by C. Desir
Hailey came over beforehand to take pictures of the two of us. Because Mom was working and Hailey thought she’d want a memento of her only son dressed in a tux. Hailey grinned so wide when she saw me that my junk kicked into overdrive. God, I’d thought I’d gotten past this with her.
“You clean up exceptionally,” she said, and snapped a picture of me at the front door. “And you’re wearing the shoes with a tux. I approve.”
“Thanks. Did you want to come in?” I pulled the door open wide enough for Hailey to see it was okay. I’d cleaned the house. A little.
“That’s okay. It’s too nice out to go inside.”
I stepped onto the cement steps beside Hailey. The night was perfect. The prom-night dream weather. Warm and pungent and spring-like. Hailey’s presence beside me made me wish for too much, so I moved down the steps toward the sidewalk in the front of my house.
“When is the lovely Mariah arriving?” She walked up next to me and leaned in.
“The limo is picking her up and bringing her here at six. Then we have to go to her house for pictures.”
Hailey whistled. “Limo. Very fancy. Perfect for the girls around here. But pricey, huh?”
I’d known Hailey long enough to understand the subtext of her question. “Pricey. But Mom’s paying for it. She feels guilty about my deciding to go to Northwestern instead of Stanford.” Though I suspected she’d known it would play out that way all along.
Hailey nodded. “You’re still planning on living on campus though, right? Because I know you wanna be able to check in on your mom, but I think you’d really do well in the dorms.”
“So you’ve said. About a billion times since I got my acceptance letter.”
She squeezed my shoulder and I hated that I tingled still when she touched me. But at least I’d gotten used to it and usually I could keep the rest of me from reacting. I’d accepted being with Mariah and aching for Hailey and knowing I was with the “right girl” because I wasn’t the “right guy” for Hailey. I’d convinced myself of the whole thing over and over. Journaled about it through most of the spring. Embraced my want in the same way I’d embraced my misery at school after Pavel had left.
“How many things do you have left on your list now?”
I shrugged. We hadn’t talked much about our lists since she’d hugged me on Solstice. “Three or four.” Lie. I’d stalled out on my list, but I didn’t want to get into it with Hailey.
She waggled her eyebrows. “Prom night. Might knock out one of them in the limo.” She paused for a second. “Actually. Don’t. Don’t be that guy. The one who takes a girl’s virginity in a limo.”
I laughed. “Yeah. Not likely.”
She clicked another picture. “Nice smile. And yeah, I know you’re not that guy. I wouldn’t have stuck with you this long if you were that guy.”
“Glad you did,” I mumbled.
“You don’t have to mumble that kind of stuff to me, Kyle. We’re sort of past mumbling. And I know you’re glad. I’m glad too.”
It was painful being so close to her. The awkwardness between us so thick I could almost touch it. Especially in her silver glasses and sparkly, tight girl-band T-shirt, her hair down around her face. She was hotter to me than any girl could ever be. Even on prom night.
The moment between us was too long. Hailey stepped back and squinted up the street. “I think that’s your girl.”
◊ ◊ ◊
Prom was on a boat. Stupid. But I think the plan was to deter people from getting drunk beforehand or hooking up in the too-small bathrooms. Which didn’t work, at least in the bathroom I used. I hated dancing, and Mariah gave up on me after my third awkward attempt at swaying to a thumping hip-hop song. Elbows and bodies pressed against me, and I flushed with embarrassment at the number of couples making out on the dance floor. Mariah pouted and snipped at me that maybe I shouldn’t have asked her in the first place. It was unusually honest for her.
And made me realize maybe I shouldn’t have.
But that was asshole thinking, so I stuck to the slow dances and she danced with her friends during all the fast songs.
After the king and queen were crowned, our principal came up to the microphone and announced a special surprise from “one of our very own.” My mouth dropped open when Hailey took the stage with her guitar. Her eyes were darting all over the place, but I was sure she couldn’t see anything with the bright-colored lights.
She slung her guitar strap over her shoulder and leaned forward. I froze.
“So I got second place in this contest,” she said, her voice raspy and sure and so Hailey. “With the help of a friend. Last year. It was for covering a love song. Whatever, doesn’t matter. I probably would’ve gotten first if I’d done a different song. So yeah, here I am, trying again with a better song. I hope you like it.”
“Breakeven.” The song. One of the slightly newer ones I’d told her to sing for the contest forever ago, but she’d chosen “In Your Eyes” instead. When there was still Chaz. And not Mariah. The song that brought out all the best qualities in her voice and reminded me of every female singer whose singing had the power to crush me, from Janis Joplin to Nina Simone to Elle King. Hailey had that kind of a classic voice. Her face flashed uncertain for a second, and she peered out into the crowd. I inched forward. She blinked and adjusted the strap on her guitar.
Then there was nothing but her voice and her beautiful eyes and her shiny-with-spit mouth, and prom became almost perfect. Almost.
When she was done, she ditched her guitar and came down to me. Cut through all the mob, whose faces I was sure she couldn’t see, to get to me. Like she knew exactly where I’d be standing. She nodded at Mariah and made girl small talk that Hailey was really good at and Mariah wasn’t. I told her I’d liked her song.
Then too much uncomfortability wrapped itself around us. Me and Hailey and the girl I’d come to prom with but couldn’t for the life of me remember why.
I couldn’t stop staring at Hailey.
“So, Friend Kyle, how about you dance with me?”
Before I could say anything, she grabbed my arm and pulled me onto the dance floor. I was so grateful I wanted to kiss her. Because everything was perfect with Hailey. She made everything perfect. Mariah probably noticed. Maybe. Definitely. I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around Hailey and pulled her into me.
She breathed in deeply when she slipped her arms around my neck.
“Are you sniffing me?”
She grinned. “Yeah. I like the citrus. I’ve told you that, right? I thought it was your detergent, but you’re in a rented tux and still have the citrus. It’s just you.”
“My soap.”
I wanted to pour myself into her. Give her all of me and pretend that Mariah wasn’t standing on the edge of the dance floor waiting for me. That I wasn’t leaving for college in a few months. That Hailey didn’t have another year in high school. That things wouldn’t be different next year. Again.
“Yeah,” she said, and sighed. She pressed her face into my chest and I wondered if she heard my heart thumping. I heard it like a jackhammer, so she had to. But she tightened her arms and swayed closer to me.
For two minutes, it was her and me and warmth and bodies touching and everything I’d wanted since the moment she bumped into me outside of the radio station. I had so much to say. So much in me. All for her. God, we were so close.
“Prom’s almost over,” I finally choked out.
“Hmm . . .”
“Mariah’s going to the beach with some of her friends after. But I told her I didn’t want to go. Do you wanna get breakfast at Denny’s?”
She pulled back slightly and I slid my hands lower on her back. Her breath stopped and then started again. I noticed. She licked her lips and I bit the inside of my cheek because I wanted, wanted, wanted so much to kiss her. But Mariah and everything I needed to say was still between us.
“Okay. Denny’s. After prom. Go home and change and I’ll meet you th
ere.”
She raised her hand and smoothed her thumb over my cheek. Something a mom would do, but it didn’t feel like that. It felt like an invitation. I leaned closer, breathed the scent of us in, stared at her mouth, her eyes behind the silver glasses. Eyes that weren’t darting. Just studying my face.
Then the song was over, Hailey disappeared, and I was taking Mariah’s hand and sending her off with her friends. And she hugged me tight before she slipped in the car with them and whispered it was okay and that we didn’t have to be a thing because she was leaving and I was leaving. Mariah graciously gave me the out, which reminded me that she was the right and wrong girl for me all at once.
But I took it. And bolted home thinking about Hailey in her sparkly shirt and glasses and the possibility of a summer of me and Hailey. My body still tense and lit up from the dance in a ridiculous way. My heart pounded and the pool at the bottom of my gut worked itself around my system. A shot of adrenaline and lust and anticipation.
◊ ◊ ◊
Then I walked into our house. Mom on the couch, sobbing. Letters in her hands. Letters from my dad that she’d kept for too long. Strewn everywhere I could see. I moved forward, forced Hailey out of my head, and wrapped Mom’s thin frame in my arms.
“Why are you doing this? Why did you get these out?” I asked.
“I miss him so much, Kyle. You can’t understand. It’s like a piece of me is gone and every morning I wake up and hope it’ll be back in place. But it never is. It never is. And it takes everything I have to keep going.”
“I know.”
“I’m so tired. I hate that I feel so tired all the time.”
“He was an asshole, Mom. He cheated on you. Disappeared over and over. Bailed on everything that was important to us all the time.”
Sobs wracked her body. She sniffled into my tux shirt. “Why wasn’t I enough for him? I didn’t care about the cheating. He came back. He always came back.”
Something inside of me snapped. Exhaustion and anger and all the emotions of the night rolled up into a ball of venom in my stomach.
“Yeah. Well, he didn’t come back the last time.”
“Why? I needed him. Need him still. Why would he leave us?”
I could not listen anymore. “Because I fucking told him not to come back.”
Her mouth dropped open. “What?”
I raked my fingers through my hair. Pulled at it. “I told him to go. I told him never to come back.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That last time, when he showed up after being AWOL for four fucking days, I stood at the front door and wouldn’t let him in until he promised to pack up his shit and leave for good.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did. I told him to go away forever.”
“You were ten,” she cried.
“And he was an asshole. He would have been an asshole when I was thirteen, fifteen, seventeen. It didn’t matter. I told him he was ruining you and destroying our family.”
“How could you?”
Accusation and fury lashed out at me. She pushed me away, curled deeper back into the couch. I leaned closer, but she shrank back. Like I was going to go after her. For a second, I realized her flinch was exactly how I must’ve looked every time some random asshole at school got the notion in his head to beat the crap out of me. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair what she did to me when she yelled. What she did to me when she shut down. Tonight was going to be my night to talk to Hailey. Finally. I shouldn’t have had to deal with this.
“Did you know I’ve never picked a fight with anyone, Mom? You’d know this if you asked about where my black eyes came from instead of making me feel like shit.”
Mom blinked.
“I’ve come home after being jumped, having the shit kicked out of me, only to have you do it again!”
I’d snapped. And was being a fucking drama queen. But my night had been perfect and in less than five minutes it had gone to hell.
Talk to Mom about Dad was on my list, but not like this. And definitely not now with her past all over the room, scribbled on old letters.
“It’s not fair for you to come down on me when I get straight fucking As on my report cards! When I’m such a good student they’ve sent me to the college for half days!”
Mom blinked again and again but said nothing.
“And I come home and let you berate me. Tell me I’m shit, and I’m terrified that if I ever talk back to you, ever try to explain, you’ll hole up like you’ve been doing for a month! It’s not fucking fair!”
It wasn’t fair that I’d let Mariah go. It wasn’t fair that Hailey had such a hold on my heart when I had so much to sort through first. I was worthless to both of them. To everyone, really.
Hailey had deserved better from the beginning, and when Mom broke out into keening sobs, I shut down.
I’d said the exact wrong thing at the exact wrong time. I’d held on to too many things for too long and they’d all come out in the worst possible way.
Mom jerked as she sobbed into her hands, and I watched. I couldn’t even begin to know how to comfort her or even if I should.
I couldn’t have Hailey. Couldn’t have anything. I didn’t deserve it. I’d destroyed my mom’s life and ultimately my own. Tears wet my face, and I ran to my room and grabbed all the journals from my drawer. Years of “poor me” and pages of “I wish I could have Hailey.” I shredded them. Pulling page after page out, ripping piece after piece until nothing was left of my sad, pathetic existence but the undeniable will to disappear altogether.
My arms ached. Mom’s sobs had faded. I grabbed my phone from my tux pocket.
Kyle: Can’t make it. Sorry.
Hailey might not forgive me for this one, and it was probably better that way. I’d screwed up everything.
Chapter Thirty: Hailey
I was pissed because Denny’s wasn’t a fun place to be at 2 a.m. Okay, so that was only half the reason I was pissed. My hands shook. Shook.
Did Kyle realize how hard it had been to pick him out of a sea of guys in black tuxes? I mean, there was no way for me not to walk directly toward him ’cause I’d have lost him in the crowd. And then we’d danced, and everything between us had finally fallen into place. His hands were nothing like a friend’s hands on me.
I knew we weren’t exactly there yet. I had more to work on. Things to make up to him, make me better, more deserving, but I did deserve better than this.
At least two times for sure since Solstice, Kyle had had the words right on the tip of his tongue. I’m interested in you, Hailey. But he’d never let them out. Like there’d been two really good opportunities for him to kiss me, and he hadn’t taken them. I understood the almost-kiss on the prom boat, because only a jackhole kisses a girl who isn’t his date.
So I guess I had to give him props for that.
But he apparently didn’t mind being a jackhole to me, leaving me alone at fucking Denny’s.
The minutes slid by, each one scraping into me until too many hours of minutes had gone by for me to sit in the vinyl booth, which was making my ass itch from the heat. And then the text came.
Kyle: Can’t make it. Sorry.
Kyle fucking bailed on me. Friend–turned–Maybe-More-Than-Friend Kyle left me at Denny’s to deal with the after-bar-closing crowd, feeling like an idiot. I stomped too loud on my way to the door and started home by myself because apparently even nice guys are assholes.
I hated him even more for making me think that maybe, maybe a good guy would put up with my shit, and my eyes, and he . . . blew it.
The dark made it harder to see, and I knew I’d have to visit my eye doctor again. For him to tell me more about pressure and the finer points of my eyesight I’d tried to ignore since I was a kid. Fucking Kyle. It was fucking dark. And then I stopped at a stop sign because I had three more blocks to get home, and I knew the streetlight was out at one, and I did the unthinkable and called the moms to rescue me.<
br />
I was equal amounts pissed and heart-stomped-on. And I had no idea where Kyle and I stood. Again. So I went and found him at school the Monday after prom. Where I knew he’d be. In front of the radio station soundboard.
Leaning against the doorjamb to the studio, I folded my arms. “So.”
His head snapped in my direction, his eyes sunken and shadowed with darkness. “I know I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
What did I do with that?
He pressed a thumb drive together and inserted another one into the computer, furiously tapping the keys and sliding levers on the board.
Every part of the guy who’d held me at prom had morphed into . . . into whatever he was in this moment. A better friend would have sat next to him and begged for insight. Put their arms around him. But I’d been hurt by Kyle. Twice now. I’d pulled him under my wing and tried to help him be better.
God. Who the hell was I to make anyone better? I’d have made out with him on the dance floor, not even thinking about the girlfriend on the sidelines. I’d pushed and nagged at him like his mom had. It was stupid that I was even there.
“Okay, then.” And I stepped back.
Kyle stood and started toward me, defeat lining his features. Whatever moment had tugged us together on that boat had passed. “Sorry,” he whispered, but it was a thin “sorry.” The word that he knew he should say with none of the feeling to go with it.
He made me feel too much. Care too much. Want too much.
“You know where to find me,” I said before I walked out.
◊ ◊ ◊
After our nonconfrontation, I made sure I didn’t see Kyle. It wasn’t all that hard with only a few weeks left in school and him half on the college campus already. Mariah gave me a dirty look when I saw her in the hall, so I guessed they’d broken up, but I didn’t know for sure, and wasn’t going to check.
I didn’t totally ignore the fact that Kyle graduated. I sent him an email, because as much as I wanted to walk away from him, I couldn’t. And maybe I was going to sound pushy and forceful and exactly how I’d promised myself I wouldn’t act around Kyle, but after he bailed on me, I didn’t much care.