Uchronie

by Richardson, Ian

  ‘I’ve had this whole conversation with you before.’ I said.

  ‘I don’t think so… you must have dreamt it.’ said Lolly. ‘You really are such an interesting fellow Nate.’

  ‘Why did Wayne say I was a causality?’ I asked.

  ‘Wayne sometimes gets his words wrong.’ said Lolly. ‘But usually he’s spot on. Don’t spend hours worrying about it. We could talk all night, but it’s late, between mercury and moon at least. It’ll be dawn before we get to sleep…But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?’

  ‘It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.’ I said.

  ‘Very good.' continued Lolly. 'Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon. Who is already sick and pale with grief. That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she. Be not her maid, since she is envious. Her vestal livery is but sick and green. And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off. It is my lady; O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks... yet she says nothing! What of that?’

  ‘You really know your Shakespeare.’ I said, looking again at the posy of carnations in the coronation mug. There was something wrong there.

  ‘I only know some of the famous quotes.' I said. 'What’s in a name, that which we call a rose…’

  ‘… by any other name would smell as sweet.’ said Lolly immediately.

  ‘I broke that coronation mug last night!’ I said, looking at my shining posy of carnations. ‘I know I did.’

  ‘Maybe it was another mug.’ said Lolly.

  ‘I don’t think there’s another one like it in the world.’ I said, examining it closely. ‘And why is it trembling like that?'

  ‘It’s just the Uchronie’s natural vibration.’ said Lolly.

  ‘But the floor isn’t trembling.’ I said. ‘The walls aren’t shaking. Nothing is vibrating except the mug. I know I broke it last night, I remember waking up on the floor surrounded by the debris.’

  As I spoke the coronation mug slowly separated into trembling pieces that shivered together in mid air with the posy of mauve carnations suspended inside them.

  Next Episode ‘Curiouser and curio user - said Lolly.’ released January 14, 2013.

  ‘Curiouser and Curio user.’ said Lolly.

  Nate is bewildered by a continuing series of unusual events but discovers that the ever resourceful Lolly has a few tricks up her sleeve.

  I wondered what was happening as my trembling Coronation mug slowly broke apart in mid air. The posy of mauve carnations I had been given by the orphan girl at Lakehurst glowed fresh and bright amidst the hovering pieces, with no visible means of support.

  Abruptly the shivering fragments crashed down and slithered across the floor like worms.

  ‘How did that happen?’ I asked, as the shards formed the outline of a body on the floor. ‘That’s where I lay unconscious last night.’

  ‘Don’t worry.’ said Lolly, stepping over the outlined body. ‘I’ve seen this happening before. The maneuver that daddy used to defeat the enemy planes has caused time to go backwards.’

  ‘Really!’ I gasped. ‘We’re really going backwards in time?’

  ‘Well… hypothetically.’ said Lolly.

  ‘Can’t you do something about it?’

  ‘Time won’t do what I tell it to.’ said Lolly. ‘The best thing we can do is stay here, have another cup of coffee, and wait for Biffo.’

  ‘I can’t imagine how that will help.’ I said. ‘Hypothetically… or otherwise.’

  ‘Oh… Imagine a world without hypothetical situations.’ said Lolly with a smile. ‘How can I explain? When time is tearing itself to pieces… you should stand still.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Daddy defeated the enemy planes using Biffo’s reverse time maneuver.’ said Lolly. ‘Captain Wright knew it was risky because we didn’t have the three hour safety gap that we needed. I can’t explain it in detail but, in my mind; I imagine the arrow of time is swinging around, not sure which way it should be pointing.’

  ‘So what time is it?’ I asked

  ‘Relatively speaking, it’s coffee time.’ said Lolly, adding more water to the Italian coffee maker. ‘Let’s go back for seconds… and maybe thirds… and even fourths.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.’ said Lolly, smiling again.

  ‘What?’ I said, scratching my head.

  ‘I’m trying to make a joke about a bad situation.’ said Lolly, as the Italian twin pot coffee maker began to steam. ‘But I think Wayne is right about you being a causality. You seem to be a bit mixed up.’

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘Stop saying ‘What?’ all the time.’ said Lolly, exasperatedly.

  ‘Why?’

  Lolly groaned.

  ‘Sorry.’ I said.

  ‘It’s alright; it’s not your fault. You breathed in some of Biffo’s Net10 steam in the great hall.’ said Lolly. ‘Captain Wright rescued you as soon as he could, but some of it has got into your system.’

  ‘But how does that affect my coronation mug?’ I asked.

  ‘There are two things happening here.’ said Lolly. ‘One is Daddy’s time reverse maneuver that is affecting everything. The other is that you aren’t functioning properly because you breathed in the luminous steam.’

  ‘When will things return to normal?’ I asked.

  ‘Well now… whatever normal is… that’s a different question.’ said Lolly. ‘The best thing we can do is wait for Biffo. He’ll sort this out in less than no time.’

  ‘As quickly as that. ‘I said, walking over to the door. ‘Shouldn’t we go and look for him?’

  ‘We’re not in any great danger.’ said Lolly. ‘It’s best if we stay here. According to the Theory of Searches it will be easier for him to find us if we don’t move.’

  ‘The Theory of Searches?’ I said, ‘ I really am having difficulty understanding what you are talking about.’

  ‘It‘s quite simple.’ said Lolly. ‘If two people are searching for each other, they are more likely to find each other if one of them stands still.’

  ‘Are you sure Biffo is looking for us?’

  ‘Yes I’m sure.’ said Lolly. ‘He’ll be trying to deal with all the anomalies that the time reversal is creating. We may not be top of his list.’

  ‘I think I understand why my mug broke before it fell.’ I said, looking at the pieces still writhing on the bathroom floor. ‘But why isn’t everything going backwards?’

  ‘Objects new to the Uchronie are affected the most.’ said Lolly, following me into the bathroom. ‘Most especially you, because you breathed in the steam.’

  ‘Am I going to go back to Roman times?’ I asked, wiping mist off the bathroom mirror to check that I wasn‘t disappearing. ‘Or back among the dinosaurs?’

  ‘Well that would take thousands of years.’ said Lolly. ‘Normally time slips backwards at the same rate that it goes forwards.’

  ‘Normally?’

  ‘Yes. The time stream can get confused. It’s, erm… never odd or even. ’ said Lolly, stepping backwards out of the bathroom to switch off the coffee pot.

  ‘Especially if Biffo has been messing about with it.’

  ‘Will I go back to Roman times?’ I asked.

  ‘I think you’d really like to go back to Roman times.’ said Lolly. ‘You keep on mentioning them.’

  ‘I’d love to.’ I said. ‘It’s my favorite period in history.’

  ‘You’d have to learn to speak Latin.’ said Lolly. ‘Sator arepo tenet opera rotas.’

  ‘What does that mean?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s a group of words that can be read in four directions.’ said Lolly, writing the words on the steamed up part of the mirror. ‘Look.’

  SATOR

  AREPO

  TENET

  OPERA

  ROTAS

  ‘A palindrome.’ I said.

  ‘Yes.’ said Lolly. ’A very special one. Palindromes are useful when time is messed up. They make
sense… no matter which way round you read them.’

  ‘Like racecar. ‘I said, ‘That’s the same backwards as forwards.’

  ’Yes.’ said Lolly. ‘There are lots of palindromes. Can you think of any more?’

  ‘I think we should be doing something better with whatever time we have than wasting it spouting riddles.’ I said.

  ‘Time is so lost just now, there’s no point in looking for it.’ said Lolly, pouring two coffees. ‘It’s coffee time. Relax.’

  ‘Will I get younger?’ I asked, checking myself in the mirror again.

  ‘No. You’re not going to turn into a teenager,’ said Lolly, ‘and you‘re not going to shrink! Your head will stay the same size.’

  ‘What? How can you be sure?’

  ‘Stand still and look at yourself in the mirror.’ said Lolly.

  I stood in front of the mirror.

  ‘Now mark the top of your head and the bottom of your chin.’ said Lolly. ‘Go on. Make a mark on the mirror.’

  I reached forward and made two marks on the mirror.

  ‘OK now move away.’ said Lolly. ‘And you’ll see that your head still fits between the two marks.’

  ‘How does that work?’ I asked, walking backwards across the bathroom. Wherever I stood, my head fitted between the two marks that I had made.

  ‘You’re always the same size on a mirror.’ said Lolly. ‘Biffo taught me that, when I first came aboard the Uchronie. Any more questions?’

  ‘What if I go back in time and kill my own grandfather?’ I asked.

  ‘Why on earth would you want to do that?’ asked Lolly. ‘Don’t you like him?’

  ‘Hypothetically.’ I said. ‘What would happen?’

  ‘Well, of course, you can… hypothetically… kill your grandfather.’ said Lolly. ‘The key word is CAN. There’s nothing to stop you. But can you alter his date of death? Can you alter all the things he did after you killed him, but before he actually died?’

  ‘Maybe it would cause another alternate timeline.’ I said. ‘Maybe... another universe.’

  ‘Ah, yes… the multi-verse.’ said Lolly, ‘Biffo talks about that, and CTC’s and worldlines. I don’t understand any of it but I can show you I deal with effect before cause.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Well…’ said Lolly, casually picking up my deck of cards. ‘I can predict which card you’ll choose. Pick a card, any card.’

  ‘Card tricks?' I said, carefully sliding out a card and hiding the nine of clubs in my palm.

  ‘Your card is a soldier.’ said Lolly.

  ‘A soldier?’

  ‘Clubs are soldiers, spades are gardeners, diamonds are courtiers and hearts are royalty.’ said Lolly. ‘And your soldier is number nine.’

  ‘Well, you are right.’ I said, showing her the nine of clubs. ‘How did you do that?’

  ‘I can see the effect before the cause. ’ said Lolly, spreading the cards out beside the coffee maker. ‘So I can predict any card you care to choose.’

  I pointed to the card nearest to me.

  ‘Royalty… Lady… It’s the Queen of Hearts.’ said Lolly.

  I turned over the Queen of Hearts.

  ‘I can’t understand how you’re doing that.’ I said, ‘You must be some kind of magician.’

  ‘No I’m not.’ said Lolly. ‘But I do understand the basics of time flow.’

  ‘What’s this one then?’ I asked, pointing to another card.

  ‘Oh, I’m not getting anything.’ said Lolly, concentrating on the card. ‘Not soldiers, not spades. Not... Ah I know what it is. It’s the blank card that Wayne gave you.’

  I flipped the card over.

  She was right again.

  Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

  Tarrattattarrat.

  I went and answered it, but there was no one there.

  I was about to close the door when I saw Wayne running down the corridor.

  ‘Oh dear, oh dear, I shall be too late.’ he muttered to himself, checking the pocket watch in his waistcoat

  I watched him run up to the door.

  ‘Here’s your door key.’ he said, smiling with large white teeth.

  ‘It’s alright.’ I said, taking the curious little key from him. ‘I found mine.’

  ‘This is a skeleton key. I’ll leave it in case you need It.’ said Wayne, looking up and down the long, tunnel like, corridor. ‘Which way? Which way?’

  As I closed the door I remembered that I was going to ask him about the card game.

  I opened the door, but he had vanished.

  ‘Curiouser and curio ser.’ said Lolly, taking the tiny key from me and looking up the empty corridor. ‘Events are getting really confused. We need to try to get some sleep.’

  ‘Alright.’ I said, closing the bathroom door. ‘I’ll wash my face and brush my teeth.’

  Almost immediately there was a knock on the bathroom door.

  Tattarrarrattat.

  ‘Who's there?’ I asked, as I washed my face.

  ‘The Time Traveller.’ said a man’s voice.

  ‘The Time Traveller who?’ I asked, convinced that it was Wayne.

  ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘What? Just a minute.’ I said, throwing my towel into the laundry basket. ' That's not...'

  Suddenly, a fireman in yellow waterproofs smashed through the bathroom door with an axe.

  ‘Temp firemen Wolflow at your service.’ he said. ‘Knock! Knock! Where’s the fire?’

  ‘What on earth are you doing?’ I shouted, as three more firemen squeezed through the hole in the door into the tiny bathroom. ‘There’s no fire in here!’

  ‘Yes there is. We’ve had a report of a sparking bell and a leaking gas pot.’ said fireman Wolflow, reading his clipboard. ’Our instructions are clear. ’Stop pots. To Level two’

  ‘I’ve already dealt with that I said, turning off the tap. ‘I disconnected the bell.’

  Abruptly the laundry basket burst into flames.

  ‘There we are.’ said the firemen, grinning as they directed their hoses at the blazing basket. ‘Fire is bright and fire is clean. We put out the stars, so the sun can be seen.’

  ‘Juliet is the sun.’ whispered Lolly from outside.

  ‘The sun burns every day.’ said Wolflow. ‘We got here just in time’

  ‘But… You arrived before the fire started!’ I exclaimed.

  ‘Fastest reaction time in the world.’ said Wolflow checking his wristwatch. ‘Temp firemen are on standby - twenty four seven. OK lads. Record the place, date and time of this incident…well maybe just the time… alright… just the place.’

  ‘What is happening?’ I asked, spreading my hands and looking at Lolly.

  She put her finger to her lips.

  ‘Alright I think we’re finished here.’ said Temp Fireman Wolflow. ’ There’s a report of some damage in the engine room. Let’s check the rotor.’

  ‘It appears the time streams aren’t just reversing.’ said Lolly, as the firemen rushed out. ‘There are eddies and ripples that are distorting events. Time is acting like an ill behaved child.'

  ‘What do we do?’ I asked.

  ‘Let’s just sit quietly until Biffo comes.’ said Lolly, closing what was left of the bathroom door and putting out the lights.

  For a moment we sat in silence and calm as our eyes got used to the half light. Then I saw a skeletal hand with a gun, half in and half out of the door.

  ‘I’m not getting put to sleep again.’ I shouted, leaping up and knocking over my coffee cup.

  ‘Nate! What are you doing?’ protested Lolly, as the hand vanished. ‘There’s nothing there.’

  I lunged through the gap in the door and felt my arm go numb. My fingers grabbed something soft and I pulled hard, hauling a shadowy figure into the room.

  ‘Nate, stop it!’ cried Lolly.

  The weaving, twisting shadowy figure pointed the gun straight at me.

  ‘Look out!’

  I grabbed the
gun with both hands and fought with the shadow man. In the dark we both had hold of the gun barrel, twisting it up and down as we brawled and clenched, fighting to get the upper hand.

  BANG!