Love Me Again

by Wendy Burge

  “What the hell is going on, Vare? Why are Francis’s personal guards knee deep around this place?”

  Varek shot him a disgruntled look as he sat down at a table that was covered in food. Sergei quickly noticed an elderly couple sitting quiet and round-eyed in the corner. “It was the only way Francis would let me leave Heilbronn.”

  Dropping down on the bench across the table from his friend, Sergei picked up a piece of bread and suddenly realized he was famished. As if by a miracle, a bowl of the most heavenly smelling stew appeared over his shoulder, and plunked down in front of him. Sergei smiled his thanks at the timid woman, who silently nodded and then retreated back to her corner. “Will you now please tell me what is going on?” Sergei demanded between spoonfuls of the ambrosia he was shoveling into his mouth.

  His lips quirked in amusement as he watched his famished guest, Varek instead countered with, “First tell me of lark. Where is she? Is she all right?”

  Swallowing, Sergei shook his head in exasperation and sighed. Varek always was single-minded to the point of obstinacy where Christina was concerned. “As I said before, she is fine. With me looking out for her, how can you doubt it? She is at Wellington’s headquarters in Waterloo right now. Basingstoke lost a leg and, of course, she is with him.”

  Varek’s gaze sharpened, and Sergei foresaw his next question by saying gently, “It is most likely he will live, Vare.”

  Varek looked away, despair crushing him, “Of course. And now she has even more reason to stay by his side,” he said heavily.

  Sergei paused in his chewing as he thought about that, and then silently agreed. “Now, about the guards…”

  Varek’s mind still fretting with this last frustration seemed not to hear him at all. When Sergei repeated the question, Varek looked over at him as if in a daze, and answered, irritation ripe in his voice, “There is an assassin on my tail, and Francis learned of it. I was on my way back to Austenburg when he had me intercepted and brought to Heilbronn.”

  Sergei blinked at him. “Did you know of this assassin?”

  Giving Sergei a testy glance, he nodded.

  Very calmly, Sergei put down his spoon. “And you didn’t tell me?” he asked in a voice silky and low.

  Varek’s eyes narrowed as his expression turned belligerent. “That’s right, I didn’t tell you!”

  Sergei took a deep breath and counted to ten. “Damn you, Vare, how long have you known?”

  “Sophy. My error was placing her in Francis’s custody, where he also learned of the plot.”

  “And knowing this, you went to Austenburg alone?”

  “You are not my keeper, Sergei.” Then he wished he could pull back the words when Sergei’s face fell with a confused hurt. The look in Varek’s eyes when they met Sergei’s was filled with a comradeship that neither had ever forgotten.

  “I would die for you, Vare, don’t you know that? You and Christina are the only people in this damn world I care about. If something happened to you, do you have any idea what would happen to her? Or to me, for that matter?”

  Varek dropped his face into his hands and wearily rubbed it. “Bröchre has marked me, Sergei. I am as good as dead, with or without you by my side. In fact, Sophy told me that I was to be killed in battle, to hide the assassination. I find it amazing I am still alive. And I would just as soon you stay out of it.”

  The silence that followed this announcement was deafening. When he looked up Sergei was staring at him with an expression of blankness that had Varek wondering what he was thinking.

  “Who hired him?” Sergei asked in a detached voice.

  “Roget.”

  Surprise lit the deadened look in Sergei’s eyes.

  Wryly, Varek smiled, “I know it’s a bit hard to comprehend, but apparently Roget has been behind the brewing rebellion in Austenburg for years. Patient devil; I have to say that for the bastard. I do believe I deserve a knife in the back for my utter stupidity. How could I have been so bloody blind?”

  “I never did like the worm, as Christina always liked to call him, but it is hard to comprehend that he would go to such lengths. And why?” Sergei shook his head in wonder as he thought of the little weasel of a man who always seemed to be underfoot. “What are your plans now?”

  Varek shrugged. “When things have settled here, I will take a contingent of Francis’s troops and crush the rebellion and officially dissolve the duchy. I had prayed to do it peacefully, but my optimism is long gone. At this point I can only hope to succeed before Bröchre does.”

  “Don’t be an ass!” Sergei snapped back as he pushed the half-eaten bowl out of his way, his appetite suddenly gone.

  Gently, Varek told him, “Being realistic doesn’t necessarily mean I am an ass.”

  “Yes, and you thought you would be dead in battle and you are still bloody well here, aren’t you? When you go back I am coming with you.”

  Now Varek was frowning, as he said stiffly, “Absolutely not!”

  “You,” Sergei snarled as he shot to his feet and pointed a finger in Varek’s angry face, “have no fucking say in the matter! Whether it is at your side or trailing behind, I am coming!”

  Varek watched as his friend stormed out of the cottage, the door slamming behind him. After a thoughtful moment, Varek found he was suddenly feeling more light-hearted than he had been since saying goodbye to his lark. Turning, he grinned at his hosts and said simply, “That was my friend.”

  In unison, they nodded and grinned back

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Christina felt herself floating, and then blessed coolness drifted over her. Her lids felt too heavy to lift, but she finally opened her eyes and saw the room moving about her. Her head was resting on a broad shoulder.

  Frowning, she lifted her head and looked about her. Sergei was carrying her out of Robert’s room. “What are you doing?” she demanded, her voice scratchy with weariness.

  Sergei’s gaze was grim as he glanced down at her. “I am taking you to bed. If you don’t get some rest you will be as ill as Robert. Laure has plenty of servants to watch him for a few hours.”

  It was on the tip of her tongue to argue, then she decided she was too tired to try. With a sigh she dropped her head back onto his shoulder and let him take care of her. When he lowered her onto her bed, she snuggled into the cool sheets, which seemed to drift down over her like magic. Instantly, she was drifting off to sleep again. Bending down, Sergei lifted her little shadow onto the bed and lifted the cover so Katie could burrow under and curl up beside her mistress.

  Sergei stood over her for a long time, fighting with his conscience. How could he leave her, especially now of all times? But how could he let Varek go off to Austenburg and into that nest of vipers alone? Rubbing his eyes, he made his way over to the daybed, and stretching out on it, he lay there staring up into the darkness. Earlier, before he had gone to get Christina, he had closed the heavy draperies tight, but still the endless noise from the streets could be heard. They were back in Brussels, having carefully moved Robert to the cleaner comfort of the Metternich’s’ rented house. The shouts, curses, laughter, even the crying of broken men were an endless cacophony of sound that Sergei didn’t think he would ever forget. Bloody hell, how he hated war! And here he was contemplating walking into another one beside Varek.

  Smiling wryly, he closed his eyes and tried to catch a bit of the rest he had forced upon Christina. He wasn’t looking forward to the talk he would have with her when she woke.

  However, when he next opened his eyes it was morning, and Christina was gone. Cursing, he shot up and got tangled in the blanket Christina must have placed over him sometime during the night. “Damn that woman!” he grumbled as he strode out of the room and into Robert’s—where he found her trying to hold down a hysterical, fever-ridden man.

  “Damn it, Christina,” he shouted as he ran over and forced Robert down.

  Christina barely heard him, as Robert was doing his own share of cursing her.

&
nbsp; “I want to go home, you stupid bitch!” Robert raged as he tried to throw off the added strength of Sergei’s weight. “Let me up! What is wrong with you people?”

  In a matter of minutes his shouting had the room filled with enough help in the form of stalwart footmen that it didn’t take long for Robert’s thrashing body to be firmly restrained. His fever-glazed eyes glared condemningly at Christina as he panted under the constraining hands.

  Seeing Christina’s stricken expression, Sergei took her by the shoulders. “He doesn’t know what he is saying, Christina.”

  “I know that, Sergei, but he is constantly telling me how he wants to go home. What am I going to do?”

  “What do the doctors say?”

  “That to move him such a distance right now would probably kill him.”

  “Then you’ll have to stay here,” he reasoned in a calming voice. “Once the fever dies, he will become more lucid. Just be sure to have the footmen close by and you should be fine.”

  Christina, hearing something strange in his voice, turned to look at him with a curious frown. It was then that she noticed how distracted he was, which was so out of character for Sergei. He usually had the steady calmness of a cool summer day. Casting a quick glance at Robert, and satisfied that he had dropped off into another exhausted doze, she pulled Sergei out of the room. “What is going on, Sergei?”

  Running a hand through his disordered hair, he wondered how he was supposed to break the news of his defection to her. Sighing, he took hold of her hand and led her back into her room. As she watched him firmly close the door, Christina became more frightened by the moment. She was relieved when he began to speak.

  “I saw Varek yesterday.”

  Her heart started to pound heavily. She couldn’t understand why he continued to watch her with such serious intent. She clenched her hand and waited.

  Seeing her stark fear, he assured her as quickly as he had done Varek. “He is fine, Christina. My God, the two of you have such a sense of the morbid.” When she looked as if she didn’t trust him, he took her hand again, and together they sat down on the edge of the bed. “Truly, he is fine. I wouldn’t lie to you about that.”

  Taking a deep breath, she cleared her throat and asked again, “Then what is wrong?”

  Sergei was looking down at their clasped hands, and seeing how tiny and helpless hers looked, he almost changed his mind. Then he thought of Varek trying to stay one step ahead of Bröchre. Swallowing, he told her gently, “I have decided to go back to Austenburg with Varek.”

  Christina jerked her hand from his and reared back. “What?”

  Steeling himself, he looked up and saw the look of betrayal staring back at him. “I have to go, Christina.”

  “Why?” she demanded angrily. “I need you here.”

  Standing, he wandered over to the window, rubbing his aching eyes. He started when he felt her behind him. She laid her head on his back. “I am so sorry, Sergei. That was thoughtless of me. If this is what you need to do, then of course you must go. It’s just that…” Her voice broke, and he heard her take a deep breath. “It seems all my life you have been the one constant I could rely on. I am going to miss you.”

  Turning, he pulled her up into his arms. “It won’t be forever, Christina. I’ll see you again in England. It’s just that with this rebellion, Varek will need someone at his back. Once that is over …”

  “Please don’t, Sergei. Don’t commit yourself to me and then torture yourself if you find you can’t keep it.” Leaning back from him, she looked deeply into his troubled gaze. “Just promise me one thing.”

  “Anything.”

  “Remember that you always have a home with me.”

  He smiled tenderly down at her. “I know that, Christina. You don’t have to tell me.”

  Smiling sadly back at him, she kissed his cheek. “When will you be leaving?”

  “That depends on Varek, of course.”

  Frowning, she moved away from him and wandered aimlessly about the room. He saw her cast him a sideways glance. “I worry that there is something you are keeping from me. I felt it with Varek, too.”

  Though his gaze faltered, he remained stubbornly silent.

  Sighing, she fiddled with her brush and comb on her dressing table. “What will happen when the duchy is dissolved?”

  Shrugging, Sergei leaned against the wall. “I would imagine that Varek will probably settle onto one of his outlying estates.”

  She nodded. Wetting her lips, she turned about and looked him squarely in the eye—and he had never seen her look more serious. “There is one more thing I want you to promise me.”

  “Anything,” he repeated softly.

  “If something should happen to Varek”—she closed her eyes briefly, then continued—“you must bring Tina to me. I don’t think the emperor would find fault with that.”

  Sergei saw how hard this was for her, for just the thought of Varek leaving this world was wrenching for her, but even so she was still looking out for him by caring for and loving his daughter. Nodding, he stated without hesitation, “I know Varek would approve, and the emperor will honor his wishes.”

  Nodding briskly, she turned quickly away and moved toward the door. “I have to check on Robert,” she announced and then was gone.

  His hands dug deep in his pockets, Sergei turned to watch the endless wave of humanity flow by on the streets below, and worried whether he was doing the right thing.

  ∞∞∞

  The following days were hell on earth for Christina. Robert only seemed to get worse, his abusive tantrums unending, and every hour she dreaded that Sergei would tell her that he and Varek were leaving. Even though she had been assured of Varek’s well-being, she was still so tempted to go and see for herself that she found herself pacing the floor in her anxiety. But they had said their goodbyes and she must content herself with that painful reality.

  Plus the doctors had her testy and snappish for she was getting fed up with them telling her that her husband was mending when she couldn’t see any of these improvements. The severed flesh was just as inflamed and hot, and day by day she watched in fear as the telltale streaks of infection could be seen to rise higher into his groin. This, they assured her, was not unusual as his body fought off the effects of the fever. It would just take time.

  And it was time that Robert didn’t want to give himself. Every waking moment he was railing at her that he wanted to go home, and often she was tempted to bundle him into a coach and send him on his way just to silence him. She was becoming weak from exhaustion and lack of food as her appetite was nonexistent. She was ready to tear her hair out by the roots, and for the first time she couldn’t turn to Sergei to solve her problems, for she did not wish to burden him further. He had his own problems now, and she had to keep reminding herself that they no longer included her. As much as she wished she could be angry with him, she couldn’t. For too many years he had selflessly held his life in abeyance as he took care of her; it was time to let him go and learn to stand on her own. She was thankful, knowing that Varek and Sergei were reunited, and she wished them Godspeed.

  After a week of battling Robert she finally admitted defeat and told Laure that they would be leaving as soon as she could make the arrangements. Perhaps when Robert was home he would settle down and begin to heal. He certainly wasn’t doing himself any good constantly battling her. When she spoke with Wellington, he graciously supported her decision and offered a cavalry regiment to escort them safely home.

  Even Helen offered to come with her, which set her mind further at ease. They would be fine, she assured herself, as she prepared herself for the long trek back to Kerkmoor.

  Kerkmoor! And her baby!

  ∞∞∞

  On the morning of their departure, Christina watched as Robert, heavily dosed with laudanum, was carefully settled into the huge traveling coach, with the interior benches opened out to form a bed. It had cost her a handsome sum to purchase the vehicle, but
seeing how comfortably Robert was resting in it, she knew it was worth every penny. Helen was to follow in a second coach that was loaded with the luggage, plus a few other wounded soldiers who lived not far from Kerkmoor. Having met them while she was at Wellington’s headquarters in Waterloo, she had sent them a note, offering them space in the second carriage, which they had gratefully accepted.

  Hearing a familiar voice behind her, she turned to see Wellington striding up to her, a smile on his handsome face. “My lady, I had to come and wish you Godspeed. How is that heroic husband of yours doing?” Stepping past her, he peered into the coach and nodded approvingly. “I am sorry to have missed seeing the princess off yesterday.”

  Laure had left early yesterday to return to Vienna with her husband. It had been the farewell of a dear friend that Christina swore she would not lose again; so they had made each other promise that this was not goodbye for them and that they would see each other again.

  Pulling on her gloves, Christina asked, “And when will you be leaving, your grace?”

  “We will be heading for Paris shortly. There is much to do for my men in the aftermath of such carnage.”

  Shaking her head, Christina smiled up at him. “You have always confused me, you must realize. I have never met a military man who has such a distaste for war as you do. How do you manage it?”

  “I never let myself dwell on it for too long, I suppose. It is the tactics of warfare that fascinate me, where the reality of it appalls me. To see so many worthy men lose life or limb is of course, inevitable; but if by employing the proper strategies I can reduce the losses than I will feel I have done my duty to England.”

  “Hear, hear,” she whispered. “I also wanted to thank you for your generous offer of one of your regiments to escort us.”

  “Please, my lady, no need. These gallant men are due for a leave, and they are also carrying dispatches to Castlereagh, so it is no trouble a’tall. Indeed, I thank you for offering the comfort of your coach to my men.” She noticed him looking over her shoulder before he said quietly, “I believe there is someone else who wishes to bid you farewell, so I shall take my leave of you.” Taking her hand, he bowed over it. “Godspeed, my lady. It has been one of the great pleasures of the Congress to have met you. Hopefully, we will soon meet again, in our own beloved England.’