Uchronie

by Richardson, Ian

Behind the stage, he pulled open a riveted metal door that led to the hot, dirty furnace room where I had first boarded the Uchronie.

  ‘Ah, now I begin to understand the Uchronie’s layout.’ I said. ‘If only I could get to grips with Biffo‘s methods.’

  ‘Suffice to say Biffo breaks the unbreakable bonds of gravity using Einsteinian steam age physics.’ said Wright as we entered. ‘He caught the bombs in the mists of time.’

  ‘More like… caught them in the nick of time.’ growled Wayne. ‘What took you so long with that steam hose? You’ve used Biffo’s novelty egg timer before. I thought we were goners there.’

  ‘It’s easier catching lightning in a bottle than it is controlling Biffo’s contraptions.’ said Captain Wright. ‘I thought you’d be grateful.’

  ‘I am grateful the bleedin’ bombs didn’t go off.’ hissed Wayne holding up one finger and putting it to his lips. ‘Now let’s have some shush gentlemen. Dwayne is learning how to tie his bootlaces.’

  ‘Is it left over right, then right over left?’ asked Dwayne, scratching his Burberry baseball cap.

  # One minute and thirty seconds #

  ‘Nah.’ said Wayne, shaking his head. ‘That was the one I showed you yesterday, mate. That was a reef knot… remember?’

  ‘Oh right, reef knot.’ said Dwayne. ’Over under and under over. What’s that used for again?’

  ‘We used them to tie up the party banners.’ said Wayne, looking through door we’d come through. ‘And they’re still up… even after being machine gunned and bombed. What you need is a bow knot, a double slipped, reef knot.’

  # One minute and fifteen seconds #

  ‘How do I do that then?’ asked Dwayne.

  ‘Make your bunny ears and tie the two of them in a half hitch.’ said Wayne.’ One in your left hand and one in your right hand and then pull them through each other.’

  ‘That’s unpossible.’ said Dwayne, throwing down the untied laces.

  ‘No it isn’t.’ said Wayne, soothingly. ‘Just try it.’

  ‘I can’t go left and right at the same time.’ complained Dwayne.

  ‘Correct! You can’t.’ said Wayne, calmly. ‘But a pair of shoelaces can.’

  # One minute and counting #

  ‘Hurry up.’ said Captain Wright. ’We’re running out of time. Why is he putting on his boots anyway?’

  ‘He has to go outside and take the cover off the SOLE gun.’ said Wayne, after ten seconds spent glaring at Captain Wright. ‘That’s his forward position in the C.R.E.D.I.T.S. program.’

  # Forty Five seconds #

  ‘Just loop the right bow round the left bow.’ said Captain Wright. ‘‘Biffo’s contrivance will only delay the inevitable for another minute. Besides, a stray bullet from one of these planes could set the bombs off at any moment. Commander DeBlanc wants both of you to proceed to your forward stations… NOW.’

  ‘Oh! I’ll never get the hang of this.’ said Dwayne, giving up on the right boot and trying the left,

  ‘Dwayne! Just go outside and get the gun ready.’ shouted Captain Wright. ’Quickly! This isn’t the time or place to learn how to tie your bootlaces.’

  ‘Alrighty right Wright.’ said Wayne, handing Dwayne a pair of rubber boots and opening a door to the dark sky outside. ‘Keep calm and carry on Captain. We’ll try again later, Dwayne.’

  An icy blast of air from the open door tore the heat out of the furnace room and made the flames roar in the fresh oxygen.

  ‘There ain’t no need to shout.’ said Dwayne, slipping on the boots and glowering at Captain Wright as he stepped outside. ‘As you can see I am now going to my forward position where I will proceed to take the cover off the S.O.L.E. gun.’

  # Thirty seconds #

  ‘Right, Nate. Now we can get back to DeBlanc.’ said Captain Wright.

  ‘You’ve played cards wif us before ‘aven’t you Nate?’ asked Wayne, as we turned to leave.

  ‘Only in my dreams.’ I said, rather puzzled at my response.

  ‘Good enough for me.’ said Wayne. ‘There’s a game in the rest and recreation area later. Maybe we’ll see you there.’

  ‘Bring your blank card.’ shouted Dwayne from outside.’ You’ll need it.’

  # Twenty seconds #

  ‘These two are impossible.' I said, wondering what had just happened.

  'We have to get back to DeBlanc.’ said Captain Wright, pulling me out of the roaring furnace room. ‘It’s time to go beyond the impossible.’

  ‘How long now?’ I asked.

  ‘The installation says it’s 99% loaded.’ said DeBlanc, tapping his green lit tachyscreen. ’But it’s been saying that for the last one and a half minutes.’

  Out on the dance floor Biffo’s magnetic steam sphere shimmered, sagged and sank to the floor like a collapsing marquee, pulling the suspended bombs down with it. They slid down through the dissolving orb until their triggers were one centimeter from the dance floor.

  'If one of these pressure triggers touches the floor it will explode and set off all the rest.’ shouted Captain Wright, as the tannoy went into its final countdown.

  #10 # 9 # 8 # 7 # 6 # 5 #

  # 4 #

  # 3 #

  # 2 #

  # 1 #

  # # Next Episode: The Last Final Countdown.

  Released January 3, 2013.

  The Very Last Final Countdown.

  In which Nate lives through ten seconds that seem like ten lifetimes and experiences yet another of Biffo’s curious distortions.

  I still couldn’t understand how the six Nazi bombs had been trapped inside Biffo’s peculiar steam sphere by a mysterious manipulation of magnetic surface tension. However, everyone understood that this curious tension would not hold forever. This was the single fact that the harsh, metallic, voice of the tannoy kept reminding us of, as it continued its relentless countdown towards our doom.

  # 10 #

  ‘There’s still time to abandon ship.’ I said, looking out the furnace door that was open to the S.O.L.E gun and the starry sky outside.

  ‘Hold your forward positions.’ said DeBlanc, rubbing the zigzag scar on his cheek. ‘Remember, a watched kettle never boils.’

  Something fractured beneath us and a huge burst of steam ripped up through the damaged dance floor tossing party hats, red balloons and chunks of parquet flooring into the air. They bounced off Biffo’s quivering sphere and the bombs slid even closer to the floor.

  ‘Right! That’s it! Time I left.’ I said, heading towards the door.

  ‘Nate is correct, sir.’ said Captain Wright, addressing Commander DeBlanc directly. ‘It’s time we left. There’s no point in staying here to be blown to pieces. It’s your prerogative if you want to go down with your ship.’

  A bullet riddled pipe, on the far wall, fractured with a loud bang and another cloud of steam hissed into the ruined hall.

  ‘I have been in worse situations than this.’ muttered DeBlanc, still rubbing his cheek. ‘However, scars have the power to remind us of the past and, I must say… on this occasion, Nate may be right. We shall all make haste to the control room. Bring the black box with you Captain Wright.’

  # 9 #

  As we all hurried through the furnace room, Captain Wright pulled a black attaché case off the wall.

  ‘Where the bleedin’ ‘ell are you going with the Eye Key?’ shouted Wayne, as everyone ran past. ‘Lummie. Is everyone scarpering for the exits?’

  ‘We are repairing to the control room.’ said DeBlanc. ‘A strategic withdrawal. You are to remain here with Dwayne until he gets the cover off the S.O.L.E. gun.’

  ‘Typical innit.’ said Wayne, throwing Captain Wright a clipboard. ‘Ere’s the instructions for the Eye Key box, mate… you’ve got less than ten seconds to read the whole thing.’

  ‘You’ve done this before.’ said Captain Wright, as the huge brass pistons lifted us, smoothly, towards the luminous roof of the chamber.

  ‘Just once… with Lolly.’ I said, watc
hing the massive brass wheel above as we rose up to the control room together. Steam hissed from the pipes around us and burst out alarmingly.

  # 8 #

  ‘Hellfire and damnation’ shouted DeBlanc, furiously tapping his tachyscreen as he arrived beside us on the slowly rotating wheel. ‘My handheld has gone on the blink. Captain Wright… what time do you have?’

  Captain Wright’s reply was lost among clouds of blue vapour as he disappeared into the tunnel, but the tannoy continued to shriek above the clatter of brass cogs and gears.

  # 5 #

  ‘What happened to seven and six?’ demanded DeBlanc, as he was carried into the dark tunnel. ’Perhaps our number really is up this time.’

  ‘My difference engines aren’t always one hundred percent accurate.’ said Captain Wright, apologetically.

  ‘Nate. Where is that posy of mauve carnations you had when you came aboard?’ demanded DeBlanc, as we emerged from the narrow passageway.

  ‘It’s in my cabin.’ I said, hopping from rising brass piston to gyratory wheel.

  ‘It seems to have brought us fantastically bad luck.’ he said. ‘Regardless of what Lolly said about its special properties.’

  # 7 #

  ‘Or perhaps fantastially good luck.’ I said, catching a trace of Lolly’s perfume that still lingered in Holon’s tunnel. ‘We seem to be back on track.’

  The gliding machinery slid us out on to the upper deck.

  ‘It’s in here.’ said Captain Wright pushing open a polished wooden door to the control room.

  ‘I know.’ I said, ‘I’ve…’

  ‘… been here before with Lolly.’ he said, finishing my sentence.

  ‘What took you so long?’ demanded Corporal Price, taking the black box from Captain Wright and ripping the lid off. I observed that the case contained two brass cylinders, several thin silver pipes and a huge assortment of peculiarly shaped gold parts.

  ‘Why have you brought the Eye-Key-A?’ groaned DeBlanc, looking down in dismay at the vast array of pieces. ‘The Eye-Key-B is much easier to assemble.’

  ‘Don’t worry.’ said Corporal Price, laying out several pieces on the console beside DeBlanc’s Angrec orchid. ‘I can put an Eye-Key-A together in ten seconds… blindfolded.’

  So saying, Corporal Price, armourer extraordinaire, set about assembling this fantastic device with the greatest rapidity. Two large brass cylinders, the size and shape of two litre lemonade bottles, made up the body of the contrivance. These two sealed tubes were joined together by a tangle of thin copper pipes that had to be screwed into place at various sockets along their length.

  # 6 #

  A huge black number six appeared on the large tachyscreen, obscuring the closed circuit picture of the bombs hovering in the great hall.

  ‘Well at least the main screen is still working,’ said DeBlanc, taking up his position at the helm, ‘and Dwayne has finally got the cover off the S.O.L.E. gun. Events may be turning in our favor after all.’

  With smooth efficiency Corporal Price fitted a metal handle, inlaid with dragons, to the bottom of the twin cylinders and attached a, pencil slim, sighting tube to the other side.

  ‘I have allowed a ten seconds margin for error.’ said DeBlanc, checking on Corporal Price’s progress. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘All clocks are showing two o’clock.’ said Captain Wright, surveying the many timepieces in the control room. ‘That’s too tight Commander. We need a three hour safety gap.’

  ‘We must carry out our action.’ said DeBlanc. ‘We are out of time.’

  Several other crew joined us in the control room as I listened to the planes buzzing behind us like a swarm of angry hornets.

  ‘Prepare to fire.’ announced DeBlanc. ‘The enemy are gathering for another assault. Open the forward viewing portal.’

  ‘This I must see.’ I said. ‘How will that tiny gun be of any use against a whole squadron of planes, especially if they continue to attack from behind?’

  ‘They have formed an attack formation.’ said DeBlanc, ignoring me. ‘But they hesitate… unsure why their bombs haven’t blown us out of the sky. They observe us from a distance and we observe them... How long now?’

  # 5 #

  'We have exactly 15 seconds left to lock and load.’ said Captain Wright, consulting his wristwatch. ‘Our 15 seconds of fame.’

  ‘We shall know when they make their move.’ said Corporal Price, glancing up at the tachyscreen as a hushed silence fell over the control room. Apart from the gentle hiss of steam from the console, the only noise that could be heard was a click, clack, clatter, as he assembled the, ludicrously elaborate, Eye-Key-A.

  I sighed with frustration.

  ‘Daddy always leaves it to the last possible second before taking action.’ sighed Lolly, who was standing beside her father, looking weary. ‘And Biffo’s experimental equipment goes wrong sometimes – well… often, really! Things are always a bit less silky smooth than they should be.’

  ‘I just have to zero the sights.’ said Corporal Price, adjusting the green crystal eyepiece.

  # 4 #

  Each second seemed like a lifetime

  # 3 #

  The universe held its breath.

  # 2 #

  ‘All… done.’ said Corporal Price, holding up the double barreled weapon and cocking it with a final flourish. ‘Locked and loaded.’

  The giant tachyscreen turned amber and, without warning, alarm klaxons began to blare.

  # 1 #

  The control room darkened and, silently, a single white petal fell from DeBlanc’s orchid and drifted down on to the hot plate where it lay wreathed in celestial light.

  ‘Action Stations.’ shouted DeBlanc into his voice tube. ‘Is the steam on full reverse?’

  There was an agonising silence as he waited on a reply from the boiler room.

  Another lifetime passed.

  ‘Yes sir. Full reverse.’ Wayne’s muffled reply was almost lost among the roar of pounding pistons and hissing steam.

  ‘Clear the forward area.’ ordered DeBlanc. ’We are about to punch back.’

  I could hear the Jericho sirens of several planes hurtling down on us with their 50 mil cannons blazing. They were determined to set off the bombs trapped in Biffo’s steam o'sphere.

  ‘Everybody get down and hold your breath.’ ordered DeBlanc. ‘If my calculations are correct… this sequence is about to come to an end.’

  Everyone gulped in a lungful of air and squatted down; eyes glued to the huge screen.

  ‘Spray the Actaeon mist.’ shouted DeBlanc.

  Corporal Price pulled the Eye-Key-A’s gold trigger and the control room was instantly filled with the same luminous steam that I had first observed in the Great Hall.

  Through this haze, the images from the great hall shimmered as if the big tachyscreen was failing now as well.

  And then, abruptly, the six bombs vanished.

  Biffo’s trembling sphere collapsed and huge globules of water splattered across the dance floor.

  ‘What happened?’ I gasped, turning swiftly to the forward portal where I was confronted with another amazing sight.

  The Uchronie was now behind the huge squadron of enemy planes.

  Out of the blue, the six bombs from the great hall materialized among them.

  ‘FIRE.’ roared Commander DeBlanc as a single flash from the S.O.L.E. gun exploded the six bombs simultaneously and the enemy planes disintegrated. Everyone of them was blown out of the sky with one shot.

  ‘That gave them a taste of their own medicine.’ said Doctor Mentor, as shrapnel like debris clattered off the forward blast shields.

  ‘We have avenged the deaths of our fellow crewmen.’ said Corporal Price, switching off his device.

  ‘That was not vengeance; that was punishment.’ said DeBlanc. ‘Credit is due to the forward crew for their outstanding performance.’

  ‘We’ll be up in a tick.’ shouted Wayne, through the voice tube.

  ‘
What happened?’ I asked, still bewildered. ‘I can’t believe what I just saw.’

  ‘…a’ light speed, you’re like… light… n’that…’ said Biffo. ‘use ‘nom lies... blah blah blah.’

  ‘What’s he saying?’ I asked. ‘I can never understand a word Biffo says.’

  ‘It’s quite simple.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘When you approach the speed of light, you become the light. Time slows down according to Einsteinian, steam age, relativity.’