The Portable Machiavelli

by Niccolo Machiavelli

  CALLIMACO: How?

  LIGURIO: We all have to disguise ourselves. I’ll dress the priest—we’ll change his voice, his face, and his clothes. I’ll tell the counselor that he is you, and he’ll believe it.

  CALLIMACO: That’s fine, but what must I do?

  LIGURIO: Be sure to wear a short cloak and come by his house with a lute in your hand, singing a little tune.

  CALLIMACO: Without a mask?

  LIGURIO: Of course. If you wore a mask he would suspect something.

  CALLIMACO: Then he’ll recognize me.

  LIGURIO: No, he won’t, because you are going to distort your features. Twist your face with your mouth open, gnash and grind your teeth, and close one eye. Try it right now.

  CALLIMACO: Like this?

  LIGURIO: No.

  CALLIMACO: This way?

  LIGURIO : Not enough.

  CALLIMACO: Is this better?

  LIGURIO: Yes, yes, remember how to do that. I have a false nose at home; you can put that on, too.

  CALLIMACO: Okay, but what next?

  LIGURIO: When you arrive at his block, we’ll be there to grab you and your lute; we’ll spin you around, bring you inside, and put you in bed. You have to do the rest on your own!

  CALLIMACO: But that’s where the difficult part begins!

  LIGURIO: That’s your worry. Only make sure that you can get back again—that we cannot arrange for you.

  CALLIMACO: What do you mean?

  LIGURIO: That you should take her tonight. Before you leave, let her know who you are, explain the trick to her, show her your love, tell her how much you care for her, how, without any scandal whatever, you can be her lover, and how scandalous it would be to become your enemy. It’s impossible that she won’t see the light and that she will want tonight to be the last night.

  CALLIMACO: You really believe this?

  LIGURIO: I’m sure of it. But let’s not lose any more time—it’s already ten o’clock. Call Siro, send the potion to Messer Nicia, and wait for me at home. I’ll get the priest, disguise him, and bring him here. Then we’ll find Messer Nicia and do whatever still has to be done.

  CALLIMACO: Fine. Get going. (Exit Ligurio.)

  SCENE 3

  CALLIMACO, SIRO

  CALLIMACO: Siro!

  SIRO: Sir?

  CALLIMACO: Come here.

  SIRO: Here I am.

  CALLIMACO: Take that silver goblet inside the dresser in my room, cover it with a piece of cloth, bring it here, and don’t spill anything on the way.

  SIRO: It’s as good as done. (Exit Siro.)

  CALLIMACO: Siro has been with me for ten years and has always served me faithfully. I believe I can trust him in this case as well; although I haven’t explained everything to him, he is very shrewd and will figure it out; he seems to be going along with it.

  SIRO: Here it is.

  CALLIMACO: Very good. Now go to Messer Nicia’s and tell him that this is the medicine his wife has to take right after supper—the sooner she eats, the better. And inform him that we’ll all be at our assigned posts—at the time he is to meet us there. And hurry up.

  SIRO: I’m going.

  CALLIMACO: And listen, if he wishes, wait and come back with him; if not, return here immediately after giving him the goblet. Do you understand?

  SIRO: Yes, sir. (Exit.)

  SCENE 4

  CALLIMACO

  CALLIMACO: Here I am, waiting for Ligurio to return with the priest. Whoever said that waiting is a hard thing surely told the truth. I seem to be losing ten pounds an hour, thinking about where I am now and where I could be in two hours, and being afraid all the time that something may interfere with my plans. If that happens, it will be my last night on earth, because I’ll hang myself, jump into the Arno, throw myself out of those windows, or even cut my own throat in her doorway! I’ll do something, because I couldn’t live any longer. But is that Ligurio I see? It is Ligurio, and he has someone with him who looks like a lame hunchback—that must be the priest in disguise. Oh, these friars—when you’ve known one, you’ve known them all! Who is the other guy with them? It looks like Siro, already back from Messer Nicia’s. It’s he. I’ll wait here to meet them.

  SCENE 5

  SIRO, LIGURIO, CALLIMACO, BROTHER TIMOTEO IN DISGUISE

  SIRO: Who’s that with you, Ligurio?

  LIGURIO: A very worthy man.

  SIRO: Is he lame or just pretending?

  LIGURIO: Mind your own business!

  SIRO: He has the face of a real crook!

  LIGURIO: For Christ’s sake, shut up or you’ll ruin everything! Where’s Callimaco?

  CALLIMACO: Here I am. Welcome to all of you.

  LIGURIO: Callimaco, warn this idiot Siro; he’s about to spill the beans.

  CALLIMACO: Listen, Siro. Tonight you must do everything Ligurio tells you just as if it were I ordering you; and whatever you see and hear you must keep very secret if you value my property, my honor, and my life as well as your own interests.

  SIRO: Consider it done.

  CALLIMACO: Did you give the goblet to Messer Nicia?

  SIRO: Yes, sir.

  CALLIMACO: What did he say?

  SIRO: That he’ll be at your service shortly.

  TIMOTEO: Is this Callimaco?

  CALLIMACO: Yes, I am Callimaco, at your service. Our contract is drawn—you have myself and my fortune at your disposal just as if it were your own.

  TIMOTEO: I understand everything and believe in it; therefore I have done for you what I would not have done for another person in the world.

  CALLIMACO: You will not be sorry.

  TIMOTEO: It is enough that you wish me well.

  LIGURIO: Enough with all these polite exchanges! Siro and I are going to disguise ourselves. Callimaco, you come with us and get ready to play your role. The priest will wait for us here. We’ll return immediately, then go to find Messer Nicia.

  CALLIMACO: Fine. Let’s go.

  TIMOTEO: I’ll wait here. (Exeunt Callimaco, Siro, and Ligurio. )

  SCENE 6

  BROTHER TIMOTEO

  TIMOTEO: It certainly is true what people say: bad company leads men to the gallows, and one can end just as badly by being too credulous or too good as one can by being too evil. God knows that I never intended to hurt anyone. I was in my cell saying my office and looking after my flock, when along comes this devil Ligurio, who first made me dip my finger into mischief, then my arm, and then all of me, and I still don’t know where it will end. But one thing consoles me: when something involves a number of people, no one person in particular can be blamed. Ah, I see Ligurio and that servant returning. (Enter Ligurio and Siro.)

  SCENE 7

  BROTHER TIMOTEO, LIGURIO, SIRO

  TIMOTEO: Welcome back!

  LIGURIO: How do we look?

  TIMOTEO: Perfect.

  LIGURIO: The lawyer is missing. Let’s head toward his house. It’s already past eleven. Hurry!

  SIRO: Someone is opening his door. Could it be a servant?

  LIGURIO: No, it’s Messer Nicia. Hah, hah, hah!

  SIRO: You’re laughing?

  LIGURIO: Who wouldn’t? He’s wearing some kind of crummy old cloak that doesn’t even cover his ass. What the devil does he have on his head? It looks like something worn by churchmen; and he even has a little sword underneath. Hah, hah, hah! He’s muttering something or other. Let’s keep out of sight and listen to what his wife has to put up with.

  SCENE 8

  MESSER NICIA

  NICIA: What a lot of problems my crazy wife creates! She sent the maids to her mother’s and the butler to our country villa. I approve of that, but I don’t approve of all the fuss she made before she agreed to be put to bed—“I don’t want to!” “What will I do?” “What are you making me do?” “Oh mamma mia!” And if her mother had not told her what would happen to her if she didn’t change her mind she would never have gone to bed. A pox on her! I don’t mind if a woman is a bit bothersome, but not that much! She’s
driving me out of my mind, that chicken brain! If you were to say to her, “Hang me if you’re not the finest woman in Florence!” she would say, “What have I done to you?” And even though I’m sure the sword will wound her tonight, before I leave the battlefield I’m going to inspect everything with my very own hands. I really look rather handsome. Who would recognize me? I look taller, younger, slimmer, and there isn’t a woman in Florence who would charge me to sleep with her tonight. But where are the others?

  SCENE 9

  LIGURIO, MESSER NICIA, BROTHER TIMOTEO, SIRO

  LIGURIO: Good evening, counselor!

  NICIA: Oh, ah, O my ...

  LIGURIO: Don’t be afraid, it’s only us.

  NICIA: Oh, you’re all here. If I hadn’t recognized you, I’d have given you all a whack with my sword! Are you Ligurio ? And you Siro? And this other is your master? Good.

  LIGURIO: Yes, counselor.

  NICIA: Let’s take a look. Oh, he’s disguised so well that not even the sheriff would know him!

  LIGURIO: I had him put two nuts in his mouth so that no one would recognize his voice.

  NICIA: You are stupid.

  LIGURIO: Why?

  NICIA: Why didn’t you tell me about that? I would have put some in my mouth as well; you know how important it is for people not to recognize our voices.

  LIGURIO : Here, put this in your mouth.

  NICIA: What is it?

  LIGURIO: A ball of wax.

  NICIA: Give it here ... ugh, phew! May you burn in Hell, you dirty bastard!

  LIGURIO: Oh, excuse me, I gave you the wrong one by accident.

  NICIA: Ugh, yech, phew! (He spits violently.) What, what—what was it?

  LIGURIO: Bitter aloes.

  NICIA: God damn you! (He spits again.) Doctor, aren’t you going to say anything?

  TIMOTEO: I’m angry with Ligurio for doing that.

  NICIA: Oh, how well you disguise your voice!

  LIGURIO: We’re losing time here. I’ll be the general and draw up the army for the battle. At the right horn will be Doctor Callimaco, I’ll be on the left, and between the horns will be Messer Nicia. Siro will be rear guard and will help anyone who falls back. The password will be Saint Cuckold.

  NICIA: Who is Saint Cuckold?

  LIGURIO: He is the most venerated saint in France. Let’s be off. Set our ambush at this corner. Be quiet. I hear a lute playing.

  NICIA: It’s a man. What should we do?

  LIGURIO: We’ll send a scout to the front to find out who he is and, depending on what he reports back to us, we’ll take it from there.

  NICIA: Who will go?

  LIGURIO: You go, Siro. You know what you have to do. Make inquiries, investigate, then return immediately and report to us.

  SIRO: I’m on my way.

  NICIA: I don’t want to make a mistake here by picking up somebody who is weak or sick, or we’ll have to repeat this operation tomorrow night.

  LIGURIO: Don’t worry. Siro can handle this. He’s on his way back now. What did you find out, Siro?

  SIRO: He’s the handsomest young rake you ever saw—not more than twenty-five years old, alone, shabbily dressed, and playing a lute.

  NICIA: If you are right, he’s just what we need. But be sure not to spoil this stew; otherwise I’ll dump it all on you. SIRO: He’s just the way I described him to you.

  LIGURIO: Let’s wait until he turns the corner, and then we’ll all jump him at once.

  NICIA: Doctor, come over here—you’ve been so quiet all evening. Here he comes! (Enter Callimaco, disguised and singing.)

  CALLIMACO: “May the devil go to bed with you, since I cannot be there.”

  LIGURIO: Hold him tight. Give us that lute!

  CALLIMACO: Hold on—what have I done?

  NICIA: You’ll soon see. Cover his head. Gag him! LIGURIO: Spin him around!

  NICIA: Give him another turn, another. Now put him in the house!

  TIMOTEO: Messer Nicia, I’m going home for a nap; my head is killing me. And, if you won’t be needing me, I will not be back tomorrow morning.

  NICIA: Fine, Doctor Callimaco, don’t come back; we can handle everything ourselves. (Exeunt all save the priest.)

  SCENE 10

  BROTHER TIMOTEO

  TIMOTEO: Now that they’ve all gone inside, I’ll return to the monastery. And you, in the audience, don’t worry: nobody will sleep tonight, for the comedy’s action will not be interrupted by an interval of time. I shall say my prayers. Ligurio and Siro will eat, since they didn’t have time to eat today. The lawyer will go from room to room, keeping his eye on things. Callimaco and Madonna Lucrezia won’t sleep, because I know that if I were he and you were she, we wouldn’t sleep either!

  Curtain

  ACT V

  SCENE 1

  BROTHER TIMOTEO

  TIMOTEO: I was so anxious to know how Callimaco and the others made out last night that I didn’t get any sleep. I’ve tried to pass the time of day in various ways: I said morning mass, read one of the lives of the church fathers, went into the church and lit a lamp that had burned out, and changed the veil on one of our Madonnas who works miracles. How many times have I told these friars to keep it clean! And they wonder why devotion is declining. I remember when she had five hundred ex-votos around her, and today there are less than twenty; this is our fault because we haven’t kept up her reputation. We used to go there every evening after the services in procession and have litanies sung to her every Saturday. We even made our own ex-votos so that there were always fresh ones there; we used the confessional to encourage men and women to make offerings to her. Now we no longer do anything like this, and then we wonder why things have cooled down! Oh, what little brains these brothers of mine have! But I hear a great commotion coming from Messer Nicia’s place. There they are. They’re throwing their prisoner out the door. I’m just in time. It’s almost dawn. The lovers must have enjoyed themselves to the last drop. I want to hear what they are saying, but they must not see me, so I’ll hide.

  SCENE 2

  MESSER NICIA, CALLIMACO, LIGURIO, SIRO

  NICIA: You grab him here, I’ll hold him on this side, and Siro, you take him by his cloak from behind.

  CALLIMACO: Don’t hurt me!

  LIGURIO: Don’t be afraid, just be on your way.

  NICIA: We’d best not go further.

  LIGURIO: You’re right. Let’s leave him here. Give him another two turns so he won’t know where he came from. Spin him around, Siro!

  SIRO: There.

  NICIA: Again!

  SIRO: It’s done.

  CALLIMACO: My lute!

  LIGURIO: Go on, you wretch, beat it! If I hear you talking about this, I’ll cut your throat! (Exit Callimaco.)

  NICIA: He ran off. Let’s remove these disguises. We all have to be out of our houses early so that it doesn’t look like we have been up all night.

  LIGURIO: You’re right.

  NICIA: You and Siro go to find Doctor Callimaco and tell him everything went well.

  LIGURIO: What can we tell him? We don’t know anything. You know we arrived at your house, and that we went into the cellar to drink. You and your mother-in-law handled him, and we didn’t see you again until just now, when you called us to get rid of him.

  NICIA: That’s true. Oh, can I tell you some fine stories! My wife was in bed in the dark. Sostrata was waiting for me by the fire. I arrived with that guy. In order not to have any doubts about anything, I led him over to a little room where there was a weak light so that he could not see my face.

  LIGURIO: How very wise.

  NICIA: I made him strip. That bothered him, but I turned on him like a mad dog so that he tore off his clothes in a flash and was completely naked. He had an ugly face, a horrible nose, and a twisted mouth, but you never saw such beautiful skin—white, soft, tender. As for the rest, you needn’t ask.

  LIGURIO: Some things are best not discussed. But did you have to see everything?

  NICIA: Are you kidding? Once
I had put my hand in the flour, I had to knead the dough. I wanted to see if he was healthy. Suppose he had the pox; where would that leave me? Of course I checked everything.

  LIGURIO: Yes, you are right.

  NICIA: When I saw he was healthy, I had him follow me and led him into the bedroom in the dark. I put him in the bed. Then, before I left I decided to feel with my own hands how things were getting along. I’m not one to take fireflies for lanterns!

  LIGURIO: My, my—with what wisdom you arranged this whole affair!

  NICIA: When I had touched and felt everything, I left the room, locked the door, and returned to Sostrata at the fireplace. We stayed up all night talking.

  LIGURIO: What did you talk about?

  NICIA: About Lucrezia’s stupidity, and how it would have been better if she had agreed to this without so much fuss. Afterward we talked about the baby which I could already feel in my arms—the little brat!—until I heard the clock strike. Thinking it was almost dawn, I returned to the bedroom. What do you think of this—I could hardly wake that wretch up!

  LIGURIO: I believe it!

  NICIA: He really enjoyed his sauce! Finally he got up, I called you, and we brought him outside.

  LIGURIO: It went very well.

  NICIA: You know, something worries me.

  LIGURIO: What’s that?

  NICIA: That poor young man who has to die so soon; this one night cost him so dear.

  LIGURIO: Oh, you don’t have to worry about that—it’s his problem.

  NICIA: I guess you’re right. But I can’t wait to see Doctor Callimaco and to congratulate him.

  LIGURIO: He’ll be out within an hour. But the sun is already up. Let’s change our clothes. What about you? NICIA: I’m going home, too, for clean clothes. I’ll get my wife up and have her wash, and then I’ll bring her to church to have her purified again. I would like you and Doctor Callimaco to be there, and we should speak to the priest to thank him and to reward him for the good that he has done us.