Love Blind

by C. Desir

  “Wow, Pavel. That’s fucking awesome. All of it. So tell me, what’s been going on?”

  “I have had Tinder success. I have been on thirteen dates and three times have given girls orgasm from oral pleasure.”

  I gaped. “No. Way.”

  “Yes. And one time a girl almost touched my penis. But then she stopped.”

  “Wait, so basically, you’re making all these girls come and no one’s even touched your junk yet?”

  He jumped on the bed again. “They will want to touch my junk if I keep up with the oral pleasure. Cosmopolitan assures me of this. And I think I have a good Tinder reputation as a lover, because I am receiving referrals.”

  I laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes. Pavel was somehow getting a Tinder reputation because of his sex skills. Jesus. This guy. “Well, I think this is great news. But don’t feel like you only have to be the one giving. Sex should go both ways.”

  He raised his eyebrows. “And you know this how? Do you read Cosmopolitan? Are you giving anyone oral pleasure?”

  No. Of course not. Because the girl I wanted, the only girl I’d ever wanted, was apparently gay.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  Even with Pavel as a roommate, I went home every weekend. Sometimes Mom was working. Sometimes she wasn’t. She wasn’t curled up on the couch as much, though, so I assumed something had been adjusted with her meds. Maybe her doctor wasn’t prescribing emergency anxiety stuff anymore and had her on something more stabilizing.

  One Saturday when I got off the train, she was waiting for me. A cup of coffee steaming in her bony fingers.

  “You were ten when your dad left,” she said before I could even open my mouth.

  “I was.”

  “He didn’t have to listen to a ten-year-old.”

  I nodded.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me you had that conversation with him?” The whimper in her voice was almost lost in the wind.

  “I thought you’d be happier. After the divorce. I thought it’d be better for us. But it wasn’t. You didn’t get better. You got worse. And it was my fault. At least partially.”

  “He would have left anyway.” Her hands shook, and a drip of coffee splashed onto the ground.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry, Kyle.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat. She couldn’t possibly understand all that she’d cost me. But it wasn’t her fault either. In the end, it was both of us.

  “I’m sorry too, Mom.”

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  Pavel talked all the fricking time. It was like his years with his sisters had taken the stoic Russian out of him and turned him into this tween girl who constantly had something to say. Late at night, I’d be exhausted from studying and he’d be back from another Tinder success with still-perfect hair and would start in with endless questions about the world. Then finally, finally, after midnight one night, he mentioned what had happened our freshman year.

  “These are the things that carve us into the people we are, Kyle,” he said as we both sat reading on our beds. “To me, this horror has led to all the good things. It led me to Zig Ziglar. And Tinder. And school with you. I can’t find regret in that.”

  It was too late. I was too tired. And lonely for my friend who was a girl. Would I go to her when I finished my list? I wasn’t sure. Wasn’t sure I had it in me to be turned away from her, even just as a friend.

  “Well, then, you’re lucky, Pavel. Because my life is plagued with regrets. Every single one of them punctuated by a list folded in the back of my desk. A list of things I haven’t done. Things I’ll never do.”

  “You are missing your great love.”

  I shook my head in denial, but the lie hurt too much.

  “Yes. This is your problem. You have not seen her, then? Even when you’ve returned to visit your mom? And the grand gesture failed?”

  “Yes. It failed. I dropped the ball with her. She’s dating someone new. A girl, I think.”

  Pavel sat up quickly. “And you waited until now to tell me this? I told you about oral pleasure and you kept this information from me?”

  I shrugged.

  “You’re angry at her?”

  Yes. “No.”

  He nodded. “You are angry. You know what resentment is, Kyle?”

  “I have no doubt you’re about to tell me.”

  He moved to the edge of his bed and dropped his elbows to his knees. “Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

  I barked out a laugh. “Did you read that on a fortune cookie?”

  He stared at me. “I can’t remember. But it’s good sense. You should go talk to Hailey. She’s your great love. Even if you can never have her, she is a good friend for you. You can’t only have me. Soon the ladies will grow interested in me for more than twenty minutes of oral pleasure and you’ll be alone again.”

  The thing was, he was probably right. Pavel was sort of a dream guy. And as soon as girls got over his paradoxical optimism and stopped using him for his mad tongue game, one of them would snatch him up in a heartbeat. And I would be alone again.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  Two weeks later, I pulled out my list of fears and drew a red line through number five. Then before I could think better of it, I emailed Hailey.

  Wednesday, November 3. 6pm. 89.3 FM.

  Chapter Thirty-Four: Hailey

  We didn’t have a radio. Rox was too picky about music to trust any deejay to put on good selections, and honestly, who had a real radio anymore? I had two options: sit in the moms’ car, or use my computer. I settled for the car, since even my laptop, with its ability to make everything huge, still hurt my eyes.

  I knew he’d done it. Or at least I knew I was going to be pissed if he hadn’t. If this was a lure for something stupid, like for someone making commentary on my “girl band,” he was going to get a visit. If he had done it, if he had actually used his brains and his voice, he’d also probably get a visit, only I’d tackle him in a hug.

  How close was Kyle to finishing his list? He had to be on the final few things.

  I turned on the radio after dinner and reclined in the driver’s seat, resting my hands on the steering wheel. It was the first time I’d ever sat on this side of the car. I screamed when Kyle’s voice came on.

  “We’re going to take a break from the indie scene to play some of the classics. We’re kicking it off with the seventies and a little Janis Joplin, because she reminds me of a girl I know who I really hope is listening tonight.”

  I couldn’t listen to the song. My hands covered my mouth and tears ran down my face.

  Rox opened the passenger-side door. “What on earth are you doing out here?”

  I pointed to the radio. “He did it. Kyle did it. Crossed something big off his list.”

  Rox sat next to me, her eyes not leaving mine. “You miss him, don’t you?”

  I nodded. God, I missed him. It pulled at my chest, and I was crying over hearing his voice on the radio. Pathetic.

  “Why don’t you go up this weekend and give him a visit?” Her hand rested on my shoulder.

  “You’d let me?”

  Rox shrugged. “Double-check which train you’re on before it leaves. It’s not too far.”

  “Yeah.” I nodded. “Maybe I will.”

  Rox and I listened to all three hours of Kyle on the campus station. He’d done it. He’d actually done it. And maybe it was occasionally halting and a little uneven, but it didn’t matter because it felt like everything. Or at the very least, it felt like the apology I deserved.

  Kyle—

  You were awesome. I would love to tell you I’m proud, but it would make me sound like the moms. But holy shit, you did it. I’m proud of you. I’m coming up this weekend to see you. If you’d like to tell me which dorm room you’re in, it might save me a lot of trouble. Don’t pick me up. I’ll find you. That way I can cross something off my list, because big, new places really suck when you can’t
see. I figure worst-case scenario is that I’ll have to call you from campus, but I won’t know where I am and you’ll have to come looking for me. That could be an interesting adventure on its own. Hope this is acceptable.

  I’m coming. See you in a few days, Friend Kyle.

  Hailey

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  I walked to Lila’s studio with the old playlist Kyle made me blasting in my ears. From Nirvana to 3 Doors Down to Milky Chance, and then a jump back in time to Dylan and Marley. It made me think of when Kyle and I first met, and I was with Chaz, and the whole thing was such an unbelievable mess.

  It also hit me how much I’d grown up since then. I was in my last year of high school and ready for something big. Something huge. Life-altering. More than crossing stuff off my list.

  “There you are.” Annalise smiled as I stepped inside, purple hair now.

  Annalise and I weren’t exactly going out, but we did spend time together, and we did a bit of kissing with that time. Most important, she wasn’t an asshole, and gave me an excuse to say no to the occasional guy who asked me out in school.

  We’d spent days at the Art Institute and the Field Museum and had even gone on a stupid tourist boat to see the city from the lake.

  “Hey.” I pulled out my earbuds and felt . . . different. Like I was almost where I was supposed to be, but hadn’t quite gotten there yet.

  It wasn’t the studio. It wasn’t my perfectly worn jeans and favorite boots. Rox had braided my hair up in some crazy design, but it wasn’t that. Something was off.

  Annalise’s arms came around me, but I hadn’t even realized she’d come so close. I hugged her tightly and breathed in, hoping to relax again.

  Sweaty yoga wear hit my nose, and I pulled away. Weird. I never minded it when Kyle was off his bike and kind of ripe. Kyle. His playlist echoed in my ears. This was . . . not right. Not for me.

  She stepped back, her brows down. “What’s going on?”

  I couldn’t look at her. Everything was off. Tilted. “I don’t know.”

  There was suddenly no air.

  I turned and sprinted for the door, then stood outside breathing in deeply.

  Annalise stepped out behind me.

  She kissed my shoulder through my sweater, and my body stiffened.

  “Realization dawns.” Annalise touched my cheek.

  “What are you talking about?” I finally turned to face her.

  “You. And me.” She shook her head. “It’s okay, Hailey. You told me you weren’t sure, and I thought you were worth the risk.”

  I felt like complete shit. I’d hurt Annalise because I couldn’t make up my mind. Because I’d wanted to try something different. I pulled a Kyle move and shoved my hands in my pockets. “I wasn’t worth it. I’m sorry.”

  She laughed. “It was worth it, Hailey. It’s always worth it when you give a shit about someone.”

  I swallowed, wondering if this was how painful having a normal conversation was for Kyle. Or if it was how it used to be for him and he’d grown out of it.

  “Tell you what. I might use that guilt I see plastered all over your face if I need to make someone jealous sometime, okay?” She sounded hurt but okay. And her smile. She was still smiling at me. I wondered if her eyes were watering up, but I couldn’t see well enough to tell.

  “For that, I’m your girl.”

  We stood in awkward silence for a few moments on the sidewalk in the biting fall wind.

  “Well. I’ll see you around.” Annalise wrapped her arms around herself and stepped back inside.

  And that was that. Not bad as far as breakups go. Beat the shit out of jumping off Chaz and standing in that dirty greenroom with a million obvious realizations hitting me at once. Splitting from Annalise was also better than any of the times Kyle and I had drifted apart.

  So I could check girls off as not a good option for me. Assholes were off, but they weren’t always easy to recognize. I felt better, though, as I walked home. Not because Annalise and I were split, if we were ever really together, but because I felt like I was a step closer to filling that awkward nothing that clawed its way into my chest once in a while.

  Happier. Lighter. Even those words made me sound way too much like the moms.

  ◊ ◊ ◊

  Kyle said in his email that they were on the fourth floor. That Pavel was his roommate—I knew there had to be a story behind that one—and I’d know their room by the sign on the door. Yes, he’d assured me, even I’d be able to see it.

  A large white poster reading WELCOME, LADIES in huge block lettering was plastered on the third door on the right.

  I laughed, because yeah. No way it wasn’t the right room. I thought about barging in, and then thought about all the things single guys might be doing in their dorm room and knocked instead.

  “Hailey!” Pavel’s smile lit his face as he jerked open the door. “So good to see you!”

  He kissed me on each cheek, then pulled me into a tight hug as Kyle smiled at me from his side of the room. Pavel’s hands slid lower on my back, and then lower again until his fingertips brushed the skin between my T-shirt and my jeans.

  “Pavel.” I laughed as I pushed him away. “I don’t think you should feel me up in front of Kyle.”

  He shrugged. “But it was nice? That soft spot of skin?”

  “Yes.” I nodded. “But only at the end of a date, okay? And only if she’s hugging you back.”

  “That’s an excellent tip. Tinder ladies are less discerning than you. I think I’m ready for real dating soon.”

  “Tinder ladies?”

  “Yes, I have a good reputation for oral pleasure.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I teased. “How do you know?”

  “I’ve heard from other Tinder ladies. And on Yik Yak. Almost all satisfied customers.”

  “This might be TMI, Pavel.” And really, it was me avoiding talking to Kyle. Seeing Kyle. Even my small glimpse showed someone who looked more like a man than I expected.

  “You will let me know if you hear anything not good about me? They shut my Yik Yak account down because they suspected me of being a troll.”

  “I’m not really on Yik Yak. It’s for assholes.” I’d evidently missed a lot on the Pavel front. “But good for you to be batting a thousand over there.”

  “Tell me if you’re interested in me working the magic on you.” Even I could see Pavel’s eyebrows dancing—the guy had changed a lot.

  “Get out.” Kyle shoved him from behind.

  Pavel left, laughing, and then the door closed.

  And there I stood. In front of Kyle. In his dorm room.

  “Holy shit, Kyle. It’s been too long.” I threw my arms around him, pressing my face into his chest, and he grabbed me back, almost knocking my glasses off.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey? Hey? I took the train and wandered a new campus—I’m totally crossing that off my list, by the way—and I get a ‘hey’?” I stood back to try and make out the changes in him.

  He smiled that perfect Kyle smile, but only glanced at the ground for a quick second before putting his eyes back on me. Better. Kyle had grown up a lot and it suited him. Broader. His hair the perfect too-long black that I remembered.

  “You were a brilliant deejay, by the way. The moms downloaded some new app so they can listen to your show. This is high praise from Rox, who doesn’t let anyone pick her music.”

  “Crossed one off the list.” He shrugged.

  We stood in silence for a moment, and I almost started to panic that we weren’t going to be the same. “The moms miss you too,” I said to fill the silence.

  His eyes darted around, almost confused. “I—”

  I interrupted, needing us to be normal again. “So, which bed is yours?”

  Kyle pointed and I jumped on. “Wow. Kyle. All grown up and gone to college. I’m proud.”

  “And you and . . . um . . . the girl, with the hair?” He gestured in circles, like his hands would somehow help him find the w
ords. We were definitely still Hailey and Kyle, and I started to let myself really relax on Kyle’s bed.

  “Annalise? How do you even know about her?”

  “I . . . saw you two, after your big show before Physicality.”

  “You came to my show and didn’t say hi? What the hell? We’re supposed to be friends.” I hated it when Kyle backed away from me like that. Didn’t say what he’d wanted to say or didn’t do whatever it was he’d wanted to do when he came that night. He hadn’t just ended up at my concert without a purpose.

  He shrugged and blushed.

  “Geez, Kyle. We’re way past the not-talking bullshit.”

  “You were busy. With the girl.” His hands stuffed in his pockets.

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “She was my first girl kiss. She was a great kisser. It’s kind of too bad I’m not a lesbian.”

  He sat on the far corner of the bed. “But you . . .”

  “All in my endeavor to stay away from assholes, Kyle. It’s a good goal, and one I’m determined to stick to. But it’s not going to happen with girls. At least now I know for sure.” I was both sad and relieved about that. Mixed, I guessed, as most things had started to be.

  “Oh.”

  I was dying to see his face better, to understand a little more the confusion in his voice, but on the opposite side of the bed, he was too far away.

  “What else have you been up to?” he asked.

  And that simple question was the jumping-off point for us. Finally.

  “Well, Mira’s back, not returning to Culver, but she’s gone pinup girl and wants us to play rockabilly. Not the worst choice, but it’s hardly what we’re about.” I elbowed him. “And you apparently saw me kissing Annalise, so that’s kind of been who I’ve hung out with lately. I saw more paintings, went to the Field Museum, and holy shit, I can’t believe that dinosaur. I’m doing this killer independent study on stringed instruments, so I’m stumbling through the mandolin right now. What about you?”

  “Well, there’s college. Which is okay. Pretty easy after high school. The station is good.” Then there was this long pause, as if “the station is good” held enough layers to warrant the next part of our conversation. “And Pavel has a reputation on Tinder.”