by Perry, J L
As the night wore on, she regressed further into herself. It worried me. Of course she’d be tired and emotional after everything that happened, but on the way to the car park, Brooke even voiced her concerns.
I wanted to stay with her, but the nurses would not allow it. Apparently, that’s the rules in ICU. Stupid fucking rules if you ask me. She shouldn’t be left alone at a time like this.
••••
I was back at the hospital by 7:00 a.m. I thought about bringing her flowers, even though I’ll admit I’m not that type of guy, but for her I would be. I’d be anything she wanted me to be. Funny how love fucks you over like that.
Remembering back to the day when we first said we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I told her candy and flowers weren’t my thing. She told me flowers were overrated. “They die within a few days. Give me a potted plant any day, then you can enjoy it forever,” were her words. So, that’s what I did. I stopped off at a nursery and got her a plant.
White daisies. Don’t ask me why I picked them out of all the ones on offer, but they stood out for some reason. “I love daisies,” the lady at the checkout said. “Are they for someone special?”
“My girlfriend. She’s in the hospital.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. You chose well then. Daisies symbolise innocence, purity and love.” Her words bring a smile to my face. My sweet-cheeks is all that and so much more.
I’m glad I brought Pops’ truck today. It would’ve been hard to ride with these on my bike. I placed the plant on the front seat beside me, pulling the letter I wrote her last night out of my pocket, sliding it into the bow that’s tied around the pot.
I couldn’t sleep when I got home. My mind was in overdrive. Not only was I worried about her, I was worried about us. Things have been strained between us for days now. There’s so much I want to say to her.
I’ve never really been good with expressing my feelings, especially verbally. So, last night I wrote everything down on paper. Poured my fucking heart out I did. Again that’s not something I ever thought I’d do, but I needed her to know how I really feel. Losing her over this isn’t an option I want to face. Fucking ever! Together we’ve already lost enough.
••••
When I walk into her room, I smile when I see her sitting up in bed gazing out the window. Maybe a good night’s sleep has helped. I missed not having her in my arms last night.
She appears to be lost in thought, and doesn’t notice I’ve entered. “Morning,” I say as I approach the bed.
Her head turns in my direction. I’m hoping to see her face light up, like it usually does when she sees me. I can’t describe the disappointment I feel when it doesn’t. She has the same look she had when I left her last night—broken.
Her eyes move down to the plant in my hand. “You bought me flowers? I thought you said you weren’t a flowers type of guy.”
“I’m not. For you though, I’d be anything.” Her eyes meet mine, but her face is expressionless.
“I remember you said flowers were overrated, so I bought you a potted plant instead.” Her lips turn up in the briefest smile, but it fades just as quickly as it came.
“Thank you,” she whispers when I pass it to her. I lean down and place my lips on hers. It’s only a peck, but I’m grateful she doesn’t turn away.
“How are you feeling today?” She shrugs, but doesn’t answer. I watch as she stares down into the flowers seated on her lap. When tears rise to her eyes, her head turns away from me. She looks out the window again. My heart hurts for her. I wish I had the words to comfort her. Somehow, I don’t think words would be enough.
I take the flowers from her, placing them on the bedside table. “Come here,” I say, pulling her into my arms. She lets me hold her while she softly cries. I have to fight to hold my tears in.
••••
Her parents turned up around 8:00 a.m. Brooke was lovely. Logan didn’t say much. I kind of expected that. Thankfully, he had the tact not to start anything in front of Angel. Her breakfast arrived before her parents got here, but she wouldn’t eat any of it. Her mum brought some things in for her as well, same thing.
Lunch arrived and again nothing. I even tried to spoon-feed her, but she wouldn’t have a bar of it. As the day wore on, so did my anxiety. I could also tell her parents were worried about her. Everything is so fresh, I hope as the days and weeks progress, so does she.
The three of us stayed until the nurses kicked us out later that night. We were lucky to get a handful of words out of her the whole day. Most of the time she slept, or pretended to sleep. I’m not sure. We all got the feeling she didn’t really want us there.
••••
Three more days pass before she’s released from the hospital. Not much has changed in that time. I finally got to meet her brother, CJ. He turned up yesterday. Apparently he’d been out of state with his band, but flew here as soon as he could. I like him. He seems pretty cool.
The four of us travel with her back to the house. Things still aren’t good between us. She lets me peck her hello and goodbye. She even let me hold her hand in the car on the way home, but that’s about it. Fuck I miss her. It’s a strange feeling. She’s right here in front of me, but I feel like she’s a million miles away.
When we arrive back at the house, we all notice her hesitate before walking inside. When she does, her eyes went straight to the floor where I’d found her after she fell. She stares at the spot for a few seconds, before hurrying away and making a beeline for her bedroom.
Thankfully her mum must’ve cleaned up the pool of blood that was left behind when the paramedics lifted her onto the stretcher. That would’ve made this moment so much worse.
Stepping forward, I go to follow her. Brooke grabs my hand. “Let me,” she says.
“Okay,” I reply. I’m kind of grateful. As much as I want to go to her, I’m unsure of what to say. I’ve tried everything the past few days; nothing seems to help. Brooke’s not only female, she’s her mum. She may have the words to help. The ones I can’t seem to find.
Walking out onto the back deck, I place the daisies I bought in a sunny spot. The letter I wrote is missing, but I have no idea if she’s read it.
“Wanna beer?” CJ asks from behind me. Turning around, I take the one he’s holding out to me.
“Sure, why not. Thanks.” After the last few days I’ve had, I could fucking use a drink.
••••
Angel
I want to be any place but here. As much as I hate hospitals, I’d even go back there if I could. My home, the one that was once my sanctuary, is no more. I don’t want to be reminded of what happened every time I walk in that room. Reminding me of what I’ve lost.
I’m empty inside. I hate Riley for what he’s done. I’ve never hated anyone before in my life, but I do now. I hate him with a vengeance. I wish he was the one who was dead, instead of my baby. I wish I never stopped Chase from beating the life out of him the night he attacked me. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it, because that’s exactly how I feel.
There’s a knock on my door. I don’t even bother to look up when it opens. I don’t want to talk or see anyone. “Can I come in, baby?” I hear my mum ask.
I’m kind of glad it’s not Chase. My feelings for him haven’t changed, not one bit. I still love him with everything I have. I’m just not capable of giving him what he needs right now. I feel horrible for the way I’ve been with him, but I can’t help it.
“Can I get you anything?” she asks, sitting down beside me on the edge of the bed.
“No, thanks.”
“I’d love it if you’d eat something. I’ll make your favourite pasta dish.”
“No, thanks.” I hear her sigh. Nobody understands what I’m going through right now.
“I know things are hard, sweetie, but not eating isn’t going to help. You need to keep your strength up.”
“I don’t care about my strength,” I whisper.
&
nbsp; “You may not care, but I do. I can’t sit by and watch you fade away. I’m sorry, but as your mother I can’t do that.”
“I just want to be left alone.”
“Well that’s not going to happen either. You’ve got three people out there, as well as me, who love you. We want to be here for you, to help you through this.”
“Nobody can help me. Nobody knows what I’m feeling right now.”
“I do.”
“No you don’t. Not really.”
“I bet I do. I’ve been where you are. I lost a baby many years ago.”
“You did?” Another family secret I knew nothing about. I wonder what else they’re keeping from me.
“I did. My situation was very similar to yours.”
“How?”
“Well, it was when I was married to Chase’s father. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. The night I lost the baby was the same night I found out he was having an affair with Chase’s mother.”
“Did he do something to make you lose the baby?”
“No. It was nothing like that. I actually had an ectopic pregnancy. I collapsed. I was haemorrhaging, just like you were. It was your dad who found me and took me to the hospital. He saved my life.”
“Wow.”
“In some ways it was the best and worst day of my life. I lost a baby I never got to hold or love the way I love you and CJ, but I got to meet your dad. For that I’ll be forever thankful.” Her hand reaches for mine. “I do know what you’re going through, sweetie. I also know it’s something you’ll never forget, but I promise you with time it will get easier.”
“I just feel so empty. One minute I had a life growing inside me, the next minute it was gone. I have nothing. No proof my baby even existed.”
My mum stands and makes her way to my dresser. “Your baby will always be alive in your heart,” she says, “but I do have this. I found it in the pocket of your jeans when I brought your clothes home from the hospital.”
Walking back towards me, she passes me the screenshot the doctor gave me from my ultrasound. I take it from her and clutch it against my chest. It’s not much, but it’s something. Looking down at it, tears burn my eyes.
“Oh baby,” she says, wrapping me in her arms. “I’m so sorry this happened to you.” When I hear her sniffle, I know she’s crying too.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Chase
Angel doesn’t come out of her room for the rest of the day. Brooke invites me to stay for dinner, but I decline. I don’t feel comfortable around Logan. Plus, I need to go home and check on Pops.
“Is it okay if I go and say goodbye to her before I leave?” I ask.
“Of course.”
After knocking on her bedroom door, I wait for an answer. It never comes. I decide to open it and go in regardless. I can’t stand the silent treatment she’s giving me. I fucking miss her; miss everything we shared. She’s not the only one suffering here. It was my baby too. I need her. I’m aching for her touch, anything.
Walking into her room, I find her asleep on the bed. She’s curled up in the foetal position. She looks so frail. I’d give anything to lay down beside her and wrap her in my arms.
Grabbing the blanket at the end of the bed, I cover her before sitting down beside her. I sit there for the longest time just staring at her. Even after all this time, her beauty still takes my breath away.
“I miss you, sweet-cheeks,” I whisper as I gently brush her hair back from her face. “Please hurry up and come back to me. I’m lost without you.” Leaning forward, I place my lips on her cheek. “I love you so much.”
••••
When I wake at my place the next morning, I get a shock to find Becca, the nurse from the hospital, cooking breakfast in my kitchen. She’s dressed in one of Pops’ Flaming Skulls T-shirts, that’s it. “I didn’t realise nurses made house calls now,” I say, trying to hide my smile as I walk over to grab a mug out of the cupboard.
“Oh hi,” she says, turning bright red. “It’s Chase isn’t it?”
“Yes. And you’re Becca right?”
“Yes. Yes I am. I called over last night to…ummm check on your father.”
“And you’re still here? I hope he’s paying you overtime,” I reply, trying hard not to laugh when her face goes even redder. I’m not bothered in the slightest that she’s here. It actually makes me happy. Pops deserves a good woman in his life.
“Leave her alone you stirrin’ little fuck,” Pops says walking into the room. I chuckle. I watch as he walks over and slaps Becca on the arse, making her jump. When she turns to smile at him, he plants a kiss on her lips. It makes me smile. At least one of us is getting action.
Making myself a coffee, I sit down at the table. “Is bacon and eggs okay for you, Chase?” Becca asks.
“Great, thanks.” I feel a pang in my heart. The last woman to cook me breakfast here, was sweet-cheeks. I hardly slept at all last night, thinking about her. Worrying about us.
“Ya goin’ to see sweet-thing today?” Pops asks.
“Yeah.”
“Max told me what happened. I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Thanks, Becca.”
“How’s she goin’? Any improvement?” Pops asks.
“Nah. Yesterday she was still the same. I’m hoping today she’ll be better.”
“Hang in there, boy. She just needs some time. Ya know what fuckin’ women are like.” I chuckle when I see Becca turn around and give Pops the stink eye. I like her.
••••
Things aren’t much better today. Actually there’s no change at all. I spent the better part of the day at her place, but didn’t get to see her. Her mum tried to get her to come out of her room, but she wouldn’t.
Frustrated, I decided to go home. I did try to see her, but her bedroom door was locked. I knocked and she answered, “Yes.”
“It’s me. I just wanted to say goodbye before I left.”
“Okay, bye,” she replies. That’s it. She doesn’t open the door, or say anything else. I’m hurt and fucking angry as I stomp down the hall. I don’t even say goodbye to her family.
“Chase wait,” CJ calls out as I head towards my bike. I stop and turn around to face him. “You wanna go get a drink or something?”
What I really want to do is punch something or scream out at the top of my lungs. I fucking hate what’s become of us. “Yeah, I’d like that,” I exhale, defeated. Alcohol might just be what I need.
“Cool. Leave your bike here. I’ll get mum to drop us off. We can catch a cab home.”
••••
That’s where I’m at now. At a pub with Angel’s brother, drowning my fucking sorrows. I really like him. Meeting him is the only good thing that’s come out of this whole fucked up situation. He’s a cool guy.
The girls have been hanging around us all night, but I’m grateful he keeps telling them to fuck off. As hurt as I am with her right now, I’d never do anything to jeopardise what Angel and I have, or had maybe a better word.
“I’m gonna take a piss,” CJ says, rising from the table. While he’s gone, I pull out my phone. I want to call her. I need to hear her voice, but I know she won’t answer. I decide to send her a text instead.
I fucking miss you sweet-cheeks, miss us. I love you so much. Please stop shutting me out. x
I feel like a pussy begging her like that, but I’m fucking desperate. I want things to be the way they used to be.
CJ takes forever to come back to the table. I’m almost tempted to go looking for him, but then I see him approach. “I was worried you’d fallen in,” I chuckle when he sits back down.
“I fell in something, but it wasn’t a fucking toilet,” he laughs.
“What? That’s real fucking nice. You leave me sitting here while you go score a piece of arse.” Just as I say that, a hot blonde with huge fake tits walks past our table and winks at him.
He gives her the nod before turning his attention back to me. “Fuck off. If you were
n’t dating my sister, I’m sure you would’ve done the same thing. She offered it up. It would’ve been ungentlemanly of me to refuse her.” We both crack up at his comment. Fucker. Half his luck. I have a feeling it’s going to be a while before I see any action again.
••••
A few hours later, the cab pulls up outside Angel’s place. It’s safe to say we’re both pretty fucked up. I can’t remember the last time I was this drunk. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to ride home in this condition, not that I’d even attempt it.
“Fuck,” I say when the taxi drives off.
“What?”
“I should’ve got him to take me home. I can’t ride like this, I’m fucking pissed.”
He laughs. “Makes two of us, bro. Just crash here.”
“I don’t know. Things aren’t good between your sister and me at the moment. Then there’s your fucking dad,” I slur. “I think he wants to cut my balls off and mount them on the wall.” CJ cracks up laughing at my comment, slapping my back.
“You’re funny. He wouldn’t do that. He’s just a tad overprotective of his little girl.”
“A fucking tad?”
“Okay a lot.” We both start to laugh.
“Thanks buddy,” I say clumsily placing my hand on his shoulder. “I fucking needed tonight.”
“No worries. This whole situation is fucked up,” he replies. “You never know, if my sis gets her shit together we might actually become brothers one day.” I chuckle at his comment. With things the way they are now, that’s not fucking likely.
Once upon a time that statement would’ve freaked me the fuck out. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol numbing my senses, or deep down the idea of being married to Angel actually appeals to me. I know I love her with every fibre of my being, but marriage? Fuck knows.
••••
Angel
Rolling over, I look at the clock on my bedside table. It’s 6:00 a.m. I haven’t left my room since coming home from the hospital. I can’t bear to be in this house anymore. I can’t bear to look at the spot where I lay bleeding as my baby died inside me.