by Bry Ann
“Alex!” he gasped. I could hear him running over to me.
“It’s Alexa you fucker,” I snapped through my tears. I knew I sounded pathetic and weak, but out of force of habit I couldn’t just admit I was down. Especially to him.
Rex crouched in front of me and touched my knee. I tried to jerk away.
“I don’t want you to touch me,” I whispered. I couldn’t handle it. It was a lie. He hated me.
Rex removed his hand but stayed crouched in front of me. I still couldn’t look up at him. Not him. Anyone but him.
“What’s wrong?”
He sounded confused, angry, worried. He had no idea how the fuck to feel about this.
“You should go.” A choked sob escaped before I could stop it, and that opened the floodgates. I cried into my knees. Unable to control it.
“Despite wishing I could, my moral code won’t allow me to leave you here crying by a dumpster.”
Those words burned me. I could give a fuck about his morals.
“You don’t care though!” I snapped, finally looking at him. “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad and lost you. Pushed you away, just like everyone else, starting with my stupid fucking father. My whole life is a lie. Even my friends don’t know the truth about me. Who I am, what I’ve had to do. Fuck him!”
The pain was too much. I couldn’t. I had to relieve myself. I turned around and punched the wall so hard I heard my bones crack. Excruciating pain shot up my arm. The emotional pain still wasn’t gone either. I couldn’t take this. Have you ever felt like the pain alone would kill you? That was how I felt in that moment.
“Fuck,” I whispered as I held my throbbing wrist. “That really, really hurt.”
I tried to tuck my hand into my body, so Rex couldn’t see it, but I was too slow.
“Jesus Alexa!” Rex reached for my hand, but I tucked it in tighter to my body and clenched my jaw. Handle the pain. I had to handle the pain.
“You need to get that looked at, it’s broken,” Rex finally said, after realizing I wasn’t going to let him help me. I didn’t want his help. I couldn’t owe him anymore than I already did. I got killed his sister and then left him. I was the one who deserved to die the death Mia did. I felt a bitter laugh escape my lips. It was all unfair.
“This is so telling. I'm angry at him for what he did to me, but I’m the only one who ends up getting hurt.” Me, and everyone I love.
“Holding resentment is like drinking poison waiting for the other person to die,” Rex recited, as if on autopilot.
I couldn’t hold in my feelings for him this time. The anger I tried to hide behind was like a dull memory. I missed him. I loved the man in front of me so much and I lost him. All me. What would happen when this was all over? He’d go on with his life and I’d go on with mine. I couldn’t do that. Not this time.
“I lost you. I hurt you. Just fucking go.”
My body fell over. I suddenly felt like so heavy, like the weight of carrying my body was too much to handle. There was a long silence before Rex spoke again.
“Let’s get you inside.”
“No. I’ll stay here.”
Rex’s jaw clenched.
“Jesus, Alexa! Cut me a fucking break here. Just come inside.”
Not wanting to make things harder for him I used my free arm, keeping the other one cradled into my chest, and pushed myself up to standing. I kept my head down. Rex put his hand on my lower back and ushered me inside. I ignored his hand on my back. It was tense. He was just making sure I didn’t fall apart again. I was barely holding it together in the first place, and we both knew, despite everything, he was the only one with the power to hold me together in that moment.
I wasn’t even paying attention to where I was going. My world was gray. He could have been leading me to my death and I honestly would have cared less. The only thing I truly feared was my friends seeing me like this. I knew Rex well enough to know he wouldn’t let my friends see me. He was ever the gentlemen, too kind for the petty, passive aggressive shit that most people pulled. He didn’t kick people when they were down. No matter who it was, he lifted up them until they could stand on their own.
I was led out to the parking lot and into a four-door black sedan. I sat in the passenger seat unmoving. I waited for the car to start, but it never did. Rex got in on his side and immediately turned to face me.
“Care to explain what went on over there?” His posture has tense, bordering on angry. He was trying to hold it together, but quickly failing.
I shrugged. “I punched a wall. I was upset.”
“Yeah no shit! Care to explain why you did that?”
“Not particularly. I have a lot going on right now.”
“We all have a lot going on, but most of us don’t punch walls or,” Rex grabbed my uninjured arm and slid the sleeve up my forearm, “or shower until we fucking burn ourselves. What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were Alexa now. A girl with no feelings. This badass chick who hangs with Logan Prescott’s crew.”
I pulled my arm away gently. He let me go. “I thought so too.”
Rex stared at me, expression blank. I wait for him to say something, he looked like he was going to, but he didn’t. He quickly turned away and started the car.
“Where are we going?”
I started to wipe the tears out from under my eyes.
“Where do you think? The hospital.”
“No please, I hate hospitals.”
I said this even though the pain in my arm was nearly unbearable and my teeth were gritted just trying to manage the excruciating pain on the entire left side of my body. Rex scoffed.
“You think I’d take you if I had another choice. Unfortunately, I’m fucked. I'm the one who found you and your hand is broken in at least a couple places. You punched a fucking brick wall Alex. My mom and sister taught me manners.”
I shut up the rest of the drive.
There were no more words said.
The only noises I heard as the car drove past building after building was the occasional inhale of my pain ridden breath and the thumping of my broken heart.
Chapter 30:
I broke several fingers and my wrist. Stellar. Just fucking stellar. My entire forearm and hand was put in a brace, which was just annoying. The worst part was I didn’t feel any better. I wanted to cause more destruction to my body, but it’d be hard enough brushing off the questions about my hand, I could not show up with any more injuries. My friends are all smart and privy to emotional pain, they’d know. The ride back was so awkward there was so much to say, yet nothing to say at all. The odds that Rex would be the one to find me were astronomical, as was me seeing him at the bar all those years ago. Apparently, the universe had a cruel game to play with both of us. I’m sure we were both thinking that.
After ten minutes of silence I had to ask him for another favor and that killed me. I wanted to keep ignoring him so that way other so when we got back to the hotel we could pretend this whole thing never happened. I felt so uncomfortable my leg started bouncing around a million miles a minute. That was Dana’s thing, not mine. I was annoyed with myself but couldn’t stop it.
“Rex, please don’t tell my friends what happened. Not the details anyway. I know it’s wrong of me to ask, but they can’t know. They…”
“Don’t worry about it. I’d expect nothing less from you.”
With that, nothing else was said during the drive. Not. one. thing. When we arrived back at the hotel both of us walked in without saying a word. The tension could have been cut with a knife. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to him. The amount of hatred he felt towards me made it hard for me to breathe, let alone speak. We both headed up the stairs to our rooms, which weren’t too far from each other. I had every intention of going to my room, but I was honestly afraid of what I would do if I went in there alone. I had never felt such a strong urge to sleep everything away. I sighed and turned to Dana’s door, which was right by mine. I knocked a few tim
es.
“Day, it’s Alexa. I just… need a friend.”
Getting those words out was like drinking vinegar. Admitting that I needed help. There was the sound of shuffling, then the door opened. Standing in front of me was Dana with Gunner right standing right behind her. I immediately noticed her appearance. She looked disheveled. Her hair was static and sticking up all over this place. She had bedhead. She looked like she threw herself together in a hurry. I barged in her room and looked at the two of them.
“Were you guys fucking?” I laughed. It was so perfect. Just what I needed. Dana looked like she could die of embarrassment. I didn’t feel bad. I needed the laugh. Rex appeared in the doorway a few seconds later, for God knows what reason. With that Dana visibly started to panic and shake. Gunner stepped in immediately and told us to wait outside for a few minutes. Obviously so he could comfort his girl. He didn’t let anything come between her and her happiness. Once out in the hallway I turned to Rex.
“What were you doing over here?”
He was supposed to go to his room and I was supposed to go to mine. That was the unspoken agreement in the car.
“I felt obligated to make sure you were okay. I see you are so I’m leaving.”
“You did?” The words slipped out of my mouth. I sounded so fucking desperate.
Rex nodded his head, looking exhausted. “Don’t hurt yourself for at least 24 hours please.”
Then he walked off and went to bed. I wouldn’t let myself hope he cared. I knew he didn’t. Not after everything that had happened between us. Not after what my life did to his. Not after Mia. I left after that. Days flew by. Things looked up for Dana and Gunner. I was beginning to think all of my friends would get their fairytale endings. I was happy for them, but one day I knew they wouldn’t need me anymore. I’d just be that crazy aunt they asked to babysit once in a while. That would be another time in my life I’d have to get used to being alone. I was going to lose it. At least all my friends were protected by powerful men and Pytor couldn’t hurt them. All that was left was me, and, honestly, at this point I wouldn’t fight him all that hard if he came for me again. He took everything else from me.
The day we were set to leave was awful. I kept my promise to Rex and didn’t hurt myself for 24 hours, but the day I was set to leave Rex for good again I had to break that promise. I showered until my skin burned. I ripped up more papers than I could count. Sorry rainforest. I hated that goodbye was this hard. Especially since we didn’t even get along. He hated me. I hated that I couldn’t even say goodbye to him without falling apart. I hated that I no longer had the right to feel any desire to see Rex again. I just hated it. Heart pain is the worst kind of pain. The pain I was never good at dealing with. I mean I still talked to Anna every single night.
We all met in the lobby to say bye and I honest to God felt like an ice cube. Dana spoke with Rex, and I’m assuming thanked him for everything. All I could do was stare. I didn’t want to leave him. He opened up all my old wounds and now I had to go back and act like none of it never happened. I had to avoid and lie to all my friends when they asked how I knew Rex and why I ‘hated’ him. I didn’t know if I could do that. Finally, the talking ended, and I knew everyone was waiting on me to say something. Waiting with baited breath to see what I would say to him. I looked up and met his clear blue eyes. For the first time they held something more than hatred. His eyes matched my emotions.
“Bye. Thanks for fixing my hand,” I whispered, letting my hair hide my face.
That’s all I could think of to say. That’s all that would come out of my stupid mouth. I didn’t want to hear his reply. He’d either fake politeness to be cordiale in front of my friends, for Gunner, or just blow me off completely. He chose the first option.
“You're welcome Alex. I apologize, Alexa.”
“You can call me Alex,” I mumbled before running into the cab. I needed thirty seconds to fight back the tears and to stop my body from shaking so much. I said nothing to anyone the whole way back. All their words were blurred out by my never-ending thoughts and the incredible amount of pain I was in. I’d field their questions later.
Being back in Nashville was weird. It was like I was thrown into a parallel universe. In this case it was Alex living in Alexa’s world. The façade was nearly impossible to keep up, but somehow, I managed outside the doors of my apartment. Well, for the most part. Behind closed doors, however, I was losing it. Honestly. There were piles of shredded papers everywhere. For while I’d clean up after myself when I went on a paper ripping spree, but after a while I gave up on it. I was constantly relying on shredding paper to cope and cleaning up started to seem like a waste of time. My showers were pretty much always scalding hot. I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I cried myself to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, and every sound sent me flying back in alarm. I expected Pytor to rip apart my life again any second. I’d had people in my life for too long now. It was about time it all started falling apart. I felt like I was living in hell. Pure and simple. A lonely, heartbroken hell.
Sam saw it.
Dana saw it.
Fuck, even Logan and Gunner saw it.
Yet, despite the fact that everyone knew I was struggling, I still pretended to be the same person I always was around them, no matter how bad I was struggling. It was honestly pathetic.
It didn’t take long for things to get all screwed up again. I wasn’t surprised to hear Gunner was involved in Dana’s recent runaway stint. What I was surprised to find out was that Logan was involved too. It was not often Logan screwed things up. He thought everything out and pulled resources to make sure he did right by everyone. I was dumbfounded when I found out what they did. They took Dana to visit her awful parents without her knowledge. I would have been more pissed at them if Sam hadn’t been so over the moon furious about the whole thing. I’d never seen her so mad at Logan. She slapped him square across the face when she found. She didn’t stay mad long. Logan was such a mess. He felt awful. He turned into a complete recluse. It was so unlike himself it was almost scary to watch. Quite frankly, the whole thing was a disaster. I’d never seen Logan so depressed. He hated himself for what happened. He felt confused about whether or not to give his parents money. I mean he was in a rough predicament. We didn’t see Gunner. Logan was in contact with him, trying to make things right I presume, but Gunner was a man of action and never once stopped by for a “friendly chat”. Besides, he really could care less about us. It was all about Dana.
It didn’t take long for Gunner to set a plan in motions to make things right with her again. I was glad, because, like, where the fuck did Dana go? I mean where could she go? We were her friends and family. It sucked to admit, but I was worried. Really fucking worried. Dana was strong in her own right, but naive and easily influenced. I didn’t want to see anything bad happen to someone as sweet as her. I waited in my apartment anxiously for Sam’s call. I knew she’d call me and give me an update on Dana when she knew something. Sure, enough it came, along with the absolute shittiest news of all time. The phone rang three time before I picked it up.
“Sam.”
“Hey Alexa. How are you?” Sam sounded exhausted. Rightfully so. Her fiancé was depressed. Dana, who was basically her sister had run away, and Jazmine was in a phase of terror. I could hear her screaming in the background.
“I think the real question is are you okay?”
Sam sighed. “I’ll answer that honestly when you answer that honestly.”
Fair enough.
“Touché.”
I wouldn’t insult her by saying I was fine, when, we both knew I wasn’t.
“Good. Since we are on the same page I’ll get to the point.” Thank God. “Gunner’s going to get Dana back. No freaking shocker there, but we have a problem.”
“And that is…” Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart pounded. I had a bad feeling about this.
“Logan has a job and if he’s gone I have to stay back with Jazmine. We can’t bot
h leave her. Not again.”
“It’s fine. I’ll go with him,” I said easily. “I’m not a total bitch. I like Dana too.”
“Yeah I knew you’d go. I know you’re a big softie Alexa.”
I scoffed. Yeah, sure.
“That’s not the problem.”
“Okay then what is the problem?”
“Alexa, she’s with Rex.”
Just like that, everything in the room flipped upside and slammed into me. “WHAT? SHE’S WITH HIM! WHY? Like, fuck. Why him?” No. no. no. no. no.
“Alexa…Please. I’m begging you. Like, what am I supposed to do. I can’t leave Jazmine with Ms. Arnette again. I swore I’d never be that kind of parent. Besides the kids at the foster home need me. Logan has to take this job before he goes into a full out depression. He needs the distraction, and I need him strong. I still have shit to deal with Alexa. Please. Please.”
“Sam, I’d do anything for you. You know that. But… but I can’t do this. You don’t understand. I can’t.”
“Alexa, what if Dana needs us? You know her background. Is your vendetta against this guy really worth that risk? I can’t just let Gunner do everything. He’s really proved himself, but I’m still not comfortable with that.”
Neither was I.
“Fuck. Sam.” I closed my eyes for a second, trying to regain control. She had no idea what she was asking. This was no “vendetta”, but how would she know that? I haven’t told her anything. She knew nothing.
“Fine. Whatever. Fuck it. Tell me when and where.”
“Are you sure?”
“Don’t you dare are you sure me! I hate that question. You guilt me into going and then ask if I’m fucking sure. No, I’m not fucking sure! Does that change anything? You still need me to, right? So, fuck that fucking question.”
“Message received. Got it, right. Thank you, Alexa. Quick question. Why does Rex call you Alex? Was that your old nickname?”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. They were starting to realize they didn’t know about my past. Fuck Rex.