The Art of Unpacking Your Life

by Shireen Jilla

  Sara looked at her blankly. Lizzie realised her mistake. Sara probably never played Cluedo on a Sunday night.

  ‘I was thinking of Cluedo, the murder board game.’

  ‘I know about Cluedo,’ Sara snapped.

  Lizzie was annoyed. Sara knew about everything, she was worldly wise, but what did she actually experience? If she had had more life experience, perhaps she wouldn’t have made a mistake with this case.

  Gus appeared to be trying to intervene, leaning towards her. ‘Lizzie, you were brave this morning.’

  Lizzie smiled, ‘It was quite exciting, though I shall be quite happy to get back to London alive.’

  Sara stared out darkly. It was unlike her. Sara was constantly listening, reacting, amusing and diverting.

  For once, Lizzie felt less complicated than Sara – in fact, than the whole group. Matt and Katherine losing a baby; Julian’s revelation about his baby; Sara and her teetering career; Luke’s divorce from his wife, his custody of his children, and his obvious love for Connie; Dan and Alan’s unhappy relationship. Her concerns about her job, buying a flat, even finding a boyfriend were less insurmountable than she had previously thought. She had envied them all, particularly Connie. But she didn’t want the high drama of Connie’s life. She checked herself. She wasn’t smugly thinking her life was sorted, far from it. Still, she was luckier than she thought. Lizzie felt a lightness, which didn’t depend on her friends or their moods.

  Sara was marooned on the sofa. She could only talk to Gus because he knew the truth before Alistair exposed it. Lizzie was long gone, yet Gus said nothing. He didn’t give her his probing look. In fact, he didn’t look at her all. Sara was ashamed.

  ‘What are you going to do, Sara?’ he said eventually.

  She hadn’t thought about that, but looking at his expression she knew the answer.

  ‘Of course I’m on the back foot, despite my good intentions. I need to go back. Confess all, before Joanne Sutton does,’ she sounded neutral. Years of practice talking to clients. She was very good at it. ‘There’ll be a disciplinary hearing and, considering the profile of the case and Nigel Sutton’s imminent re-trial, I will either be suspended or disbarred.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  She smiled. ‘I only understand the law, Gus.’

  He gently returned her smile. ‘It’s the right thing to do, Sara. Then you can live with yourself.’

  ‘Which is a good thing when no one else wants me.’ She blushed. The comment was beneath her.

  ‘You think that someone will only love you because you are a high-powered barrister?’ He paused. ‘You’re harsh on yourself, Sara.’

  ‘Not as harsh as other barristers will be.’ She mimicked what she thought the other barristers might say. ‘Sara Wilson went completely off the rails. Normally it’s the client who is a nutter. Sad considering how hard she worked to become a great barrister.’

  ‘You are only human, Sara.’

  ‘That’s the point.’ She tried to wave her free hand amusingly. ‘I’ll be buried. For once, Lizzie’s spot on. I will end up a lonely lesbian in a Florida bungalow.’

  ‘Only you’re not a lesbian,’ he swung back, smiling.

  ‘A technical detail.’

  ‘Sara. You’ve been having sex with the wrong people, eh?’

  ‘Who is the right person?’

  He stood up. ‘Only you know that, Sara.’

  What Sara wanted to say was, I am going back to get disbarred. Might you want me after that? Take me to your tower of integrity. Of course, she didn’t. Life wasn’t a Mills & Boon novel. It was a bloody 18-rated movie.

  Luke felt terrible. He was getting something, perhaps even a chest infection. It hurt as he breathed. His head was throbbing. His muscles ached as if he had overdone the exercise. He barely moved from his bed after Connie left for the ride. She hadn’t wanted to go, but they both decided it was best for at least one of them to show up.

  Luke was ill yet happy. When he had woken to find Connie standing over him, he had made a snap decision. Of course, there was a distinct possibility she was only with him for comfort after Julian’s treachery, combined with a deep-rooted sympathy for the wounds that Emma had inflicted. However, there was a slim chance she might still love him. He wasn’t going to live with regrets as far as Connie was concerned. If they had only one night together, so be it.

  Lying in bed, smiling to himself, he was relaxed for the first time in a long time. He had no desire to move, certainly not to run. He was going to take a break from exercise until he got home. It was too hot. He didn’t need to do it. If he wasn’t fit enough for the Iron Man, he could always drop out.

  He wound the duvet around himself. With Connie, he felt emotionally and sexually alive, when he had thought that those parts of him had been suffocated. Even the thought of making love to Connie made him grin. She must be back from the airstrip. Luke knew Julian would have fought hard to keep her. Yet he was calm. He had made love to Connie. It was as great as he remembered. He could do no more. He understood the situation was outside his control, but it didn’t make him panic.

  He heard the outer door scrape on the stones. Matt or Connie. He toyed with the odds of either. He was enjoying his game, when his door opened. He knew it was Connie before he rolled over to see her, standing with her back against the closed door. She stood watching him. ‘Are you feeling better?’

  He shook his head. ‘Are you okay?’ He studied her face.

  ‘Yes, I am.’ She gave her half-smile.

  ‘Julian?’ He struggled to say his name neutrally.

  ‘Gone. Banished to the basement. Didn’t tell him about us.’

  Luke briefly weighed up Connie’s reasons for keeping last night secret. On balance, he was pleased. Of course, he would have loved Julian to suffer, but it could mean that Connie was using him to get back at Julian.

  ‘And Sally?’ He said tentatively, aware how unpredictable pain was.

  She walked straight up to the bed and swung her bag off her shoulder and crouched beside him. ‘Banished further afield,’ she paused. ‘He has been sleeping with her for around five years.’

  He took the bag out of her hands and held them.

  She glanced up at him. ‘You are thinking that I must have known.’

  He didn’t speak for a moment. ‘I have never judged you, Connie. I’m not going to start now.’

  She kissed him, before answering her own question. ‘Did I see a look between them and choose to block it out because it didn’t fit my narrative? Honestly, I can’t say.’

  ‘What are you going to do, Connie?’

  She didn’t answer. Instead, she bent down and dug a packet of Nurofen Extra out of her bag.

  ‘I’ve already taken far too many codeine.’

  She dropped them back into her bag. They looked at one another. Luke ran his fingers down the side of her face, wondering if he had the strength to make love to her again. She captured his hand and kissed it gently, before letting it go.

  ‘Do you remember I showed you that photo of Gae in the forties?’

  He nodded. ‘The land was ravaged.’

  Connie leaned her head against his arm. ‘I found a notebook belonging to my grandfather.’ She dug the book out of her bag.

  Luke curled his fingers round her neck. ‘Brilliant. What does he say?’

  ‘I started reading it while we were camping. It’s all about this being the last great wilderness and we need to protect and nurture it, leave it for our grandchildren.’

  Luke smiled. ‘How appropriate.’

  ‘Is this boring you?’

  ‘I’m not Julian.’

  She blushed.

  Luke quickly wrapped his arm round her head and pulled her face right up against his. ‘I’m sorry, Connie. Very childish. Please. I’m interested and listening.’

  ‘I just rang my mother to ask why he ended up here. And I told her about Julian too. She acted as if I were going mad.’

  Luke smiled, imag
ining Connie’s outspoken mother’s reaction. ‘I can imagine Felicity was rather alarmed in the circumstances.’

  Connie gave a slight snort. ‘Rather alarmed, yes, such a Felicity phrase.’

  ‘How’s Philip taking it?’

  ‘Dad’s devastated,’ she looked up. ‘I’m worried about him.’

  ‘I’ll give him a call later.’

  ‘He said I should have married you.’

  Luke managed a smile. ‘Well, we all know that.’

  Connie dipped her head. When she did that she always reminded him of a swan: breath-taking but sad.

  ‘About your grandfather?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ she looked relieved. ‘My mother reluctantly told me he came here because my grandmother left him for a pilot.’

  Luke silently absorbed the similarities.

  Connie nodded. ‘Can I read you something?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Okay.’ She carefully flicked the pages through to one she had marked with a piece of torn paper. ‘Mother Nature is a great healer: all she needs is time and space. There are plenty of both here.’

  Luke watched her silently. He could see where Connie was leading, as clearly as if she had written it on a white board, but he didn’t rush her.

  She glanced up at him. ‘He went on to write: I want to restore the Kalahari to itself. Isn’t that beautiful?’

  ‘Yes,’ he spoke quickly. ‘And a perfect metaphor. For him and for you.’

  She smiled, delighted he grasped her full meaning. Studying with Connie had been wonderful. They led each other to the right conclusions. They both got almost exactly the same high 2:1.

  She flashed him an emotive look. It reminded him of when she spoke about her first dinner with Julian. Waiting for him to thrust certainty upon her, which he could never do. Though now, he could meet her halfway.

  ‘Look, you don’t need to be sure, darling. Try out the idea on me.’

  ‘I was wondering whether I might set up a black rhino foundation,’ she hurried on. ‘Of course, I’m in London with four children, but they have long holidays. I don’t know anything about it, but I can learn. It is one of the most extraordinary places on this planet. And I should continue my grandfather’s work. Though I might be reading too much into it…’

  He kissed her gently. ‘No you’re not. It’s a great idea. I can see you running an animal foundation.’

  ‘Really?’ She looked at him critically.

  ‘Really.’

  ‘Luke, you’re brilliant at business. Could you help me set it up? I know you’re busy with your company, and Ella and Finn, of course. I mean, not full-time or anything. Just to get me started.’

  He smiled. ‘Definitely.’

  ‘Thank you, Luke.’ She kissed him and, as she pulled away her blue eyes, focused on his. He decided that she probably did love him. Whether it was enough to surmount her loyalty to Julian and the children, he wasn’t at all sure.

  ‘About us, Luke.’

  ‘It’s complicated,’ he quickly acknowledged.

  ‘Yes, it is. If we didn’t have children…’

  He stroked her hair, ‘But we do.’

  She was silent, watching him.

  ‘Connie, we don’t need to know where we are going, but what we feel right now. It is enough for me.’

  He could see in her eyes that she didn’t believe him. She knew him too well. She squeezed his hands. They sat there for a few minutes.

  She moved suddenly to delve into her bag and bring out a clear tube.

  ‘What is that?’

  ‘Pure vitamin E oil. I use it when I burn,’ she paused, ‘It’s amazing at healing scars.’

  Luke couldn’t speak. She took off her canvas shoes, slipped off her trousers and carefully climbed over him and into the bed. She lifted off the duvet and turned him gently on to his stomach. He didn’t stop her. He felt the extreme coolness of the gel as she applied it to his back. He felt it soaking into his burns and the scars from his stitches, making him aware of how dry and itchy they usually felt. She got him to move to face her. Lying on his left side, she squeezed the gel gently along the front of his hips. She ran her fingers along the stitches to help the liquid soak in. He watched her, amazed at himself. He was no longer wary of her touching him. She stretched over him to put the tube down on the table. She lay down on her side, close to him. She was smiling. He watched her watching him, until she fell asleep.

  Chapter 28

  Torches cast vermillion shadows on the rugs unfurled over the bronze sand. The dark side tables were mesmerising in candlelight. Sofas and throws had been transported here to create an intimate sitting room, but no one sat down. Mile upon mile upon mile of dunes radiated around them to a horizon that was limitless in its reach and possibility. The group was trapped by the weeping beauty of such an openness. They wanted to absorb it and for it to absorb them.

  Luke placed his weight on to a director’s chair. The cream canvas bowed down to compensate for his weakness. He painfully stood up and struggled towards the bar. He glanced at the square dining table glistening with the full tableware they had at the lodge. Imagining the human toil involved in transporting this entire dinner party here on to the dunes made his chest tighten again. He slumped back on to his chair.

  He was happy, though shattered. Lying in a cool bath earlier in the evening, he had unpacked his thoughts. Julian was banished to the basement, though he might well climb back out into the house. For now, they were separated. Their divorce was incidental to Luke, if Connie was emotionally and physically free from Julian.

  Connie slipped into the khaki director’s chair beside him. He had carefully avoided her, knowing the group would instantly realise what had happened. He didn’t mind whether they knew or not, though he sensed Connie would.

  ‘It’s unbelievably beautiful, isn’t it?’ she said softly resting the palm of her hand flat on top of his. Her warmth seeped into his skin.

  He took her hand and placed it on his leg. ‘I love it here, Connie.’

  ‘So do I.’

  They smiled at each other. He was buoyed up by her public show of affection.

  ‘Are you feeling better?’

  Connie was the only woman who had truly cared about him.

  ‘I’m fine.’ He didn’t want to talk about feeling ill. It was banal and irrelevant in the circumstances. All he wanted to do was enjoy being with her. He leaned over to wrap his arm around her. It hurt to do so. He winced. ‘How are you feeling now?’

  ‘Surprisingly good.’

  He leaned his head close to hers. He felt a stray hair touch the side of his face. He moved it carefully back behind her ear. She gave him that dreamy smile.

  She shifted back and down the chair and looked out at the view. ‘How could you and I not be okay out here?’ Connie turned towards him.

  ‘Exactly. What the hell.’

  ‘What the hell!’ she grinned.

  He grinned back, but grimaced as his chest clenched. ‘You and I should make that our motto.’

  ‘A motto for my forties.’ She quietly turned to him. ‘Can you believe that I’m going to be forty tomorrow? You will be in June.’

  He nodded. ‘I feel old and young.’

  She turned to him. ‘Yes, that’s it. We should be old enough to know what we are doing. Only we are still beginners.’ She sighed. ‘Though I’m happy being forty.’

  Luke thought about it. ‘Yes, so am I.’

  Connie rested her head under his neck. Her chest gently pressed against him. Her weight hurt. He almost asked her to move.

  ‘I’ve known you for twenty-two years. Isn’t that incredible?’ She sighed. ‘Such a long time.’ She looked up at him. ‘I could never become as close to someone new.’ She kissed him. Her smile, her lips, her fine neck, those bare collar bones were moving against him. Finally, they parted. Luke knew what he wanted to say.

  ‘Connie, I fell in love with you at the first Freshers’ Week dinner. And I never stopped loving you.
Why I didn’t tell you, I’ll never truly know. But I love you even more now.’

  ‘I loved you, Luke,’ She smiled gently. He loved her smile. ‘And I still love you.’

  Connie kissed him again on the lips. It was always Connie. She stood up in front of his chair. He would have stood up too, only he was feeling too weak. She gave him that mysterious smile, which he now could interpret.

  Dan had spent years considering nature and plants. Landscapes. Yet he had never fully appreciated one until now. The quiet majesty of these dunes filled him with joy. He was happy and free of the nagging sense of melancholy that had been haunting him. It made him feel warm and loving towards Alan. Dan had had his doubts, but they had a wonderfully loving and stable relationship. Sara joined Lizzie and Connie, leaving the two of them alone. Dan put an arm round Alan and drew him close. ‘It’s amazing here, isn’t it? Can you believe this place? The whole trip has been incredible.’

  ‘Yeah, if you enjoy dicing with death in the desert.’ There was no mistaking Alan’s tetchy tone.

  Dan didn’t want to spoil this rare moment, but he sympathised. ‘It was terrifying this morning, wasn’t it? I think that Gus knew what he was doing.’

  ‘Like hell he did. He looked as shit-scared as I was.’

  Dan nodded, his mouth tightening. He wanted to divert Alan away from yet another post-mortem on this morning and draw him towards the horizon, their future, wherever it was.

  Alan was having none of it. ‘Connie’s a good friend, and I do buy that, but it’s been a waste of a shed load of money and annual leave to boot, if you ask me.’

  Alan was speaking in a stage whisper that made his complaints obvious to the girls a few metres away.

  Dan didn’t reply. He turned back to stare at the sky. It was a painting in a profusion of fuchsia, flamboyantly touched with blue and purple. He wanted to absorb it, draw its beauty into his being. He wished he had brought his sketchpad. He had thought there would be nothing to capture at sunset. How mad. He turned to share his feelings with Alan. ‘I’d love to paint this sky on a large canvas for our sitting room.’

  ‘Yeah.’ Alan eyed the sky sceptically.