Cause to Hide

by Blake Pierce

  But the chance for that was gone. Rose had missed out on that perfect picture and Avery still blamed herself.

  “Mom?”

  “Sorry, Rose. I just don’t see your dad and I mending things, you know? Besides,” she added, and took a deep breath, bracing herself for Rose’s reaction, “maybe you aren’t the only one that’s met someone.”

  Rose turned to her, and Avery was relieved to see her smile. She looked to her mother with the sort of devilish grin girlfriends might share over cocktails while talking about men. It warmed Avery’s heart in a way she was not prepared for, nor could she explain.

  “What?” Rose asked, feigning shock. “You? Details, please.”

  “There are no details yet.”

  “Well, who is it?”

  Avery chuckled, realizing how silly it would seem. She almost didn’t say it. Hell, she had barely even told the guy how she felt. To voice it in front of her daughter would be a bit surreal.

  Still, she and Rose were making progress. No sense in stifling it because of her own embarrassment of having feelings for a man that was not Rose’s father.

  “It’s a man I work with. Ramirez.”

  “Have you guys hooked up?”

  “Rose!”

  Rose shrugged. “Hey…you wanted an open and honest relationship with your daughter, right?”

  “Yes, I suppose I do,” she said with a smile. “And no…we have not hooked up. But I’m sort of falling for him. He’s nice. Funny, sexy, and has this sort of charm to him that used to annoy me but now…it’s sort of appealing.”

  “Does he feel the same?” Rose asked.

  “He does. Or…he did. I think I blew it. He’s been patient but I think his patience ran out.” What she kept to herself was that she had made the decision to tell Ramirez how she felt but had not yet summoned up the nerve to do so.

  “Did you push him away?” Rose asked.

  Avery smiled.

  “Damn, you’re observant.”

  “I’m telling you…it’s genetics.”

  Rose grinned again, seeming to have forgotten about unpacking for the moment.

  “Go for it, Mom!”

  “Oh my God.”

  Rose laughed and Avery soon joined in. It was easily the most vulnerable they had been with one another since they had started working toward repairing their relationship. Suddenly, the idea of taking a step back from Homicide and taking some time off from work seemed like a necessity rather than just a hopeful idea.

  “Are you doing anything this weekend?” Avery asked.

  “Unpacking. Maybe a date with Ma—the guy who shall remain nameless for now.”

  “How about a girls’ day with your mom tomorrow? Lunch, a movie, pedicures.”

  Rose wrinkled her nose at the idea but then seemed to seriously consider it. “Do I get to choose the movie?”

  “If you must.”

  “Sounds like fun,” Rose said with an edge of excitement. “Count me in.”

  “Great,” Avery said. She then felt a prompting—a need to ask something that felt weird but something that would be pivotal to their relationship going forward. Knowing what she about to ask her daughter was humbling but also, in a very strange way, freeing.

  “So you’d be okay with me moving on?” Avery asked.

  “What do you mean?” Rose asked. “From Dad?”

  “Yes. From your dad and that whole part of my life—the part of my life that made things rough for all of us. A big part of me moving on from that is not being chained by the guilt of what might have been. And I have to move away from your dad for that. I’ll always love him and respect him for raising you while I wasn’t there but he’s a big part of the life that I need to get away from. Do you get that?”

  “I do,” Rose said. Her voice had gone soft and vulnerable again. Hearing it made Avery want to go over to the couch and hug her. “And you don’t need my permission, Mom,” Rose continued. “I know you’re trying. I can see it. I really can.”

  For the third time in fifteen minutes, Avery felt herself inching toward tears. She sighed, and pushed the urge to cry away.

  “How’d you turn out to be so good?” Avery asked.

  “Genetics,” Rose said. “You might have made some mistakes, Mom. But you’ve always been kind of a badass.”

  Before Avery had time to even form a response, Rose stepped forward and hugged her. It was a genuine embrace—something she had not felt from her daughter in quite a while.

  This time, Avery let the tears come.

  She could not remember the last time she had been quite this happy. For the first time in a very long time, she felt as if she were truly taking steps to escaping the mistakes of her past.

  A big part of that would be talking to Ramirez and letting him know that she was done with hiding what had been growing between them. She wanted to be with him—whatever that looked like. Suddenly, with her daughter’s arms around her, Avery could not wait to have that discussion with him.

  In fact, she hoped it went far beyond a discussion. She hoped they’d end up doing much more than simply talking, finally letting the tension that had been building between them have its way.

  CHAPTER TWO

  She met with Ramirez three hours later, just after his shift had ended. He’d answered her call eagerly enough but had sounded tired. That’s why they had elected to meet alongside the Charles River, on one of the many benches that overlooked it from the walking paths around the eastern lip of the river.

  As she strolled up to the bench they had agreed upon, she saw that he had just gotten there. He was sitting down, looking out across the river. The tiredness in his voice showed on his face. He looked peaceful, though. She’d noticed this about him on numerous occasions, how he would get silent and introspective whenever presented with a scenic view of the city.

  She approached him and he turned to her when he heard her footfalls. He flashed his winning smile and just like that, he no longer looked tired. One of the many things Avery liked about Ramirez was the way he made her feel whenever he looked at her. It was clear that there was more than simple attraction there; he looked at her with appreciation and respect. That, plus the fact that he told her that she was beautiful on a routine basis, made her feel safer and more desired than she could ever remember feeling.

  “Long day?” Avery asked him as she joined him on the bench.

  “Not really,” Ramirez said. “It was filled with busy work. Noise complaints. A fight at a bar that got a little bloody. And I shit you not, I even got a call about a dog that had chased a kid up a tree.”

  “A kid?”

  “A kid,” Ramirez said. “The glamorous life of a detective when the city is quiet and boring.”

  They both looked out over the river in a silence that, over the last few weeks, had started to grow comfortable. While they were not technically an item, they had come to appreciate the time together that wasn’t filled with talk just for the sake of talk. Slowly and deliberately, Avery reached over and took his hand.

  “Walk with me, would you?”

  “Sure,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze.

  Even hand holding was something monumental to Avery. She and Ramirez held hands frequently and had kissed briefly on a few occasions—but intentionally holding his hand was out of her comfort zone.

  But it’s getting comfortable, she thought as they started walking. Hell, it’s been comfortable for some time now.

  “Are you okay?” Ramirez asked.

  “I am,” she said. “I had a really good day with Rose.”

  “Things finally starting to feel normal there?” he asked.

  “Far from normal,” Avery said. “But it’s getting there. And speaking of getting there…”

  She paused, confused why it was so hard for her to say what she wanted to say. Due to her past, she knew she was emotionally strong…so why was it so hard to actually express herself when it was important?

  “This is going to sound cheesy,�
�� Avery said. “So please bear with me and keep my extreme vulnerability in mind.”

  “Okay…” Ramirez said, clearly confused.

  “I’ve known for quite some time that I need to make some changes. A big part of that came in trying to fix things with Rose. But there are other things, too. Things I’ve been almost frightened to admit to myself.”

  “Like what?” Ramirez said.

  She could tell that he was getting a little uncomfortable. They’d been transparent with one another before, but never quite to this extent. This was much harder than she had expected.

  “Look…I know I’ve basically ruined things between us,” Avery said. “You showed extreme patience and understanding as I worked through my crap. And I know I kept luring you in a little at a time only to push you away.”

  “That would be accurate, yes,” Ramirez said with a bit of humor.

  “I can’t apologize enough for that,” Avery said. “And if you could find it in your heart to look past my hesitancy and my fears…I’d really like to have another chance.”

  “A chance for what?” Ramirez said.

  He’s going to make me come out and say it, she said. And I kind of deserve this treatment.

  The evening was unraveling into dusk and there were only a scant few people out along the sidewalks and trails that wound around the river. It was a picturesque scene, like something out of one of those movies she usually hated to watch.

  “A chance for us,” Avery said.

  Ramirez stopped walking but kept her hand in his. He looked to her with his dark brown eyes and held her gaze. “It can’t be a chance,” he said. “It has to be a real thing. A surefire thing. I can’t keep having you push and push, always keeping me guessing.”

  “I know.”

  “So if you can let me know what you mean by us, then I’ll consider it.”

  She couldn’t tell if he was being serious or just trying to give her a hard time. She broke their eye contact and gave his hands a squeeze.

  “Damn,” she said. “You’re going to make this hard on me, aren’t you?”

  “Well, I think I—”

  She interrupted him by pulling him to her and kissing him. In the past, their kisses had been brief, awkward, and filled with her usual hesitancy. But now she lost herself to it. She drew him as close as their bodies would allow and kissed him with the most passion she’d put into any sort of physical contact since the last happy year of marriage with Jack.

  Ramirez didn’t bother trying to fight it. She knew he had been wanting this for a while now and she could feel the eagerness running through him.

  They kissed like love-struck teenagers by the side of the Charles River. It was a soft yet heated kiss that thrummed with the sexual frustration that had been blooming between them for several months.

  When their tongues met, Avery felt a surge of energy pass through her—energy that she knew she wanted to use up in a very certain way.

  She broke the kiss and leaned her forehead into his. They looked to one another for several seconds in that posture, enjoying the silence and the weight of what they had just done. A line had been crossed. And in the tense silence, they both sensed that there were still many more to cross.

  “You’re sure about this?” Ramirez asked.

  “I am. And I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.”

  He drew her close and hugged her. She felt something like relief in his body, like a huge weight had been lifted from him.

  “I’d like to give it a try,” Ramirez said.

  He broke the hug and kissed her again, softly, on the side of the mouth.

  “I think we need to celebrate the occasion. You want to get dinner?”

  She sighed and gave a shaky smile. She had already broken through an emotional barrier by confessing her feelings to him. What harm could it do to continue being blatantly honest with him now?

  “I do think we need to celebrate,” she said. “But right now, at this very moment, I’m not too interested in dinner.”

  “So what do you want to do?” he asked.

  His obliviousness was beyond charming. She leaned in and whispered into his ear, enjoying the feel of him against her and the smell of his skin.

  “Let’s go to your place.”

  He pulled away and looked at her with the same seriousness as before, but now there was something else there, too. It was something she had seen in his eyes from time to time—something that looked very much like excitement and was born out of a physical need.

  “Yeah?” he said uncertainly.

  “Yeah,” she said.

  As they hurried across the grass, toward the parking lot where they had both parked their cars, they were giggling like children. It was fitting, as Avery could not recall the last time she had felt so liberated, excited, and free.

  ***

  The passion they had experienced while along the river was still there as Ramirez unlocked his apartment door. There was a part of Avery that wanted to jump him right there and then, before he even had time to shut the door behind him. They’d lightly pawed at one another the whole ride to his place and now that they were there, Avery felt like they were on the precipice of something monumental.

  When Ramirez closed the door and locked it, Avery was surprised when he didn’t come to her right away. Instead, he walked through the living room and into his modest kitchen, where he poured himself a glass of water.

  “Water?” he asked.

  “No thanks,” she said.

  He drank from his glass and looked out the kitchen window. Night had fallen and the city lights sparkled through the glass.

  Avery joined him in the kitchen and playfully took the glass of water from him. “What’s the matter?” she asked.

  “I don’t want to say,” he said.

  “Do you…well, have you changed your mind about me?” she asked. “Did all the waiting make you stop wanting me?”

  “God no,” he said. He put his arms around her waist and she could see him trying to form the right words.

  “We can wait,” she said, hoping he wouldn’t take her up on it.

  “No,” he said, a little urgently. “It’s just….shit, I don’t know.”

  This was a surprise to Avery. With all of his masterful flirtation and seductive talk over the last few months, she was sure he would have been a little aggressive when and if the time ever came. But right now, he seemed unsure of himself—almost nervous.

  She leaned in and kissed the corner of his jaw. He sighed and leaned in against her.

  “What is it?” she asked, her lips brushing his skin as she spoke.

  “It’s just that this is real now, you know? This isn’t just some one-night stand. This is for real. I care about you a lot, Avery. I really do. And I don’t want to rush things.”

  “We’ve been dancing around this for the last four months,” she said. “I don’t think that’s rushing.”

  “Good point,” he said. He kissed her on the cheek, then on the little bit of shoulder her T-shirt was showing. His lips then found her neck and when he kissed her there, she thought she might collapse to the floor right on the spot, pulling him down with her.

  “Ramirez?” she said, still playfully refusing to use his first name.

  “Yeah?” he asked, his face still brushing against her neck and applying kisses.

  “Take me to the bedroom.”

  He pulled her close, hoisted her up, and allowed her to wrap her legs around his waist. They started kissing then and he obeyed her. He slowly carried her to the bedroom and by the time he shut the bedroom door, Avery was so lost in the moment that she never even heard it close.

  All she was aware of was his hands, his mouth, his well-toned body pressing against hers as he laid her down on the bed.

  He broke their kiss long enough to ask: “Are you sure about this?”

  And if she needed one more reason to want him, that was it. He genuinely cared about her and did not want to ruin what they ha
d.

  She nodded and pulled him down onto her.

  And then for a while, she was not a frustrated Homicide detective or a struggling mother, or a daughter who had watched her mother die at her father’s hands. She was just Avery Black then…a woman like any other woman, enjoying the pleasures life had to offer.

  She’d almost forgotten what that was like.

  And once she started to get acquainted with them, she vowed to herself that she would never allow herself to forget them again.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Avery opened her eyes and looked at the unfamiliar ceiling over her head. The muted light of dawn came in through the bedroom window, spilling across her mostly naked body. It also painted Ramirez’s naked back beside her. She turned over slightly and smiled sleepily. He was still asleep, his face turned away from her.

  They’d made love twice the night before, taking two hours between each session to make a quick dinner and discuss how sleeping together could complicate their working relationship if they weren’t careful. It had been close to midnight when they had finally drifted off side by side. Avery had been drowsy and could not remember when she’d fallen asleep but she did remember his arm around her waist.

  She wanted that again…that feeling of being wanted and being secure. She thought about running her fingertips along the base of his spine (as well as a few other places, perhaps) just to wake him up so he could hold her.

  But she did not get the chance. The text alarm of her phone went off. So did Ramirez’s. They pinged together, an occasion that could only mean one thing: it was work-related.

  Ramirez sat up quickly. When he did, the sheet slid off of him and revealed everything. Avery snuck a peek, unable to resist herself. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and looked at it with bleary eyes. While he did this, Avery retrieved her own phone from the pile of clothes on the floor.

  The text was from Dylan Connelly, the A1 Homicide Supervisor. In Connelly’s typical fashion, the message was direct and to the point:

  Body discovered. Burned badly. Maybe trauma to head.