Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

by Mike Stangle

  Let’s Be Offensively Honest

  A Little Something for the Ladies

  A Look into a Man’s Psyche, at the Expense of Your Respect

  (Mike)

  We have very few single female friends who want to be single. Some do; maybe they want to focus on their careers or they’re just trying to shake a tough case of the broken-heart blues. If you’re one of those gals, skip this chapter. But by and large, most single gals don’t want to be single. “Single Ladies” isn’t just one of Dave’s top five songs of all time; it represents a large population of modern-day gals who share one common circumstance: they’ve got no man. Everyone has female friends who desperately want boyfriends. It happens to most females at some point in the five years following college. Or always. The reasons don’t matter much. Maybe you’re feeling the pressure from your folks, because they were married by twenty-two. Maybe you’ve got some insecurities about growing old alone. Maybe it’s because all of your friends are doing it. Hey, maybe you just need the D all the time. Maybe it’s science.

  We get it. Game on. It’s hunting season. We know you gals in cities like New York and D.C. have it rough. The competition is nuts! City gals are hot! And there are tons of them. They’re everywhere. Even if they aren’t, it doesn’t make it any easier. All you San Fran gals don’t know what to think, because the fellas there are mostly into other fellas. Whether you’re in the burbs or a city, we get how tough your competition is. We also get how picky that allows us guys to be. I’ve been getting girls that are light-years out of my league for . . . light-years! Plus, on top of that, most of us are total dickheads. Mike sure is. I’ve seen that kid blow off dates because he ate too many Gushers, and he is twenty-five years old! It’s hard out there, and we get that. We’re not defending guys; we’re trying to help you deal with these idiots so you can eventually be stuck with one. Make sense? Nope, not for us, either.

  Do you ever look at certain guys and wonder why they are more successful with women? More than likely, they’ve learned what women want and they play into that. You should do the same thing with guys. Dave owns like sixty pairs of shoes. He has seasonal shoes! Do most guys do that? No. Do you think he has so many shoes because he loves shoes? Nope. But you love shoes, and it’s the first thing you look at when you meet him. Oh look at that, he’s off to a good start with you. Good for you, Dave. She’s cute.

  Let’s get on with a look inside our heads. We hope this helps with the fellas, you man-hunters. You can hate us for now, but we expect an invite to the wedding.

  1. Where are the best hunting grounds? Uh, we don’t fucking know.

  Where are you going tonight? Go to a bar. Don’t go to a club. No one meets his or her husband at a club unless you’re Pitbull or Pitbull’s wife (lucky gal). That hot guy you spotted last week at a club with a name from a Stefan sketch . . . he might have been spending enough money for you to rationalize away any concerns over his multiple tribal tattoos, but he’s wearing a reflective shirt with an eagle on it. Is he the future Mr. You? Again, not unless you’re the future Mrs. Bull. Skip the club, go to a bar. There are always guys there, and we’ll be drinking, so we won’t be such pussies. Another disclaimer: we’re not saying a bar is the best place to meet guys, it’s just the place we’re most likely to be, and we really want to meet you.

  Next, science. Use it to your advantage. Remember the big picture: Men like sex. It motivates us. It drives us. There are other things in life that are important to us, of course, but we forget what they are. Sex, as an underlying theme to everything in our lives, is literally built into our DNA. If you meet a guy who you don’t think took a brief second in his brain to consider what it would be like to have sex with you prior to engaging in any conversation with you, you’re wrong. We’re so good at it, our brains are capable of giving any girl a complete sexual pat-down in less than two seconds, while simultaneously asking about her grandmother’s health. If you can’t pick up on that, it only means he’s doing a really great job of hiding it. Or he’s gay (so jealous). Or he just got laid right before meeting you, so getting laid again isn’t his top physiological priority for several minutes. Still, even at that point, he is thinking, Wait, but there’s the future to think about. . . . You think that makes us pigs? Probably. But sadly, your opinion of us doesn’t change your luck or put you any closer to your goals. It only crosses two more guys off your list, so your odds with the male population just went down slightly. What is your other option? Embrace it, play into it. Use it to your advantage. Our gals The Betches figured this out early, and they win at everything. Oh, these brothers read the Betches? Okay, now you’re thinking that maybe you should hear us out. Let’s go back inside the bar and talk, okay? We didn’t bring up the sex-is-in-our-DNA caveman reality so that you’ll think we’re telling you to sleep with bar guys right away. Just go into that bar understanding that’s going to be our plan. We are thinking about sleeping with you right away. Please accept this as more honest than disgusting. Remember the sexual pat-down guys do. If he’s talking to you, that means he’s already had these sexual thoughts about you, and he liked them! You’re past Step 1.

  2. Oh Sweet Mother of God, Dress the Part, Would You?

  Deciding what kind of arrows to put in your quiver? Don’t listen to your girlfriends. Just don’t. They are in the same boat you are. If they are giving out advice, it’s only based on their own failures at this very process you’re trying to conquer. It’s the blind leading the blind! In fact, that is Rule #1: Don’t take guy advice from a girl who is frustrated with guys. Your girlfriends who are most likely to preach to you about guys are probably pigs named Samantha who are terrible with guys. Stop listening to Samantha’s bitter advice, which she doles out while swiping right on Tinder with reckless abandon. Instead, listen to your inner guy. Start thinking like a guy. How do we guys think? Start with the basics. How will you come off in our sexual pat-down?

  What are you wearing, anyway? Don’t wear a shirt with ruffles or different cool sleeves that other girls think is sexy because it’s classy. It isn’t. In fact, fuck sleeves. Show some arm, girl! Show some everything. We’re guys, we love skin. Guys like butts and boobs. One, the other, both. That’s it. Until things progress for us beyond conversations, drinks, jokes, and getting to know each other, there are really only two things: boobs and butts. Four things, if you count them all separate, butt cheeks and all. Wear jeans. If you don’t look good in jeans, wear a skirt. Skirts are awesome; show some leg. Tank tops? We love tank tops. If the material of whatever you are wearing is tight around your chest, we like that. You already know that! There are boobs under there. If your goal is to attract a guy, and you know that guys like boobs, and you have boobs—what kind of fucked-up logic tells you do the opposite of “flaunt them”? Are you afraid other girls will judge you for this? The ones wearing tight shirts won’t; they’re too distracted by all the attention they’re getting from guys.

  If you do wear something on the tighter or more revealing side, we’ll probably sneak a few looks at those boobies. Don’t be offended by this. Dogs aren’t offended when another dog sniffs their butt. You can be offended if we sniff your butts (before the third date), but let the boob stare go. We try to discreetly hide these sneaks. We’re just curious! Remember, you can find it offensive, or translate it through your new think-like-a-guy strategy and take it as a compliment, a positive sign of interest. Do you know what our ideal social setting is? It’s one where we’re wearing sunglasses that hide our eyes, where everyone is drunk, and every girl is in a bikini. So yes, basically a beach. Now you know that. Do you think Mike has insisted on living in Nantucket for the last four summers because he loves the architecture? The beach is a lifeline to our dicks! This gets me thinking, why would he live on the beach for this long and not get in sick shape? Half-assing it, if you ask me. I visit him every summer and am on a strict diet of air and cigarettes the entire month before I get there. I treat it like ladies treat their weddings. I’m on diuretics on ev
en days and pulling the trigger after dinners on odd days. The beach is a man’s sexual Graceland! No guy expects “the beach” setting to be the norm, but think about why it appeals to us and work from there. Revealing clothes, hidden eyes, booze, happy vibe. Why not appeal to that? We don’t expect you to come to a bar in a bikini; just remember what drives us when you’re putting your outfit together.

  3. Don’t Say Shit That Every Girl Says

  Remember that viral fad of videos popping up titled “Shit ___ Girls Say?” Shit Jewish Girls Say, Shit New York Girls Say, Shit Single Girls Say, Shit Black Girls Say. Do you realize that you and your friends inspired this entire Shit Girls Say movement? It’s only funny because it’s true. We’ve all heard it all. I’m sure you have, too, but hey, I’M TALKING HERE.

  When you meet a guy, don’t tell him about your gluten allergy. If you have cats, maybe wait to reveal that. If you’re super-religious, that’s cool. Just file that away with the cats and bring it up once the bond gets a little stronger. Don’t talk about how close your family is. Everyone is close with their family, or at least wants to be. If not, and you have daddy issues, Dave requests that you give him a call. Wheelhouse! Family is important, sure, but not yet. We’ll get to that way down the line. You’ve got to concentrate on keeping our attention; it gets lost very easily. Get back to what motivates men: sex. We’re not saying you should start talking dirty right out of the gate, unless you want to. You could see how that goes if you’d like; we’ll be at Whiskey Town tonight. We’re just saying to err on the side of flirtatiousness. That seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how warped your energy can get.

  Don’t ask what we do within three questions. We know that is a big one for you, but hide it like we’re hiding our desire to grab your ass. We don’t make one of our first three questions “What would it be like to be inside you?” That’s what the sexual pat-down is about. If you want to know what we do (read: how much money we make) just look at our clothes, our shoes, check for ear piercings, then make an unfair but somewhat educated guess. In fact, the next time a gal asks what one of us does within three questions, we’re just going to start grabbing butts. Then all our cards will be on the table.

  Smile a lot! We’re more insecure than you think. You like us when we’re confident, so if you want us to be confident, then remind us that it’s going well. When you break it down, we’re actually pretty simple: If we’re talking to you, we’re interested. If we’re not, we’re not.

  4. Okay, Now What? Get Him Hooked. Maybe Give Him a Hand Job. With Your Vagina.

  Mike and I differ on this. Mike believes that in most cases, if you want it to go somewhere, you shouldn’t sleep with him right away. That’s not totally accurate; he thinks BJs are a nice treat after a first date. He just doesn’t want to pressure the gal, okay? He loves treats; such a dog. I’m a firm believer that you should sleep with him right away, even if it isn’t going anywhere. Worst case: you both get off, and then go back to the drawing board less sexually frustrated. Okay, I suppose that isn’t the worst case that comes from sleeping around, but my message is that it’s 2015. As long as you’re safe, have yourself some fun. Whether it goes somewhere great or nowhere at all, if you can involve sex, why the hell not? It’s either no strings attached or the exact strings you’re looking for! That could just be the twenty-nine-year-old in me talking.

  The best approach probably lies somewhere right in the middle of how Mike and I look at it. Leaving something to be desired does drive us guys crazy; it keeps our attention, and it gets you in our heads. Sleeping with us shows us what you’ve got, and vice versa. If you’re getting calls from us afterward, it means we really liked it. We want more. If not, then maybe Mike had a point. Either way, the sex part is going to be bigger than you’d like to admit in the infancy of a fostering relationship. We know it sounds shallow, but these are the facts! Kind of.

  Want to know what a guy likes in the sack? You should probably check out some porn. Mike can refer you to several free websites if you’d like. Even if you don’t like porn, you should watch some. And drop the degrading-to-women act, Janeane Garofalo. Anyone see that movie Don Jon with Joseph Gordon-Levitt? JGL is the man. He breaks down porn as a man’s guilty pleasure versus romantic comedies as a lady’s guilty pleasure. It appeals to our nature, just like the sappy shit appeals to yours. Fellas who are good at being sweet have seen their share of romantic comedies; gals who are dynamite in the sack have seen their share of porn. Sure, some porn is degrading to women. I won’t go on the record as being against much, but that weird porn just freaks me out. When I was in college and online porn was just coming of age, we used to check out this site called cockgaggers.com. Don’t look it up, it’s not there anymore. Weirdly, I think that means cockgaggers got bought out by a bigger operation? I’ve got to think it was for the name and not the content, which was pretty literal to the name. It was just women on their knees with guys fucking their mouths like jackhammers. It was awful. Scarring.

  Sometimes they would put a toilet seat over the girl’s head, then do it. Now that’s degrading! I’m not going to say I didn’t laugh a few times; the sounds were just so ridiculous! Still, cockgaggers didn’t exist for college kids to laugh at, not exclusively, anyway. There were guys out there who were going to cockgaggers because it fit their preferences. You think we’re sick pups? Those guys are the real sick pups. Most porn isn’t like that, though. Most porn that the general population of men likes consists of a movie in which a man is directing one or more women to do things based on what turns the viewers on. The viewers are all men! Do you think the first girl to look up at a guy while giving him a blow Johnson just thought it up herself? You know, I’m tired of looking at this guy’s belly button. I think I’ll multitask and give head while engaging in a staring contest. No way! A guy asked the girl to do it, because it turns guys on! Connect the dots.

  Whether you like porn or not, there is no arguing that the pornographic community can teach you tons of tricks that will drive men absolutely wild. Are we suggesting the first time you get under the sheets with a fella you throw his legs over his head and start licking his butt hole? Maybe. No, but don’t forget how addictive good sex can be. Sex is a drug, an addictive drug. The only side effect is you might end up in an incredibly destructive two-year relationship in which no party can walk away, because each is deeply addicted to having sex with the other. Just ask Dave about Big Sex sometime. That, my friends, is what we call a good problem to have. It’s pretty rare, though; we’re simply talking here about sex with people you’re courting. Why let it be boring? Why refrain from standing out when you clearly have the ability? I’ve had relationships with women that were built purely on sex. I’ve had girlfriends, legit girlfriends, whom I was so into solely because the sex was worth whatever else I had to put up with. You have this power, ladies. You’re in our brains. What are you going to leave imprinted there? Let your freak flag fly a little bit.

  Sex is changing. You need to either keep up or you’ll fall behind. Just doing the stuff you grew up doing isn’t going to cut it anymore. Keep up with the trends. Change things up. You aren’t still wearing jelly sandals, are you? No! You’re walking around in a hot pair of Tory Burch wedges fucking shit up left and right. It works the same way with sex. We’re not talking about lingerie. Little secret: girls love lingerie and think guys do, but we don’t really care. We care in the sense that we’re about to have some really enthusiastic sex, but you can skip the lacey shit. It’s cool to get into, but think of it like wrapping paper—do people like wrapping paper because it’s nice or because it encourages them to rip it to shreds to get to what’s underneath? You know the drill, so know the trends. What used to be considered sexy is boring. What used to be considered taboo is now sexy. The blowjob is a fine example. BJs have been around for a while, but weren’t a regular thing until the 1960s and ’70s. We can’t verify that, but Mike did just look it up. He googled “when did blowjobs get so popular?” We plan on reading the
array of results later on tonight, as well as the sponsored ads, but we’ll just stick with the seventies for now, because that looks to be the general consensus. Regardless of if they became big in the seventies, were perfected in the eighties, or just got weird in the nineties, the fact remains that giving head grew in popularity for three very connected reasons, listed in ascending order of importance: 1) Head is awesome. 2) Men love head. 3) Girls started giving it regularly. Don’t you think in the seventies, when blowjobs were a new thing, there were a group of women who refused, because it seemed indecent? Of course there were. Don’t be those girls! They probably had to move to Canada to marry draft dodgers, while all the red-blooded American blowjob enthusiasts were taking home soldiers with a dozen confirmed kills each. We’d just like to take this opportunity to point out that we know you like getting head, too. And luckily, we usually like going down on you! We know a lot of times it’s a trust and comfort thing with you gals, and we get that. But seriously . . . if we go down on you, it tells you a few things.

  1. We think you’re clean. We’re not going to get all up into somethin’ if we don’t think you’re hygienically sound.

  2. We want you to get off! We want to turn you on! We are interested in you outside of our own selfish sexual needs.

  Moving on. You know what the next “blowjob” of our generation is? Nudie shots. Like it or not, these things are here to STAY. In fact, they are only evolving, and if you haven’t jumped on board now, you’d better download Snapchat before it’s too late. Yes, we realize how absurd this reality may seem. Yes, we realize that they can get you in trouble. And yes, we fucking love them. That doesn’t mean you can’t be smart about it. Not everyone needs to be Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian, though you should take a minute to think about where they would be without those sex tapes. Be smart about them. In fact, being smart about it makes it even hotter. Whoever the girl was who invented the nudie-shot pose where you hold a cell phone in front of your face and snap a picture, flash on, in front of a mirror . . . she deserves a medal. She started it all. She gave the first Class of 2006 “blowjob.” I’ll tell you another thing: she isn’t single. She drove some guy nuts with those pictures and is sitting on the front porch of the mansion he bought her, sipping a nice sweet tea. You can, too. Some girls don’t send them, because they don’t believe their bodies are sexy. This is the worst mistake you can make. If you know a man is attracted to you, make him think that you know you are sexy.