Kiss

by Wilson, Jacqueline

  ‘Let’s go outside in the dark for a bit – this is doing my head in,’ said Paul.

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, Paul, can’t you see how much this means to Carl?’ I said.

  ‘OK, OK, you stay with him. Miranda and I will go and get a breath of fresh air,’ said Paul, grinning.

  Carl turned away from the sun. ‘OK, I’m ready, let’s go.’

  ‘No, we’ll stay, Carl!’ I said.

  ‘No, it’s fine, really. I’ve had a good look,’ said Carl. ‘Come on then, you guys.’

  I could have shaken him. He followed Paul out of the conservatory with a craven look on his face. Paul turned momentarily and raised his eyebrows at me in exasperation. Miranda also looked irritated. She strode forward in her black buckled boots, Paul in pursuit, Carl keeping close and me stumbling after them as Sylvie-tag-along.

  ‘Miranda? Wait! Look, let’s explore a bit,’ Paul said, taking hold of her arm and trying to steer her into the trees.

  ‘No, it’s this way,’ said Miranda.

  ‘But we’ve just seen the whirly things and the boat,’ said Paul.

  ‘Past them. We’ve got to see the Temperate House. Come on, the gates close in an hour.’

  ‘Oh, flipping heck,’ said Paul – or words to that effect.

  ‘Hey, mate, we can go off exploring if you like,’ said Carl. ‘Maybe we’ve seen enough glass.’

  I stared at him. He never used the word mate and mocked anyone who did. And I knew he was desperate to see and marvel at each Chihuly piece.

  ‘No we haven’t!’ said Miranda, seizing him by the arm. ‘For God’s sake, you moron, it’s the best bit! They’ve got the Cherry Walk all lit up!’

  It was like walking into a carnival dream-world. The trees were lit with coloured lamps so they glowed royal blue and emerald green. There were strings of fairy lights and fire-eaters swallowing flame and men on stilts striding ten foot tall through the undergrowth. It was so strange and magical that Paul stopped moaning and Miranda stopped being bossy. We walked together, all four of us, in the midst of the crowd drifting down towards the Temperate House.

  We stepped inside and gasped. Gigantic glass flowers bloomed everywhere amongst the real plants and trees. A great green chandelier hung from the ceiling like a gigantic bunch of grapes. A tangle of gilded glass balloons spiralled almost down to the ground. Strange glass vegetation drifted in the little stream.

  ‘Look at the floats,’ Carl whispered, bending down and staring at the huge blue spheres, like the biggest glass bubbles in the world. ‘How can he make them this big?’

  ‘I like the ones like real flowers, the pink one and the turquoise one. Let us have flowers like this,’ I said.

  I meant in Glassworld, but Miranda took me literally.

  ‘They’d be way way too expensive, silly. Even the simplest Chihuly piece costs thousands.’

  ‘Especially the Macchia flowers,’ said Carl. ‘They’ve got contrasting colours on the outside and the inside. I think they use opaque glass in between, but I can’t quite work out how.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter how. Let’s just enjoy them,’ said Miranda. ‘They’re so beautiful! Even you have to admit they’re beautiful, Paul.’

  ‘You’re beautiful, Miranda,’ said Paul, batting his eyelashes in a ridiculous fashion.

  ‘You are such an idiot,’ said Miranda, but she blew him a kiss all the same.

  Then she blew one to Carl and he blew one back to her and then blew one to me until there was a flurry of kisses flying through the air and we were all mouthing madly, people staring at us.

  ‘Let’s get out of here before they cart us away,’ said Paul. ‘Where’s the way out?’

  ‘Here’s the way up,’ said Carl, and he started climbing the little white spiralling stairs all the way up to the balcony right at the top of the Temperate House.

  We followed, me next, then Miranda, then Paul, climbing until we were right up high in the glasshouse, a few trapped sparrows circling our heads, and below us a dazzle of bright glass amongst the intense green of the spotlit foliage. We stood peering down from our balcony like royalty. I felt for Carl’s hand.

  ‘I feel as if we’re really in Glassworld,’ I whispered.

  Miranda took my hand. Paul already held hers. We stood still, all of us linked, no one speaking.

  I’ll remember this moment for ever, I thought. I am holding Carl’s hand and I am happy happy happy.

  It felt so magical. Anything seemed possible. We could all four step straight off the balcony and fly like birds, our hands still linked.

  When we are outside in the dark I will keep holding Carl’s hand. We will walk into the trees and I will kiss him, I vowed to myself.

  We walked all the way round the balcony, and then down the winding stairs and out underneath the glass spirals and bubbles and chandeliers, through the door into the darkness.

  The Cherry Walk was crowded with people trying to see everything before the gates closed.

  ‘Let’s go down this path, where it’s quieter,’ said Paul

  ‘You’re going the wrong way. You’ll end up lost in the Woodland Glade,’ said Miranda.

  ‘Let’s all get lost, just for a little while,’ said Carl.

  ‘Yes, yes, let’s!’ I said.

  ‘We’ll play Hide and Seek – Sylvie and Carl, Miranda and me,’ said Paul.

  ‘No, no, that’s for chickens, hiding in pairs. We’ll all split up,’ said Miranda, eyes glittering in the moonlight. ‘We’ll all run off in different directions and the birthday boy has to count to a hundred, eyes closed, and then catch each of us.’

  ‘No, that’s just a baby game,’ said Paul.

  ‘Oh, go on. Humour her. So what do I get if I catch everyone, Miranda?’ said Carl. His eyes looked oddly bright too. Maybe it was just the eerie light.

  ‘You get whatever your heart desires, of course,’ said Miranda, smiling. ‘Right, I’m off.’

  She suddenly started running, surprisingly quick in her boots, dodging round the corner of the Temperate House and out of sight before we could stop her.

  ‘Go on, you two,’ said Carl. ‘I’ll start counting. One, two, three …’

  Paul sighed but started running, rounding the Temperate House too.

  ‘Carl,’ I whispered, my mouth dry.

  ‘Four, five, six – go on, Sylvie.’

  ‘Look, we could both run off, they’re not to know,’ I said. ‘Come on!’

  ‘That’s cheating,’ said Carl. ‘We’ve got to play now. It’s OK. If I haven’t found you in ten minutes come back to the Temperate House, right? Don’t look like that. You’re not scared, are you?’

  ‘No!’ I said, and ran off the other way, down the whole length of the glasshouse, turning the corner up Holly Walk. I slowed down, counting in my head too. I stood still when I got to a hundred, standing behind a small tree, pretending to hide.

  I waited for Carl to come and find me. I waited and waited and waited. He must have gone the other way, Miranda’s way. He’d have caught her soon enough, and Paul too. So why weren’t they all coming to seek me out?

  I wished I had my mobile with me. I listened hard to see if I could hear them calling me. I couldn’t. I couldn’t hear anyone now. I wasn’t wearing a watch so I wasn’t sure what the time was, but I knew the gates would be closing soon. What if I got locked in? What if I had to spend all night circling the glasshouses in the dark, fumbling through the plants, stumbling in the silent groves until dawn.

  I called out, ‘Carl! Carl! Carl!’ My voice was high-pitched and panicky. I sounded like a bird calling in alarm. ‘Carl!’

  I was sure I’d been hiding at least ten minutes. I ran towards the Temperate House. It was still lit up, and I could see people inside. I stood there, taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. I was getting into a ridiculous state over nothing. Why did I have to be such a baby? If the others could see me now, how they would laugh at me.

  There was no one waiting at the entrance. I s
tood there, dodging out of the way whenever anyone needed to come out. People were looking at their watches and sighing. Where were the others? They couldn’t all be lost. They wouldn’t be so mean as to play a trick on me, would they? Why on earth had we all agreed to play such a silly game?

  I suddenly realized this mightn’t be the only entrance to such a large glasshouse.

  ‘Excuse me, is this the main entrance?’ I asked desperately, seizing hold of a couple.

  ‘I think there’s one on the other side too.’

  ‘Oh no!’ I thanked them and then started running all the way round the great glasshouse. More people were pouring out. There was someone using a loud-hailer, telling people that the Temperate House was about to close.

  ‘You’re going the wrong way, girlie, the gate’s down there.’

  ‘Yes, yes, but I’m meeting someone,’ I gasped, but I’d circled the whole glasshouse and there wasn’t a sign of Carl or Miranda or Paul.

  I didn’t know what to do. Jules was picking us up from the Victoria Gate. Should I make my way there by myself? But Carl had told me to meet up with him here.

  I stood still, my face screwed up, unable to decide. I felt tears welling and swallowed hard, scared I was going to start howling.

  ‘Are you all right, dear?’ a woman asked. She had fluffy hair and flowery trousers like Jules. I hung onto her for help.

  ‘I’ve lost my friends,’ I blurted out.

  ‘Oh well, I’m sure you’ll find them soon. Where were you supposed to meet them?’

  ‘Here! I think so, anyway. But they’ve been gone ages.’

  ‘Have you got a mobile phone?’

  ‘Yes, but I didn’t bring it with me.’

  ‘What about your friends, do they have mobiles?’

  ‘Carl does!’

  ‘Well, Harry, lend us your mobile a sec.’ She turned to her husband. ‘Come on, dear, your mobile.’

  He didn’t look too happy about handing it over to me. I dialled Carl’s number. I knew it by heart but I had to try it twice because my fingers were trembling so.

  His mobile was switched off.

  ‘Oh no, I can’t get through to him!’ The tears were starting to trickle down my cheeks.

  ‘What about the other friends?’

  ‘I could try Miranda. But I’m not sure I can remember her number.’

  I tried once but a total stranger answered.

  ‘Oh dear, maybe I’ve got the twos and threes muddled up.’

  I tried a different combination.

  ‘For goodness’ sake, how many friends are you going to try?’ Harry said impatiently.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s just I’m not sure of the number,’ I sniffed.

  ‘Stop bullying the poor little mite, Harry! Try again, dear. Take your time.’

  I tried once more. After three rings Miranda answered.

  ‘Yep?’

  ‘Oh, Miranda! Thank goodness! Where are you?’

  ‘Hey, hey, what’s up? Are you crying? What’s happened? First Paul goes all weird, then you. Where’s Carl?’

  ‘I don’t know! I’ve been looking and looking, going round and round the Temperate House but I couldn’t find any of you. Where are you now?’

  ‘We’re outside, Paul and me. We thought we’d push off by ourselves. Paul said it was cool with you. It is OK, isn’t it?’

  ‘But …’

  ‘We won’t go back with Carl’s mum, we’ll get the train, OK?’

  ‘But where is Carl? He said he’d come back for me but he isn’t anywhere. Oh, Miranda, don’t go!’

  ‘But we’re nearly at the station now. Paul, you pig, you said Sylvie wanted us to clear off. Paul? Stop it! Do you mind?’ Miranda giggled. ‘Hang on while I prise him off me.’

  ‘Does he know where Carl is?’

  ‘I don’t know and I don’t care,’ I heard Paul say.

  ‘What was that? Why’s he being like that?’

  ‘I think they’ve had some sort of fight,’ said Miranda.

  ‘What about?’

  ‘I don’t know. He won’t say. Us, maybe?’ said Miranda. ‘Anyway, I’m tired and my boots are rubbing and I got bored of stomping round the gardens—’

  ‘Look, you’ll really have to ring off now, this is costing us a fortune. Quarrel with your friends on your own phone,’ said Harry.

  Miranda giggled. ‘Who’s that? He sounds a royal pain. Anyway, I’ve got to go, Sylvie.’

  ‘But what will I do? Something might have happened to Carl.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. He’ll be by the gate, waiting. You go there too. Find his mum and go home together like good little kiddywinks. Bye!’

  The phone went dead. I didn’t dare try re-dialling on Harry’s phone. I gave it back, thanking his kind wife, and then I started running all the way back up Cherry Walk towards Victoria Gate. I peered around desperately as I went, calling for Carl whenever I could draw breath. There was still no sign of him.

  There was a little crowd of people near the gate, all saying their goodbyes. I dodged in and out of them, looking and looking, but still couldn’t see Carl.

  ‘Sylvie? Sylvie!’ There was Jules standing on the other side of the gate, looking anxious, her hair wilder than ever. ‘Oh, Sylvie, come on! Find the others and let’s go. I couldn’t find anywhere to park so I’ve left the car just up that street blocking someone’s drive. I’ll have to move it in a minute.’

  ‘But I can’t come! I’m not with the others. We all got lost. Miranda and Paul are OK, they’ve gone off to get the train, but I can’t find Carl anywhere. Oh, Jules, what are we going to do? I just know something terrible has happened to him.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Sylvie,’ Jules said briskly. ‘There he is, behind you!’

  I turned. There was Carl. I went limp with relief – until I saw his face. His eyes were red, his eyelashes spiky, his cheeks flushed. It was obvious he’d been crying.

  I KNEW THERE was no point asking Carl what was wrong. He sat in the back of the car, fists clenched, lips tightly pressed, frowning hard with the effort of keeping it all in. Jules tried to make cheery general conversation, peering at Carl in her rear-view mirror. He stared resolutely out of the window into the darkness outside.

  I tried reaching out to him, resting my hand on the seat between us. He didn’t respond. I tried nudging a little nearer but he tensed up even tighter. I sat staring at him miserably, trying to work out what had happened. He had been so happy and carefree wandering around all the glasshouses.

  I thought back to that moment only an hour ago when the four of us had held hands at the top of the Temperate House. Why had we all agreed to play that stupid game of Hide and Seek? It was all Paul’s idea, just so he could get Miranda on her own. Had Carl and Paul had some kind of argument over Miranda? But Carl didn’t really care about Miranda, even though she wanted him. Still, she seemed happy enough to clear off with Paul now. Why couldn’t Carl be happy with me?

  The moment Jules drove up outside our houses Carl leaped out of the car and ran up the path, his key in his hand. He didn’t say goodbye to me. He didn’t even turn round.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Jules, sighing. ‘Do you have any idea what’s happened, Sylvie?’

  ‘No,’ I said.

  Jules put her hand on my shoulder. ‘Sylvie, do you think …?’

  ‘What?’

  I heard her swallowing. I didn’t want her to say any more. I knew what she was going to suggest.

  ‘Don’t let’s talk about him. He’d so hate it,’ I said.

  ‘Yes, you’re right,’ said Jules.

  I mumbled a thank-you to her and went into my own house. I didn’t want to talk to my own mum either. She was on the computer, probably emailing Gerry. I shut myself in my room. I lay on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I thought of Paul and Miranda together. I thought of Carl alone in his bedroom, only a couple of metres away from me, yet he felt far away, in a different country altogether.

  I didn’t realize
I was crying until the tears started trickling sideways down my cheeks.

  Very early on Saturday morning I tried texting Carl.

  R U AWAKE?

  I tried every half-hour. I thought he was awake. I was sure I heard him opening his window. I tried opening mine, peering out. I couldn’t see Carl but I thought I heard the click-click of his computer. I tried calling softly but he didn’t reply.

  I went downstairs to the living room and typed on our computer:

  What happened, Carl? Have you and Paul had a fight? I don’t care, whatever it is, I swear I don’t, I just want to help. I can’t stand it when you’re unhappy. Please please please talk to me or write to me or text me.

  He emailed back five bleak little words:

  Please just leave me alone.

  I tried to do just that. I kept to myself. I went back to bed and didn’t get up till the afternoon. Miranda kept ringing but I didn’t want to talk to her. I switched my mobile off.

  ‘Are you having a mope, love?’ said Mum, coming into my room with a cup of coffee.

  ‘I’m just tired, Mum,’ I mumbled.

  I let my coffee go cold and put my head under my pillow, trying hard to tunnel my way back to sleep. I kept having weird half-waking dreams about Carl and Miranda and Paul, until I started banging my head, trying to dislodge them from my brain. I had a headache from crying and sleeping so long, and when I got up at last I found I had two huge new spots on my nose. It was the final indignity. I felt so tragic and I just looked comically ugly. I tried squeezing the spots and made them worse. I smothered them with thick foundation and turned into a clown – with spots.

  ‘Miranda’s on the phone again,’ Mum called.

  ‘Tell her I’ve gone out,’ I hissed.

  ‘You tell her,’ said Mum.

  ‘Oh for heaven’s sake, how can I if I’m pretending I’m not here!’ I shouted down.

  I knew Miranda might hear my voice in the background. I decided it was just too bad. I heard Mum mumbling some excuse on the phone. Then she came trekking up to my bedroom again.

  ‘Why don’t you want to talk to Miranda all of a sudden? I thought you two were such total bosom buddies?’

  ‘Mum! I can’t stick that expression. And as a matter of fact, I can’t stick Miranda right this minute,’ I said.