Where Forever Lies

by Tara Neideffer

  She sighed as she looked out into the night sky, wondering why she let her emotions loose on a guy. She had told herself to take it slow but instead she’d let her guard down a little too much and the feelings she had started to have for him had been able to seep out. She was scared of getting hurt again, of dealing with another loss, even if it was only from a guy she barely knew. But loss was still loss. It was all the same. It still hurts when someone you have feelings for leaves you and it hurts even more when they do it because you’re not good enough for them. She’d been down both roads lately and she was beginning to wonder if she should risk all the hurt again. She needed to heal from her grief, not find more sorrow and she wasn’t sure if Tyler Evans was going to help her heal or cause her more pain. The uncertainty of it all made her stomach churn. She hated not being in control of things, especially her feelings.

  She set her wine glass down on the small metal table and walked over to her telescope. She loved sitting out here alone at night, looking out at the stars, and just letting her mind escape. It was her small place of peace. Her sanctuary. Her life was always so busy, so chaotic, that coming out here at night gave her a chance to reflect on things.

  As she peered through the telescope and saw the stars glittering above her, she instantly felt a calmness rising from deep within her. Looking through the telescope was almost hypnotizing to her. It showed her that there was another layer to her world that had not fully been discovered. It made her think of her own life. Life has so many layers that it takes your whole lifetime to discover them all and even that’s not enough time. But looking at the beauty of the stars above her made her realize that life can be beautiful despite the darkness that surrounds it. She knew she would get through this dark time in her life and find the peace she knew she deserved, it would just take time. The question was, when would that happen? How long would she have to suffer the feeling of grief and despair to get to that peaceful state? The answer wasn’t within her reach right now. All she knew was she had to take one day at a time and remind herself to see the positives and not dwell on what she had no control over.

  Each twinkling of a star gave her hope, made her believe that she was strong, and could handle the toughest situations. From this distance, each star looked so fragile as it seemed to hang effortlessly among the grasp of darkness. But stars were able to live and shine for millions of years and were a lot tougher than they appeared. Paige knew she was strong but life made her feel weak.

  She pulled away from the telescope, drank the last of the wine in her glass, and decided to head to bed. She locked the door, and after washing her wine glass, she climbed into bed. After a little wine and some reflection from the sky, she felt a little bit better. A little bit lighter. Her heart was still heavy but she felt like she could now lift the weights that tried to hold her down. Pulling the covers up to her chin, she felt her mind finally slowing down. It was nice and she relished the feeling for a few minutes before she let herself go to sleep.

  As she began to drift to sleep, her mind flashed to memories of Randy and Natasha. Instead of the bad ones, she found herself thinking about the good times she’d shared with them. She realized she rarely thought of the happy times she’d had with them and vowed to do that more often. She knew it was time to start doing that, but it was hard to make herself forget how they were no longer here. There were plenty of good memories; she’d known both of them for years. Even though their lives had been cut short, she’d still had plenty of wonderful times with them, and it was time to start thinking about those times instead of only concentrating on the hurt of losing them.

  She let each good memory stay in her mind for a long time before letting it slip away. She wanted to sear the happy times into her mind in hopes that it would shine brighter than the haunting memories that seemed to keep showing up. The bad ones would fade eventually, she knew that, but she also knew they’d never completely go. They would always be there in the background, showing just a sliver of themselves, but it would be enough to remind her of what was missing in her life.

  ♥♥♥

  The smell of death and sorrow struck her nose and she was suddenly aware of where she was. Her eyes scanned the room at the old paintings of flowers, the burgundy carpet and a bunch of empty chairs that were all facing forward. Her motions felt slow, deliberate, and the fact that she was dreaming briefly crossed her mind. She hated dreams, they always brought her pain. She couldn’t remember the last good dream she’d had.

  The sight of two coffins this time struck her as odd. She’d never been to a funeral or showing where they had two dead people in the same room. Her feet began to take her forward, almost as if they were moving all on their own. She felt the panic begin to rise in her throat the closer she got because she knew who was waiting for her in those mahogany coffins. She willed her feet to slow down as she walked in a daze past the vacant chairs, the coffins getting closer and closer. She wanted to close her eyes but no matter how hard she tried, they wouldn’t shut. It was as if she had no choice but to see what was waiting for her.

  Fear was beginning to seize her as she waited for Natasha to rise up from her coffin and look blankly at her as she’d seen happen in all her other dreams. Each step felt like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the explosion of her loved ones death’s to hit her again. She reached out and touched each empty chair as she walked down to the front, the coolness of the metal matching the cold, vacant feeling in her heart. Her arms were heavy, leaden with the unwanted need to know what she was about to see.

  The last step came and her eyes were finally able to see inside each coffin. Her body stiffened even more by what her eyes fell upon. Confusion coursed through her body, making her clench the last metal chair. Her eyes darted back and forth between the two, wondering if this was some evil joke.

  They were empty.

  Her eyes went to the picture of Randy in front of his casket... where he should be lying. The funeral program was directly under his picture, outlining the important parts of his life. She looked at his smiling picture, remembering everything about him.

  Paige looked to her right and saw one for Natasha as well. Her legs carried her over to the other casket without any problems, and as she stood in front of her empty space, she just stared at her picture. Natasha was smiling as well, looking carefree and happy despite the turmoil that had flooded her mind while she was alive. The picture showed Paige that there was a time in her life when things were okay with her. The funeral program was underneath her picture. Paige scanned the program, reading all the good things her family remembered about her.

  She ran her hand over the dark, mahogany coffin, feeling confused as to why they were both empty, when all of a sudden the room around her began to fade, turning black as the coffins disintegrated into the darkness.

  She gasped as she bolted up in her bed, clutching the covers tightly around her. Sweat was dripping down her forehead and she wiped it away with the back of her hand. Rolling over on her side, she stared at the wall, counting backwards from one hundred as her mind kept replaying the nightmare.

  Chapter 16

  As Paige slowly walked down the long hall, her tennis shoes squeaked loudly on the white tiled floor, and the sounds of patients murmuring and groaning were in the distance. The smell of disinfectant, which was so strong it would bother most people, was barely noticeable to her. These were the sounds and smells of purpose in her life. These were her normal everyday occurrences and they were part of the reason that made her get up every day at five a.m. The first reason was to provide for her daughter.

  She came up to the nurse’s station and settled into her chair to go over some files, when Kyleigh plopped down in the chair beside her.

  “Hey,” Kyleigh said, as she curiously eyed her up and down, looking as if she had something on her mind.

  “Hey. What’s up?” Paige asked nonchalantly, as she scanned through the pile of files, figuring she’d be here a good hour entering them all into the compute
r.

  “Well, how are you doing? I haven’t really talked to you all week. What’s been going on?” Kyleigh asked, as she rested her cheek on her hand and stared at her, waiting for her answer.

  Paige knew she’d been quiet at work lately, but she was hoping no one had really noticed. Of course she should have known that Kyleigh would notice any little change in her demeanor. She knew her too well. Paige set her files down and looked at Kyleigh, wishing she could just stop thinking about Tyler. Why had she been so upset about not hearing back from him? She barely knew him and it was ridiculous to let him ruin her week like this. She let out an aggravated breath and said, “I’ve just been a little down lately. I haven’t heard back from Tyler since the day after our date and I was actually hoping he’d be interested in me. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up and the one time I do, it goes south on me. I even called him a couple of times and texted him with no response. You know I’m not usually that forward.”

  Kyleigh’s face fell in disappointment. “I’m sure he has a good reason, Paige. From what I could tell, he really seemed into you. Maybe he just doesn’t want to be one of those guys who starts hounding you right away. I wouldn’t stress too much over it, hon, just give it a little time,” she said, as she draped her arm across her, resting her head on her shoulder.

  Paige smiled; glad she had a friend who always knew the right things to say, even if she was exaggerating. “Thanks, Kyleigh. I just hate getting my hopes up and then having them crash down on me. I know, I stress too much over stupid shit.”

  “Oh, Paige, I can’t argue that one because you are a worrier, but I have a feeling it will be fine, so don’t let it bring you down,” Kyleigh said as she leaned back in her chair playing with a strand of her hair.

  “So, how is your life going without Brad, now? I take it he’s not been bothering you any, right?” Paige asked, hoping the answer was a no.

  Kyleigh bit her lower lip and stopped playing with the strand of her hair. “Actually, he hasn’t and I’m surprised. I’m happy, though, but something just seems off about it.”

  Paige thought about it for a minute, thinking it didn’t seem like Brad to just let things go without putting up a fight, but maybe he had moved on. “Well, if you need anything you’d better let me know.”

  “I will, don’t worry. Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Kyleigh’s eyes lit up with excitement.

  “Um, probably going home and crashing, why?”

  “Well, there’s an awesome blues band playing at Moirai, we should go. You know, get out of the house a little?” Kyleigh said jokingly.

  Paige thought about it for a second. It had been a couple of weeks since she’d done anything and she was trying to make a point to have some adult time so she wouldn’t go stir crazy, but it was such short notice and she’d have to scramble to get a babysitter. She knew her mom would probably be able to. “Sure, I’d love to. I just have to make sure my mom is able to watch Kyra. I’ll let you know later.”

  Kyleigh squealed with excitement, “Yay, it’ll be so much fun! I’ll find out what time the first band starts playing.”

  ♥♥♥

  After spending some time with Kyra by taking her out to eat and getting ice cream, Paige had finally dropped her off at her mom’s house at eight o’ clock, giving her just enough time to meet Kyleigh at her house by eight thirty. She was excited, knowing it would be a blast and she felt good about getting out and doing something with her friends every couple of weeks. It was good for her and even though sometimes guilt wanted to make its way into her thoughts, she did her best to keep them at bay.

  She pulled into her apartment parking spot and saw Kyleigh waiting for her. As she opened the door Kyleigh was grinning from ear to ear, looking as if she was about to burst with excitement.

  “Are you ready to party?” she asked enthusiastically.

  Paige shook her head, laughing. “Kyleigh, I don’t really party. I’ll probably only have a drink or two. For me, it’s all about getting out and having ‘me’ time.”

  “Yeah, anyway,” Kyleigh said laughing. “Let’s go, I’m ready to start shaking my ass and getting my drink on.”

  Paige smacked her on the arm, “Calm down, you wild girl.”

  They parked against the curb along one of the main streets not far from the club, happy to get this close to Moirai.

  “Oh, my God, I should have never worn such high heels, my feet are already killing me,” Paige groaned as she leaned against Kyleigh for support.

  “Well, you look hot, if that counts,” Kyleigh teased.

  “No, not really. I’d rather be comfortable. I don’t know what I was thinking.” The wind began to pick up and Paige held her hair to keep it from blowing around too much, hoping to keep some of her curls intact before she got to the door.

  After waiting in line for ten minutes, they were finally able to get through and luckily find a small table inside, even though the place was packed. Paige looked up at the stage, taking in the members of the first band to play as they got things set up. She did love blues music, it had a way of mellowing a person out and she really needed to unwind.

  Kyleigh came back with two beers and Paige took a sip as she scanned the crowd. The band was almost ready and Paige wished they’d hurry up. The music they were playing in the background was terrible and it was starting to give her a headache.

  “Finally,” Paige said as the lead singer came up to the mic.

  After a quick introduction of their band members and the name of their opening song, the music started. The lady singing looked to be in her forties, a mess of long black hair cascaded around her, and her clothes were leaning on the tattered side, but her voice was beautiful and invigorating. It sent a wave of chills through her, making all her worries numb for the moment, and Paige felt herself getting lost in the music. She couldn’t have asked for a better singer right now. This woman, who didn’t even know her, was helping her forget everything that troubled her. Paige felt herself gently swaying and she closed her eyes, letting herself feel something other than stress, anxiety and worry. She didn’t want the song to end but after a few minutes, the next song came on sounding even better than the first.

  Paige sipped her beer as she listened to the band and felt a tap on her shoulder, breaking her out of the trance the woman seemed to have put her in.

  “Hi, miss? Sorry to bother you, but I have a drink for you.”

  Paige looked up at the young waitress who was staring at her with big blue eyes and long blonde hair that fell down her back in waves. She was holding a pink, fruity drink with whipped cream and a cherry on top. Paige stared at the drink, words slipping away from her as the woman’s voice singing in the background turned into a mellow, sensual tone.

  Was Tyler here? She frantically thought to herself.

  She suddenly felt all the tension seep back into her. Did she want him to be here? She didn’t know. She had so much conflicting emotion around that thought. She did want him to be here but why hadn’t he called her? Why had he been ignoring her? She didn’t want to play games and she was too tired to deal with a bunch of drama.

  “Thank you,” she told the waitress after she sat the fruity drink down in front of her.

  She whirled around, scanning the crowd as she looked for him. What was she going to say when she saw him? She examined each person she could see, trying to find him out there, but there were so many people here. She wondered how he had spotted her in the first place. Her eyes finally landed on a small table directly behind her but all the way in the back of the club. From where she sat, she had an open view of his table and of him.

  Their eyes met and they stared at each other for a moment, the music and noise in the background faded, everything was non-existent as she looked at him. As he looked at her. Her thoughts and body remembered the passionate kiss they’d shared at her doorstep and she was suddenly scared of the feelings he seemed to spur in her with just one look. She couldn’t handle it. She abruptly turn
ed away from him, not sure what to think. They’d had a great date and he’d just vanished for weeks. No return phone call or text or anything. What did that say about him? She wondered if that was part of his character. To just disappear like that. She knew he didn’t owe her anything from that one date, but still, things didn’t seem right. She felt there was something more to it all.

  She turned back towards the stage and let the music fill her mind and soul, hoping it would drown out her emotions again. But, after several minutes of it not working, she grabbed her beer and chugged the bottle down, hoping that would work. She felt Kyleigh’s eyes on her and turned to look at her.

  “Are you okay?” Kyleigh leaned in and asked, knowing exactly who had bought her the drink.

  Paige took another long drink and then set the empty bottle down on the table. “Yeah. I’m just not sure I want to mess with dating, but I really like Tyler. I’m confused and unsure and he just had to show up here and screw with my emotions some more,” Paige said as she looked at Kyleigh.

  Kyleigh shrugged her shoulders and said, “Well, maybe it’s a good sign that he’s here. Maybe you should just go with it and see where it takes you. He’s obviously still interested in you or he wouldn’t have bought you a drink, he’d just ignore you and pretend he didn’t see you. Maybe you should talk to him and see what happened. Maybe he had a good reason.”

  Paige picked at the label on the beer, thinking about Kyleigh’s words. She did like Tyler, but was he worth it?

  “Paige, whatever you’re thinking, you’d better think fast because he’s headed this way.” Kyleigh said giggling.

  “Great,” Paige mumbled under her breath. She didn’t have a clue what she’d say to him.

  She suddenly felt hot breath hit her ear and froze, fighting between the urge to melt into the arousing feeling of his lips that close to her, or pushing it, and him, away.