When he pulled out a pair of thick, fuzzy socks, she laughed. He hated it when she wore socks to bed; it had always been a joke between them. She would put them on, only to take them off minutes after getting under the covers, and put her feet on him to warm up.
“Babe, I got these because it’s getting colder out, and without me here, I wanted to make sure you had somewhere to put your ice-cold feet when you went to bed.” That made her cry a little. When he pulled out the next item in his bag, she was in full-blown tears. She recognized the paper, she had gotten it special, just for him. It was blue with motorcycles around the edges.
“I’m giving you this because I’ve held on to it all these years and thought you should have it back.” Cathy took the beat up, folded piece of paper, unfolding it carefully. The words were hers. It was the first letter she ever wrote him after they met and he was deployed. It wasn’t full of I love yous or anything extraordinary, just about how her day had been and that she missed him. But he had kept it all these years.
“Crank...”
“Cathy, I love you. Never said that to another woman, and I never will. I’ve kept that and this in my wallet,” Crank said handing over a picture. It had been taken the day they met. They were both smiling with their heads tilted toward one another. They were so young. She never knew he’d kept those things.
“That picture has been on two deployments and too many missions to count. You’ve always been my home. I felt like if I kept a tiny piece of you with me, everything would be okay. I’m giving it back to you now because I like what we have, I like cuddling up on the couch, watching tv while you read. I like having dinner with just the two of us and walking in the woods with the dogs. I like our life, and a part of me doesn’t want that to change, but babe, I’m not stupid, I know that things are going to change. It doesn’t change that I don’t want to date you, I just want to be with you. Now and forever.”
“Oh, Collin,” Cathy said grabbing hold of him and hugging him close. “I want that too, more than you will ever know, it's just…”
“Just tell me what you want, babe. I’m not a mind reader, and you’ve been keeping shit bottled up for a long-assed time. You know me probably better than anyone else, you know I’m a stubborn asshole. Just give me the words, tell me what to do here to make this right.”
Cathy leaned forward and brushed her lips against his, she couldn’t resist it had been so long. At first, the kiss was chaste, small and intimate, but that wasn’t enough. She pushed herself further, licking his bottom lip, opening her mouth slightly, inviting him in. When she felt the glide of his tongue against hers, she sighed. She missed this, missed his touch, missed his kiss. Bringing her hands up, she circled his neck, pulling him closer to her, increasing the kiss.
Panting, Crank pulled away, saying “I missed you, I love you,” all in a hurried, rambling mess between kisses to her cheek then her neck adding little licks and tugs with his teeth. Cathy loved it and could feel herself become wet from his attention. She ran her fingers through his thick hair, scratching his scalp lightly with her nails, getting a moan from him, encouraging her to go further.
His mouth and lips were making a trail down her neck to her shoulders, pulling away the top of the dress she was wearing. When she felt his hand tug at the fabric pooled at her waist, she leaned back enough for him to pull it over her head and moaned when his lips touched the hot flesh of her lace covered breasts. His large hands cupped her heavy breasts as he continued to taunt her through the lace. Cathy leaned back further, pulling his head closer to her. Wanting more.
Crank followed, covering her body with his, bringing his lips back to her mouth, covering her own. She felt his body on her, his erection grinding against her core through their clothes and everything went fuzzy. It was no longer Crank on her, but those men. Cathy fought, scratched, punched, and screamed. This was not going to happen to her again, she would die before she let it happen again.
Crank didn’t know what to do at first. Cathy had gone from soft and sultry to a banshee, screaming and fighting for all she was worth. He realized she wasn’t with him anymore. Her eyes were unfocused and wild. He grabbed her hands and held her down, not having a choice, she was tearing him up. He could already see streaks of blood dripping from his chest and forearms. He maneuvered himself so he was straddling her body, bringing her hands up, so he could hold them in one hand.
Cupping her cheek, he started talking, “Cathy it’s me, stop baby, it’s Collin, you’re at home and you’re safe. Come on Cathy,” he pleaded over and over again until she started coming around. The wildness was gone from her eyes, but tears had replaced it and tore Crank apart. He let her hands go, hating it when she curled in on herself. He got up from the couch and sat next to her, rubbing her hair out of her face, trying to get her to look at him. “It’s okay, baby. I shouldn’t have. Damn, Cathy, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed.”
“No,” Cathy said, “you didn’t do anything wrong, but you need to leave.”
“Cathy, I don’t think that’s what I should do. Come on, we need to talk about this.”
“No,” the inflection in her voice was cold, monotone, “you need to leave, now.”
Crank moved away a little, still sitting on the floor when she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the couch, standing up. Grabbing her dress off the floor, she covered herself with it, like a shield.
“You need to leave, I need to be alone. Respect my wishes or don’t come back.”
Crank watched as she went down the hall. He heard the door close, and he couldn’t help himself, he went down the hall and stood there, listening to her cry. Son of a bitch, what had he done now? He waited there, leaning up against the wall until the sobs quieted. Then he waited some more. He tried the door, it wasn’t locked. Opening it a little, he saw Cathy laying on the bed, curled into a protective ball, and he wanted to beat his own ass. How had he let things get so out of control? He knew better. Had read everything he could on triggers and how to help Cathy through this, but he’d fucked up. He was shocked when he heard her voice.
“You need to leave, Crank. I asked you leave. I’ll be fine just, please go.”
Everything in him was telling Crank to stay, to fight it out, that this could be it. That she would finally say there was nothing left for them, but he couldn’t stay. He needed to do what she said.
“Okay, Cathy, I’ll give you this, but this isn’t over. I’ll call you later.”
Going out to his bike, Crank realized this was going to be the hardest ride of his life. It might only be ten minutes, but it was taking him away from the woman he loved when she needed him the most. Hell, when he needed her the most.
Chapter 19
It had been three days since Cathy freaked out on him on their date. She wouldn’t talk to him and Crank wondered why he was even at this house in the middle of fucking nowhere for a therapy session. When the tiny, little blonde answered the door, he was taken aback for a second; he recognized her. Cathy had said she was the one who had adopted Sadie, but that wasn’t where he knew her from.
Kayla stepped back, and the look on her face held fear. Crank followed suit and stepped back as well; he remembered all this woman had been through. An MC down south had picked her up off the street and held her for days. When Tuck got wind of it, he sent in a team. Crank had been one of the first men in. It had taken weeks for her to resemble anything close to a woman. They had abused her so badly, she had needed rounds of plastic surgery. He only recognized her now because of the pictures he’d seen.
Crank held up his hands, “Shit, hon, I’m sorry. I should have stayed further back when you answered the door.”
“No, its fine, just caught me off guard a little. I never put two and two together, but I know you, don’t I?”
“Yeah, hon.”
“You were there that night, you held my hand and talked to me while I was in the ambulance.”
“Yeah, listen, I can leave. I didn’t know that…”<
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“No, shit, I’m sorry, this isn’t very professional. It’s just every time I see a leather cut, I think of what happened. Just threw me. Come on in, Cathy’s already waiting in the office.”
“Are you sure? We can reschedule or something.” Crank took off his cut and held it in his hands.
“No, sorry, it’s fine.” Kayla reached out to take his cut, but pulled her hands back, motioning to a closet on the other side of the foyer. “If you wouldn’t mind, could you hang it up in there?”
“Sure.” From anyone else, he would have been offended. A biker’s cut meant everything to him, but this woman had been through so much, he didn’t have the heart to make her more uncomfortable by wearing it around her. Kayla had waited for him, but he knew it was a bad idea to be at her back. “How about you just point the way?”
“Thank you,” Kayla sighed. “Down the hall, first door on the left.”
This was going to be a cluster fuck. The therapist couldn’t even look at him and was scared to death. How was this going to help him and Cathy? Then he got in the room, and his woman wouldn’t even look at him. Fucking great. Kayla motioned for him to sit on the couch with Cathy.
“Okay, so Crank, since this is your first time, I think we need to set up some ground rules. Cathy has something she wants to say, and she wanted to do it in a neutral setting. That’s why we’re here.”
Crank doubted that; Cathy was hiding again, but he kept his mouth shut. For now.
“Cathy, why don’t you go ahead and start.”
“Okay, Crank, I don’t think this is going to work. I think maybe we should just stop what we’re doing and move on.”
“Really? Well, Cathy, this is what I think. You’re hiding, again. The other night freaked you out, and instead of talking about it or dealing with it, you had me come down here so you could spew some bullshit, so you didn’t have to deal with what happened.”
“Fuck you! I’ve been dealing with what happened. I just don’t think it’s going to work out between the two of us, there’s too much water under the bridge.”
“Baby, there will never be too much water under the bridge for us. I was a fucking Navy SEAL, I can assure you, I can tread water longer than anyone. You’re scared, that’s all this is. Now, tell me what’s really on your mind.”
“That’s what’s on my mind. I can’t be the person you need. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the person you need.”
“Well, damn, baby, I thought you were exactly the person I need. Keep going, don’t stop now.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable enough to have sex, and I can’t ask you to hang on and wait until I figure it out. It’s not fair to you.”
“Babe, give me a break. So, you think sex is all I want from this relationship? Not even close. I can rub one out in the shower if I need to. I’m not some sex crazed kid who can’t control himself. I can wait for as long as it takes.”
“What if it never changes? What if I never feel comfortable enough?”
“Then we can deal with that when the time comes.”
“See, that’s what you don’t get. Why keep going when we don’t know if it will last? It hurts too much, I can’t do it. I can’t lose again. Don’t you get that?”
“Now, we’re getting somewhere. I’ve been waiting for you to bring this up. Why don’t you tell me about the baby?”
Cathy was floored she had no idea Crank knew about the baby, but he apparently did and hadn’t said anything.
“The baby? Don’t you mean our baby, or is it easier for you to say the baby because it makes him a little less real? You never did want kids after all, maybe…”
“Don’t finish that sentence, Cathy, and don’t put words in my mouth. I might not have known about him, but he was still mine. I would’ve loved him just as much as you did, but you didn’t give me the chance, did you?”
“No, you told me we weren’t having kids. We didn’t talk about anything, you never once told me why you didn’t want them. Just said we were fine the way we were. Well, we weren’t. I wanted things. Hell, I wanted all of it—two-point-five kids, a ring on my finger—everything. But now, I’ll never get the chance because they beat our baby right out of me. Do you get that? I can’t have children now, but that wouldn’t really matter to you because you never wanted them, right? Well, I fucking did.”
“Cathy, we talked about that, we talked about not having kids. You agreed. That doesn’t mean I won’t mourn our child. Hell, you never said anything. I didn’t even know you were pregnant until I read the fucking file. Why the fuck would you keep something like that from me? Shit, Cathy, I said that crap about kids fifteen years ago. Neither of us is the same people now. You could have told me. You just didn’t, you made that choice, not me.”
“What about the fact that you said the patch on my back was worth more than any piece of paper the government could give me?”
“You want to get married? Hell, let’s go to Vegas or the courthouse, we can do it right now. But that still isn’t getting to the heart of this, is it?”
“I wanted that baby so bad, Crank. I didn’t plan it, but I was so happy. I was going to tell you that week. I was going to tell you about him, and if you still felt the same way, I was going to leave. Raise him on my own, but I wanted him.”
“Then why didn’t you say anything? Even after you came back from the hospital, you still didn’t say anything. You’re throwing it in my face now. What do you want me to say?”
“Because I knew better, because you wouldn’t listen. Do you remember what you said to me the first time we fought about kids? Take me how I am or leave. It was so easy for you to say that, so easy for you to just dismiss me and what we had. Did you really think I would bring it up again? I want you to say you wanted him, that it wouldn’t have mattered, that you would have stayed, and we could have been a family.”
“But you didn’t even give me the chance, did you? You want to know why I didn’t want to have kids! It’s because I don’t know how to deal with them, wouldn’t know how to do right by them. My mom was a fucking, drugged-out whore who never wanted me, not exactly the best example of model parenthood. I lived with that until I got the hell out. I joined the service, then the MC. My life, our life isn’t really suitable to raise kids in. What if something happened on a run or hell just driving down the fucking road and the kid was left behind? Who is going to take care of them, the government? I spent time in foster care, Cathy, it wasn’t fun. I refuse to put a kid of mine through that. But that doesn’t mean if we made a kid that I wouldn’t deal with my shit, Cath. I would have, and I would have loved him, just as much as you did.”
“Just like you made the choice to let Misty hang all over you.”
“I was fucking drunk, and nothing happened, you know that.”
“Nothing happened because Blade called me, but what would have happened if I hadn’t been there, Crank?”
“Now you’re saying I’m a cheater? I’ve never cheated on you Cathy, and you know that. What’s this all about?”
Cathy was seething mad. It always annoyed her how Crank was always so calm and laid back about shit. She was falling apart at the seams, and he was just sitting there like it was just another day. Well, it wasn’t, it was today, and she was mad as hell.
“Then why was the bitch at my house!”
“What’s really going on here? You’re pulling at straws, trying to piss me off and make me leave. Hell, even coming here was a fucking set up. You're scared because of what happened the other night, and you’re layering on shit to hide it. Why don’t you tell the doctor what’s really going on because I’m not fucking leaving!” Crank turned to the Kayla.
“Did she tell you what happened the other night? Did she tell you when I was kissing her, she panicked and pushed me away? That she’s still pushing me away?
“Fuck, babe,” Crank said looking at Cathy, “I told you then, and I’ll keep telling you. That shit doesn’t matter, we can go as fast or as slow
as you want. If you never feel comfortable doing that shit, we’ll deal with it. We’ll deal with it all—babies, wedding rings, all of it—but if you keep shutting me out, we’re never going to get anywhere.”
Cathy slumped down onto the couch. Crank wasn’t wrong. The other crap did bother her, but she was pretty much over it. She knew he had nothing to do with what Misty had done in their house or at the Clubhouse, but it was easier to talk about that shit than what was really on her mind. She still wasn’t whole, and she didn’t think she would ever be. How was that fair to him?
Kayla had been quiet up until that point. “Cathy, I think Crank is right, you’re trying to hide from what happened. Tell him what you’re feeling.”
Cathy looked at Crank and felt like shit. It wasn’t like her to act like a bitch, but that’s exactly what she was doing, lashing out. He had been so good the other night; when she panicked, he talked to her and held her close, telling her it was all going to be okay. It was after he left the doubts started creeping in, and she shut him out. She stopped talking and went back to the place she was before.
“You’re right,” she said, turning to him, “I’m scared. The other night, everything felt so good, then I shut my eyes, and it wasn’t you with me anymore, it was them. Them touching me, hurting me.”
“Babe, it was fine. Hell, I was trying to go too fast, I shouldn’t have pushed you down. That’s on me, not you.”
“No, that’s where you’re wrong, Crank, it is on me. Do you know I can’t even take a fucking shower? I go in the bathroom and freak the hell out.”
“Then ask me to go in there with you. I would do it, don’t you know that? I’ll guard the door babe, anything you need. You want me in the shower stall with you, I’m there, fully dressed if that’s what you need. You just have to ask.”
“I’ve changed, Crank, I’m not the same person. I don’t look the same. The scars. You just starting to look at me without guilt or pity, but once you see them…”
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