Boy Meets Girl b-3
Page 11
And God knows, he could use the workout.
God! This is so FUN! Promise you won’t break her heart, though. Because that would be a real buzz kill. Kind of like when Peter brings his kiddies over.
Oh, God, I’ve got the Prada show. Ciao for now.
XXXOOO
Dolly
To: Dolly Vargas
Fr: Mitch Hertzog
Re: Kate
There is no licentious motive behind my request that you offer Ms. Mackenzie a place to stay. She merely seems like a person who needs a helping hand . . . andwhose hands are more competent thanyours, Dolly?
Thanks again.
Mitch
To: Mitchell Hertzog
Fr: Stuart Hertzog
Re: Amy
Just what are you trying to do, anyway? You had no right to go to Amy’s office today and attempt to intimidate her like that. She is a sweet young woman, not one of those hardened criminals you’re used to dealing with. She will schedule an appointment with you for pretrial discovery when I say she can . . . and that will be when she is good and ready to, and not before.
And what is this letter you keep going on about? Amy keeps impeccable records, so whatever this letter is you keep nagging her about, I’m certain it’s in that pie lady’s file.
God, you are SUCH an asshole. I really thought Stacy might have been able to get through to you, but I see now that you’re too far gone.
Which is a pity. You had real potential.
But now I know you’re just as depraved as those pimps and murderers you helped put back out on the street.
Stuart Hertzog, Senior Partner
Hertzog Webber and Doyle, Attorneys at Law
444 Madison Avenue, Suite 1505
New York, NY 10022
212-555-7900
To: Stuart Hertzog
Fr: Mitchell Hertzog
Re: Amy
That’s funny. I thoughtyou were the depraved one. After all, aren’t you the one who made your fiancée fire a woman, merely because she wouldn’t give you a piece of pie?
Ms. Jenkins seems to be somewhat nervous concerning her case against Mrs. Lopez. I understand that while a verbal warning was issued, a written letter of warning, however, was not. I believe that, according to her collective bargaining agreement, the delivery—and acknowledgment—of such a letter is necessary before steps toward permanent dismissal can be taken.
But Mrs. Lopez says she never received such a letter. Strange, isn’t it, that she was fired anyway?
And not to spoil your illusions, sporto, but your “sweet young girl” can fight her own battles. She has a mouth on her like a longshoreman. She actually called me a fucker, if memory serves. . . . Oh, and wait, it does, since I taped our brief but oh-so-illuminating conversation in her office.
Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if I played this tape for Mom? Oh, yeah! I’m going to give Mom a call right now!
Love ya
Mitch
aka The Fucker
Hello, you’ve reached the Hertzog residence. Margaret and Arthur can’t come to the phone just now. Please leave a message, and one of us will be happy to get back to you.
(Tone)
Mom? Hi, it’s Stuart. Listen, I just want to say . . . Well, Mitch says he’s going to call you, and I just want to make sure you know, before he does, that the tape he says he’s going to play for you . . . Well, it’s fake. It’s a fake, and—
(Click)
“Hello?”
“Mom?”
“No. It’s Sean. Is that you, Stuart?”
“Yeah. Janice, let me talk to Mom.”
“Mom’s not here. And I’ve asked you before. Don’t call me Janice. It’s Sean.”
“Okay, Sean, whatever. Just tell Mom when she gets home—“
“Hey, is it true?”
“Is what true?”
“About that Amy girl.”
“You mean that I’m marrying her? Yeah, it’s true. And I hope, Janice, that you’ll join us on our special day—“
“No. I mean about her calling Mitch a fuckhead.”
“Janice. Is the answering machine still recording?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“Hang up the phone, Janice.”
“The name is Sean, I
told
you.”
(Click)
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Paradise
Hey. It’s me. I’m e-mailing you, and on a WEEKEND. That’s because I’m e-mailing you from Dolly’s laptop at her place, and she has DSL. Oh my God, you guys would DIE if you saw this place. Dolly lives in a penthouse, overlooking the East River. You can see BOATS going by. BOATS.
And that’s not all. She’s got THREE bathrooms—THREE—and three bedrooms, each the size of your living room, and a living room the size of your whole apartment, and a terrace—aterrace —the size of your building’s roof. This place is SO NICE.
I mean, not that your place isn’t nice. Because it totally is. Your place is nice and comfy and lived in. I mean, seriously, that beanbag chair is way comfier than any of the chairs Dolly has.
But the cool thing about Dolly’s place is that, you know. I’m not in anybody’s way. Not even Dolly’s. Because she’s never even here.
Well, I mean, she’s here now. I can hear her shower running. But I don’t know what time she came rolling in. She went to some big party last night. She wanted me to come, too, but I have to admit, I was kind of more interested in her TV. Jen, she’s got a 50-inch plasma screen with HD and three hundred channels! And that’s just in the living room! In my room, there’s a 36-incher, and even though it isn’t HD, it’s still flat-screen. I found channels on it I’d never even HEARD of.
I know what you’re probably saying. That I should have gone to the party with Dolly. I mean, she even offered to let me borrow her clothes. She had a leather halter top all laid out for me. Just like the kind Alyssa Milano wears.
But I don’t know. I just didn’t feel like going to a party with a bunch of people I don’t know. I know style editors do it all the time, but human resources representatives? Not so much. So I ordered in chicken in garlic sauce and watched the Travel Channel. Yeah! A whole channel, devoted to travel! Did you know that in Thailand, you can hail a public bus like you do a cab here in New York? Well, you can. You just stick out your hand and they stop for you. Could you imagine if we tried that here, with the M1? They would just mow us down.
Ooops, Dolly’s coming out of her room. I mixed up a big batch of pancake batter, so I can fix her breakfast. I figure it’s the least I can do because she’s been so nice to—
Oh, wait a minute. That’s not Dolly—
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Paradise
Oh my God, you can’t leave me hanging like this. WHO IS IT?
Also, although you clearly aren’t missing us, we’re missing you. Craig’s first words when he stumbled out of the bedroom this morning were, “What? No pancakes?”
See? You’re missed.
So. Spill. Did you just have breakfast with PETER HARGRAVE, founder and CEO of the esteemed publication for which we work?
Tell me the truth: boxers or briefs?
J
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Paradise
Um, no, I did not just have pancakes with Peter Hargrave. Because Peter Hargrave was not who just came wandering out of Dolly’s bedroom. The person who just came wandering out of Dolly’s bedroom was someone I’ve never seen before. He was about our age, with shoulders out to here, and probably one of the more attractive men I’ve seen in a while. Like model att
ractive. Which, if you like that kind of thing, can be nice. I guess. Although I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who was prettier than me.
He just went, “Uh, hi,” when he saw me . . .
AND THEN HE LEFT!!!
Just LEFT!!!!!!!!!!
I do not want to cast aspersions on Dolly’s reputation, but I think . . . well, I think Peter Hargrave might have some competition.
Oops, here’s Dolly. Explanation hopefully forthcoming.
Katie
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Paradise
WHO WAS HE?????
And I just want to apologize for the fact that Craig and I were unable to provide you with plasma screens, the Travel Channel, your own bathroom, and a river view. Not to mention strange, broad-shouldered men wandering through the apartment on Saturday mornings.
Now. WHO WAS HE?????
To: Jen Sadler
Fr: Kate Mackenzie
Re: Paradise
Um, Dolly doesn’t appear to know his name. She just calls him Skiboy. Because he is a skiing instructor.
She met him last night. SHE MET HIM LAST NIGHT!!!!! AND SLEPT WITH HIM ALREADY!!!!!!
I don’t want to sound like some girl from Kentucky, but excuse me, what happened to getting to know someone before getting horizontal with them? She could have at least found out his NAME, for crying out loud.
But when I mentioned this to Dolly, she just went, “Who cares about hisname , darling, when he’s got thoseshoulders?”
And so Skiboy I’m afraid he is destined to remain.
I asked Dolly what about Peter Hargrave, and she told me she and Peter have had an open relationship ever since his third marriage.
Dolly really likes my pancakes. After this we are going jogging (!) around the reservoir in order to keep our girlish figures. Then we’re going to some new opening at the Met. Want to join us?
Katie
P.S. Really, your place is much better than Dolly’s. All she has in the fridge is champagne and yogurt. Really. I had to use Better Butter to make the pancakes, so they are a bit runny.
To: Kate Mackenzie
Fr: Jen Sadler
Re: Jogging
Um, thank you for the invitation, but I am trying to get pregnant, remember? The last thing I need is for my uterus to fall out, which is always what I fear is going to happen whenever I go jogging.
Have fun with your new little friend. Craig and I will probably just go to the movies, or something. Not all of us can lead glamorous jet-setting lives with Skiboys trailing in and out of our penthouse.
J
P.S. Dale left four messages on the machine and finally settled for throwing a can of Del Monte peaches with a note wrapped around it onto our fire escape. Do Del Monte peaches have some kind of symbolic meaning for the two of you? Or do you think he just couldn’t find a brick? Anyway, near as I can decipher—his handwriting is execrable, I suppose because he’s a musical genius, or whatever—the note says:
Katie, sorry about what happened at your office. Please don’t be mad. I swear I’ll never do it again. But I really need to know: Have you seen my bowling shoes? You know, those ones I accidentally wore home from Chelsea Piers that one night? Because I really need them for a gig. They go great with my plaid pants.
Love always,
Dale
P.S. Who was that guy in the Bugs Bunny tie, or whatever it was, who kept looking like he wanted to hit me? Is he like your new boss or something? What happened to the T.O.D.? Anyway, I don’t like that guy very much. That’s all. Dale
Such a charmer. Hey, maybe Dolly’ll share Skiboy with you! Have fun at the concert.
J
What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the weight of a single grain of sand? The answer is: Equal to my interest in the message you are about to leave.
So make it short.
(Tone)
Mitch. Oh my God. It’s Stace. I never in a million years expected him to just stop by like that. I mean, he’s never done it before. It must be
her
influence. I was totally at a loss. Trust Stuie not to think he has to call first. I mean, who wouldn’t want the great Stuart Hertzog to grace them with his presence? Anyway. What did he say to you, exactly, out in the garage? Jason said he walked in while he was putting his clubs away, and you two were going at it. Jason says he never saw anybody who looked more like he wanted to take a swing at someone. Stuart, I mean. At you. Oh . . . No, sweetie, I don’t know where Mermaid Barbie went. Did you leave her in the hot tub again? Check there. . . . Anyway, it was great to see you. You look good. Call me back so we can talk bad about her.
(Click)
What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the weight of a single grain of sand? The answer is: Equal to my interest in the message you are about to leave. So make it short.
(Tone)
Mitchell. This is your mother speaking. I don’t know what kind of game you think you’re playing with your brother, but I can tell you I for one do not find it very amusing. Stuart is extremely, extremely hurt. I want you to call and apologize to him. It’s bad enough that you’re sullying Amy’s reputation by implying she dismissed this muffin lady wrongly or without just cause. But just what, exactly, did you mean today when you asked her—in front of your sister, and her in-laws, and everyone, if I hear correctly—if the Pi Delts were going to perform any sort of initiation rites on Stuart? Were you implying that Pi Delta is some sort of Satanic group? Just because no Greek society would ever accept you as a member is no reason to malign the organization. Especially given that your own father was a Delta Upsilon. I am tired of having to clean up your messes, Mitchell. I want you to call your brother and apologize not only for the slight against Amy, but also for making up this ridiculous rumor that she called you a nasty name. So I want you to say you’re sorry. That’s all. Just pick up the phone and call your brother and say you’re sorry. Don’t think your father isn’t going to hear about all of this, if you don’t.
(Click)
What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the weight of a single grain of sand? The answer is: Equal to my interest in the message you are about to leave. So make it short.
(Tone)
It’s Sean. Dude, you are in so much trouble. I’ve never seen Mom so pissed off. She says this is the last straw. She says you’re always putting her in the middle, and that she feels like she has to make a choice between you and Stuart, and she’s choosing Stuart, because she says you’re mentally unstable. Oh, and did Amy Jenkins really call you a fuckhead? Dude, that is just
so
sweet. Call me.
(Click)
What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the weight of a single grain of sand? The answer is: Equal to my interest in the message you are about to leave. So make it short.
(Tone)
I would thank you to keep your opinions on the Greek system and my engagement to yourself, Mitch. You don’t need to be sharing them with Stacy’s in-laws and everyone else in Greenwich. Nobody’s interested in your observations on the traditions of my fiancée’s sorority. Furthermore, your assertion that Amy did not follow proper protocol when dismissing that idiot pie lady is completely absurd. As director of Human Resources, Amy can hire and fire whomever she chooses. I think you’re forgetting just which side you’re working for in this case. You are being employed by Peter Hargrave, NOT Ida Lopez. I’d thank you to remember it. And don’t you ever, ever waltz into my fiancée’s office and demand to see paperwork, as if she were one of those common criminals you used to defend and with whom, I’m told, you still occasionally socialize. Amy is a far better person than the sort you’re used to, and deserves to be treated not just as a law-abiding citizen, but as a future member of your family. Understood?
God, I as
k you to take on a simple case of wrongful termination, and you manage to turn it into some freaking conspiracy against the working man—my God, Mitch! Just do the job you were asked to do and stop overthinking everything, as you are so wont to do. Some people just deserve to lose their jobs, you know! Unless you want to be one of them, get off Amy’s case. And don’t even TRY to say that I couldn’t get Dad to let you go if I wanted to. We both know who Dad’s favorite is, and it’s not you, buddy.