I slouched in my chair as Ms. Kelp got a first aid kit and taped up my wrists.
“You got to tell us who’s bullying you, Damian. Otherwise, we can’t help,” Ms. Kelp said.
I huffed and muttered under my breath.
Telling on bullies only made them bully me worse.
She sighed. “I got your pictures developed. Want to see them?”
I nodded, still slouching in the chair. She handed me the package of photos, and I began flipping through them. Seeing my pictures made me feel a little bit better.
“You’re extremely talented, Damian. I think you’re going to do so much good in this world,” she told me. Ms. Kelp was good at that—showering me with compliments that I probably didn’t deserve.
I showed her one of the photographs. My favorite one.
She smiled. “It’s my favorite, too,” she said. “I might have looked at them before coming over. You’re gifted, Damian.”
I shrugged.
It didn’t feel like I had any gifts.
I stared at my photos for a while longer, and when I looked up to Ms. Kelp, she looked as if she was about to cry. I raised an eyebrow, confused.
“I got some news today, Damian.” She shifted in her seat. “You remember how I told you my father lives in Detroit?”
I nodded.
“Well.” Ms. Kelp frowned. “He had a fall the other day, and he’s not doing too well. I had to go out to check on him the past weekend. After doing some thinking, which was hard and a long process, I decided he needed more help. So, I am moving back to Detroit to help with his care.”
“What?” I gasped, sitting up straighter. Tears instantly hit my eyes. “You’re leaving?”
Ms. Kelp began crying, too, because whenever I was sad, she got sad, too. “Yes, sweetheart. I am. I wish there was another option, but I have to go take care of my father.”
“But what about me?” I whispered. It was selfish, and needy, and rude, but…
What about me?
I didn’t talk often, except for when words were truly needed.
Ms. Kelp took my hands into hers. “You’re going to be okay, Damian,” she swore, but it felt like a lie.
“Take me with you.”
Her hand landed against her heart. “I’m sorry, Damian. That’s not a possibility.”
“But you’re…you’re…”
You’re all I have.
She kept talking, but I went mute again. It was clear she wasn’t going to take me with her. It was clear that at the end of the day, I was just a job to her, something she could quit whenever she needed to. I thought she was my friend. I thought she was my family. I thought we’d never have to really say goodbye.
When she left, the house felt colder. I felt alone. So alone.
The bullies came back, and they mocked me.
“Well, will you look at that. Even Ms. Kelp didn’t want your weird ass,” Kyle said, shoving me.
I didn’t have the strength to run. I didn’t have the power to lock myself away. I just let it happen. They shoved me. They messed up my photographs. They then smashed my camera. I didn’t care. I didn’t feel anything.
They even pushed and shoved me. Hit me. Fought me. I didn’t fight back.
When everyone went to bed, I left the house. I walked for hours with no real direction. I found a bottle of whiskey that I snatched from a store. I drank it all.
I had no one.
Not even Ms. Kelp.
She was going back to her real family. I made the mistake of thinking that was me, but I wasn’t her family. I was just a temporary thing in her life.
Everything was temporary.
Everything ended.
Everything—
“Hey! Hey! What are you doing?” a voice called out toward me.
I found myself on top of a building where I took my last photographs. You could see all of the Eastern lights from up there. You could see how everyone was out in the world living their lives. Probably with families. Probably with dreams coming true. Probably with happiness. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair, and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.
“Get down, buddy,” the voice said again.
I stood on the edge of the building. I had to be at least thirty floors up. The cold wind blew against my face, but I felt numb.
I glanced back at the guy, and he looked at me with eyes wide and packed with fear.
Why would a stranger look so scared for me? I didn’t matter. Someone should’ve told him that. Someone should’ve informed him that I didn’t matter. His concern was being wasted on someone who didn’t deserve it.
“Go away,” I muttered, swaying back and forth.
“I can’t! Come on, get down,” he said. “I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t bother. Not worth it,” I shot back.
My head was blurry, and I felt drunk. And sad. And sadly drunk.
“It is worth it. You’re worth it.”
“Fuck off,” I mumbled.
“I will. Once you get down. Look at me, man. Just for a second,” he begged. Even though I wanted to let go. I wanted to dive off the edge and never remember any of the things that had hurt me before. I turned to him. He placed his hands against his chest. “I get it. The world is fucked up. I’m only twenty-five years old, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life. I moved here from the south to try to find myself, and I realize it’s harder than it seems. How old are you, man?”
“Doesn’t matter to anyone.”
“It matters to me.”
I released a weighted chuckle. Then I met his stare again. It was almost as if he really met it. “Sixteen,” I muttered.
“Sixteen. Still a kid.”
“Fuck you, I’ve been through more shit than you could imagine!” I shouted, feeling anger, which was better than feeling numb, maybe. Who knew? I didn’t. Fuck, I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to meet people just to lose them again.
“I’m sure that’s true. I have no doubt that you’ve been through it, but it can get better, man. Just a few weeks ago, I met someone during a time when I thought my life was going one way. We spent one night together that changed my outlook on everything. And yeah, it sounds corny as shit, but she changed my life. And now, here I am, on this rooftop, being given an opportunity to pay it forward, but I can’t do that if you don’t get down. So please, dude. Get down.”
Tears streamed down my face as I shook my head. “Everyone leaves. No one would even know if I died today.”
He moved closer to me. “I would. I would know. And it would break my fucking heart, so come on, man.” He held his hand out toward me. “Get down, and I’ll give you my word that I’ll help you figure your shit out. I’ll give you my word that I’ll stay.”
I snickered, unconvinced. “What the hell does your word even mean?”
“Everything,” he said, certain. “It means everything.”
I didn’t know why, but I took his hand. He pulled me off the ledge and then pulled me into a hug that I didn’t even know I needed. I fell apart in his shoulder, trembling as he held on tight as if I was more than a stranger. As if I was important. As if I mattered.
“I got you, man. I got you,” he swore. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“You don’t know that.” I cried into him. I fell apart in a stranger’s arms as he soothed my troubled heart.
“I know, but I’m going to do everything possible to make sure it is for you,” he said. “What’s your name, buddy?”
“Damian,” I muttered.
“Damian. Nice to meet you. I’m Connor, and I’m going to be your new friend, okay? I’m going to have your back when you need it. Whenever you feel close to the edge, come find me.”
39
Stella
Present Day
* * *
My mind was overtaking me. I thought after finding out Grams was going to be okay, my anxiety would go away. I thought the panic attacks would disappear, but th
ey didn’t. They only increased in intensity as each week passed by.
I had nightmares about losing the baby. I’d wake up in pools of sweat, covered in chills. Some nights, I’d dream about Grams losing her life and me not finding her in time. Then I’d dream about Damian. Dying. Disappearing. Leaving.
Everyone left at the end of the day.
No matter how much a person wanted them to stay.
Mama was gone. Kevin was gone. I was breaking, breaking, breaking…
“A break?” Damian asked, stunned as he stood in front of me. “What do you mean?”
“Well, we just completed the six months of the will. Everything has happened so fast within those six months, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve had a chance to catch up with the craze of it all.”
His brows knitted as he lowered his stare to the floor of the bedroom, and then he looked up at me. “So, you want a break from me? From us?”
I hated this. I hated how I was hurting him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so consumed by the idea of loss that I feared holding on.
“I mean, the marriage wasn’t really real to begin with, you know? We were forced into proximity with one another. Plus, you never really had a chance to live the life you wanted over the past six months. You deserve more than me. Besides, I can’t truly expect you to be okay raising another man’s child.”
“You can expect that because I will, and I will love them as my own.”
He said it so confidently that I almost backed out from saying what I felt needed to be said. I wanted him. I wanted him so much that my heart ached thinking about the idea of him leaving, but I’d rather let go now than someday in the future when the love was so deep that the idea of losing him would make me lose myself.
Like how when Kevin lost my mother.
I wasn’t certain I’d ever recover from that kind of break.
“I’m…” I took a breath and looked away from him. I could not stare at those ocean eyes as I let go. “I’m sorry I can’t do this right now, Damian. Not with everything going on. I feel as if I just need to focus on me and keep the baby healthy and keep myself healthy. I can’t focus myself anywhere else at this time.”
He stepped backward, and I saw it. The walls crumbling around him. He cleared his throat and nodded. “You’re scared. I get it. I made a promise to myself that I’d never beg for someone to keep me after so many times of being misplaced, but that’s what’s happening here. You’re letting me go because you’re scared that something will happen down the line. I thought I feared being left behind, but I can tell that that fear is much deeper within you.”
“Damian…”
“It’s okay, Stella,” he swore, stepping closer to me. He took his hands into mine and kissed my palms gently. “If you need me to go, I will go. But just know that I am not truly going anywhere. I’ll be right there around the corner when you’re ready to let me back in, okay?”
“Damian—”
“I’m not afraid of waiting, Stella. I have waited my whole life to find a home, and I found it within you. You taught me to feel again after so many years of feeling nothing.” He lay his lips against my forehead and whispered, “Stella?”
“Yes?”
“Stay with me.”
I didn’t know how to do it, though. I didn’t know how to stay and not fear the idea of losing him somewhere down the line.
He spoke before I could, almost as if he could read my mind. His forehead lay against mine. “I don’t mean physically. You need your space, and if that makes it easier for you to get through each day and protect the baby, that’s fine. We’ll find a nurse to look after you and make sure you are all right. But I need you to stay here with me,” he said, placing his hand against my chest. “Stay with me with your heart. Stay with me with your love, and it will be enough to bring us back together when the time is right. When you’re ready.”
“I can’t ask you to wait for me, Damian…it’s not fair.”
He let out a small laugh and shook his head. “I’ve waited my whole life for this feeling. What’s a little bit longer?”
“I love you,” I breathed out.
“I know. I love you, too. Remember what I said about love? You don’t need to be with a person to have the deepest level of love, and that’s what this is. This is love without limits. So, I’ll wait for you. This is temporary, Stella. At the end of this, we’ll be together. At the end of this, we get the happily ever after.”
Two weeks had passed since Damian and I fell into our break. I missed him more than words, but I wasn’t certain what to do about my fears. Grams stayed by my side the whole time, worrying about my soul, my spirit.
“I didn’t see it before,” she murmured one night after she came to check to make sure I was okay. “All this time, I thought you were the one who stayed. I never noticed that you were the one who was truly afraid of being left behind. I’m sorry I missed that, Stella. I’m sorry I missed how fatigued your heart had been throughout the years. Not only with your mother and Kevin, but every time one of the women left Kevin’s life, they were walking out on you, too. And the miscarriages… I’m sorry so many people left you, Stella. But please… know that Damian isn’t them. He’s one who stays. Take your time, sweetheart. Feel your feels. The sun will still come out in the morning.”
40
Damian
* * *
“Damian, hey. What are you doing here?” Connor asked, surprised when I showed up to his New York penthouse with Milo by my side. I was exhausted. My mind was spinning, and I missed Stella. I missed her before we even parted ways.
“Hey,” I choked out. I cleared my throat and narrowed my eyebrows. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just, well, things…” My mouth felt dry, and words were hard to push out. “I’m sorry I didn’t call,” I repeated.
“You never have to call. Come in,” he said, ushering me into his home, closing the door behind him. The living space was scattered with baby stuff, and it was clear that any day now, his and Aaliyah’s lives were going to change forever. I didn’t need to be crashing into their lives at a time like this. I didn’t need to interrupt their happily ever after with my fucked-up situation.
“I’m sorry. I know Aaliyah’s due any day now. I shouldn’t have come,” I explained, moving back toward his door. “I’m sorry, Con.”
A hand landed against my shoulder. He pulled me back. “Damian. Talk to me.”
I turned to him and swallowed hard. “It’s just…”
Deep breath. Calm yourself, Damian.
I flicked my thumb against the bridge of my nose as I spoke. “I’m just kind of close to the edge right now. So, I came to find you.”
“All right.” He nodded in understanding and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t worry. I got you.”
I stayed with them for a week, getting updates from Maple about Stella. Connor and Aaliyah went above and beyond, making me feel as if I wasn’t alone in the current situation, and they wrapped me so tightly in their love that I was almost certain I was going to explode.
“Everything’s going to work out in the end,” Connor said about Stella and me. “I just feel it in my gut.”
I hoped he was right.
While I was in town, I was helping Connor with some real estate properties, giving him my opinion on things. We were working at his dining room table when Aaliyah came out of the bedroom, waddling back and forth like pregnant women did from time to time. Then she stood in front of us.
“You guys,” she said.
“Yeah?” we replied in unison.
“So, my water just broke.”
“Oh fuck!” we said once more, in unison. We shot up from the table, and the three of us hurried off to the hospital. I carried Aaliyah’s hospital bag while Connor coached his wife through the contractions. Aaliyah was placed in a wheelchair once we arrived, and the nurse began to take her and Connor to the back when Aaliyah called out.
“Wait! I need Damian to come, too,” she said.
<
br /> The nurse smiled. “I’m sorry. Right now, it’s just immediate family allowed in the room.”
“Don’t you see the family resemblance?” Aaliyah joked, gesturing toward me. She held her hand out in my direction, and I took it. “He’s my brother.”
I was there for it all. I held one of her hands as she pushed, and Connor held the other. I didn’t even realize I wasn’t taking in breaths as Aaliyah pushed. I didn’t even realize that I felt light-headed as it all happened. But when that baby came out and cried for the first time, I realized a breath I hadn’t even known I’d been holding in.
The staff cleaned up the baby after Connor cut the cord. They then laid the baby against Aaliyah’s chest. Tears were falling all around.
“He’s perfect,” Connor said. “You did so good, Red,” he told Aaliyah, kissing her forehead.
Aaliyah stared down at her baby, the creation of two worlds colliding into one, and she whispered his name. “Welcome to the world, Grant Damian Roe.”
I instantly stepped backward. “Damian?”
“Of course. Grant after my father figure, and Damian after his uncle,” Aaliyah explained. “Would you like to hold him?” she asked.
Fuck.
Don’t cry, Damian.
“Please,” I said, holding my arms out toward the baby. Connor placed him in my arms, and well, hell. Who knew the world could feel so light in one’s arms? I looked down into the newborn’s eyes, and I felt a wave of protection wrap around me. I knew that no matter what, I’d be there for that little guy for the rest of my life. “Welcome home, Grant Damian,” I whispered. “Welcome home.”
I stayed with Connor and Aaliyah, helping them out for a few weeks. When they had their footing, I knew it was time for me to head back to California to get back to work. “Thanks again for letting me crash.”
“Thanks again for being there for us when we needed you the most, Damian.” Connor hugged me tight, and Aaliyah did the same. I kissed Grant’s forehead and promised to see him sooner than later. Then I headed to the airport with Milo and got on a plane to return to my own reality.
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