelle, David

  Ladd, Diane

  Lady Gaga

  Lakshmi, Padma

  Landis, John

  Lansbury, Angela

  Lansing, Sherry

  Larry (dog)

  Larry Sanders Show, The

  Last Vegas

  Late Show with David Letterman

  Latifah, Queen

  Lauer, Matt

  Law & Order: SVU

  Lawrence, Jennifer

  Legend, John

  Leno, Jay

  Leo, Melissa

  Leto, Jared

  Letterman, David

  Lewis, Ryan

  Lifetime

  Lincoln Journal Star

  Live! with Regis & Kathie Lee

  Livingston, Ron

  LL Cool J

  Lohan, Dina

  Longoria, Eva

  Loop Group

  Lopez, George

  Lorde

  Los Angeles Press Club

  Louis-Dreyfus, Julia

  Lovatics

  Lovato, Demi

  Love, Courtney

  Love In For Kids

  Loveline

  Love Wrecked

  Lovitz, Jon

  Lynch, Jane

  Lynch, Marshawn (Beast Mode)

  Lynde, Paul

  Macklemore

  Mad Men

  Madonna

  Magic Mike XXL

  Mahogany

  Malcolm in the Middle

  Malik, Zayn

  Malone, Colin

  Mangano, Joy

  Manheim, Camryn

  Manilow, Barry

  Maples, Marla

  Mars, Bruno

  Martin, Dean

  Mathis, Johnny
<
br />   Maury Povich Show, The

  Mayer, John

  McCartney, Paul

  McCartney, Stella

  Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful

  Meet the Press

  Mendes, Eva

  Mengers, Sue

  Merchant, Stephen

  MGM Grand

  Miami Heat

  Michaels, Lorne

  Michele, Lea

  Midler, Bette

  Millan, Cesar

  Million Dollar Baby

  Min, Janice

  Minnelli, Liza

  Miranda, Lin-Manuel

  Mirren, Helen

  Mommie Dearest

  Moore, Demi

  Moore, Mandy

  Morgan, Tracy

  Mr. T

  Mr. Warmth

  MTV

  Mueller, Brooke

  Mullally, Megan

  Muppets, The

  Murdoch, Rupert

  Murphy, Eddie

  Myers, Mike

  My Life on the D-List

  Nashville

  Nealon, Kevin

  New Celebrity Apprentice, The

  New Year’s Eve Live

  New York Post

  New York Times

  Nicholson, Jack

  Nicks, Stevie

  Night Stalker, the

  90210

  *NSYNC

  Obama, Barack

  O’Brien, Conan

  Ocean’s Eleven

  Odom, Lamar

  O’Donnell, Rosie

  Office, The

  Official Book Club Selection

  One Direction

  O’Reilly, Bill

  Orman, Suze

  Osbourne, Kelly

  Osbourne, Ozzy

  Osbourne, Sharon

  Oteri, Cheri

  Painted Turtle

  Paltrow, Gwyneth

  Paramount Pictures

  Paterson, Vince

  Paul, Aaron

  P. Diddy

  Peanut Butter (dog)

  Pelosi, Nancy

  Pelosi, Paul

  Penn, Kal

  Penn, Sean

  People’s Choice Awards

  Perry, Linda

  Pfeiffer, Michelle

  Phoenix Entertainment Group

  Piers Morgan Live

  Pink

  Pinsky, Drew

  Pitbull

  Pitch Perfect

  Plaza, Aubrey

  Plenty

  Poitier, Joanna

  Poitier, Sidney

  Pom Pom (dog)

  Posen, Zac

  Posey, Parker

  Povich, Maury

  Powter, Susan

  Preston, Kelly

  Previn, Soon-Yi

  Prince

  Pytka, Joe

  Queen Latifah

  Quest, Richard

  Quinto, Zachary

  Quivers, Robin

  Rachtman, Riki

  Radio & Television Correspondents’ Association Dinner

  Ramirez, Richard (the Night Stalker)

  Randy (boyfriend)

  Ray, Rachael

  Ray Donovan

  Razzies

  Redford, Robert

  Reed, Lou

  Reilly, John C.

  Reinhold, Judge

  Richards, Denise

  Rickles, Don

 

‹ Prev