I grimaced. Sure, I felt a slight tug at my heart, but at the end of the day, I was still me. Plus, Catherine’s words were still missing the point. “It sounds like the whole situation had a lot more to do with adults who didn’t know how to process their own fucked-up emotions and less to do with a little girl who was tossed into that world. Stella didn’t have shit to do with all your problems. She didn’t make Kevin fuck all you three women at the same time. She didn’t force you to marry him. She didn’t make Kevin fall in love with her mother. And she didn’t do anything to warrant the cruelty that the three of you monsters placed on her shoulders. You fucked up a child’s mind and emotions because a man didn’t love you. Don’t you see how pathetic that is? You should be embarrassed and ashamed that you took your insecurities out on her.”
Her eyes showed me what I needed to see—I was getting to her. That was a good thing. If I was breaking her down, then maybe I could get her to let me go.
“I’m not a monster,” she spat out.
“Then stop acting like one.”
Before she could reply, Denise walked into the room, rubbing her hands together. “Okay, I guess I’m up for bat with the babysitting.”
Catherine’s emotions pulled back, and she shook her head, wiping at her eyes. “He’s all yours,” she told Denise. “He just used the bathroom and ate lunch. You should be set.”
“All right. I’m just going to go use the bathroom, and I’ll be right out.”
Denise walked off to the bathroom, leaving Catherine and me alone. Catherine began gathering her items and headed for the front door.
As she turned to leave, I gave it one last try because I knew out of the three women, Catherine was my closest chance at getting out of the situation. “It wasn’t about you,” I told her.
“Excuse me?”
“Kevin’s inability to love you had nothing to do with the amount that you were loveable. His inability to love you was not due to your worth. It was due to his damage. It wasn’t personal.”
“Maybe not,” she said, shrugging her shoulders as she pushed her purse strap up her arm. “But it sure as hell felt like it.”
She turned to leave, and I felt a punch in the pit of my gut as I went on to ask her the same question I’d asked the other two women. “Catherine?”
“Yes?”
“Are you my mother?”
Her eyes blinked a few times as she tilted her head in surprise by the directness of my words. She shook her head and let a small, sad smile slip out. “Even if I were, would you really want a wicked mother like me?” she asked. “Or like Denise or Rosalina? My advice for you? Stop trying to figure out who is your biological mother. Because sure, maybe they have your DNA, but at the end of the day, they’ll never be able to fill that gap in your chest. We will never live up to the idea of love that exists in your head. Trust me, I know. So, find something else to fill that spot.”
“I already did.”
“In Stella?”
“Yes. And you know what?”
“What’s that?”
“She loved you. Even though you could only see Sophie when you looked into her eyes, Stella saw you. Maybe in a way Kevin could not. She loved you.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because that’s what Stella does. She loves.”
I saw it for a second. A flash of softness raced past Catherine’s eyes, a realization fell into her. “She wasn’t Sophie?”
I shook my head. “She wasn’t.”
She cleared her throat as more tears streamed down her cheeks. “I was cruel to her. Every time I was able to be, I was cruel to her.”
“And still, she loved you.”
She looked away from me for a moment, trying to pull herself together.
I used that moment to hopefully get an inch more of gentleness from Catherine. “Stella’s on bed rest.”
“What?”
“The pregnancy is high risk, and she needs me to be there for her to look after her. I’m certain she’s scared, and I can’t respond to her. I’m not asking you to let me go, Catherine. I get it, you got this far, and it only makes sense to follow through. I don’t give a shit about the money. All I need is to let Stella know I’m okay. Please get my phone and text her that I’ll be home soon.”
Home wasn’t a building; it was a person. I couldn’t wait to return home to her.
Catherine hesitated but walked over to my phone on the countertop and asked me for my password to unlock it. I told her, and she went to my messages from Stella.
The color drained from Catherine’s face, and seeing her reaction made my own heart almost stop.
“Oh no,” she whispered.
My chest tightened. “What is it? Is she okay?”
“Yes, I mean, maybe, I mean…” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “Maple’s in the ICU unconscious.”
No.
It couldn’t be.
“Catherine, please,” I begged, feeling a wave of despair hit my chest. I wasn’t sure if it was Stella’s or my own. We’d grown so close that I swore my soul could feel hers aching. “Let me go.”
It was only a few seconds. If I blinked, those seconds could’ve shifted into something else.
But it didn’t. I held her stare with mine so she could see the severity of what was happening. “Mom, please,” I whispered. “Let me go.”
I knew it was her. I knew out of all three of them, Catherine was the one who brought me into the world. Truthfully, I’d known for a while.
“Why did you call me that?” she asked, her voice shaky, her eyes wide.
“Because you are my mother.”
“No…I…” Tears fell from her eyes. “How did you…?”
“Many reasons, but mainly it was your charity. You opened a charity for foster kids, probably due to the guilt you felt giving me up. You felt guilt when I told you Stella was having struggles with her pregnancy because I think you’ve been there before. Then there’s the biggest thing.”
“And that is?”
“I have your eyes.” I shifted a little and pleaded with her. “Please, Catherine,” I begged. “If there is any ounce of humanity left in you, if there is any good still in your heart…please…let me go.”
“Fuck,” she muttered to herself. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” she mumbled before she began scrambling to grab the key to the handcuffs on the countertop. She walked over to me and began unhooking the metal against my wrists.
“No one should use that bathroom for a while,” Denise said, walking back into the room. The moment she saw what was happening, she rushed toward Catherine. “What the hell are you doing?”
Catherine shoved Denise hard, making her fall backward. “Oh hush, woman,” she hissed. She then began to untie my ankles, releasing me from my chains. I stood and grabbed my phone. Catherine looked at me with eyes filled with regret. “I’m so sorry, Damian.”
I didn’t say a word back to her.
Within seconds, I was on my way to Stella.
“Stella,” I called out as I walked into the waiting room.
She looked up the moment she heard my voice, and I rushed toward her. “Oh, my goodness,” she cried out. My arms wrapped around her, and instant tears and deep sobs broke from her. “You’re okay! I didn’t know. I was so scared that something had happened to you. I was so scared you were somewhere dead. I—”
“I’m okay,” I said, pulling her in closer. She shook uncontrollably in my arms. “I’ll explain everything soon enough, but I just need you to know that I’m okay. All that matters right now is Maple. How is she?”
She shook her head. “I don’t know. They won’t tell me anything pretty much. I’m not her true granddaughter, so they aren’t giving me any information. They said that they could once Maple is up and requests me, but until then…” She looked up at me, and I felt such deep sadness. When did that happen? When did I start feeling her spirit so deeply within my own? “What if she doesn’t wake up? What if she doesn’t come back?�
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“She will.”
“You don’t know that. Because people die. They do. They come, and then they leave, and you never see it coming. You never know when your last goodbye is. You never know how to deal with the unspoken words…” She took a breath. “What if the last time we spoke was really the last time? I don’t even know if I told her I loved her. I don’t even know if—”
“It won’t be the last time.” I didn’t even know if I should’ve sworn something like that, but I did because it felt right. It felt as if I were supposed to tell her that no matter what, everything would be okay.
It felt like hope.
I never really had hope before Stella. It felt a bit foreign in my chest, but all I wanted it to do was grow larger within me.
We waited for hours. Then days. Then more days.
Maple was unconscious for a full week. When Stella lost all hope, I held it tighter. Not only for myself but for us both. I became her rock when her soul was shattered. I held her when she needed me to and held her even when it wasn’t necessary. I stayed beside her because that was what her heart needed me to do. And it was what my heart craved to do.
All I ever wanted to do was make sure she was okay.
I tried to get her to go home and rest, but she refused. So, I made a bed out of hospital chairs for her to rest her legs on while I’d massaged her swollen feet.
Finally, a nurse walked out to the lobby and said, “Stella Blackstone?”
Blackstone.
Mine.
Forever, I hoped. Forever, I prayed.
“Yes, that’s me,” she remarked.
“And a Damian Blackstone?” the nurse asked.
“That’s me.”
“Great. Maple has requested both of you to see her,” the nurse explained, smiling our way.
“She is okay?!” Stella remarked as I held her hand tightly in mine.
“Yes. She’s awake and recovering. Follow me, please.”
We did as she said, and the moment we reached Maple’s room, we crashed inside and wrapped ourselves around the special woman.
“Grams, I was so scared,” Stella sobbed, falling into her chest.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m okay. I’m okay,” Maple soothed. She looked over at me and gave me that warm smile that she always shared. “Some of us already knew I would be, though.”
I smirked back a little. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Right when this is over, you are having me signed up to be able to look over you, okay? You need someone to be able to get information on your health status, Grams,” Stella scolded. I knew it was just an overwhelming moment of emotions for her. For Maple, too, and she gladly agreed. “Is this what it was? My anxiety. I thought it was about the baby, but was it you, Grams? Is this what you saw?”
She took Stella’s hand and patted it in her grip. “I didn’t want to scare you.”
“Too late for that.” Stella gently chuckled as she kissed her forehead. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
The doctor came in and notified us of what was going on with Maple. She suffered from a heart attack that sent her into a coma. It was very touch-and-go for a while, but with some intensive care and time, she would be okay.
We stayed as long as we could, but once visiting hours were up, we were forced to leave her side. “We’ll be back tomorrow,” I promised her.
“I know that you will.”
I kissed her forehead gently and squeezed her hand before letting her go. “UB,” I told her.
She smiled. “I’m glad you found it again.”
“Found what?”
“Your light.”
Once we made it home, I told Stella everything that happened to me with the wicked stepmothers. She was in a state of shock and wasn’t exactly sure how to take it all in.
“I knew they weren’t the greatest people, but I’d never thought they’d take it that far,” she said as we lay in bed, cuddled up.
“Yeah, well. It’s a toss-up between doing things for money and doing things out of rage. They were all jealous of you.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you reminded Kevin of your mother.”
Her eyes softened, and she shook her head. “They weren’t ever together, though.”
“You don’t have to be with a person to hold the deepest type of love for them. And I’m pretty sure that’s what Kevin had for your mother. I see it when I look through his old photographs. A photographer on his own is good at what they do. But a photographer in love? It shows up a bit differently. The photographs hold that much more heart. Trust me, I know.”
She smiled softly, but it felt as if she was holding back some of her thoughts.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Nothing, it’s just… I can’t believe they are really gone, my mom and Kevin. And with Maple almost…”
“She’s okay.”
“Yes, but there was such a big chance that she wouldn’t have been. And she’s still not out of the clear. I mean, any day, I could walk over there and find her like that again and…”
“Stella.”
“Yes?”
“Slow your mind.”
She smiled and took a breath. “Yeah, you’re right. Everything’s fine. Everything’s okay. I should just get some rest. I’m exhausted.”
A heavy amount of unease filled my gut as I lay beside her. I knew this feeling because I’d felt it a million times before. The feeling that an unspoken shift was happening. Something about Stella was different, and I couldn’t possibly pinpoint what it had been.
“Are you okay?” I asked her.
“Yes,” she said, turning away from me and onto her side.
I placed my hand against her arm and slightly rolled her over so I could see her eyes. Those brown, brown eyes…
“Are we okay?” I questioned.
Then I saw it.
It was a sliver of a second. A slice of time that most would have missed, but I did not. I saw the shift in her stare and the unstableness of the moment before she blinked it away and pushed out a smile. “Yes,” she said, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “We are.”
I kissed her forehead. “I love you,” I choked out, feeling as if the weight of the world was sitting against my chest.
“I love you, too,” she whispered back as she melted into her pillow.
That broke my heart because her I love you felt more like a goodbye.
I hated how good I was at spotting goodbyes.
38
Damian
* * *
Sixteen Years Old
* * *
“He’s such a weirdo,” Kyle said as I sat in the dining room of the group home. I was minding my own business because that was what I did best—minded my own fucking business.
People went out of their way to push me over the edge. Over the years, I’d learned quickly not to get too close to others. All I did was keep to myself and work on my photographer skills. My social worker Ms. Kelp bought me a camera a few years back, and every week she’d develop my photographs at the local drugstore, and then she’d sit with me and flip through the photographs.
It felt stupid, but truthfully, Ms. Kelp was the only consistent thing in my life throughout the years. It became pathetic when the closest person in your life was just there because it was her job. Ms. Kelp told me it was different with us, though. That we had a connection.
I didn’t really believe in connections much anymore after being disconnected from others a handful of times. After my last placement, I didn’t get chosen to stay with any other families. It wasn’t a shock. The older you get in the foster system, the fewer chances there were to be picked up. You get too old. You’re not as cute. And your trauma? It’s loud and clear.
“Go take that from him,” Kyle instructed one of his followers to bother me. I glanced over to them and grimaced. Already annoyed. It was a pain in the ass that they thought it was okay to gang up on me. I didn’t bo
ther a soul. I didn’t even speak. They truly went out of their way to make my life hell.
I started gathering up my photographs and camera. I knew the moment they made it up in their minds to bother me that some of my photos would be messed up. So, I was going to go hide in a back room or closet until they got over it all.
I picked up my stuff and hurried off, but they started chasing me right away. I ran into the closest closet and slammed the door shut before they could get me. They all shouted to let them in, and I pulled on the door handle as tight as I could. I couldn’t let them near my pictures. Ms. Kelp was coming later today to give me more photographs she went to develop last time.
Soon enough, the guys said screw it and headed off. I waited a while before I thought I was in the clear. I pushed against the door, and it wouldn’t open. Something was blocking it. I pushed again, and nothing.
My heart began to race in my chest as panic started forming in me. I began slamming my body against the door.
I kept throwing my body against it, but nothing budged. Somehow, the dark closet was becoming darker and darker with each moment that passed. I hated the dark. I hated it so much. I sat in the corner of the space and pulled my knees into my chest. My fingernails began digging into my wrists as I clawed at my skin. I rocked back and forth, unable to get out of my own head.
What if they didn’t let me out? What if they didn’t come back? What if no one noticed I was missing?
Over two hours passed, and I wasn’t let out.
When the door finally opened, Ms. Kelp was standing there, staring at me with concerned eyes. “Damian, what are you doing in here?”
I looked up at her with widened eyes. My heart was still racing as my nails were dug deep into my wrists. They were bleeding from the back and forth scratching I’d done.
Ms. Kelp looked down at my arms. “Oh, sweetheart.” She walked me out of the closet with my camera and my photos and sat me back at the table. “Who did this to you?”
I didn’t answer. It didn’t matter. If I told on them, they’d bully me more when she left. She was the only safety net I had, anyway. Without her, I’d have nothing.
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