The Caterpillar King

by Noah Pearlstone

“What are you talking about?” I said.

  “Each challenge you faced had a specific purpose. They each represented qualities I look for in a man. The first one, the caterpillar, was a show of strength. The second test, the squirrel, was a measure of intelligence. That one almost tripped you up, even though I gave you nets and batteries. So many possible solutions…it was nearly too easy. But eventually you did find your way past him.

  “And of course, the third test was a measure of trust. In any relationship, one needs to be able to trust their partner. You showed yourself worthy when you put your faith in your caterpillar friend.”

  I didn’t feel all that satisfied by her explanation. “What about the dragon?” I said. “What was that for?”

  She smiled. “I love a man who can make me laugh,” she said.

  The witch paused, waiting for me to respond. But there wasn’t much I could say to that. Everything I had gone through, all the obstacles I had overcome…and it was all for nothing. I hadn’t found my mother. I wasn’t anybody’s savior. I was the winner of an old woman’s dating game.

  “I’m not marrying you,” I said.

  “You’re free to leave,” she said. “However, Tika is not.”

  That focused my attention back on what was important. My journey might’ve been a lost cause, but I still needed to get my friends out of here alive.

  “Let them go,” I said.

  She laughed. “Not a problem. But in that case, you will have to stay here,” she said. “If that’s the path you choose.”

  I considered accepting her proposal. Tika and Old Guy’s lives were more important than mine, anyway. I didn’t even know who I was. I didn’t have a family. I was nobody. Why not just turn myself in? On the positive side, the witch was still attractive. Other than her hands, it looked like she never aged. On the negative side, she was a witch. But everybody has their faults. I figured I’d make one last effort to escape. If that didn’t work, I’d resign myself to a life in the castle.

  “What if I gave you a gold coin?” I said. I pulled one out of my pocket.

  “Very good,” she said. “I can give you any thing,” she said.

  “Really?” I said. “How about Tika?”

  “Any thing,” she said. “People, animals, etc. are excluded.”

  That wasn’t very fair. “How about three coins for one animal and one person?” I said.

  She sighed. “You’re a little slow to catch on.”

  “Does that mean…?”

  “No,” she said. “It means no. You could give me a thousand gold coins and I still wouldn’t give them to you.”

  I went over to the frame of the bed and leaned against it. Tika was so close, but there was nothing I could do. If I wanted to save her, I’d have to give myself up. Unless…unless I made it an even better deal for the witch. I thought back to the witch’s room, full of card tables and roulette wheels. It occurred to me that there might be a very easy way to entice her.

  “How about this,” I said. “We make a bet. If I win the bet, we all go free. If you win the bet, we’re all trapped with you forever.”

  “Interesting,” she said. “And you plan on deciding this by…?”

  “Flipping one of these coins?” I said.

  “Boring,” she said. “They’re not even two-sided.”

  “Well…I don’t know.”

  I looked from Tika back to Old Guy. He gave me a big grin. Then he swung his arm back and flung it forward. I knew just what this charade meant.

  “What if we played a game?” I said.

  The witch nodded.

  “It’s called sticks and rocks. It’s simple, but it’s also very entertaining. The best place to play is at the bottom of a ditch.”

  “You can teach me the rules?” she asked.

  “Sure,” I said.

  She considered it for a moment.

  “Deal,” she said. “Let’s go.”

  22.

  Once the witch agreed to my offer, I blacked out. I felt myself falling, but it wasn’t free and easy. It was almost like falling through water. When I came to, I was back on rough, familiar ground. The light shone in from above and brought a smile to my face. It didn’t take me long to recognize my old ditch.

  Even though the ditch wasn’t my favorite place in the world, there was still something comfortable about it. The walls were the same and the dirt was the same and even Tika and Old Guy were here. There were a couple unpleasant differences, though. One, Tika was sound asleep, inside a small glass container. Two, there was a witch right next to her.

  “So,” said the witch, “I’m ready to hear about this game.”

  I explained the rules: how you have to throw the sticks and rocks across the halfway point, and how clean sides are worth points while dirty sides lose you points. Of course, she loved it. Everyone does.

  The witch offered to let me go first, which was surprisingly considerate. I set up at my end while Old Guy took his position near the half-line. The witch stood next to me with Tika.

  “You’re sure about this?” said the witch. “You can still escape with your own life.”

  I looked from Tika to Old Guy. There wasn’t any question in my mind.

  “Let’s play,” I said.

  The sticks and rocks felt heavy in my hand. Tika’s honeycomb arrangement had worked well the last time, so I tried to use a similar technique. I positioned the pieces in my hand until they were all touching just right. But when I pulled back to throw, I went too far, and my hand hit the wall. Some of the pieces shot forward, but some didn’t even make it past the half-line. A rookie mistake.

  I could hear the witch giggling at me. I didn’t think it was very kind. It could’ve happened to anyone, after all.

  “Is that how you play?” she said. “I had no idea.”

  I did my best to ignore her, and watched as Old Guy tallied the points. From my initial glance, I knew it wasn’t good. It looked like only three pieces made it across the line. Old Guy held up one finger, confirming my suspicions.

  “One?” I said. “That’s pretty bad.”

  But Old Guy shook his head. He moved his hands again. This time, I noticed he was holding his other hand horizontally, a pointer finger sticking out.

  “Negative one?!” I said.

  He nodded, and then picked up the scattered pieces. I felt like crawling further underground.

  “Well,” said the witch, “It will be hard not to beat that score.”

  She took the sticks and rocks in her hand and arranged them so all the rocks were on the inside, while the sticks jutted out in every direction. It looked like a flower. It was a sophisticated strategy, and I started to get the feeling this wasn’t her first time. She tossed the bundle across the line with confidence. I didn’t even need to see the results to know it was a great throw. A few seconds later, Old Guy held up a nine.

  “No way,” I said.

  “Hmm,” said the witch, looking disappointed. “Should’ve had ten.”

  And to be honest, she was right. One piece had come up just short of the line. If not for that, I would’ve lost on the first throw. Even so, it looked like it was pretty hopeless.

  For my next throw, I abandoned my strategy. To have any chance, I needed to stop thinking and just let go. I took the bundle between my two hands, let it settle at random, and tossed it across the line. Old Guy marked it as a four. At the very least, I didn’t hurt myself this time.

  “That’s all?” said the witch. “I was hoping for a competitive game…but it’s 9-3.”

  “I can keep score, thanks,” I said. “It’s not over yet.”

  But even I was having trouble believing that. With a nine on her first throw, who knew what would come next? I fully expected an eight or above. The ending would be quick and painful.

  The witch gathered her pieces once more, but this time she tried a different arrangement. I don’t know why you’d want to mess with near-perfection, but that’s what she did. She stacked the rocks on bot
tom and the sticks on top, making a tower. It seemed like a risky formation. She tossed the bundle across the line and…got a solid zero.

  “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “You don’t have the ability to keep up.”

  But she was wrong. I decided I’d play it safe and slow. Generally, if you go for the big throws, you either succeed spectacularly or fail spectacularly. Rather than taking a chance, I arranged it in a way that I knew would get between two and four points. It wasn’t going to win the game, but it wouldn’t lose it for me, either. Just as I expected, my throw got me four points.

  “It’s 9-7,” I said.

  “I can keep score,” she said.

  I could tell I was getting to her. She’d expected to cruise to a victory. Now that there was a little pressure, she was tensing up. And it’s never good to be tense during sticks and rocks. She tossed the bundle before I could even see the arrangement, and yet again, she got a score of zero.

  “Impossible,” she said.

  Anyone could see what was happening. She was completely rattled, and I had all the momentum. I took the bundle and once again went the safe route. On this throw, I got a two.

  “Oooh,” I said. For just a moment, I’d thought that I had another four. But still, I had tied the game at nine. I was feeling a lot better about my position than I had been a few minutes ago.

  The witch picked up the pieces, and now she looked nervous. She tossed the bundle, but it wasn’t a confident throw. I added up the numbers at a glance, and it looked like another zero. I was thrilled. I was going to have a shot at the victory. And then Old Guy held out his hand, and two fingers went up.

  “A two?” I said. I was stunned. I walked past the half-line to get a closer look. Even on the second inspection, it seemed like a zero.

  “Wait,” I said. “This shouldn’t be worth anything. See, these are clean-” I pointed at the five clean ones- “and then these are dirty. Five and five. It cancels out. Zero.”

  But Old Guy was shaking his head. He reached down and pointed at the heart-shaped rock, which was clearly dirty. He gave it the thumbs up.

  “What?!” I said. “Are you blind? That’s dirty. It was dirty the last time and it’s dirty this time.”

  Old Guy gave me a shrug. I couldn’t believe it. Not only was my freedom on the line, but so was his. He must’ve really had it out for me.

  “He’s made his decision,” said the witch. “You must keep your end of the deal.”

  She was very pleased with herself. I started to resign myself to my future. I would be married to this woman until death did me part. I kept waiting for Old Guy to say, “Just kidding!” but of course that didn’t happen. I’d gambled Tika’s life away, and now I’d lost mine, too. Overcome by exhaustion, I dropped to the ground.

  After a few moments of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled it together.

  “I-” I said.

  “There’s-” said the witch.

  We both paused. “You first,” said the witch.

  “Please,” I said. “Go ahead.”

  “Fine,” she said. “There is- perhaps- another way. A way where you and Tika walk free.”

  “And Old Guy?” I said.

  “Him, too.”

  “What do I have to do?” I asked. Even before she answered, I knew I wouldn’t like it.

  “Nothing in particular. You are allowed to leave and live out the rest of your natural lives. I will be alone again, but I’ll survive. There’s only one condition: Once Tika’s natural life ends, she must come back and work for me, in order to repay the debt. Her offspring must be willing to contribute, too.”

  It seemed like a very strange deal to me. Faced with the alternative, I guessed this was better. A lifetime of freedom is better than no freedom at all, right? But I still couldn’t figure out exactly what this had to do with me.

  “Why don’t you ask Tika if she wants to accept your offer?” I said.

  “She’s not in any state to do that,” said the witch.

  “You could just wake her up,” I said.

  “Not yet,” she said. “Not unless you agree.”

  I thought it over. “You won’t hurt her?” I said.

  “I won’t,” said the witch.

  “And there’s no other option?”

  “All three of you are welcome to stay,” she said.

  I gave it another half-second of thought.

  “Deal,” I said.

  For just a moment, time seemed to freeze. Then the moment passed, and the ground shook. A sound like thunder roared overhead.

  The witch picked up the glass jar and handed it to me. I looked over at Old Guy, and saw he had a big grin on his face. The witch was much more somber.

  “I’ll…be sad to see you go,” she said. “But you’re free.”

  “Wait,” I said. “Aren’t you going to wake Tika up?”

  The witch laughed. “Wasn’t part of the deal,” she said.

  I knew it’d been too good to be true. Looking down at the glass jar in my hand, I felt ashamed. Tika was so small and fragile. And now, she would stay this way until the end of her “life.” After all that, she’d be forced to work for the witch.

  “This isn’t fair,” I said.

  “You made the deal,” she said.

  She was right about that. But I didn’t have any idea how to wake Tika, and I couldn’t just leave. I was about to keep arguing with the witch when Old Guy pointed at my pants.

  “What?” I said. “They’re stained?”

  Old Guy shook his head. He mimicked putting his hand in a pocket. Then I reached into my own pocket and pulled out three gold coins. I’d nearly forgotten about them. Old Guy gave me the thumbs up.

  “What am I supposed to do? Give them to Tika?”

  This sent Old Guy into another charade. But for some reason, I couldn’t make sense of this one. Our connection had died out at just the wrong time.

  “You can still trade the gold coins,” offered the witch. “And I will give you something back.”

  Old Guy nodded.

  “Ohhh,” I said. I was supposed to ask for an item that would wake Tika up. What could that be? Something that would get her up and moving…I looked at Tika again and thought back over everything we’d gone through. The ditch, her boyfriend, the water, the squirrel…the squirrel. Then I knew it, as clear as could be. I went up to the witch with one of my gold coins.

  “I’d like to make a trade,” I said. “One gold coin for a battery.”

  The witch took the gold coin, and then she closed her fingers around it, making a fist. When she opened her hand, there was a shiny new battery inside. She handed it to me.

  “Thank you,” I said. I set the container down. With the utmost care, I lifted the rim of the glass case up, revealing Tika. Then I put the battery right up to her body, so she was almost cradling it. Tiny sparks shot between the two. And ever so slowly, Tika opened her eyes.

  “Where am I?” she said.

  “Oh no,” I said. It hadn’t occurred to me before, but there was a possibility she’d lost her memory, too. “Do you know who I am?”

  She studied me for a moment. “Yeah, I do,” she said. “You are the guy I bit.”

  I laughed. “That’s true,” I said. “Don’t worry, we’re safe now. We’re in a ditch, but we can leave whenever we want. But actually…I might need to visit an old friend on the way out.”

  I went back to the witch with my second gold coin.

  “I’d like to trade this coin for a net,” I said. “I know someone who could really use a good night of sleep. I think it’ll do wonders for his mood.”

  The witch shrugged and took my coin. Again, she closed her hand around it, and when she opened it, she revealed a scrunched-up net. She handed it to me.

  “Great,” I said. Then I got ready to head out with Tika and Old Guy.

  “Is that all?” said the witch. “You still have another gold coin.”

  “Hmm…” I said. I didn’t want to be greedy, but ther
e was one thing I really wanted. I went back to the witch and handed her the third gold coin.

  “I’d like a memory,” I said. “A memory of my mother.”

  The witch paused, and then handed back the coin. “I cannot do that,” she said.

  “Why not?” I said. “A memory is a thing.”

  “I cannot do that because you have no memories of your mother and I have no memories of her. And there’s no way to get new memories. She’s dead. She died when you were born.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Well.”

  A few minutes passed, with none of us speaking. I hadn’t expected to find my mother, but I hadn’t expected this, either. I’d come all this way, looking for an answer, and now I’d gotten one. My mother was gone, and as far as I could see, it was my fault. If I hadn’t been born…everything might’ve been different. My mom might’ve been here today, instead of me.

  “You should not blame yourself,” said Tika.

  “What?” I said.

  She looked up into my eyes. “It will not change anything,” she said. “I know it is hard. But you cannot blame yourself for what is out of your control.” She paused. “Maybe this is the way it was always supposed to be. Some of us are never meant to exist in the same time, in the same place. Some of us are not meant to be together.”

  Tika gave me a sad smile.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Maybe.”

  So this was how it was going to end: no mother, no memories, no hope. But then…I did have an idea.

  “Make one up,” I said to the witch. “Can you do that?” I handed my last gold coin to her.

  “What?” she said.

  “Can you give me a memory with my mother? It doesn’t have to be real.”

  The witch didn’t know what to think. She examined the gold coin, and then looked back at me.

  “All right,” she said. “That is a possibility. But what exactly do you want?”

  For a few moments, I thought about it. “I want it to be a very old memory,” I said. “That’s what I would like.”

  The witch nodded, and then she motioned for me to come closer. She placed her hands on my temples, and her palms started to heat up. I closed my eyes, and I could feel someone’s warmth right next to me. When I opened my eyes, I realized I was a baby, and my mother was holding me. She rocked me gently, almost as if she were putting me to sleep. Then she leaned her head in, her lips barely grazing my ear.