Uchronie

by Richardson, Ian

  The stumbling jazz music kept slipping, sliding, and repeating every few seconds as Time itself skipped in a nervous, stuttering, loop.

  My last hope of finding anyone had gone.

  I was a man out of time.

  In the club kitchens, pots of food spluttered and steamed endlessly on sputtering gas rings and I fancied I could hear cats meowing among the overflowing bins in the back alleys outside. Was I condemned to wander this vast, empty ship alone, searching for food and drink in a desperate attempt to sustain my hopeless existence? Was I to be marooned forever aboard this abandoned Flying Dutchman, this Marie Celeste of the skies?

  At the rear of the casino club was a darkened cinema area with a huge mirrored screen. The semi-circles of red and blue seats were all vacant but, incongruously, there was a fresh, iced drink sitting in each armrest.

  I shivered as I climbed on to the gloomy stage beside the huge, mirrored screen that was as black as the empty sky above. I stood alone in the silent movie theatre and put my hand on the screen.

  ‘If only you could speak.’ I said to the mirror. ‘I would ask you to tell me what I should do. I would ask you to explain how I am to escape from this abandoned ghost ship of the skies… this flying fortress of solitude. Perhaps you are a magic mirror… although I have read in many a story book that, if mirrors are sentient; they are usually evil, or… at the very least… rather fickle. So perhaps you would not help me… perhaps you would only lead me into deeper and darker shades.’

  I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

  ‘Are you alright sir?’ I sighed, leaning heavily on the screen.

  ‘You don’t look it.’ said my reflection, shaking his head.

  ‘No.’ I sighed. ‘I think I have two big problems.’

  ‘Indeed… and what are they sir?’ asked my mirror image, raising a querulous eyebrow.

  ‘Well the first one… ah… the first one is really too difficult to talk about.’ I said. ’I can’t bring myself to discuss the matter.’

  ‘I see, sir. And what of your second problem?’

  ‘Oh, the second… hmmm… the second problem is actually far more worrying than the first.’ I said, wryly. ‘I have discovered that… I’m talking to myself in mirrors… and that is a really bad sign!’

  There was a ticking noise coming from somewhere.

  It couldn’t be the clocks. My own pocket watch had stopped at ten past two, just after the St Arwar’s Ball. Its sweep second hand jerked ineffectually, making no progress. Its façade of forward momentum had been stalled by the mysterious forces that had overtaken me.

  I had to get a grip of myself.

  ‘Mirror mirror on the wall.’ I said, closing my eyes. ‘I wish you could tell me what I should do.’

  Suddenly the ticking noise grew louder and a bright beam of light pierced the dusty air.

  Rays of light, like the fingers of God's hand, radiated from a hole in the wall at the back of the cinema and split the gloom. For a moment I thought that I was having a religious experience but then I realised that a film had started playing.

  Blinded by the light from the screen, I could just make out the huge image of a white bearded man in an elaborate purple uniform with gold and green braiding. I was so close to the screen that, at first, I thought the towering figure was Tirant DeBlanc, but then I realised it was Temp Fireman Wolflow.

  ‘This is an urgent information film.’ boomed his immense voice. ’If you are watching this, you have left your cabin and must report to Doctor Mentor’s surgery immediately. If you are alone, this is a, priority one, instruction. Please take one of the iced drinks that have been provided for you and proceed to Doctor Mentor’s surgery immediately.’

  It took me a moment to realise that there must be someone in the projection booth.

  I ran through the semi circle of empty seats to the back of the room and pushed open the creaking door. An old film projector had a strip of old 35mm film running through it on a loop.

  That explained the ticking noise, but the tiny booth was deserted.

  Behind the door there was a titanic pile of metallic grey film cans smothered in the dusty cobwebs of disuse. As I pushed my way into the room, they fell over with a huge crash and hit the projector. The fingers of light vanished and the information film ground to a halt.

  ‘Please proceed to Doc-tor -- Men--tor’s -- surg - - ery - - - imm - - - ed - - - ia - - - tely. - - - The doc - - - tor - - - is - - - - wai - - - - - ting - - - - - - for - - - - - - y - - o - - u.’

  It was the only option that I had.

  I left the Great Hall, via the double doors, and headed for Doctor Mentor’s surgery.

  The last time I had been down there I had been placed under arrest on suspicion of attempting to blow up the Hindenburg. The troubles that I had then, paled into insignificance beside the predicament that I found myself in now.

  Exhausted and beyond hope of redemption I went, blindly, downstairs into the cold darkness.

  I was sure that the Doctor wouldn’t be there.

  After all, why should Doctor Mentor be any different from the rest of the crew?

  Next episode: ‘Is there a Doctor on board?’ Released 4 February 2013.

  Is There A Doctor On Board?

  Nate discovers that the curious Doctor Mentor is both more and less human than he had previously realised.

  After a long walk in the dark, through the red lit, abandoned, corridors of the Uchronie I finally arrived at Doctor Mentor’s. With a heavy sigh I pushed open the door marked Medical Orderly fully expecting the surgery to be empty.

  But the doctor was sitting there, as large as life, trying to fasten a green surgical mask while wearing flesh coloured rubber gloves.

  ‘Talk to me.’ I muttered to myself. ‘I will not interrupt.’

  ‘Ah, Nate. Come in. I’m glad that you made it. How are you feeling?’ asked Doctor Mentor in that peculiar high pitched voice that, again, made me wonder whether this was a man or a woman.

  Before I could answer, the Doctor spoke again.

  ‘Drink this drink on my desk.’ said Doctor Mentor, indicating a carton of iced water similar to the ones I had seen in the cinema. ‘It will help reverse the effect of Biffo’s mists of time.’

  I looked at the drink suspiciously… This do I drink to thee... Doctor Mentor’s grinning face looked positively evil under the red emergency lights. Crimson sparks glimmered from a glassy left eye like a sinister cat’s eye.’

  ‘Why haven’t you disappeared along with everyone else?’ I asked, checking that the surgery door was still open behind me.

  ‘Ah yes, all life forms aboard the Uchronie have been time shifted due to Commander Deblanc’s crazy manoeuvre.’ said Doctor Mentor, rather jerkily. ‘He must have been possessed by Victorian demons to think that he could send the whole ship back in time without causing some ill effects to his crew.’

  ‘Everyone disappeared.’ I said. ‘Except me and…’

  ‘You, Nate, have suffered a double whammy.’ interrupted Doctor Mentor, pushing the iced drink towards me. ‘You also breathed in some of Biffo’s Net10 steam in the Great Hall. If you could just drink this iced drink, it will function as an antidote. Please hurry. I have another patient to attend to.’

  ‘I haven’t seen anyone else on board.’ I said. ‘I thought I was alone. Why haven’t you disappeared as well? Am I suffering from a further delusion?’

  ‘What other delusions have you suffered from?’ asked Doctor Mentor, studying me carefully.

  ‘I saw a cat that had my face.’ I said. ‘It was like something from Alice in Wonderland. It attacked me and then disappeared through the mirror with a strange noise like a racecar. Lolly said it was my doppelgänger and that meant that I might die soon.’

  ‘Cause and effect temporarily became reversed.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘It caused all sorts of strange anomalies and quite a few fires.’

  ‘Will the cat creature come back and where did it go?’ I asked
.

  ‘It is impossible to prove whether it was real or not.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘It’s rather like Schrödinger's cat in that respect I‘m afraid. It’s only real and alive if you see it.’

  ‘What about the real gun that it pointed at me?’

  ‘Well…. if there was no real cat… there can be no real gun.’ grinned Doctor Mentor. ‘Anyway...How does a cat hold a gun?’

  ‘Was it a car or a cat I saw?’

  ‘Ah now… These words can be read forwards or backwards.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘Lolly would have explained the usefulness of palindromes to you during a time reversal crisis. Sator arepo tenet opera rotas.’

  ‘Yes, she said that.’ I said. ‘It sounds like some sort of magic spell. But… you still haven’t explained why you haven’t disappeared along with every other living thing aboard this skyship.’

  ‘Well that is, actually, rather a personal question.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘But in the interests of moving things along, and getting you to drink this iced drink, I will explain.’

  I stood by the doorway and listened.

  ‘I used to be a famous surgeon.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘I was the first ever flying doctor in Australia. I was renowned throughout the continent as the cobber with the healing hands. But, several years ago, I was severely injured when my steam plane crashed in the outback. A wandering tribe of aborigines did what they could for me but by the time the Search and Rescue crews found me… I was at death’s door.’

  ‘My goodness.’ I said.

  ‘Yes. I was a man barely alive and, barely sane, when they told me that I would never operate again.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘My surgery was my life and I was determined to save my life. I contacted Duke Tirant DeBlanc and his Victorian millionaire artificers. They said they could rebuild me.’

  The surgeon’s mask was slipping from the Doctor’s face.

  ‘It took them seven days to put me back together.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘Synthetic flesh, dental implants and mechanical organs. I was always worried that they took out my soul and replaced it with a clock movement. By the time they had finished I was ten centimetres taller, due to the difficulties in constructing steam powered human organs. But they did a good job rebuilding these...’

  So saying Doctor Mentor pulled off the rubber gloves to reveal two elegantly constructed mechanical hands.

  ‘Here is my reality.’ said Doctor Mentor, rolling up a sleeve to reveal a mechanical arm made from slim brass rods and gears. ‘I am half machine. My left arm, left leg and the bottom half of my skull were all rebuilt. They also gave me one artificial red crystal eye.’

  I watched fascinated as the intricate network of pulleys and wires operated the Doctor fingers. A synthetic Adam’s apple glowed beneath the pulled down face mask.

  ‘I was more dead than alive after my plane accident.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘But they rebuilt me. Bigger, stronger, betterer.’

  ‘Is betterer a word?’ I asked.

  ‘I have rebuilt it as a word.’ said Doctor Mentor, with a smile. ‘And now that I have answered your question Nate... I would be obliged if you would drink this iced drink. I am concerned that your situation is resolved swiftly so I may return to Ginger. He is still in a coma and Lolly is most distraught.’

  Despite his, obviously genuine, story I still had my doubts about drinking this supposed iced water.

  ‘I can assure you that it is completely safe.’ sighed Doctor Mentor, sensing my hesitation. ‘I’m not some comic book villain doctor trying to poison you. Look at the label on this bottle that it came from - H2O. Everybody knows that H2O is water… plain simple water.’

  ‘Just because a label on a bottle says H2O, doesn’t mean that’s what’s inside it.’ I said.

  ‘Would you rather it said ‘Drink me’ or something curious like that?’ asked Doctor Mentor, covering up a brass robotic arm with a white doctor’s sleeve.

  ‘We’re back to Alice in Wonderland again.’ I said.

  ‘Yes, but I can do no more for you.’ said Doctor Mentor, pulling latex gloves over brass fingers. ‘How do you propose we resolve this impasse?’

  ‘I’ll drink it.’ I said, stepping forward. ‘If I see you drink it first.’

  ‘Ah… you airmen and your drinking games.’ said Doctor Mentor, picking up the bottle of water with a jerky movement. ‘I don’t know why you think that will prove anything…. after all, I am half machine. That’s why time shifts don’t affect me.’

  The half covered robotic hand tilted the bottle and poured water into the lifelike mouth.

  'There you are then.’ said Doctor Mentor as tiny spots of light glimmered in the red crystal eye. ‘I have fulfilled my part of the bargain.’

  ‘My dismal scene… I needs must act alone.’ I said, sniffing the bottle, it certainly smelt like iced water. ‘Come, vial. What if this mixture do not work at all?’

  ‘Never mind quoting Shakespeare.’ said Doctor Mentor. ‘Please drink the water. I am most concerned about Ginger.’

  I took a large gulp of the ice cold liquid and sat down, expecting something dramatic to happen.

  But nothing happened.

  There were no swirling lights, no whooshing noises like a racecar reversing and no sensation of being sucked back into the ‘real’ universe.

  All I had was a cold feeling in my stomach.

  ‘Thank you.’ said Doctor Mentor, standing up rather stiffly. ‘Now if you would please return to your cabin and wait, it will be easier for Biffo to locate you. According to the Theory of Searches you should…’

  ‘Yes, I know about the Theory of Searches.’ I said. ‘Lolly told me all about it.’

  ‘It is as well that Lolly had the prescience to realize that events were happening in reverse.’ said the high pitched voice as tiny motes of light began to rise from the Doctor’s head. ‘Who knows where you would have ended up if she hadn’t been there to help you.’

  ‘I’d probably be dead.’ I said. ‘Killed by a cat intruder wearing my own face.’

  ‘That is a fairly standard delusion.’ said Doctor Mentor, who was now surrounded by whirling spots of light. ‘Sometimes in these time shifts there are several intruders and, by the end, a pile of bodies, or a ghost with a skeleton key. But this is no fairy tale. We are not make-believe characters.’

  ‘Aren’t we?’ I sighed. ‘Sometimes I wonder.’

  ‘No! No! We’re much more grounded in the real world.’ said Doctor Mentor, bursting into a thousand tiny, swirling, pinpricks of light.

  ‘What does ‘Sator arepo tenet opera rotas’ actually mean?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, there are several interpretations... but ‘The originator Arepo works the control rotas.’ is my favourite.’ said Doctor Mentor, dissolving slowly until only a smile was left. ‘It was found in ancient Roman Herculaneum. Don’t worry about it. Look - the stars have returned.’

  I looked out the door.

  The disappearing Doctor was right. The abyss of black sky was again filled with starlight, the moon shone crisp and clear.

  As I walked slowly back to my cabin I began to get a headache just as the sky lightened. Soon, only the morning star, Venus, was visible. Lolly would be able to tell whether it had appeared at the correct hour.

  I had just sat down on the edge of the bed to examine my mysteriously repaired coronation mug when there was a knock on the door.

  I looked up.

  ‘I remember you.’ said Lolly, standing in the doorway. ’Unless, of course, there is another Nate with a similar mug from a parallel universe.’

  ‘It’s me.’ I said. ‘At least I think it’s me. My memory of what happened is fading in the cold light of day.’

  ‘That’s an after-effect of Biffo’s steam.’ said Lolly, lightly. ‘Don’t worry about it.'

  'You seem to be in a good mood.' I said. 'What's been happening to you?'

  'We have to go to the control room.' said Lolly. 'Daddy… Commander DeBlanc… has som
e news that he wants to share with everyone.’

  ‘Well... I do remember a Commander Tirant DeBlanc.’ I said. ‘We’d better go.’

  ‘Do you remember that all the stars disappeared.’ asked Lolly, as we walked through the bustling, brightly lit corridors of the Uchronie.

  ‘Not really.’ I said. ‘These last few hours are like a dream.’

  ‘Ah… nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.’ sighed Lolly.